Sunday, November 30, 2008

The ABCs: Week 13

Even though the Browns really make it hard to like life every week, I still sit through the games. This way, I can be proud once the Browns reach the summit, whenever that may be. I can sit here and say I was with 'em through the toughest of times. It's going to be a great feeling when we're 12-4 and competent instead of 4-12 and maladroit.

Until that happens, let me spell it out for you:

Yawn.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

*********DOPPLER RADAR UPDATE*********

THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE IN CLEVELAND HAS ISSUED A

* TORRENTIAL BEATDOWN WARNING FOR...
QUICKEN LOANS ARENA IN NORTHEAST OHIO

* UNTIL MID-JUNE 2009

* AT 9:50 P.M. EDT ON NOV. 28, 2008...NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE DOPPLER RADAR INDICATED A HOME-COURT ADVANTAGE CAPABLE OF PRODUCING DAMAGING LANDSLIDES...




EXTREMELY LIMITED VISIBILITY ...




DEAFENING THUNDER CLAPS...




AND FAST-BREAK LIGHTNING, DURING WHICH GAME-ENDING RUNS CAN TOUCH DOWN OUT OF NOWHERE.




THIS STORM WAS LOCATED AT THE TOP OF THE CENTRAL DIVISION STANDINGS AND MOVING NORTH AT A 66-WIN PACE.

THIS IS A DANGEROUS STORM. IF YOU ARE IN ITS PATH...PLEASE PREPARE TO LOSE BY AN AVERAGE OF 14.2 POINTS PER GAME, AND MOVE INDOORS IMMEDIATELY, PREFERABLY TO THE BASEMENT OF YOUR DIVISION AND AWAY FROM WINDOWS OF HOPE.

LAT: 6616
LON: DETROIT SUCKS


*********************************************

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

All right, chaps, hang on to your Knickerbockers



New York will fantasize, Cleveland will fume. Manhattan will dream, Mentor will nightmare. Broadway will shimmer, Bay Village will shun. Long Island will smile, Lakewood will sneer.

The Cavs hit the road to face the Knicks Tuesday.

Boy, is that a mundane way to put it.

LeBron James leads the Cleveland Cavaliers into New York Tuesday night, where the Knicks are mobilizing an all-out campaign to bring the NBA's best player to the Basketball Capital of the World.

There, that's more like it.

Over the past few days I've received my fair share of IMs and texts about LeBron leaving Cleveland for New York when he can become a free agent in 2010. It's at least the hottest sports speculation story this century. The ingredients are there. Small market vs. big market. Tradition-rich franchise vs. fledgling power. All the classic David vs. Goliath scenarios are in play, and at stake is a player who will almost certainly be among the top 10 in history when all is said and done. Oh, and that player happens to have strong ties to David.

As I attempted to detail late last June, it's downright silly to argue what LeBron will do when he can opt out of his current contract in 20 months. That hasn't really changed, nor have the circumstances surrounding the situation. The Cavs are still a contender, and the Knicks are still a good distance from being truly competitive.

In fact, there are so few definitive statements surrounding this situation that any discussion about it will inevitably become reckless guesswork. The sports media are sure to spend a good chunk of time on that, so I won't give you anything but facts from here on out. That's right, nothing but the 100 percent truth about the situation, from the Cavs' standpoint, the Knicks' standpoint, LeBron's standpoint, and my own as a hardcore Cleveland fan.

Don't believe me? Try this on for size.

I would love to see LeBron in a Knicks jersey

Maybe it was the similar color schemes. Maybe it was that championship chastity belt Michael Jordan. Whatever the reason, ever since I started rooting for the Cavs in the mid-'90s, I've never rooted against the Knicks.

I only "hate" two things in all of sports: the Steelers and Art Modell. But that doesn't mean I don't find it easy to root against bigger markets. Whenever the Red Sox lose, my mood improves. Whenever the Lakers get pushed around by a more physical team, I crack a smile. For some reason, I never felt that way about the Knicks. Sure, I've laughed my ass off at them the last several years...right beside Knicks fans themselves. When ESPN.com split its "most overpaid NBA players" list into four categories, and two of them were "Knicks" and "Former Knicks", how could you not be rolling in the aisles?

Nobody was laughing, however, when they were winning. Like when the 1969-70 Knicks had their entire starting five's jerseys reach the rafters. Or when Patrick Ewing led the New York Skyscrapers in the early '90s. Or when Allan Houston, Charlie Ward, Latrell Sprewell, Marcus Camby and Grandma-ma restored the Knicks as a conference threat around the turn of the century. I loved watching that 1999-2000 team, and I found myself pulling for them many times, too.

Just as fans connect themselves to athletes, I've always found a kinship with LeBron. No, I'm never gonna be as popular or as talented athletically or make as much money as he does. But we both trumpet Cleveland and we both have brash confidence in our potential. I can't dunk from the foul line or take any human being I choose off the dribble, but you bet your ass I'm 10 times the writer and broadcaster that you are.

