Even though the Browns really make it hard to like life every week, I still sit through the games. This way, I can be proud once the Browns reach the summit, whenever that may be. I can sit here and say I was with 'em through the toughest of times. It's going to be a great feeling when we're 12-4 and competent instead of 4-12 and maladroit.
Until that happens, let me spell it out for you:
Yawn.
Showing posts with label now I know my ABCs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label now I know my ABCs. Show all posts
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Monday, November 17, 2008
The ABCs: Week 11
Whenever the Browns play the Bills, family bragging rights are essentially at stake. My mom's side is from Cleveland, and my dad's side is from Rochester, New York, which is like 70 miles from Buffalo. Before the game, I e-mailed a bunch of family members my final prediction:
Buffalo 6, Cleveland 5
I was only half-joking, and instead of the score, those numbers turned out to be closer to Buffalo's total turnovers and our busted red zone opportunities.
In any case, as intense as the Monday Nighter got, it never felt like more than a scrimmage against a bunch of friends. I don't really root for anyone other than the Browns, but if I had to choose, the Bills are probably my second-favorite team.
I'm glad we have the kicker that can nail 56-yarders, though.
All three of those interceptions to start the game were nice to see, but as usual, our defense was softer than toilet paper when it really counted.
Brady Quinn had a rough night, but he didn't turn the ball over. That's been my absolute favorite part about his first two starts. Too often have I watched momentum squandered because Derek Anderson goes colorblind every now and then.
Combined with our earlier Monday Night win, we're 2-0 against the Giants and Bills. If this was Super Bowl XXV, we'd rock.
D'Qwell Jackson had 11 tackles by himself, while the Three Stooges totaled 19. Credit is due, however, to Larry and Curly's hands on the first two picks.
Each time we kicked field goals in the red zone, I wanted to kick Romeo Crennel and Rob Chudzinski square in the nads.
Funniest moment of the night goes to Moe, who had Marshawn Lynch cornered for a loss in the first quarter...until his tackle threw Lynch forward for a gain of three. Nyuck nyuck.
Gotta love how the Bills turn the ball over three times on their first 16 plays, and we only manage two field goals, and then we get pinned on our own 4-yard line, and we march 96 yards for a touchdown. (cue Eminem) SCHIZ-O-PHREN-IA, HOW MANY OF YA GOT IT
Had we lost our third straight game in which we led by 13 or more, I would have shaken my head, because at least it's against Buffalo. Had we done it against, say, Pissburgh, there'd be a steaming crater where North Hollywood used to be.
I'm only going to briefly address the whole "quitting" issue that's surfaced, because I don't think it's a serious problem. I respect Jamal Lewis' voice more than any other Brown, so there probably was something to it. But these guys have never had a problem playing hard for Romeo. The real issue is that Romeo doesn't always play hard for them.
Jerome Harrison is a shifty, speedy football player. It's about time he got more action, and I'm thrilled he made it count.
Kawika Mitchell's late hit on Harrison helped lead to one of our field goals, and Buffalo fans weren't happy about it. When it comes to penalties that could go either way, I ask myself one question: Would I have a problem if it were called against my team? My answer, in Mitchell's situation, is yes.
Lynch is the best running back in the NFL after contact. Or the Browns made Lynch look like the best running back in the NFL after contact. Or Dr. Strangelynch: How the Browns Learned to Stop Tackling and Love Getting Bombed.
Mavericks owner Mark Cuban was accused of insider trading Monday, and when I first read the headline on ESPN.com, it used the words "SEC" and "civil suit." I briefly thought to myself, "Why is the Southeastern Conference suing Mark Cuban?" Total incompetence 1, DJMJ 0.
No defensive back is more bratty than Eric Wright. Every time an offensive player has the football, he's poking at it like a whiny little kid trying to force a fumble. I love it.
Once upon a time, Vincent Chase said, "You can't act on Xanax." Well, Braylon Edwards can't catch on sobriety, and he caught eight balls tonight. Maybe he was on Xanax.
Penn State graduate and thick neck Hall-of-Famer Paul Posluszny is the anchor of the Bills' defense. That's another reason I like Buffalo.
Quite the cutback Josh Cribbs made to score our first touchdown. As Jaws pointed out on the broadcast, the play was designed to go outside, but Cribbsy's vision is COMPARABLE to WONDERBOY!
Rise up baby. The Cavs head to the Palace for Round 1 against the Pistons Wednesday night. As it stands right now, Cavs-Pistons is the most bitter rivalry in Cleveland sports. LET'S GO CAVS
Shaun Rogers never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction. (Editor's note: For the rest of the season, the "S" spot will be filled by Jack Bauer facts with Shaun Rogers' name attached, because I love him that much. And because he once won a game of Connect Four in three moves.)
To show you I wasn't lying about ESPN.com AFC North blogger James Walker, check out this lead he wrote for a post about Brandon McDonald's playmaking tonight:
"ORCHARD PARK, N.Y. -- The benching of Cleveland Browns cornerback Brandon McDonald didn't last long.
It lasted just one play."
The words "lazy" and "witless" come to mind. So do the words "James Walker is an awful writer."
Up top, Phil Dawson.
Very frustrating is how it can feel when we slam Jamal Lewis into defenses for short gains through the first three quarters. But that helps us soften them up. It's part of our plan, and we had the Bills sucking wind by game's end.
Why can't Romeo always manage late-game situations like he did tonight?
X-Factor was thrown up by Leodis McKelvin after his kickoff return for a touchdown. I haven't seen that since Dante Hall was at Dante's peak. Hey, that was clever.
Yeah, our white uniforms just sizzle under those Monday night lights. We know.
Zai jain, recent negativity. Until we lose in abhorrent fashion again (probably next week), I'm a relatively happy camper.
Houston, you have a problem.
Buffalo 6, Cleveland 5
I was only half-joking, and instead of the score, those numbers turned out to be closer to Buffalo's total turnovers and our busted red zone opportunities.
In any case, as intense as the Monday Nighter got, it never felt like more than a scrimmage against a bunch of friends. I don't really root for anyone other than the Browns, but if I had to choose, the Bills are probably my second-favorite team.
I'm glad we have the kicker that can nail 56-yarders, though.
All three of those interceptions to start the game were nice to see, but as usual, our defense was softer than toilet paper when it really counted.
Brady Quinn had a rough night, but he didn't turn the ball over. That's been my absolute favorite part about his first two starts. Too often have I watched momentum squandered because Derek Anderson goes colorblind every now and then.
Combined with our earlier Monday Night win, we're 2-0 against the Giants and Bills. If this was Super Bowl XXV, we'd rock.
D'Qwell Jackson had 11 tackles by himself, while the Three Stooges totaled 19. Credit is due, however, to Larry and Curly's hands on the first two picks.
Each time we kicked field goals in the red zone, I wanted to kick Romeo Crennel and Rob Chudzinski square in the nads.
Funniest moment of the night goes to Moe, who had Marshawn Lynch cornered for a loss in the first quarter...until his tackle threw Lynch forward for a gain of three. Nyuck nyuck.
Gotta love how the Bills turn the ball over three times on their first 16 plays, and we only manage two field goals, and then we get pinned on our own 4-yard line, and we march 96 yards for a touchdown. (cue Eminem) SCHIZ-O-PHREN-IA, HOW MANY OF YA GOT IT
Had we lost our third straight game in which we led by 13 or more, I would have shaken my head, because at least it's against Buffalo. Had we done it against, say, Pissburgh, there'd be a steaming crater where North Hollywood used to be.
I'm only going to briefly address the whole "quitting" issue that's surfaced, because I don't think it's a serious problem. I respect Jamal Lewis' voice more than any other Brown, so there probably was something to it. But these guys have never had a problem playing hard for Romeo. The real issue is that Romeo doesn't always play hard for them.
Jerome Harrison is a shifty, speedy football player. It's about time he got more action, and I'm thrilled he made it count.
Kawika Mitchell's late hit on Harrison helped lead to one of our field goals, and Buffalo fans weren't happy about it. When it comes to penalties that could go either way, I ask myself one question: Would I have a problem if it were called against my team? My answer, in Mitchell's situation, is yes.
Lynch is the best running back in the NFL after contact. Or the Browns made Lynch look like the best running back in the NFL after contact. Or Dr. Strangelynch: How the Browns Learned to Stop Tackling and Love Getting Bombed.
Mavericks owner Mark Cuban was accused of insider trading Monday, and when I first read the headline on ESPN.com, it used the words "SEC" and "civil suit." I briefly thought to myself, "Why is the Southeastern Conference suing Mark Cuban?" Total incompetence 1, DJMJ 0.
No defensive back is more bratty than Eric Wright. Every time an offensive player has the football, he's poking at it like a whiny little kid trying to force a fumble. I love it.
Once upon a time, Vincent Chase said, "You can't act on Xanax." Well, Braylon Edwards can't catch on sobriety, and he caught eight balls tonight. Maybe he was on Xanax.
Penn State graduate and thick neck Hall-of-Famer Paul Posluszny is the anchor of the Bills' defense. That's another reason I like Buffalo.
Quite the cutback Josh Cribbs made to score our first touchdown. As Jaws pointed out on the broadcast, the play was designed to go outside, but Cribbsy's vision is COMPARABLE to WONDERBOY!
Rise up baby. The Cavs head to the Palace for Round 1 against the Pistons Wednesday night. As it stands right now, Cavs-Pistons is the most bitter rivalry in Cleveland sports. LET'S GO CAVS
Shaun Rogers never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction. (Editor's note: For the rest of the season, the "S" spot will be filled by Jack Bauer facts with Shaun Rogers' name attached, because I love him that much. And because he once won a game of Connect Four in three moves.)
