YOU'RE ALL REALLY FUCKED NOW

NBA news has been kind of slow lately, as players are staying out of the public eye and getting back to work as training camp approaches. So naturally, ESPN is filling the void with its tabloid trump card: LeBron James' future.

A panel of 25 ESPN contributors were asked where LeBron would be in the summer of 2010, when he can opt out of his contract. Cleveland received 11 votes, the most of any site, while New Jersey received eight and New York five (one dolt picked Detroit, a senile vote that screams Dr. Jack Ramsay).

My friends call me Moon Unit

These days, ESPN's writers/editors/analysts/blowhards are at least accepting the possibility of LeBron remaining in Ohio, but many still want him to leave, and they're admitting it. They want him with the Knicks, or the Nets, or the Mavericks, or in Europe. Well listen up, you heathens. Instead of wondering who LeBron will join in 2010, how about wondering this: Who will join LeBron?

I recently came across a scintillating proposition by Patrick McManamon of the Akron Beacon-Journal. There's a good chance that not only will LeBron stay in Cleveland, but another superstar will join him. The Cavs are the only team in position to sign two superstars that summer. Why? Because we already have one superstar (who, by the way, will leave $20 million on the table if he doesn't re-sign with us), and we're the only team with the cap space to sign another.

Wally Szczerbiak's $13 million albatross will likely be dumped by the trade deadline this year, and Eric Snow stands to earn the last of his heinous contract this season. Big Z has a player option after this season, but he doesn't have more than two years left as a starter anyway. Anderson Varejao probably won't be a Cavalier by this time next year, and Sasha Pavlovic and Ben Wallace will choke $38 million out of us the next two years before their deals expire.

That leaves just four guaranteed contracts for 2010-11: Mo Williams, Daniel Gibson, J.J. Hickson and Delonte West, who inked a three-year deal last weekend. Everyone's been blah-blah-blahing about how teams are positioning themselves for the free-agent feast of summer 2010, but the Nets and Knicks are floundering. LeBron says he values winning above all else, and the only team that's ready to make a splash and win right away is Cleveland, who will have a ho-hum total of 70 MILLION DOLLARS to spend that season.

I'm drooling on my keyboard as I write this. Imagine if LeBron re-signed, and Chris Bosh or Dwyane Wade or Amare Stoudemire joined him. It would be patently absurd. It would be video-game unfair. We'd be building around two superstars, a point guard who gets 17 and 6 per night, a pair of proven clutch performers, and a blossoming young forward. And none of them would be more than 27 years old.

That about sums it up

Not only would they end Cleveland's championship curse, they'd go '60s Celtics on the rest of the NBA. They'd unleash Hurricane Hardwood. An 11th commandment would be written: Thou Shall Not Fuck With the Cavaliers. It was no joke when LeBron baptized Kevin Garnett in the playoffs "WITH NO REGARD FOR HUMAN LIFE!" LeBron is an unstoppable killer, and he'd be the leader of a team of genetically engineered supermen.

Yeah I'll take on the Cavs, right after Spock drops logic

I know why Cleveland has suffered for so long. It's so clear to me now. All these are-you-fucking-kidding-me moments have been leading up to the summer of 2010, when the Cavs will assemble the greatest collection of basketball talent in history and win 12 straight NBA titles.

The fantasy is flipping from LeBron on another team to the Cavaliers on another level. A high-low game with LeBron and Chris Bosh would make John Stockton and Karl Malone cry. LeBron and Amare Stoudemire would turn every game into a slam-dunk contest. If Dwyane Wade joined LeBron, the Cavs would have two players with the wingspan of an airplane, the drive of a Terminator and the leaping ability of a velociraptor.

This realistic possibility has me more pumped than ever. No more woe-is-me shit about LeBron leaving and winning a title elsewhere. The only way he doesn't win a title in Cleveland is if we win it on the Western Conference champions' floor.

So to all you anti-Cleveland people, keep firing your guns. I'm not saying we can dodge bullets.

I'm saying that after the summer of 2010, we won't have to.