To reach his own potential, LeBron may very well have to don a Knicks jersey for a large portion of his career. I understand that. Hell, I didn't see that many opportunities where I grew up or went to college, so I bolted for Los Angeles. LeBron has long expressed his love for New York, and I know what he means.
I don't necessarily want to live there, because I prefer the laid-back lifestyle of southern California to the hustle-and-bustle of the Big Apple. But every time I visit New York, I love it. There's so much atmosphere, so much vibrancy, so much going on. New York is a basketball mecca, and even a period of prolonged pointlessness by the Knicks hasn't tarnished that reputation. It's the place where the NBA was founded, where Madison Square Garden still rules, where the game gives hope to the underprivileged, where point guards are as legendary as Greek myths. I've heard many people say that hip-hop is the voice of New York. If that's the case, then basketball is definitely its soul.

So much so that LeBron might land there as a free agent. Do I want that? Do I want LeBron to play for anyone else in his career? FUCK NO FUCK NO FUCK NO. But I'm gonna be honest. If I have to watch him leave for someone else, I'd rather have it be the Knicks. Point blank.

Which brings me to my next fact.

This is a two-horse race

If one thing's cleared up over the past few months, it's the players in the LeBron sweepstakes. New Jersey's move to Brooklyn has been delayed at least a year, and while teams like Detroit and Portland will surely make a push, there's no reason to think LeBron will make a lateral move in terms of market potential.

That leaves two alarmingly viable options for the summer of 2010: Cleveland and New York.

The Knicks dumped Jamal Crawford and Zach Randolph last Friday for one reason: to make room for LeBron's free agency. It's borderline insulting to think otherwise. It's also kind of ironic, since Crawford is a player the Cavs have quietly been trying to pair with LeBron for years. In any case, that's $27 million off the books for the summer of 2010, which is a handy number to try and counteract Cleveland's league-legislated ability to pay LeBron almost $32 million more overall than any other team.

Enough money babble. Here's a reality: the Knicks are now the franchise best suited to lure LeBron away from Cleveland. They hired Mike D'Antoni, whose style appeals to LeBron's capabilities. They shed bad contracts, which appeals to LeBron's need for running mates. And they play in New York, which (obviously) appeals to LeBron's desire to become a global icon.

Go back to that earlier sentence for a minute. "
The Knicks are now the franchise best suited to lure LeBron away from Cleveland." The Knicks could always boast the better locale, but many people scoffed at the notion they'd have the savoir-faire to open up the cap space to bring him in. Apparently, those people weren't paying attention when Donnie Walsh built the Indiana Pacers into a decade-long winner. Since being hired by the Knicks last June, Walsh has fired Isiah Thomas, hired D'Antoni and dealt away those wretched Randolph and Crawford contracts. That's not to say he's the NBA's greatest bureaucrat, but in a league where you can win 24 games one year and 82 the next, it was foolish to think the Knicks wouldn't be able to put together an enticing package for LeBron, and Walsh's maneuvers have done just that.

There's one problem, though. More like a question, really: why should LeBron leave the Cavs?

This is no longer the bitter hiss or rallying cry of Cavs fans. It's the God's honest truth. At this very moment, the Cavs are 11-3, having just hammered the Knicks by 18 points, and our only three losses were at Boston, at New Orleans and at Detroit. Of course, winning a championship means learning to win those kinds of games on the road, but the roster isn't quite complete and the organization has shown every commitment to giving LeBron what he needs. He's starring for the franchise near where he grew up, which is in excellent position to compete for titles the next few years. If he decides to leave, is there anywhere to go but down?

In one particular circumstance, yes.

If LeBron wins a title before 2010, he has my blessing

I hope I speak for Cleveland fans all over. Our failures are canonical, so there's no need to run through them again, but if LeBron can restore glory to sports' most tortured city, then he has my blessing to do whatever he wants. Even if you ignore Cleveland's futility, he's been up against it since day one.

Everyone loves to compare LeBron James with Michael Jordan, and that's ludicrous on a number of levels. The only things they have in common are leadership, extraordinary talent and the number 23. They aren't the same type of player, and that extends well beyond the basketball court. Sure, Jordan came in with a fair amount of hype, but nobody remembers that he was NCAA Player of the Year the season before he went pro. And Michael Jordan never had a Michael Jordan that everyone held him against. All LeBron did was win high school championships in a decidedly shitty basketball state, and his physical attributes still earned him the title of Messiah. Right there is the most significant difference between them: Jordan spent his life being told he couldn't, and LeBron spent his life being told he could.

I don't believe for a second that LeBron is anywhere close to taking Jordan's title as greatest basketball player of all time. But if he wins a championship, the conversation will rightfully begin, because there's no denying it's much harder to win when everybody expects you to.

It's also harder when you don't have as much talent around you. Chris Broussard wrote a piece about the LeBron/Knicks situation earlier today, which mixed tinges of LeBron's legacy. One of the points he makes is that Jordan's supporting cast, even with Scottie Pippen, was worse than every other dynasty in NBA history, which is hard to argue. And if that case is hard to argue, then LeBron's is damn near impossible, which is something else Broussard recognizes.

When the Cavs reached the finals two years ago, Tim Legler said that LeBron was "changing the paradigm of a champion" in the NBA, i.e. he was evolving the Jordan criteria that you need two superstars to win a title, which itself advanced the Lakers/Celtics model of three or more superstars. It may not have panned out, but it was an intriguing supposition nonetheless, and it was predicated on the idea that LeBron's supporting cast was awful. Ask yourself, then, what happens if he scales the mountain not only in Cleveland...but for the lowly Knicks as well?