To show you I wasn't lying about ESPN.com AFC North blogger James Walker, check out this lead he wrote for a post about Brandon McDonald's playmaking tonight:
"ORCHARD PARK, N.Y. -- The benching of Cleveland Browns cornerback Brandon McDonald didn't last long.
It lasted just one play."
The words "lazy" and "witless" come to mind. So do the words "James Walker is an awful writer."
Up top, Phil Dawson.
Very frustrating is how it can feel when we slam Jamal Lewis into defenses for short gains through the first three quarters. But that helps us soften them up. It's part of our plan, and we had the Bills sucking wind by game's end.
Why can't Romeo always manage late-game situations like he did tonight?
X-Factor was thrown up by Leodis McKelvin after his kickoff return for a touchdown. I haven't seen that since Dante Hall was at Dante's peak. Hey, that was clever.
Yeah, our white uniforms just sizzle under those Monday night lights. We know.
Zai jain, recent negativity. Until we lose in abhorrent fashion again (probably next week), I'm a relatively happy camper.
Houston, you have a problem.
Monday, November 10, 2008
The ABCs: Week 10
After four days and 400+ hours with my sports shrink, I can finally talk about the Browns again without wanting to maim each and every one of them.
But there's no excusing another miserable come-from-ahead loss. This team has built big leads late in our last two games, only to be rendered suddenly inept by the Ravens' paleolithic offense and Denver's 383rd-ranked defense.
We've been going backward like that all season, so why shouldn't the ABCs join the fun?
Zydrunas Ilgauskas is averaging 16 points, seven boards and two blocks per game so far. If we get that production out of our third option, we're gonna clip Boston. But that's the Cavs. Now back to your regularly scheduled poop stains.
Yes, I was thrilled with Brady Quinn in his debut (23-of-35, 239 yards, two touchdowns, no interceptions). But given our fourth quarter flatulence, there are bigger issues at hand.
eXamining the defense the last two games is like watching Regan MacNeil snap into a hellish hayfever. How can a unit that plays so well for three quarters suddenly start spewing green shit all over the field like that?
Also comes in cornerback!
We're in the midst of a stretch where we play four of five games at home. This would have been a great chance to move up in the playoff race. Salt, wound. Wound, salt.
Very, very, very, very, very, very, very poor job by Romeo Crennel these last two games. By my count, he's been our coach for 57 games, and he's looked halfway competent for maybe 15 of them.
Usually, I wouldn't worry about the Broncos marching up and down the field. They average almost 400 yards a game, it's what they do. But given their necro-running game and banged-up receivers, "deficient" doesn't begin to describe our fourth-quarter defense Thursday night.
THANK GOD Bryant Gumbel no longer does NFL Network games.
Saw some overall statistics, and apparently D'Qwell Jackson is leading the league with 88 tackles. There's one guy I'm not pissed at.
Regardless of how mouthy he can be, it's amazing how effective Kellen Winslow is when you THROW HIM THE BALL. Despite his fumble, K2 had 10 catches (including a couple shoe-stringers) for 111 yards and two touchdowns.
It's not like we're talking quantum physics here
Quinn was money, though. Yeah, Denver's defense sucks, but Brady moved around in the pocket, hit two-thirds of his intermediate passes and looked poised under center. Derek Anderson hasn't proven he can do any of that.
Politics were all the buzz last week with the 2008 presidential election. I don't care what you think about politics, and I'm sure you don't care what I think. As a history nerd, however, I can't begin to stress the significance of a black president-elect. We've come a long way, America.
Our special teams were money (again) and I'm praising them (again). From now on, just go ahead and assume that I'm happy with Dawson, Dave, Cribbsy and co. until otherwise noted.
No clue why Eddie Royal had so much space against Brandon McDonald on that 93-yard h-bomb early in the fourth quarter.
Maybe Subprime Mortgage is finally finding his way into the offense. He caught four balls against Denver, which equals his total from the first six games of the season. One of Brady's strengths is spreading the wealth, so if Subprime's open, he's gonna get chances.
Linebackers are supposed to be the stronger element of a 3-4 defense, and Jackson's talents are wasted playing alongside Andra Davis, Kamerion Wimbley and Willie McGinest. So much so that Davis, Wimbley and McGinest will now be referred to as Larry, Curly and Moe.
Kamerion -- I mean, Curly -- had our only sack of Jay Cutler. Congratulations, you now have one less sack than Alex Hall, who's played maybe a third as many snaps.
Just checked our season stats, and here's a number to complete this trilogy of lettered linebacker-bashing. Like I said, Jackson has 88 tackles this season. Larry, Curly and Moe have 98 combined. Time for some upgrades.
Syuck-syuck!
I can't believe it's taken this long to get Jerome Harrison and Josh Cribbs chances to run the football. They had eight rushes and gained 96 yards. This is a great way to spell Jamal Lewis, so obviously Romeo won't do it very often.
Have to be encouraged by Brady's fourth-quarter drive that took back the lead. Have to be discouraged by how easily Denver went right back down the field to win the game.
God, we suck on third down. We've converted 28 percent of them over the past four games. God, we suck on third down.
Fumigating the locker room after games wouldn't be a bad idea. That way, we could knock out staph infections AND fourth-quarter infections.
Expecting Brady Quinn to be as comfortable in every game as he was Thursday is unrealistic, but our offensive line should make the transition smoother than on most teams.
Death, taxes and Romeo's soft coaching costing the Browns a victory. Yup.
Caught Kenny Smith's "NBA Cabinet" feature on TNT's halftime show Thursday. Good stuff, although I don't know how Kevin Garnett loses out to Ron Artest as secretary of defense. I know KG's already the energy secretary, but Artest is more like a weapon of mass destruction.
'xcuse my mushroom cloud
Buffalo's up next, and it's a road game on Monday Night Football. Hopefully there won't be a huge blizzard this time. Wait a minute. What am I talking about? That was sweet. Here's to another snowy smackdown!
At last I've reached the end of this week's ABCs. For some reason, doing it backwards took a lot longer than doing it forwards. That's what she said.
Let's circle them wagons.
But there's no excusing another miserable come-from-ahead loss. This team has built big leads late in our last two games, only to be rendered suddenly inept by the Ravens' paleolithic offense and Denver's 383rd-ranked defense.
We've been going backward like that all season, so why shouldn't the ABCs join the fun?
Zydrunas Ilgauskas is averaging 16 points, seven boards and two blocks per game so far. If we get that production out of our third option, we're gonna clip Boston. But that's the Cavs. Now back to your regularly scheduled poop stains.
Yes, I was thrilled with Brady Quinn in his debut (23-of-35, 239 yards, two touchdowns, no interceptions). But given our fourth quarter flatulence, there are bigger issues at hand.
eXamining the defense the last two games is like watching Regan MacNeil snap into a hellish hayfever. How can a unit that plays so well for three quarters suddenly start spewing green shit all over the field like that?
Also comes in cornerback!We're in the midst of a stretch where we play four of five games at home. This would have been a great chance to move up in the playoff race. Salt, wound. Wound, salt.
Very, very, very, very, very, very, very poor job by Romeo Crennel these last two games. By my count, he's been our coach for 57 games, and he's looked halfway competent for maybe 15 of them.
Usually, I wouldn't worry about the Broncos marching up and down the field. They average almost 400 yards a game, it's what they do. But given their necro-running game and banged-up receivers, "deficient" doesn't begin to describe our fourth-quarter defense Thursday night.
THANK GOD Bryant Gumbel no longer does NFL Network games.
Saw some overall statistics, and apparently D'Qwell Jackson is leading the league with 88 tackles. There's one guy I'm not pissed at.
Regardless of how mouthy he can be, it's amazing how effective Kellen Winslow is when you THROW HIM THE BALL. Despite his fumble, K2 had 10 catches (including a couple shoe-stringers) for 111 yards and two touchdowns.
It's not like we're talking quantum physics hereQuinn was money, though. Yeah, Denver's defense sucks, but Brady moved around in the pocket, hit two-thirds of his intermediate passes and looked poised under center. Derek Anderson hasn't proven he can do any of that.
Politics were all the buzz last week with the 2008 presidential election. I don't care what you think about politics, and I'm sure you don't care what I think. As a history nerd, however, I can't begin to stress the significance of a black president-elect. We've come a long way, America.
Our special teams were money (again) and I'm praising them (again). From now on, just go ahead and assume that I'm happy with Dawson, Dave, Cribbsy and co. until otherwise noted.
No clue why Eddie Royal had so much space against Brandon McDonald on that 93-yard h-bomb early in the fourth quarter.
Maybe Subprime Mortgage is finally finding his way into the offense. He caught four balls against Denver, which equals his total from the first six games of the season. One of Brady's strengths is spreading the wealth, so if Subprime's open, he's gonna get chances.
Linebackers are supposed to be the stronger element of a 3-4 defense, and Jackson's talents are wasted playing alongside Andra Davis, Kamerion Wimbley and Willie McGinest. So much so that Davis, Wimbley and McGinest will now be referred to as Larry, Curly and Moe.
Kamerion -- I mean, Curly -- had our only sack of Jay Cutler. Congratulations, you now have one less sack than Alex Hall, who's played maybe a third as many snaps.
Just checked our season stats, and here's a number to complete this trilogy of lettered linebacker-bashing. Like I said, Jackson has 88 tackles this season. Larry, Curly and Moe have 98 combined. Time for some upgrades.