If LeBron wins a championship by overcoming not just the hype but also the relative lack of help, he's done all I can ask. Not only will he have swam against the undertow of Cleveland history, but NBA history as well. At that point, he can do what he wants. And if he rescues ANOTHER franchise from destitution, he's staking even more basketball territory.

Until he does it once, however, I'm staying level. Which means I'm not listening to the pundits.

Stephen A. Smith is an idiot

I can't count the number of times I've heard him dry heave bullshit about this whole situation. All he ever does is scream blanket statements about how Akron isn't Cleveland and how he's spoken to inside sources and how LeBron's already decided to leave. C'mon, man. We all saw the interview you did for ESPN on Tuesday. After months and months of yelling and yelling, you pretty much ducked the situation. You asked questions we already knew the answers to, and you postured like a hypocrite. "What do you say to the people who already assume you want to leave Cleveland?" Please! Like you're not one of the people who have been saying that! I have no problem confronting the fact that LeBron could depart Cleveland in the summer of 2010, so this isn't me whining about the people who bring up the issue. This is me calling you out for being an irresponsible wimp. Straight up.

Sadly, however, Stephen A. is not the only one who's spreading biased nonsense. As much as I love him, Broussard has been decidedly pro-Cleveland in his writing, as have Dan Labbe other members of the Cleveland media, and the New York media have been just as bad.

That's not really an indictment of people close to either side, though. It's an indictment of anyone who tries to tell you anything definitive before LeBron actually files for free agency. That's what I've been saying for five months, and so far, ESPN's Marc Stein is the only one who's joined me without letting bias creep into the picture. It's a huge story, no doubt about it, and because it's a huge story, a huge amount of people will discuss it between now and July 1, 2010. And rightfully so, because basketball's flagship franchise has a good chance of signing the game's best player.

So Knicks nation, I wish you luck, and I've got nothing but love for you.

But right now, I love kicking your ass.

Pirates Outsource Their Pitching Needs

Today's news to be depressed about comes from your Pittsburgh Pirates. The Bucs, in their quest to creatively mine for talent to compete with bigger spending teams, have signed two pitchers from India. Please re-read that sentence and refrain from moving out onto a ledge. The story has already been reported by several other blogs, including Walkoff Walk, Deadspin, Mondesi's House, and also the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. Here's some fun nuggets about Rinku Singh and Dinesh Kumar Patel, the first-ever Indian athletes to sign pro sports contracts outside the country.

--They've been playing baseball for about six months
--When they came to the U.S. for training they did not know how to play catch
--They were the winner and runner up, respectively, in a talent contest
--They're from fucking India
--Did I mention they're from India

Now, all senseless bashing aside, if it turns out that these guys can pitch and can help my Buccos, I don't care if they're from Antarctica. It just seems to me that if no one else was really mining India for talent, then the Pirates might not be on to something here. Even GM Neal Huntington admitted as much, remarking that in 25 years, the two players might be seen as a blip on the radar or as pioneers. Somehow, I'm willing to bet the latter.

The signing of Singh and Patel (who, with his low 90s fastball and smallish build, should remind Pirates fans of an Indian Ian Snell) adds to the list of players the Pirates have signed that are from odd locales, to say the least. They've also signed Mpho Ngoepe, an 18-year-old South African shortstop, and Christopher Aure, a pitcher from North Pole High School in Alaska. This is not encouraging.

There's about a 1% chance that the Pirates struck gold here. And in this case, one of these guys making the majors in under 4 years would qualify as striking gold. So, while the Yankees and other big market teams are looking to improve by throwing the GNP of Lichtenstein at C.C. Sabathia, the Pirates are apparently scouting players by watching Office Space and Harold and Kumar.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

The ABCs: Week 12

You know, today's cataclysmic loss to the Houston Texans doesn't have me that upset. It really doesn't. I've come to expect it.

I don't want this blog to become stale, and I'm sure FLS feels the same way. Therefore, you won't be getting any ABCs this week, simply because I can't fill 26 letters without saying the same things I've been saying all season, which are the same things I've been saying all decade.

What do you want me to say? The Cleveland Browns are mostly a bunch of fucktards who either don't have talent or don't care. It's one of the worst-run organizations in all of sports, top to bottom. The fans deserve better. That hasn't changed for years.

Sure, the specifics change from game to game. Today, I could criticize Brady Quinn's benching, or lament Jamal Lewis' fumbles, or verbally lacerate Braylon Edwards, or hope that this was Romeo Crennel's Waterloo. But in the end, it'd be the same broad implications wearing a slightly different outfit.

Thousands of fans left well before the game was over, so I'm going to do the same here. Hopefully the organization will make some constructive changes this week.

For now, I'm going to find something more constructive to do with my time.

Monday, November 17, 2008

The ABCs: Week 11

Whenever the Browns play the Bills, family bragging rights are essentially at stake. My mom's side is from Cleveland, and my dad's side is from Rochester, New York, which is like 70 miles from Buffalo. Before the game, I e-mailed a bunch of family members my final prediction:

Buffalo 6, Cleveland 5

I was only half-joking, and instead of the score, those numbers turned out to be closer to Buffalo's total turnovers and our busted red zone opportunities.

In any case, as intense as the Monday Nighter got, it never felt like more than a scrimmage against a bunch of friends. I don't really root for anyone other than the Browns, but if I had to choose, the Bills are probably my second-favorite team.

I'm glad we have the kicker that can nail 56-yarders, though.

All three of those interceptions to start the game were nice to see, but as usual, our defense was softer than toilet paper when it really counted.

Brady Quinn had a rough night, but he didn't turn the ball over. That's been my absolute favorite part about his first two starts. Too often have I watched momentum squandered because Derek Anderson goes colorblind every now and then.

Combined with our earlier Monday Night win, we're 2-0 against the Giants and Bills. If this was Super Bowl XXV, we'd rock.

D'Qwell Jackson had 11 tackles by himself, while the Three Stooges totaled 19. Credit is due, however, to Larry and Curly's hands on the first two picks.

Each time we kicked field goals in the red zone, I wanted to kick Romeo Crennel and Rob Chudzinski square in the nads.

Funniest moment of the night goes to Moe, who had Marshawn Lynch cornered for a loss in the first quarter...until his tackle threw Lynch forward for a gain of three. Nyuck nyuck.

Gotta love how the Bills turn the ball over three times on their first 16 plays, and we only manage two field goals, and then we get pinned on our own 4-yard line, and we march 96 yards for a touchdown. (cue Eminem) SCHIZ-O-PHREN-IA, HOW MANY OF YA GOT IT

Had we lost our third straight game in which we led by 13 or more, I would have shaken my head, because at least it's against Buffalo. Had we done it against, say, Pissburgh, there'd be a steaming crater where North Hollywood used to be.

I'm only going to briefly address the whole "quitting" issue that's surfaced, because I don't think it's a serious problem. I respect Jamal Lewis' voice more than any other Brown, so there probably was something to it. But these guys have never had a problem playing hard for Romeo. The real issue is that Romeo doesn't always play hard for them.

Jerome Harrison is a shifty, speedy football player. It's about time he got more action, and I'm thrilled he made it count.

Kawika Mitchell's late hit on Harrison helped lead to one of our field goals, and Buffalo fans weren't happy about it. When it comes to penalties that could go either way, I ask myself one question: Would I have a problem if it were called against my team? My answer, in Mitchell's situation, is yes.

Lynch is the best running back in the NFL after contact. Or the Browns made Lynch look like the best running back in the NFL after contact. Or Dr. Strangelynch: How the Browns Learned to Stop Tackling and Love Getting Bombed.

Mavericks owner Mark Cuban was accused of insider trading Monday, and when I first read the headline on ESPN.com, it used the words "SEC" and "civil suit." I briefly thought to myself, "Why is the Southeastern Conference suing Mark Cuban?" Total incompetence 1, DJMJ 0.

No defensive back is more bratty than Eric Wright. Every time an offensive player has the football, he's poking at it like a whiny little kid trying to force a fumble. I love it.

Once upon a time, Vincent Chase said, "You can't act on Xanax." Well, Braylon Edwards can't catch on sobriety, and he caught eight balls tonight. Maybe he was on Xanax.

Penn State graduate and thick neck Hall-of-Famer Paul Posluszny is the anchor of the Bills' defense. That's another reason I like Buffalo.

Quite the cutback Josh Cribbs made to score our first touchdown. As Jaws pointed out on the broadcast, the play was designed to go outside, but Cribbsy's vision is COMPARABLE to WONDERBOY!

Rise up baby. The Cavs head to the Palace for Round 1 against the Pistons Wednesday night. As it stands right now, Cavs-Pistons is the most bitter rivalry in Cleveland sports. LET'S GO CAVS

Shaun Rogers never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction. (Editor's note: For the rest of the season, the "S" spot will be filled by Jack Bauer facts with Shaun Rogers' name attached, because I love him that much. And because he once won a game of Connect Four in three moves.)

To show you I wasn't lying about ESPN.com AFC North blogger James Walker, check out this lead he wrote for a post about Brandon McDonald's playmaking tonight:

"ORCHARD PARK, N.Y. -- The benching of Cleveland Browns cornerback Brandon McDonald didn't last long.

It lasted just one play.
"

The words "lazy" and "witless" come to mind. So do the words "James Walker is an awful writer."

Up top, Phil Dawson.

Very frustrating is how it can feel when we slam Jamal Lewis into defenses for short gains through the first three quarters. But that helps us soften them up. It's part of our plan, and we had the Bills sucking wind by game's end.

Why can't Romeo always manage late-game situations like he did tonight?

X-Factor was thrown up by Leodis McKelvin after his kickoff return for a touchdown. I haven't seen that since Dante Hall was at Dante's peak. Hey, that was clever.

Yeah, our white uniforms just sizzle under those Monday night lights. We know.

Zai jain, recent negativity. Until we lose in abhorrent fashion again (probably next week), I'm a relatively happy camper.


Houston, you have a problem.

Oops



Those responsible for the fault in the subtitles have been sacked. We apologize for the inconvenience.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Trailblazing

In the grand tradition of overreacting to movie trailers, I'm checking in now that Quantum of Solace has premiered (haven't seen it yet, FYI) and we've gotten our first look at one upcoming geek gala and our second look at another.

We'll start with what's sure to be the biggest buzz of cyberspace this month, the first footage from J.J. Abrams' Star Trek requel -- that's "reboot prequel" for all you none-w00ties out there -- and to be honest, it's rather middling. We start with a 1960s Chevy Corvette thundering down a country road, and before long, it's driven right off a cliff by a previously unseen 11-year-old boy who leaps out at the last second. A space-cop hops off his hoverbike and asks in a gruff, Robocop tone, "What is your name?" The boy impolitely retorts, "My name is James Tiberius Kirk!" Lame.