Syuck-syuck!I can't believe it's taken this long to get Jerome Harrison and Josh Cribbs chances to run the football. They had eight rushes and gained 96 yards. This is a great way to spell Jamal Lewis, so obviously Romeo won't do it very often.
Have to be encouraged by Brady's fourth-quarter drive that took back the lead. Have to be discouraged by how easily Denver went right back down the field to win the game.
God, we suck on third down. We've converted 28 percent of them over the past four games. God, we suck on third down.
Fumigating the locker room after games wouldn't be a bad idea. That way, we could knock out staph infections AND fourth-quarter infections.
Expecting Brady Quinn to be as comfortable in every game as he was Thursday is unrealistic, but our offensive line should make the transition smoother than on most teams.
Death, taxes and Romeo's soft coaching costing the Browns a victory. Yup.
Caught Kenny Smith's "NBA Cabinet" feature on TNT's halftime show Thursday. Good stuff, although I don't know how Kevin Garnett loses out to Ron Artest as secretary of defense. I know KG's already the energy secretary, but Artest is more like a weapon of mass destruction.
'xcuse my mushroom cloudBuffalo's up next, and it's a road game on Monday Night Football. Hopefully there won't be a huge blizzard this time. Wait a minute. What am I talking about? That was sweet. Here's to another snowy smackdown!
At last I've reached the end of this week's ABCs. For some reason, doing it backwards took a lot longer than doing it forwards. That's what she said.
Let's circle them wagons.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
THE ABCS: WEEK 9
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME BROWNS?!?!
BRAYLON EDWARDS, IF YOU DROP ONE MORE PASS I WILL FLY TO CLEVELAND AND NINJA-KICK YOU RIGHT IN YOUR FUCKING NUTS!
CAN WE PLEASE THROW DEEP MORE THAN SIX TIMES AGAINST A TEAM WITHOUT THREE OF ITS FOUR STARTERS IN THE SECONDARY?? HOW BOUT IT, ROB CHUDZINSKI????
DEREK ANDERSON GETS BOOED BECAUSE HE'S WILDLY INCONSISTENT AND RESPONDS TO ADVERSITY LIKE A PUSSY AND COULDN'T COMPLETE A PASS TO LEBRON JAMES IF HE WERE MATCHED UP AGAINST VERNE FUCKING TROYER!
EVERY TIME BRANDON MCDONALD GOT BURNED LIKE EVANGELINE LILLY'S HOUSE I WANTED TO FIRE MY FIST THROUGH MY VIZIO -- which I would never do, cuz it's the sweetest TV ever -- BUT EVEN DARRELL GREEN AND DEION SANDERS' LOVE CHILD WOULD STRUGGLE IF HE WAS INEXPLICABLY PUT ON AN ISLAND EVERY SINGLE PLAY!!!!
THE BROWNS ARE MORE LOST THAN YOU ARE
FLACCO IS A FUCKING ROOKIE!! GET SOME PRESSURE ON HIM ALREADY!!!!
Go grab a beer or something, Shaun Rogers and D'Qwell Jackson. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
HOW THE HELL DID THAT TERRELL SUGGS INTERCEPTION RETURN HAPPEN? HOW DO YOU THROW THAT FUCKING BALL IN THAT FUCKING SITUATION?? EITHER THROW IT AWAY OR THROW IT TO SOMEONE'S FEET!!!! HOW LONG HAVE YOU PLAYED FOOTBALL, DA??????????
I'M GOING TO COOL DOWN LATER TONIGHT, AND THEN I'M GOING TO REMEMBER HOW WE ALLOWED 24 UNANSWERED POINTS AT HOME AFTER SEIZING CONTROL IN THE THIRD QUARTER AND START GOING FUCKING BALLISTIC AGAIN!!!!
JUST ONCE I WOULD LIKE ROMEO CRENNEL TO PLAY TO WIN!! JUST ONCE!!!!
KAMERION WIMBLEY SHOULD BE OUT AS SOON AS FUCKING POSSIBLE BECAUSE HE COULDN'T TACKLE A STATUE!!
LISTENING TO RICH GANNON ANALYZE A FOOTBALL GAME MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT SEPPUKU IN MY FUCKING EARS!!
MOTHERFUCKERS LIKE THE BIGOTS WHO ARE GOING TO VOTE FOR PROP 8 IN CALIFORNIA MAKE ME LOSE ALL FAITH IN HUMANITY!! WHY SHOULDN'T GAY PEOPLE BE ALLOWED TO GET MARRIED?? I HOPE YOU ALL BURN IN FUCKING HELL!!!!
NOW IT'S ALL UP TO PENN STATE, CUZ IT SURE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE THE BROWNS ARE GOING TO BE PLAYING PAST CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR!
OH, AND SPEAKING OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL, TIM TEBOW'S "GOOD FRIEND" IS FUCKING SMOKING!!!!
PERHAPS SEAN JONES GOT JUKED BY RAY RICE ON THAT 60-YARD RUN BECAUSE HE WAS PRACTICING FOR DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION!! HOW DO I FUCKING KNOW????
QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN
ROMEO, ROMEO, WHEREFORE ART THOU ROMEO? HOPEFULLY UPDATING YOUR FUCKING RESUME IN ABOUT EIGHT WEEKS!!!!
Special teams is really kicking ass right now. Phil Dawson and Dave Zastudil had strong days, and Josh Cribbs had 278 return yards and a touchdown. Guys, you can go join Rogers and Jackson.
Television shows on NBC normally suck (HELLO HEROES), but I'm really getting into Chuck. It's the classic, Hitchcockian accidental hero transplanted into southern California, with Zachary Levi mixing Clark Kent and Jim Halpert into his portrayal of Chuck. Wily vet Adam Baldwin gives ample support as NSA Agent John Casey, and then there's Yvonne Strahovski. Mmmmmm Yvonne Strahovski.
UNDER 50 YARDS RUSHING FOR JAMAL LEWIS. GREAT JOB ESTABLISHING THAT FUCKING RUNNING GAME, CHUD!!
VOTES FROM ROMEO AND CHUD ARE PROBABLY GOING TO MCCAIN AND PALIN THIS TUESDAY, CUZ ALL WE'VE SEEN IS CONSERVATIVE SHIT THIS SEASON!!
WEEK 10 IS A SHORT WEEK CUZ WE'VE GOT THE BRONCOS COMING IN THURSDAY. IF WE LOSE TO THE DENVER DRIVEFUMBLES AT HOME, CUYAHOGA COUNTY WILL EXPLODE.
XYLOPHONES SHOULD BE PROVIDED TO THE FANS SO THEY CAN HAVE MUSICAL ACCOMPANIMENT TO THEIR CHORUS OF BRADY QUINN CHANTS!!
YASSER ARAFAT'S FEELINGS TOWARD ISRAEL THINK THAT BROWNS FANS ARE ANGRY AS HELL!!
ZEROES SHOULD BE OUR NEW MASCOT UNTIL WE SHED THIS TERRIBLE INCONSISTENCY.
Pray the good Browns don't show up this week, you putrid ponies.
BRAYLON EDWARDS, IF YOU DROP ONE MORE PASS I WILL FLY TO CLEVELAND AND NINJA-KICK YOU RIGHT IN YOUR FUCKING NUTS!
CAN WE PLEASE THROW DEEP MORE THAN SIX TIMES AGAINST A TEAM WITHOUT THREE OF ITS FOUR STARTERS IN THE SECONDARY?? HOW BOUT IT, ROB CHUDZINSKI????
DEREK ANDERSON GETS BOOED BECAUSE HE'S WILDLY INCONSISTENT AND RESPONDS TO ADVERSITY LIKE A PUSSY AND COULDN'T COMPLETE A PASS TO LEBRON JAMES IF HE WERE MATCHED UP AGAINST VERNE FUCKING TROYER!
EVERY TIME BRANDON MCDONALD GOT BURNED LIKE EVANGELINE LILLY'S HOUSE I WANTED TO FIRE MY FIST THROUGH MY VIZIO -- which I would never do, cuz it's the sweetest TV ever -- BUT EVEN DARRELL GREEN AND DEION SANDERS' LOVE CHILD WOULD STRUGGLE IF HE WAS INEXPLICABLY PUT ON AN ISLAND EVERY SINGLE PLAY!!!!
THE BROWNS ARE MORE LOST THAN YOU AREFLACCO IS A FUCKING ROOKIE!! GET SOME PRESSURE ON HIM ALREADY!!!!
Go grab a beer or something, Shaun Rogers and D'Qwell Jackson. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
HOW THE HELL DID THAT TERRELL SUGGS INTERCEPTION RETURN HAPPEN? HOW DO YOU THROW THAT FUCKING BALL IN THAT FUCKING SITUATION?? EITHER THROW IT AWAY OR THROW IT TO SOMEONE'S FEET!!!! HOW LONG HAVE YOU PLAYED FOOTBALL, DA??????????
I'M GOING TO COOL DOWN LATER TONIGHT, AND THEN I'M GOING TO REMEMBER HOW WE ALLOWED 24 UNANSWERED POINTS AT HOME AFTER SEIZING CONTROL IN THE THIRD QUARTER AND START GOING FUCKING BALLISTIC AGAIN!!!!
JUST ONCE I WOULD LIKE ROMEO CRENNEL TO PLAY TO WIN!! JUST ONCE!!!!
KAMERION WIMBLEY SHOULD BE OUT AS SOON AS FUCKING POSSIBLE BECAUSE HE COULDN'T TACKLE A STATUE!!