We're gonna pretend that never happened...just like Star Trek V

From there, it's a frenetic, souped-up expose of Star Trek's base values and impressive CGI. One of the movie's tastiest treats, Kirk's life before and at Starfleet Academy, is brushed upon early, with lifeless dialogue about struggling to fit in and being destined for bigger things delivered by Kirk's father (Chris Hemsworth), who doesn't even sound like he buys his own bullshit. Spock's treatment isn't much different, either. All trailers dumb down this kind of stuff to engage a larger audience, but seriously, who writes this crap?

Forgiving the cliches (including a shot of Chris Pine rebel-without-a-causing down a country road as an adult), the first Star Trek trailer has just enough goodies to keep Classic Trek fans encouraged. There's a great line by Karl Urban's Dr. McCoy about space, and the always-hilarious Simon Pegg nails Scotty's only line. The purported theme of "how a family comes together" is emphasized, there are hints of Zachary Quinto's vintage Vulcan learning to govern his emotions, we get to see the new Enterprise in action, and Eric Bana closes the trailer with scene-chewing goodness. Oh, and there's an irrevocably badass shot of Kirk and Spock together. You'll know it when you see it.

Because all other evidence supports it, I doubt the Top Gun stylings will dominate the movie like they dominate the trailer. I'm really looking forward to the final one.

Meanwhile, in the "JESUS MARY MOTHER OF GOD" category, the new Watchmen trailer is about as encouraging as Batman & Robin's teaser posters.


Remember those pieces of shit? Well, Zack Snyder's, ahem, "three-hour advertisement for the graphic novel" is looking more and more like a "three-hour advertisement against adapting Alan Moore's work altogether." First, we saw From Hell get a sincere effort from a fine cast and crew that ultimately couldn't translate its difficult ideology to the screen. Then, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen was turned into a computer-generated snoozer and slapped on soft drink labels. Most recently, we saw V For Vendetta push aside the graphic novel's essence and play to stupid college kids who like The Matrix and don't like George W. Bush.

The new Watchmen trailer indicates that the film is going to scrape down to the novel's core, i.e. the masked killer conspiracy thread and the idea of who governs the governors. That's all they (mostly Rorschach) talk about in the trailer, while lifting the most cliched lines from the book to hook viewers. As I said before, that's to be expected. But whenever you trim the fat, you walk along the edge of bastardizing the material, and that's exactly the impression that boils to the surface in the new trailer.

I highly doubt most who watch it will have the same opinion, but speaking for fans of the graphic novel, trust me, it looks like Snyder is going to turn this thing into a superhero adventure with morally ambiguous overtones. He seems to think that replicating the look of the comic is what counts most, and in the meantime, he's given no indication whatsoever that he's going to include the palpable impact of masked adventurers, or the alarming disconnect between the generations who commit to something and the ideological perversions of their heirs, which is the most important subtext of "Watchmen."

I know what you're thinking. I'm taking this way too seriously. I should lighten up. The truth is, I believe that plenty of Alan Moore's work could translate successfully to the screen (I've been wailing for a serious adaptation of "Superman: Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow?" for years). But not "Watchmen." It stands, like The Godfather in cinema, as the dividing line between the old way and the new. It's the book that truly matured the medium. If you think for one second that a comic book opus like The Dark Knight doesn't owe a big nod to "Watchmen", you're off your rocker.

In my opinion -- and at the end of the argument, it's truly just a difference of opinion -- it's a crime to transfer something like "Watchmen" so briskly.
Sure, it looks good. Sure, it may make money. But imagine someone novelizing Citizen Kane, or filming Highway 61 Revisited. There are some things that are just plain untouchable in every medium, and "Watchmen" is one of them. To borrow a line from Jeffrey Dean Morgan's interpretation of the Comedian:

God help us all.

Monday, November 10, 2008

The ABCs: Week 10

After four days and 400+ hours with my sports shrink, I can finally talk about the Browns again without wanting to maim each and every one of them.

But there's no excusing another miserable come-from-ahead loss. This team has built big leads late in our last two games, only to be rendered suddenly inept by the Ravens' paleolithic offense and Denver's 383rd-ranked defense.

We've been going backward like that all season, so why shouldn't the ABCs join the fun?

Zydrunas Ilgauskas is averaging 16 points, seven boards and two blocks per game so far. If we get that production out of our third option, we're gonna clip Boston. But that's the Cavs. Now back to your regularly scheduled poop stains.

Yes, I was thrilled with Brady Quinn in his debut (23-of-35, 239 yards, two touchdowns, no interceptions). But given our fourth quarter flatulence, there are bigger issues at hand.

eXamining the defense the last two games is like watching Regan MacNeil snap into a hellish hayfever. How can a unit that plays so well for three quarters suddenly start spewing green shit all over the field like that?

Also comes in cornerback!

We're in the midst of a stretch where we play four of five games at home. This would have been a great chance to move up in the playoff race. Salt, wound. Wound, salt.

Very, very, very, very, very, very, very poor job by Romeo Crennel these last two games. By my count, he's been our coach for 57 games, and he's looked halfway competent for maybe 15 of them.

Usually, I wouldn't worry about the Broncos marching up and down the field. They average almost 400 yards a game, it's what they do. But given their necro-running game and banged-up receivers, "deficient" doesn't begin to describe our fourth-quarter defense Thursday night.

THANK GOD Bryant Gumbel no longer does NFL Network games.

Saw some overall statistics, and apparently D'Qwell Jackson is leading the league with 88 tackles. There's one guy I'm not pissed at.

Regardless of how mouthy he can be, it's amazing how effective Kellen Winslow is when you THROW HIM THE BALL. Despite his fumble, K2 had 10 catches (including a couple shoe-stringers) for 111 yards and two touchdowns.

It's not like we're talking quantum physics here

Quinn was money, though. Yeah, Denver's defense sucks, but Brady moved around in the pocket, hit two-thirds of his intermediate passes and looked poised under center. Derek Anderson hasn't proven he can do any of that.

Politics were all the buzz last week with the 2008 presidential election. I don't care what you think about politics, and I'm sure you don't care what I think. As a history nerd, however, I can't begin to stress the significance of a black president-elect. We've come a long way, America.

Our special teams were money (again) and I'm praising them (again). From now on, just go ahead and assume that I'm happy with Dawson, Dave, Cribbsy and co. until otherwise noted.

No clue why Eddie Royal had so much space against Brandon McDonald on that 93-yard h-bomb early in the fourth quarter.

Maybe Subprime Mortgage is finally finding his way into the offense. He caught four balls against Denver, which equals his total from the first six games of the season. One of Brady's strengths is spreading the wealth, so if Subprime's open, he's gonna get chances.

Linebackers are supposed to be the stronger element of a 3-4 defense, and Jackson's talents are wasted playing alongside Andra Davis, Kamerion Wimbley and Willie McGinest. So much so that Davis, Wimbley and McGinest will now be referred to as Larry, Curly and Moe.

Kamerion -- I mean, Curly -- had our only sack of Jay Cutler. Congratulations, you now have one less sack than Alex Hall, who's played maybe a third as many snaps.

Just checked our season stats, and here's a number to complete this trilogy of lettered linebacker-bashing. Like I said, Jackson has 88 tackles this season. Larry, Curly and Moe have 98 combined. Time for some upgrades.

Syuck-syuck!

I can't believe it's taken this long to get Jerome Harrison and Josh Cribbs chances to run the football. They had eight rushes and gained 96 yards. This is a great way to spell Jamal Lewis, so obviously Romeo won't do it very often.

Have to be encouraged by Brady's fourth-quarter drive that took back the lead. Have to be discouraged by how easily Denver went right back down the field to win the game.

God, we suck on third down. We've converted 28 percent of them over the past four games. God, we suck on third down.

Fumigating the locker room after games wouldn't be a bad idea. That way, we could knock out staph infections AND fourth-quarter infections.

Expecting Brady Quinn to be as comfortable in every game as he was Thursday is unrealistic, but our offensive line should make the transition smoother than on most teams.

Death, taxes and Romeo's soft coaching costing the Browns a victory. Yup.

Caught Kenny Smith's "NBA Cabinet" feature on TNT's halftime show Thursday. Good stuff, although I don't know how Kevin Garnett loses out to Ron Artest as secretary of defense. I know KG's already the energy secretary, but Artest is more like a weapon of mass destruction.

'xcuse my mushroom cloud

Buffalo's up next, and it's a road game on Monday Night Football. Hopefully there won't be a huge blizzard this time. Wait a minute. What am I talking about? That was sweet. Here's to another snowy smackdown!

At last I've reached the end of this week's ABCs. For some reason, doing it backwards took a lot longer than doing it forwards. That's what she said.



Let's circle them wagons.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

I suck

It's banal, it's mundane, it's witless, it's obtuse.

It's also true.

When it comes to sports, I'm a loser. Cleveland, Penn State football and United States men's soccer is all I truly give a shit about. And none of them do shit. Not only that, they constantly finds new ways to rip out my intestines and shit where my spleen used to be.

This blog is about Cleveland and Pittsburgh, but this has more to do with Penn State's rectum-rupturing loss to Iowa this afternoon. Between making Rick Stanzi look like Joe Montana, veterans like Anthony Scirrotto making peewee football mistakes late in the game, mind-numbing/boggling playcalling, Bob Griese rooting for the Hawkeyes, and the dreams of ANOTHER FUCKING SPORTS CHAMPIONSHIP ruined, I'm dispondent.

Remember that scene in Happy Gilmore after Happy accidentally killed Chubbs? It's the one where he tells Virginia "Anybody close to me dies. If I were you, I'd run."

If you're also a fan of any of my sports teams, I'd stop rooting for them.

Now, I'm cutting this post off before I decide to quit sports altogether.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

This Week's ABCs Have Been Postponed



This week's ABCs have been postponed until later this weekend, for no other reason than this: I am so unfathomably pissed off at the Browns that I can't possibly focus on them for more than five minutes without breaking a valuable possession. And I value my valuable possessions.

Since, however, I am a fan, and therefore required by man law to still love the Browns, I will go relax, boil some spaghetti and try to forget that tonight's 34-30 loss to Denver ever happened.