LISTENING TO RICH GANNON ANALYZE A FOOTBALL GAME MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT SEPPUKU IN MY FUCKING EARS!!
MOTHERFUCKERS LIKE THE BIGOTS WHO ARE GOING TO VOTE FOR PROP 8 IN CALIFORNIA MAKE ME LOSE ALL FAITH IN HUMANITY!! WHY SHOULDN'T GAY PEOPLE BE ALLOWED TO GET MARRIED?? I HOPE YOU ALL BURN IN FUCKING HELL!!!!
NOW IT'S ALL UP TO PENN STATE, CUZ IT SURE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE THE BROWNS ARE GOING TO BE PLAYING PAST CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR!
OH, AND SPEAKING OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL, TIM TEBOW'S "GOOD FRIEND" IS FUCKING SMOKING!!!!
PERHAPS SEAN JONES GOT JUKED BY RAY RICE ON THAT 60-YARD RUN BECAUSE HE WAS PRACTICING FOR DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION!! HOW DO I FUCKING KNOW????
QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN QUINN
ROMEO, ROMEO, WHEREFORE ART THOU ROMEO? HOPEFULLY UPDATING YOUR FUCKING RESUME IN ABOUT EIGHT WEEKS!!!!
Special teams is really kicking ass right now. Phil Dawson and Dave Zastudil had strong days, and Josh Cribbs had 278 return yards and a touchdown. Guys, you can go join Rogers and Jackson.
Television shows on NBC normally suck (HELLO HEROES), but I'm really getting into Chuck. It's the classic, Hitchcockian accidental hero transplanted into southern California, with Zachary Levi mixing Clark Kent and Jim Halpert into his portrayal of Chuck. Wily vet Adam Baldwin gives ample support as NSA Agent John Casey, and then there's Yvonne Strahovski. Mmmmmm Yvonne Strahovski.
VOTES FROM ROMEO AND CHUD ARE PROBABLY GOING TO MCCAIN AND PALIN THIS TUESDAY, CUZ ALL WE'VE SEEN IS CONSERVATIVE SHIT THIS SEASON!!
WEEK 10 IS A SHORT WEEK CUZ WE'VE GOT THE BRONCOS COMING IN THURSDAY. IF WE LOSE TO THE DENVER DRIVEFUMBLES AT HOME, CUYAHOGA COUNTY WILL EXPLODE.
XYLOPHONES SHOULD BE PROVIDED TO THE FANS SO THEY CAN HAVE MUSICAL ACCOMPANIMENT TO THEIR CHORUS OF BRADY QUINN CHANTS!!
YASSER ARAFAT'S FEELINGS TOWARD ISRAEL THINK THAT BROWNS FANS ARE ANGRY AS HELL!!
ZEROES SHOULD BE OUR NEW MASCOT UNTIL WE SHED THIS TERRIBLE INCONSISTENCY.
Pray the good Browns don't show up this week, you putrid ponies.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
The ABCs: Week 8
I can't even begin to explain the Browns anymore. So here's Eminem, spitting part of his verse from D12's "Blow My Buzz" to try to explain them for me. Take it away, Slim.
SCHI-ZO-PHRENIA! How many of ya got it
How many motherfuckers can say they psy-chotic
How many motherfuckers can say
Their brains dry-rotted from pot
You got it like I got it or not
Thanks, Slim. I'll take it from here.
All things considered, this was a great win. Coupled with Penn State's victory last night and the Steelers' loss, this is the best football weekend I've had since....two weeks ago, when Penn State whomped Wisconsin and the Browns whomped the Giants.
Better see more first halves like that down the stretch. Derek Anderson was on target, the playbook was opened up, and Jacksonville didn't know how to react. $25 says we don't see it again next weekend.
"Can You Stand the Rain" by New Edition has been in my head all weekend. I chopped and screwed the words into an Ohio State diss Saturday night, and I'm applying the song's message of getting through rough times to rooting for the Browns. I know, I'm a wuss.
Defense clutched up again. Shaun Rogers had nine solo tackles, one blocked field goal, one sack and two acts of cannibalism. Bet those Jags linemen could've used more A1.
Every time I look at our box scores, I never see Jamal Lewis over 100 yards rushing, which is surprising. He averaged four yards a carry today, and he's an absolute workhorse who was critical in grinding out this win.
Fourth-quarter fumble recoveries don't hurt, either, and Josh Cribbs' play proved he's the best special teams player in the NFL.
He's coming to town with a few days to kill
Gotta give it up to the special teams as a whole. Other than the blocked field goal and fumble recovery, Phil Dawson nailed all three of his field goals, Dave Zastudil averaged 41.4 yards per punt and Cribbs averaged 26 yards per kick return. That'll win you a lot of games.
Half-assed "scoring" drives won't, however. We couldn't punch it in from the Jacksonville 2 in the fourth quarter, and we ended up kicking a field goal on the next drive, too, when we couldn't do more with the fumble recovery. If I want three points, I'll wait for Boobie and the Cavs this Tuesday, thank you very much.
I promise an ultra-huge Cavs preview tomorrow. RISE UP.
Just like last week, Anderson did just enough without throwing a pick to keep his job. As long as we're hanging around in the playoff chase, it's going to become more and more inappropriate to bench Anderson. Even I admit that.
Kellen Winslow missed his second game of the season today, and we improved to 2-0 without him. If you read anything into that, you're dumber than dirt.
Laughable job by the secondary in covering Matt Jones. Great job otherwise, but Jones must have partied with them Saturday night or something.
Is this snortable?
Man it felt good to watch Dennis Northcutt drop passes for someone else.
Not sure how I missed this, but despite having a receiver on our roster named Syndric Steptoe, it was Subprime Mortgage who hurt Braylon Edwards by stepping on his foot during preseason. That's ironic. Steptoe caught a 53-yard pass that set up one of our scores today. That's iconic.
Oh good, big plays have returned to the Browns' offense. I'll eat this up for the five minutes it lasts.
Penalties were non-existent for my football teams this weekend. The Browns committed one this afternoon, and Penn State didn't commit any last night. Kick ass.
Quiet. You might be able to hear a Brit who actually gave a shit about the Chargers-Saints game.
Running the football is a big part of Jacksonville's gameplan, and David Gerrard led the team with 59 yards on the ground, while Maurice Jones-Drew only had 29. Penn State's rush defense was staunch, too. Me likey.
So I guess we were 3-of-12 on third down, which is atrocious. Jacksonville was 11-of-20, which is solid, but you know what's even better? NOT HAVING TO FACE 20 THIRD DOWNS. Ha ha ha ha ha!
Pwned!
The movie is horrible otherwise, but if you ever feel compelled to watch Homer & Eddie, Jim Belushi will absolutely break your heart as a mentally retarded adult who travels across the country to reunite with his parents, who disowned him many years earlier. I can't believe he didn't receive an Oscar nomination that year.
Until Nick Sorensen heroically batted that hail mary out of Jones' hands at the end of the game, I went as insane as Whoopi Goldberg in Homer & Eddie.
Versatility has always been an important part of our offense, and eight different Browns caught passes today. Gotta give Anderson credit for that.
We finished with 63 tackles on defense, and 61 of them were solo. Is that encouraging or terrifying?
Xavier McDaniel's 1991 Sonics Fleer is the first sports card I ever owned.
WHADDUP WICHITAAAAAA
You're right if you think I'm in a good mood after this win. You're also right if you think I won't be happy until we string together two of these games in a row.
Ze objekt uv next veek's game eez to taik revenge on zose douchebags frum Baltimore.
LET'S RAVAGE SOME RATBIRDS!!
SCHI-ZO-PHRENIA! How many of ya got it
How many motherfuckers can say they psy-chotic
How many motherfuckers can say
Their brains dry-rotted from pot
You got it like I got it or not
Thanks, Slim. I'll take it from here.
All things considered, this was a great win. Coupled with Penn State's victory last night and the Steelers' loss, this is the best football weekend I've had since....two weeks ago, when Penn State whomped Wisconsin and the Browns whomped the Giants.
Better see more first halves like that down the stretch. Derek Anderson was on target, the playbook was opened up, and Jacksonville didn't know how to react. $25 says we don't see it again next weekend.
"Can You Stand the Rain" by New Edition has been in my head all weekend. I chopped and screwed the words into an Ohio State diss Saturday night, and I'm applying the song's message of getting through rough times to rooting for the Browns. I know, I'm a wuss.
Defense clutched up again. Shaun Rogers had nine solo tackles, one blocked field goal, one sack and two acts of cannibalism. Bet those Jags linemen could've used more A1.
Every time I look at our box scores, I never see Jamal Lewis over 100 yards rushing, which is surprising. He averaged four yards a carry today, and he's an absolute workhorse who was critical in grinding out this win.
Fourth-quarter fumble recoveries don't hurt, either, and Josh Cribbs' play proved he's the best special teams player in the NFL.
He's coming to town with a few days to killGotta give it up to the special teams as a whole. Other than the blocked field goal and fumble recovery, Phil Dawson nailed all three of his field goals, Dave Zastudil averaged 41.4 yards per punt and Cribbs averaged 26 yards per kick return. That'll win you a lot of games.
Half-assed "scoring" drives won't, however. We couldn't punch it in from the Jacksonville 2 in the fourth quarter, and we ended up kicking a field goal on the next drive, too, when we couldn't do more with the fumble recovery. If I want three points, I'll wait for Boobie and the Cavs this Tuesday, thank you very much.
I promise an ultra-huge Cavs preview tomorrow. RISE UP.
Just like last week, Anderson did just enough without throwing a pick to keep his job. As long as we're hanging around in the playoff chase, it's going to become more and more inappropriate to bench Anderson. Even I admit that.
Kellen Winslow missed his second game of the season today, and we improved to 2-0 without him. If you read anything into that, you're dumber than dirt.
Laughable job by the secondary in covering Matt Jones. Great job otherwise, but Jones must have partied with them Saturday night or something.
Is this snortable?Man it felt good to watch Dennis Northcutt drop passes for someone else.
Not sure how I missed this, but despite having a receiver on our roster named Syndric Steptoe, it was Subprime Mortgage who hurt Braylon Edwards by stepping on his foot during preseason. That's ironic. Steptoe caught a 53-yard pass that set up one of our scores today. That's iconic.
Oh good, big plays have returned to the Browns' offense. I'll eat this up for the five minutes it lasts.
Penalties were non-existent for my football teams this weekend. The Browns committed one this afternoon, and Penn State didn't commit any last night. Kick ass.
Quiet. You might be able to hear a Brit who actually gave a shit about the Chargers-Saints game.
Running the football is a big part of Jacksonville's gameplan, and David Gerrard led the team with 59 yards on the ground, while Maurice Jones-Drew only had 29. Penn State's rush defense was staunch, too. Me likey.
So I guess we were 3-of-12 on third down, which is atrocious. Jacksonville was 11-of-20, which is solid, but you know what's even better? NOT HAVING TO FACE 20 THIRD DOWNS. Ha ha ha ha ha!
Pwned!The movie is horrible otherwise, but if you ever feel compelled to watch Homer & Eddie, Jim Belushi will absolutely break your heart as a mentally retarded adult who travels across the country to reunite with his parents, who disowned him many years earlier. I can't believe he didn't receive an Oscar nomination that year.
Until Nick Sorensen heroically batted that hail mary out of Jones' hands at the end of the game, I went as insane as Whoopi Goldberg in Homer & Eddie.
Versatility has always been an important part of our offense, and eight different Browns caught passes today. Gotta give Anderson credit for that.
We finished with 63 tackles on defense, and 61 of them were solo. Is that encouraging or terrifying?
Xavier McDaniel's 1991 Sonics Fleer is the first sports card I ever owned.
WHADDUP WICHITAAAAAAYou're right if you think I'm in a good mood after this win. You're also right if you think I won't be happy until we string together two of these games in a row.
Ze objekt uv next veek's game eez to taik revenge on zose douchebags frum Baltimore.
LET'S RAVAGE SOME RATBIRDS!!
Sunday, October 19, 2008
The ABCs: Week 7
When Penn State got off to a bad start against Michigan yesterday, I texted this message to a bunch of friends at halftime:
"Hey man, it's been awesome being your friend all these years, but if Penn State loses, I just wanted you to know I'm gonna kill myself tonight, so have a nice life."
Obviously I was joking, and we outscored Meatchicken 32-0 in the second half to earn a 29-point victory and keep our perfect record intact.
Now, 24 hours later, I probably will kill myself thanks to a "quarterback" and "head coach" who are currently sodomizing my pro football team.
Let me spell it out for you.
All the terrible things that are about to be said are directed toward the offense and Romeo Crennel. The defense was on the field a ton, and it clearly wore down, but it still held Washington to just 14 points and even forced a late turnover to give us new life. After opening the season with a bad performance against Dallas, you guys have given up a grand total of 71 points, and 21 of those were on extremely short fields thanks to Derek Anderson's utter incompetency against Baltimore. Drinks are on me, fellas, you more than deserve it.
Boy, it sure would be swell if Anderson could hit the fucking ocean from the fucking beach, or if Romeo Crennel could look like he knows what in God's name he's doing every now and then.
Crennel is clearly going to live or die (probably die) with Anderson, because through the game's first 50 minutes, Anderson was 5-of-21 for 40 yards. 5-of-21 for 40 yards. 5-of-21 for 40 yards.
Derek Anderson could probably go 0-for-100, throw five picks and knife Romeo in the gut next week and still not get pulled.
Everyone's entitled to an awful game every now and then. Nobody's entitled to five out of six.
For the umpteenth time this year, Kellen Winslow was healthy enough to be effective and totally ignored. What a big fucking surprise. It was nice having your around, K2, and I don't blame you for demanding that trade you're about to demand.
God almighty, we botched seven straight goal-to-go plays in the fourth quarter before Anderson accidentally hit an open Josh Cribbs for our only touchdown. Pathetic.
Heap a lot of this on coaching, too, cuz Romeo clearly isn't watching the same games as the rest of us. Who knows, maybe Anderson buys him three tons of twinkies every week.
Is Rob Chudzinski the NFL's most predictable playcaller? Pass on first down, run on second, pass on third, punt on fourth. Hey Chud, if I know what's coming from my living room, THERE'S A GREAT FUCKING CHANCE THE REDSKINS KNOW WHAT'S COMING TOO!
Just forget about Anderson's performance on Monday Night Football. Seven of the last eight games tell us that was grandstand bullshit.
Klumps. Hmm. Maybe Romeo's from that family. He's fat, stupid, and unfunny. Makes sense to me.
Let's not totally excuse Braylon Edwards, either, because he's dropping more balls than male puberty.
Man, Ryan Tucker must mean a lot to our offensive line, because we struggled up front again. When he played last Monday, the Giants couldn't touch us. When he missed Sunday's game, our running game couldn't touch little boys if we were card-carrying NAMBLA pervs.
Never in my life have I seen someone overshoot so many wide open receivers. If Anderson was even 40 percent accurate, it would have been 14-0 good guys at halftime.
Outstanding work by the special-teamers today. Dawson may have missed the game-tying field goal, but he made one earlier, and we forced a missed field goal by the 'Skins right before halftime. Also, Cribbs had 94 return yards, Dave Zastudil had eight punts for an average of 44 yards, and Gerald Lawson had a clutch return of 43 yards late in the game. Lawson got that chance because Cribbs was hung out to dry by a skyscraping throw from Anderson. Go figure.
Pieces are a funny thing for sports teams. The Cavaliers have the leadership to win a championship, but we've only recently gathered the pieces. The Browns have the pieces to win a championship, but we don't have the leadership. Maybe LeBron plays quarterback?
Quite the celebration Santana Moss put on after scoring the game-winning touchdown. He mocked Bray's rock-and-roll celebration from the Bengals game, pissing off a lot of Browns fans in the process. Was it classless? Hell no. If you succeed, you have the right to do whatever the fuck you want. Deal with it.
Probably a Blur fan, though
Really encouraging moment early in the fourth quarter when Anderson started jawing with Lawrence Vickers. On the field. Before a critical third-and-long. Inside our own 10-yard line. I mean, indocile anger works out great in the NFL. Look at Ryan Leaf.
Stop with the Punk'd-style hidden camera commercials already. Carl's Jr. and Pizza Hut, I'm talking to you.
Throwing interceptions was the only thing Anderson didn't do wrong. So the crappy quarterback keeps his job because somehow he didn't throw a pick against one of the league's top secondaries. Only the Browns. Nay, only Cleveland.
Unfortunately, Anderson only found Donte Stallworth twice today. Let's do some math. Even if Stallworth collects the $10 million minimum of his contract, he's currently costing us $500,000 for every four receptions, a figure on par with the current economic climate. Therefore, Stallworth's new nickname is "Subprime Mortgage."
Very smart decision to go for the two-point conversion after our touchdown, because it brought us within a field goal. Crennel was still coaching the team at that point, right?
Washington was really hung over from the Rams game. You could tell with the lackadaisical play. It was really surprising, and thus, really frustrating when we couldn't make them pay.
Xanadu did Kubla Kahn/And Browns fans wanted DA gone. Take that, Samuel Taylor Coleridge.
You know what? That's the best job I've done with 'X' this year. BOO-YAH!
Zealot. That's what I am for the Browns. If I wasn't, I couldn't put up with this shit.
We're coming for you. You bastards. Or something.
"Hey man, it's been awesome being your friend all these years, but if Penn State loses, I just wanted you to know I'm gonna kill myself tonight, so have a nice life."
Obviously I was joking, and we outscored Meatchicken 32-0 in the second half to earn a 29-point victory and keep our perfect record intact.
Now, 24 hours later, I probably will kill myself thanks to a "quarterback" and "head coach" who are currently sodomizing my pro football team.
Let me spell it out for you.
All the terrible things that are about to be said are directed toward the offense and Romeo Crennel. The defense was on the field a ton, and it clearly wore down, but it still held Washington to just 14 points and even forced a late turnover to give us new life. After opening the season with a bad performance against Dallas, you guys have given up a grand total of 71 points, and 21 of those were on extremely short fields thanks to Derek Anderson's utter incompetency against Baltimore. Drinks are on me, fellas, you more than deserve it.
Boy, it sure would be swell if Anderson could hit the fucking ocean from the fucking beach, or if Romeo Crennel could look like he knows what in God's name he's doing every now and then.
Crennel is clearly going to live or die (probably die) with Anderson, because through the game's first 50 minutes, Anderson was 5-of-21 for 40 yards. 5-of-21 for 40 yards. 5-of-21 for 40 yards.
Derek Anderson could probably go 0-for-100, throw five picks and knife Romeo in the gut next week and still not get pulled.
Everyone's entitled to an awful game every now and then. Nobody's entitled to five out of six.
For the umpteenth time this year, Kellen Winslow was healthy enough to be effective and totally ignored. What a big fucking surprise. It was nice having your around, K2, and I don't blame you for demanding that trade you're about to demand.