I'm Chevy Chase, and I wish I rooted for your football team.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Champagne Bradynova



How many inter-ceptions thrown
How many foot-ball games were blown
Where were you, why werrrre you on the piiiine
Slowly drop-ping back to pass
Ander-son is such an ass
Where were you, why werrrre you on the piiiine

Some-day we will fiiiind you
Past that An-der-son guyyyy
On a Browns team, under center in the skyyyy
Some-day we will fiiiind you
Past that An-der-son guyyyy
On a Browns team, under center
On a Browns team, under center in the skyyyy

Wake up D-A and ask him why
What hap-pened to the other guy
The one who made the of-fense come aliiiive
Slowly star-ted to suck ass
Now he caaaan't complete a pass
Where were you, why werrrre you on the piiiine

Some-day we will fiiiind you
Past that An-der-son guyyyy
On a Browns team, under center in the skyyyy
Some-day we will fiiiind you
Past that An-der-son guyyyy
On a Browns team, under center
On a Browns team, under center


'Cause Ro-me-o thinks
That An-der-son is not a one-year won-derrrr
But you and I, were al-ways right
The choice has been so clear, we don't know whyyyy
Why, why, why, whyyyy


Badass guitar riffs galore


How many'd make a coa-ching change
When your Q-B is worse than mange
Where were you, why werrrre you on the piiiine
Slowly throw-ing up a pick
Ander-son is such a dick
Where were you, why werrre you on the piiiine

Some-day we will fiiiind you
Past that An-der-son guyyyy
On a Browns team, under center in the skyyyy
Some-day we will fiiiind you
Past that An-der-son guyyyy
On a Browns team, under center
On a Browns team, under center

'Cause Sa-vage be-lieved
That Ro-me-o was-n't ma-king a blun-der
But you and I, were al-ways right
These dudes can't run a team, we don't know whyyyy
Why, why, why, whyyyy


More badass guitar riffs whether you want 'em or not


How of-ten did we call his name
Now he's gon-na be in the game
Where were you, why werrrre you on the piiiine
Werrrre you on the piiiine
Werrrre you on the piiiine
Werrrre you on the piiiine
Werrrre you on the piiiine

Werrrre you on the piiiine


Werrrre you on the piiiine



Werrrre you on the piiiine




Werrrre you on the piiiine



You know that euphoric, dream-like state you enter when you listen to Definitely Maybe and (What's the Story) Morning Glory? That's me right now. The news that Brady Quinn was starting this Thursday carried me on my run today. It's got me hopping around as I watch the Cavs on NBA TV. I almost want to spend money I don't have on a Brady Quinn jersey.

Boy has this kid been gifted an opportunity. Some people balk at the short week of practice. I say he's going to be more rested and ready than everyone else. And who's he facing in his first game? None other than the Denver Broncos, who are probably the most despised team in town after the AFC North puddle slime. Beating them in front of the home crowd would equal buku mojo.

We won't get as many big plays from Quinn, but if he works out, we'll be a better, more efficient offense. That goes a long way in the NFL. If he doesn't work out, then he doesn't work out, but we have to give him a chance to play.

Thanks in part to Anderson, there isn't much else to do this season.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

THE ABCS: WEEK 9

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME BROWNS?!?!

BRAYLON EDWARDS, IF YOU DROP ONE MORE PASS I WILL FLY TO CLEVELAND AND NINJA-KICK YOU RIGHT IN YOUR FUCKING NUTS!

CAN WE PLEASE THROW DEEP MORE THAN SIX TIMES AGAINST A TEAM WITHOUT THREE OF ITS FOUR STARTERS IN THE SECONDARY?? HOW BOUT IT, ROB CHUDZINSKI????

DEREK ANDERSON GETS BOOED BECAUSE HE'S WILDLY INCONSISTENT AND RESPONDS TO ADVERSITY LIKE A PUSSY AND COULDN'T COMPLETE A PASS TO LEBRON JAMES IF HE WERE MATCHED UP AGAINST VERNE FUCKING TROYER!

EVERY TIME BRANDON MCDONALD GOT BURNED LIKE EVANGELINE LILLY'S HOUSE I WANTED TO FIRE MY FIST THROUGH MY VIZIO -- which I would never do, cuz it's the sweetest TV ever -- BUT EVEN DARRELL GREEN AND DEION SANDERS' LOVE CHILD WOULD STRUGGLE IF HE WAS INEXPLICABLY PUT ON AN ISLAND EVERY SINGLE PLAY!!!!

THE BROWNS ARE MORE LOST THAN YOU ARE

FLACCO IS A FUCKING ROOKIE!! GET SOME PRESSURE ON HIM ALREADY!!!!

Go grab a beer or something, Shaun Rogers and D'Qwell Jackson. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

HOW THE HELL DID THAT TERRELL SUGGS INTERCEPTION RETURN HAPPEN? HOW DO YOU THROW THAT FUCKING BALL IN THAT FUCKING SITUATION?? EITHER THROW IT AWAY OR THROW IT TO SOMEONE'S FEET!!!! HOW LONG HAVE YOU PLAYED FOOTBALL, DA??????????

I'M GOING TO COOL DOWN LATER TONIGHT, AND THEN I'M GOING TO REMEMBER HOW WE ALLOWED 24 UNANSWERED POINTS AT HOME AFTER SEIZING CONTROL IN THE THIRD QUARTER AND START GOING FUCKING BALLISTIC AGAIN!!!!

JUST ONCE I WOULD LIKE ROMEO CRENNEL TO PLAY TO WIN!! JUST ONCE!!!!