God almighty, we botched seven straight goal-to-go plays in the fourth quarter before Anderson accidentally hit an open Josh Cribbs for our only touchdown. Pathetic.
Heap a lot of this on coaching, too, cuz Romeo clearly isn't watching the same games as the rest of us. Who knows, maybe Anderson buys him three tons of twinkies every week.
Is Rob Chudzinski the NFL's most predictable playcaller? Pass on first down, run on second, pass on third, punt on fourth. Hey Chud, if I know what's coming from my living room, THERE'S A GREAT FUCKING CHANCE THE REDSKINS KNOW WHAT'S COMING TOO!
Just forget about Anderson's performance on Monday Night Football. Seven of the last eight games tell us that was grandstand bullshit.
Klumps. Hmm. Maybe Romeo's from that family. He's fat, stupid, and unfunny. Makes sense to me.
Let's not totally excuse Braylon Edwards, either, because he's dropping more balls than male puberty.
Man, Ryan Tucker must mean a lot to our offensive line, because we struggled up front again. When he played last Monday, the Giants couldn't touch us. When he missed Sunday's game, our running game couldn't touch little boys if we were card-carrying NAMBLA pervs.
Never in my life have I seen someone overshoot so many wide open receivers. If Anderson was even 40 percent accurate, it would have been 14-0 good guys at halftime.
Outstanding work by the special-teamers today. Dawson may have missed the game-tying field goal, but he made one earlier, and we forced a missed field goal by the 'Skins right before halftime. Also, Cribbs had 94 return yards, Dave Zastudil had eight punts for an average of 44 yards, and Gerald Lawson had a clutch return of 43 yards late in the game. Lawson got that chance because Cribbs was hung out to dry by a skyscraping throw from Anderson. Go figure.
Pieces are a funny thing for sports teams. The Cavaliers have the leadership to win a championship, but we've only recently gathered the pieces. The Browns have the pieces to win a championship, but we don't have the leadership. Maybe LeBron plays quarterback?
Quite the celebration Santana Moss put on after scoring the game-winning touchdown. He mocked Bray's rock-and-roll celebration from the Bengals game, pissing off a lot of Browns fans in the process. Was it classless? Hell no. If you succeed, you have the right to do whatever the fuck you want. Deal with it.
Probably a Blur fan, thoughReally encouraging moment early in the fourth quarter when Anderson started jawing with Lawrence Vickers. On the field. Before a critical third-and-long. Inside our own 10-yard line. I mean, indocile anger works out great in the NFL. Look at Ryan Leaf.
Stop with the Punk'd-style hidden camera commercials already. Carl's Jr. and Pizza Hut, I'm talking to you.
Throwing interceptions was the only thing Anderson didn't do wrong. So the crappy quarterback keeps his job because somehow he didn't throw a pick against one of the league's top secondaries. Only the Browns. Nay, only Cleveland.
Unfortunately, Anderson only found Donte Stallworth twice today. Let's do some math. Even if Stallworth collects the $10 million minimum of his contract, he's currently costing us $500,000 for every four receptions, a figure on par with the current economic climate. Therefore, Stallworth's new nickname is "Subprime Mortgage."
Very smart decision to go for the two-point conversion after our touchdown, because it brought us within a field goal. Crennel was still coaching the team at that point, right?
Washington was really hung over from the Rams game. You could tell with the lackadaisical play. It was really surprising, and thus, really frustrating when we couldn't make them pay.
Xanadu did Kubla Kahn/And Browns fans wanted DA gone. Take that, Samuel Taylor Coleridge.
You know what? That's the best job I've done with 'X' this year. BOO-YAH!
Zealot. That's what I am for the Browns. If I wasn't, I couldn't put up with this shit.
We're coming for you. You bastards. Or something.
Monday, October 13, 2008
The ABCs: Week 6
If you're thrilled with how the Cleveland Browns played Monday night...
...gimme a HELL YEAH!
HELL YEAH
Let me spell this sumbitch out for you.
As much as I've called for Derek Anderson's head, he deserves a TON of credit for this win. We'll table the Brady Quinn discussion for the time being, because DA was as sharp as he's been in a Browns uniform. He was accurate on the shorter stuff, and his deep balls were money as usual. Keep it up, kid!
Braylon Edwards finally decided to show up, too. Between the touchdown catches, the precise routes, the ankle-snapping jukes and the temper-snapping drops, it was 2007 all over again, which is hella fine with me.
HOW'S IT TASTE MOTHERF*****
Credit the fans for turning Cleveland Browns Stadium into a nightmare for the road-savvy Giants. It reminded me a lot of the Penn State-Ohio State game in Happy Valley in 2005, when another team with a proud tradition was finally back in the national spotlight, and the fans unleashed years of pent-up energy at the game. GO BROWNS!
Donte Stallworth may have biffed on that diving attempt in the corner of the end zone, but his presence clearly helped Edwards free up on the other side. If he doesn't catch more balls, though, he'll stop getting so much attention.
Eric Wright's 94-yard interception return was as pumped as I've been for a single play since Josh Cribbs tightroped the Steelers in Pittsburgh last November. Oh by the way, even Eli Manning didn't throw at Eazy-E. Lockdown?
For Christ's sake, they're going to have to start inventing new penalties just so we can commit them.
Giants running backs were gashing us up the middle in the fourth quarter whenever we blitzed the safety. So naturally, we kept blitzing.
Heck of a job by Mel Tucker, though. We need to stop giving up big plays, but all those zany blitzes and formations make it really hard to gauge what we're doing. And this is all happening without Sean Jones on the field.
It's the sixth week of the season, and I still have no idea why Willie McGinest is getting Alex Hall's playing time.
Heeey, what happened to that nice old man wearing No. 55?
Just remember, we did all this without Jones, Kellen Winslow, Joe Jurevicius and Kevin Shaffer in the lineup. Call the injuries an excuse if you want. I call it a legitimate reason we haven't been our real selves this year.
K2 missing games is never a good thing, but Steve Heiden and Darnell Dinkins more than filled the void at tight end. When Martin Rucker gets healthy and gets some experience, we're going to be the deepest team in the league at that position by far.
Let's forget how revolting our offense looked during the first four games. We scored a total of 46 points over that stretch, and we scored 35 tonight.
My main Mormon Steve Young was the only member of Monday Countdown who picked us to win -- and Young made that pick despite having the best record of the eight analysts. He was also the quarterback of the 49ers during our last win on Monday Night Football. Good lookin' out, bro.
Nike scored again with its new Leave Nothing commercial, the one with LT and Pigtails Polamalu and the instrumental from Jay-Z's "Blueprint2." Hot shit.
Offensive line play is much better when most of your guys are healthy. Amazing how that works. Also amazing how weak the Giants' pass rush looked tonight.
Where are those damn Browns when you need 'em
Picking off the reigning Super Bowl MVP three times is going to do wonders for the secondary. While the defense has definitely improved, we still need to be opportunistic.
Quips about the Browns being "obscene" always find their way into broadcasts. Even tonight. Gotta love it.
Rob Chudzinski reached deep into his bag of tricks tonight and came out with some dandy plays. That double-reverse and the wildcat packages with Cribbs at quarterback were particularly appealing. Jaws asked "Where has this been all year?" during the broadcast. AMEN!
Shaun Rogers is looking less like a defensive tackle and more like Godzilla stomping Tokyo.
There goes that 11-game road winning streak, which was impressive....for me to poop on.
Usually, the Browns disappoint when the spotlight's on them. Not this time. I seriously doubt we're three touchdowns better than the Giants, but we were tonight, and then some. Payback's a bitch.
Visually, this was great exposure for the city of Cleveland. The Gateway area looked gorgeous at night, and between Cleveland Browns Stadium, the Jake and the Q, we have one of the nicest collections of venues in the country.
Washington looms on the road next weekend, so no rest for the weary. This was a big win, but our schedule is still loaded. If this team shows up the rest of the season, however, we'll be in every game.
X-factor on defense could be D'Qwell Jackson. He stood up Brandon Jacobs on a number of occasions tonight, and he's been our best linebacker.
You bet your ass this is my favorite win since beating the Steelers 33-13 at Heinz Field five years ago.
Zenith of the season is still to come, I can feel it. The new Browns are back.
Let's go scalp some 'Skins!
...gimme a HELL YEAH!
HELL YEAH
Let me spell this sumbitch out for you.
As much as I've called for Derek Anderson's head, he deserves a TON of credit for this win. We'll table the Brady Quinn discussion for the time being, because DA was as sharp as he's been in a Browns uniform. He was accurate on the shorter stuff, and his deep balls were money as usual. Keep it up, kid!
Braylon Edwards finally decided to show up, too. Between the touchdown catches, the precise routes, the ankle-snapping jukes and the temper-snapping drops, it was 2007 all over again, which is hella fine with me.
HOW'S IT TASTE MOTHERF*****Credit the fans for turning Cleveland Browns Stadium into a nightmare for the road-savvy Giants. It reminded me a lot of the Penn State-Ohio State game in Happy Valley in 2005, when another team with a proud tradition was finally back in the national spotlight, and the fans unleashed years of pent-up energy at the game. GO BROWNS!
Donte Stallworth may have biffed on that diving attempt in the corner of the end zone, but his presence clearly helped Edwards free up on the other side. If he doesn't catch more balls, though, he'll stop getting so much attention.
Eric Wright's 94-yard interception return was as pumped as I've been for a single play since Josh Cribbs tightroped the Steelers in Pittsburgh last November. Oh by the way, even Eli Manning didn't throw at Eazy-E. Lockdown?