KAMERION WIMBLEY SHOULD BE OUT AS SOON AS FUCKING POSSIBLE BECAUSE HE COULDN'T TACKLE A STATUE!!

LISTENING TO RICH GANNON ANALYZE A FOOTBALL GAME MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT SEPPUKU IN MY FUCKING EARS!!

MOTHERFUCKERS LIKE THE BIGOTS WHO ARE GOING TO VOTE FOR PROP 8 IN CALIFORNIA MAKE ME LOSE ALL FAITH IN HUMANITY!! WHY SHOULDN'T GAY PEOPLE BE ALLOWED TO GET MARRIED?? I HOPE YOU ALL BURN IN FUCKING HELL!!!!

NOW IT'S ALL UP TO PENN STATE, CUZ IT SURE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE THE BROWNS ARE GOING TO BE PLAYING PAST CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR!

OH, AND SPEAKING OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL, TIM TEBOW'S "GOOD FRIEND" IS FUCKING SMOKING!!!!


PERHAPS SEAN JONES GOT JUKED BY RAY RICE ON THAT 60-YARD RUN BECAUSE HE WAS PRACTICING FOR DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION!! HOW DO I FUCKING KNOW????

QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN
QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN

ROMEO, ROMEO, WHEREFORE ART THOU ROMEO? HOPEFULLY UPDATING YOUR FUCKING RESUME IN ABOUT EIGHT WEEKS!!!!

Special teams is really kicking ass right now. Phil Dawson and Dave Zastudil had strong days, and Josh Cribbs had 278 return yards and a touchdown. Guys, you can go join Rogers and Jackson.

Television shows on NBC normally suck (HELLO HEROES), but I'm really getting into Chuck. It's the classic, Hitchcockian accidental hero transplanted into southern California, with Zachary Levi mixing Clark Kent and Jim Halpert into his portrayal of Chuck. Wily vet Adam Baldwin gives ample support as NSA Agent John Casey, and then there's Yvonne Strahovski. Mmmmmm Yvonne Strahovski.


UNDER 50 YARDS RUSHING FOR JAMAL LEWIS. GREAT JOB ESTABLISHING THAT FUCKING RUNNING GAME, CHUD!!

VOTES FROM ROMEO AND CHUD ARE PROBABLY GOING TO MCCAIN AND PALIN THIS TUESDAY, CUZ ALL WE'VE SEEN IS CONSERVATIVE SHIT THIS SEASON!!

WEEK 10 IS A SHORT WEEK CUZ WE'VE GOT THE BRONCOS COMING IN THURSDAY. IF WE LOSE TO THE DENVER DRIVEFUMBLES AT HOME, CUYAHOGA COUNTY WILL EXPLODE.

XYLOPHONES SHOULD BE PROVIDED TO THE FANS SO THEY CAN HAVE MUSICAL ACCOMPANIMENT TO THEIR CHORUS OF BRADY QUINN CHANTS!!

YASSER ARAFAT'S FEELINGS TOWARD ISRAEL THINK THAT BROWNS FANS ARE ANGRY AS HELL!!

ZEROES SHOULD BE OUR NEW MASCOT UNTIL WE SHED THIS TERRIBLE INCONSISTENCY.


Pray the good Browns don't show up this week, you putrid ponies.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

I Ordered a Caesar Salad, GOD DAMMIT



Mrs. Singletary: Oh, honey, it’s really great that you could get some time away from the team so that we could celebrate you getting the head coaching job. I know it’s going to be tough, and I know you don’t have much to work with, but I believe in you, and I think you’ll do a great job.

Mike Singletary: Thanks honey, it’s just tough for me, I feel, to get through to some of these younger guys. None of them have the team’s best interests in mind—they’re just selfish. Anyway, let’s not talk about that, let’s just sit down and enjoy this nice din—hey, hey, HEY! What the FUCK? WAITER! I ordered a Caesar salad. What is this? What? Is? This?!! What the hell is wrong with you?

-10 second pause-

Look, I’d rather go out, and not eat a salad, and just spend the whole meal wishing I’d had more vegetables, than eat a house salad, when I ordered a CAESAR! Jesus! Fuck me in the ear and call me Chris Spielman! You know what? You know what…just go. I’d rather have you not serving anyone in this restaurant, and I mean ANYONE, than being here, screwing up. You’re more use to this restaurant as a patron. Go, take off the uniform, and order something. Order a delicious meal. I’m willing to bet that your waiter, who is probably more of a team player, won’t screw your order up.

-Looks around wildly-

Is no one listening? For the love of Ditka would you ignorant fucks shut up and serve your tables? If I hear one more of you slot-locking dykes crying about how hard you have to work, I’m going to come and give you a free rectal exam with my play sheet—and it’s LAMINATED! I swear to Buddha I am going to fire each and every one of you if you don’t start to shape up. This is a team. This is the OLIVE GARDEN. This is not FAST FOOD. You do not get by with LOAFING.

-Takes a breath-

You know what, fuck it, you little anal abrasions. This is the worst performance by a wait staff that I have ever seen. This is what you little cumsticks remind me of!

-Drops pants, points to ass-

This is a fucking disgrace! I came here to have a nice meal with my wife and now you’ve got me all fired up, and I don’t know what I’m going to do to cool off! There’s only one thing I can think of that would possibly work.

-Drops boxers, dips balls in ice water-

There! How you like me now?!

Mrs. Singletary: Check, please.