For Christ's sake, they're going to have to start inventing new penalties just so we can commit them.
Giants running backs were gashing us up the middle in the fourth quarter whenever we blitzed the safety. So naturally, we kept blitzing.
Heck of a job by Mel Tucker, though. We need to stop giving up big plays, but all those zany blitzes and formations make it really hard to gauge what we're doing. And this is all happening without Sean Jones on the field.
It's the sixth week of the season, and I still have no idea why Willie McGinest is getting Alex Hall's playing time.
Heeey, what happened to that nice old man wearing No. 55?Just remember, we did all this without Jones, Kellen Winslow, Joe Jurevicius and Kevin Shaffer in the lineup. Call the injuries an excuse if you want. I call it a legitimate reason we haven't been our real selves this year.
K2 missing games is never a good thing, but Steve Heiden and Darnell Dinkins more than filled the void at tight end. When Martin Rucker gets healthy and gets some experience, we're going to be the deepest team in the league at that position by far.
Let's forget how revolting our offense looked during the first four games. We scored a total of 46 points over that stretch, and we scored 35 tonight.
My main Mormon Steve Young was the only member of Monday Countdown who picked us to win -- and Young made that pick despite having the best record of the eight analysts. He was also the quarterback of the 49ers during our last win on Monday Night Football. Good lookin' out, bro.
Nike scored again with its new Leave Nothing commercial, the one with LT and Pigtails Polamalu and the instrumental from Jay-Z's "Blueprint2." Hot shit.
Offensive line play is much better when most of your guys are healthy. Amazing how that works. Also amazing how weak the Giants' pass rush looked tonight.
Where are those damn Browns when you need 'emPicking off the reigning Super Bowl MVP three times is going to do wonders for the secondary. While the defense has definitely improved, we still need to be opportunistic.
Quips about the Browns being "obscene" always find their way into broadcasts. Even tonight. Gotta love it.
Rob Chudzinski reached deep into his bag of tricks tonight and came out with some dandy plays. That double-reverse and the wildcat packages with Cribbs at quarterback were particularly appealing. Jaws asked "Where has this been all year?" during the broadcast. AMEN!
Shaun Rogers is looking less like a defensive tackle and more like Godzilla stomping Tokyo.
There goes that 11-game road winning streak, which was impressive....for me to poop on.
Usually, the Browns disappoint when the spotlight's on them. Not this time. I seriously doubt we're three touchdowns better than the Giants, but we were tonight, and then some. Payback's a bitch.
Visually, this was great exposure for the city of Cleveland. The Gateway area looked gorgeous at night, and between Cleveland Browns Stadium, the Jake and the Q, we have one of the nicest collections of venues in the country.
Washington looms on the road next weekend, so no rest for the weary. This was a big win, but our schedule is still loaded. If this team shows up the rest of the season, however, we'll be in every game.
X-factor on defense could be D'Qwell Jackson. He stood up Brandon Jacobs on a number of occasions tonight, and he's been our best linebacker.
You bet your ass this is my favorite win since beating the Steelers 33-13 at Heinz Field five years ago.
Zenith of the season is still to come, I can feel it. The new Browns are back.
Let's go scalp some 'Skins!
Sunday, September 28, 2008
The ABCs: Week 4
I haven't posted in a week, and while it's partly because there hasn't been much to write about, it's also because the Browns are sucking the life out of me.
This season has been brutal so far. The Cowboys game was a laugher, the Steelers game was a depressor, and the Ravens game was a plain old pisser-offer. Couple that with the enormous expectations that circled the team, and things haven't been much fun.
I feel so relieved to get our first win that I don't care the Bengals didn't have Carson Palmer and couldn't win the Big Ten with their roster. There are no asterisks in this life, only scoreboards, and ours is currently reading "in the win column."
For the fourth time this year, let me spell it out for you.
At the 13:06 mark of the third quarter, the Browns were down 6-3 and Bengals safety Chinedum Ndukwe picked off Derek Anderson on the Cincinnati 12-yard line. Ndukwe was a high school and college teammate of someone on the Browns roster, and DA's latest interception probably should have signaled that player's entry.
But Romeo Crennel sent DA back out for the remainder of the game, and to his credit, he led us on an impressive touchdown drive that ate 6:38 and gave us the lead for good.
Cleveland and Cincinnati combined to play one of the worst all-around NFL games in recent memory. Pissing on Paul Brown's grave would've been more to the point.
Derek Anderson was 15-of-24 for a measly 138 yards, one touchdown and one interception, with another pick taken away because of a Bengals penalty. Apparently, Romeo's "short leash" is six miles long.
Eric Wright picked off Ryan Fitzpatrick (who?) late in the second quarter...and fumbled it away trying to score. Speechless.
Folks should take notice of what transpired on the sideline in the third quarter. Braylon Edwards heatedly confronted Anderson about his struggles, and Jamal Lewis came over to break them up before things escalated. It's honestly reassuring that the Browns still have that kind of fire and leadership off the field. Now we need to get more of it on the field.
Good job by the defense today. To steal a quote from Kirk Herbstreit, the Bengals would have a difficult time executing against air, but the Browns still forced five turnovers and took care of business.
How many times does DA have to screw up before Crennel benches him? He made so many mistakes I lost count. It's more than the picks. It's the underthrows. It's the lack of composure. It's botching the simplest plays against an awful defense. Hey, I have an idea.
Iron Man hits DVD on Tuesday. Book it.
Judging by their play today, the linebackers are rounding into form. Kamerion Wimbley and Alex Hall made some big plays. Keep it up, fellas.
Kudos to the stable of running backs for bringing their work pails. Lewis, Jerome Harrison and Jason Wright combined for 117 yards that helped us grind clock.
Let's get something straight: Shaun Rogers is here to play. He's shown no signs of the laziness that clouded his time in Detroit. Cincinnati is the fourth team out of four this season that couldn't block him without committing two and sometimes three players. He's our best defensive player.
Mike Adams played well for the second straight week after blowing ass the first two. Brodney Pool and Sean Jones aren't going to lose their starting jobs any time soon, but Adams is improving while they're banged up.
Nobody should worry about being the most undisciplined team in the league as long as Marvin Lewis coaches the Bengals.
Only the Browns could allow Fitzpatrick and the Bungles to march down the field like they did after our second touchdown. Only the Browns.
Perhaps that second half will spark the Browns' offense heading into the bye week. Or maybe it will take something else, although I can't put my finger on it.
Quacks like Rich Gannon need to stop getting jobs as TV analysts. On second thought, he states the obvious, shies away from controversy, and is totally boring. So he's just like everyone else who works for CBS.
Really questionable playcalling from Rob Chudzinski again. It's an awkward mix of the conservative, the risk-taking and the totally inexplicable. I know he's without Joe Jurevicius, Donte Stallworth and a healthy offensive line, but those components haven't been around all season, so it's time to start producing.
Speaking of Stallworth, he sat out another game with a strained quadricep he injured during week one warm-ups. I know his whole game is speed, but for Christ's sake, man up and play already!
The Giants come to town on Monday Night Football after the bye. I can see us drawing inspiration from the preseason beatdown and playing inspired ball. Of course, I can also see us getting wiped off the planet.
Unlike the rest of Cleveland, I'm going to divert about 50 percent of my attention to basketball as the Cavs open camp Monday. I'm really excited about this season. Then again, I was really excited about the Browns' season.
Venereal diseases are what the 2008 Browns and Bengals have been to the AFC North.
Way to go, Tribe. Cleveland battled back to end the season at .500 after a really shitty first half. More on that later this week.
Xenomorphs like the parasitoids from Alien would make mean football players. That's the best I can come up with for X this week. And I think it's pretty sweet.
Yes, the Bengals are bad, especially without Carson Palmer. But a win's a win, especially on the road and in the division.
Zap! And just like that, the Browns aren't quite dead. Every game is a must-win, and deep down we still have playoff aspirations, so why not start with the defending champs?
Time for some payback.
This season has been brutal so far. The Cowboys game was a laugher, the Steelers game was a depressor, and the Ravens game was a plain old pisser-offer. Couple that with the enormous expectations that circled the team, and things haven't been much fun.
I feel so relieved to get our first win that I don't care the Bengals didn't have Carson Palmer and couldn't win the Big Ten with their roster. There are no asterisks in this life, only scoreboards, and ours is currently reading "in the win column."
For the fourth time this year, let me spell it out for you.
At the 13:06 mark of the third quarter, the Browns were down 6-3 and Bengals safety Chinedum Ndukwe picked off Derek Anderson on the Cincinnati 12-yard line. Ndukwe was a high school and college teammate of someone on the Browns roster, and DA's latest interception probably should have signaled that player's entry.
But Romeo Crennel sent DA back out for the remainder of the game, and to his credit, he led us on an impressive touchdown drive that ate 6:38 and gave us the lead for good.
Cleveland and Cincinnati combined to play one of the worst all-around NFL games in recent memory. Pissing on Paul Brown's grave would've been more to the point.
Derek Anderson was 15-of-24 for a measly 138 yards, one touchdown and one interception, with another pick taken away because of a Bengals penalty. Apparently, Romeo's "short leash" is six miles long.
Eric Wright picked off Ryan Fitzpatrick (who?) late in the second quarter...and fumbled it away trying to score. Speechless.
Folks should take notice of what transpired on the sideline in the third quarter. Braylon Edwards heatedly confronted Anderson about his struggles, and Jamal Lewis came over to break them up before things escalated. It's honestly reassuring that the Browns still have that kind of fire and leadership off the field. Now we need to get more of it on the field.
Good job by the defense today. To steal a quote from Kirk Herbstreit, the Bengals would have a difficult time executing against air, but the Browns still forced five turnovers and took care of business.
How many times does DA have to screw up before Crennel benches him? He made so many mistakes I lost count. It's more than the picks. It's the underthrows. It's the lack of composure. It's botching the simplest plays against an awful defense. Hey, I have an idea.
Iron Man hits DVD on Tuesday. Book it.
Judging by their play today, the linebackers are rounding into form. Kamerion Wimbley and Alex Hall made some big plays. Keep it up, fellas.
Kudos to the stable of running backs for bringing their work pails. Lewis, Jerome Harrison and Jason Wright combined for 117 yards that helped us grind clock.
Let's get something straight: Shaun Rogers is here to play. He's shown no signs of the laziness that clouded his time in Detroit. Cincinnati is the fourth team out of four this season that couldn't block him without committing two and sometimes three players. He's our best defensive player.
Mike Adams played well for the second straight week after blowing ass the first two. Brodney Pool and Sean Jones aren't going to lose their starting jobs any time soon, but Adams is improving while they're banged up.
Nobody should worry about being the most undisciplined team in the league as long as Marvin Lewis coaches the Bengals.
Only the Browns could allow Fitzpatrick and the Bungles to march down the field like they did after our second touchdown. Only the Browns.
Perhaps that second half will spark the Browns' offense heading into the bye week. Or maybe it will take something else, although I can't put my finger on it.
Quacks like Rich Gannon need to stop getting jobs as TV analysts. On second thought, he states the obvious, shies away from controversy, and is totally boring. So he's just like everyone else who works for CBS.
Really questionable playcalling from Rob Chudzinski again. It's an awkward mix of the conservative, the risk-taking and the totally inexplicable. I know he's without Joe Jurevicius, Donte Stallworth and a healthy offensive line, but those components haven't been around all season, so it's time to start producing.
Speaking of Stallworth, he sat out another game with a strained quadricep he injured during week one warm-ups. I know his whole game is speed, but for Christ's sake, man up and play already!
The Giants come to town on Monday Night Football after the bye. I can see us drawing inspiration from the preseason beatdown and playing inspired ball. Of course, I can also see us getting wiped off the planet.
Unlike the rest of Cleveland, I'm going to divert about 50 percent of my attention to basketball as the Cavs open camp Monday. I'm really excited about this season. Then again, I was really excited about the Browns' season.
Venereal diseases are what the 2008 Browns and Bengals have been to the AFC North.
Way to go, Tribe. Cleveland battled back to end the season at .500 after a really shitty first half. More on that later this week.
Xenomorphs like the parasitoids from Alien would make mean football players. That's the best I can come up with for X this week. And I think it's pretty sweet.
Yes, the Bengals are bad, especially without Carson Palmer. But a win's a win, especially on the road and in the division.
Zap! And just like that, the Browns aren't quite dead. Every game is a must-win, and deep down we still have playoff aspirations, so why not start with the defending champs?
Time for some payback.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
The ABCs: Week 3
In every pro sports league, success is driven by something definitive. Success in the NBA is driven by its stars. Success in MLB is driven by spending. Success in the NFL is driven by coaching and quarterback play.
I defy you to name one Super Bowl champion that didn't have great coaching and/or quarterbacking. You can't. It's never happened. And guess what the Cleveland Browns don't have?
Answer that for yourself. Meanwhile, I'm going to try to find some answers of my own. For the third straight week, let me spell it out for you.
All things considered, the third quarter was as bad a quarter as I've ever seen the Browns play. Think about the severity of that distinction for a second.
Bad game (again) for Derek Anderson. He was 14-of-37 for 125 yards and one touchdown with three interceptions. That's a 22.9 quarterback rating. Whoo buddy I am not done discussing DA.
CUNT, SHIT, FUCK, PISS, COCKSUCKER, MOTHERFUCKER, TITS. Those are George Carlin's seven dirty words you can't say on television. Well guess the fuck what? This isn't TV, it's a blog.
"Browns" is my eighth dirty wordDrops are murdering Cleveland and hiding the body right now. As bad as Anderson has been, the banged-up receiving corps isn't giving him much help.
Every Browns fan was thinking the same thing after Anderson threw that testicle-shitting pick six to Ed Reed in the third quarter: it's time for Brady Quinn. Count me in, fellas!
Forget anything positive that happened last weekend. It was all negated Sunday against an inferior football team.
Glad to see that Ravens safety Dawan Landry is OK. He was carted off on a stretcher at the end of the first half, but reports from the hospital have been positive.
Haloti Ngata didn't cheap-shot Joe Thomas this time around. He didn't have to. The Browns were busy cheap-shotting themselves.
I'm no longer ashamed of admitting my excitement for the Cavs last week. As a matter of fact, I can't wait for the Cavaliers to open camp because LeBron James would never let any team he's on get punked like the Browns today.
Just as I said in week one, I'm not sure if Romeo Crennel is a good coach. The Browns have had to deal with injuries and big expectations this season, and it's up to the coach to navigate the team through the distractions and keep it successful on the field. Counting preseason, we've lost all seven of our games this year, and played poorly in five of them. CONNECT THE FUCKING DOTS.
Kellen Winslow Jr. had two catches for 14 yards. Not because he wasn't open, but because Crennel never called plays for him and Anderson chose not to throw in his direction. I mean, are we TRYING to get him to demand a trade??
Let the record show that at the 11:54 mark of the second quarter, Mike Adams finally did something that didn't suck. I'll bet he thinks that interception means he can suck balls for the next nine quarters, too.
My God, the Ravens cheerleaders are hot. Anderson wanted to fuck them, but he couldn't, so he decided to fuck the Browns instead.
National television features the Browns four more times this season. Roger Goodell must be stabbing himself.
Tagliabue never had to deal with these clownsOur offense is a fucking joke. There's way too much talent on that side of the ball to be failing like this.
Please tell me this isn't the real Derek Anderson we're seeing. He couldn't hit shit if he took a dump and jumped in the toilet.
d'Qwell Jackson and Alex Hall are ballers. They played like it today. We need to find Hall a starting spot in the linebacking corps.
Ratings for next week's Bengals-Browns game will be among the worst in league history unless the franchises decide to award $10 million to a random viewer. Actually, I hope they do.
Some people will say the Browns' season is over after this loss, which isn't true. What is true, however, is that Crennel must seriously consider benching Anderson. This isn't heat-of-the-moment, overreacting Browns fan talk. This is shitty accuracy, no poise, interception-addicted, the-NFL-has-figured-out-Derek-Anderson talk.
The most effective plays in our playbook might be screens, because we have an athletic offensive line and versatile backs. Jerome Harrison scored our only touchdown on a screen play in the second quarter. Naturally, he didn't play another down the rest of the game.
Unless something kick-starts this team, we're going to finish 5-11. Or worse.
Verify whether or not our 2007 season actually took place. Seriously, someone please do it.
When you think about what I said to open this week's ABCs, you understand why the Browns are rarely a playoff team. Other than Marty Schottenheimer, I can't think of a single coach since Blanton Collier who's brought us consistent success. And other than Bernie Kosar and Brian Sipe, I can't think of a single quarterback who's given us stability.
Xena: Warrior Princess probably scares the rest of the NFL more than the Browns right now.
You know what? I'm going to focus on the Indians climbing above .500 today more than the Browns game. Way to go, Tribe!
Zip it up and zip it out, folks. We're going to Cincinnati next week, where things could get a whole lot better.
Or a whole lot worse.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
The ABCs: Week 2
Anyone who knows me will tell you the Pittsburgh Steelers are the only sports team I truly hate. With the exception of the Steelers and Art Modell, I really don't have anything against any particular team, athlete or executive. I make fun of everyone, sure, but don't confuse hating on with pure hating. That doesn't make me a better fan or anything. It's just the way I am.
Imagine, then, how I feel about losing 10 straight games against Pittsburgh, many in gut-wrenching fashion. It's terrible. I'm actually past the point of getting steam-spewing pissed about it. These days, I just get deflated. Seriously, it's as if someone pokes me with a sharp object and my whole body just sags into itself and slumps to the floor.
For the time being, I've managed to pull myself up to my laptop, so for the second week of the season, let me spell it out for you.
Again. We had a good chance to beat the Steelers. Again. We didn't capitalize. Again. And we lost to the Steelers. Again.
Biggest fuckup of the night goes to the secondary, for allowing the 31-yard pass to Hines Ward in the third quarter when we had Pittsburgh pinned on the 2 with its back against the Dawg Pound. You can't ask for much better from the defense overall, but that play really hurt.
Can we please get Mike Adams off the field? Is he really the third-best safety on our roster??
"Coverage"? Coach, you're not my insurance agent
Deep down, I have a horrible feeling the Browns are going to beat the Steelers in Week 17 because the game won't mean anything to either of us. They'll be AFC North champs and we'll be eliminated from the playoffs. Straight up, I would rather lose 20 consecutive significant games to the Steelers than get one bullshit win.
Everyone in the stadium was booing the decision to kick the field goal with 3:24 remaining instead of going for it on fourth-and-7. As tough as it was, I agree 100 percent with Romeo Crennel. Failing to convert on fourth down would have been disastrous, and the Steelers had struggled to run the ball in the second half.
For the second straight game, Shaun Rogers played out of his mind. The Steelers had to double-team him a lot, and even then, holding him was the only way they could stop him consistently, which drew several calls. I really, really like that trade so far.
Good God, Romeo, do you try to waste time in late situations?
The only seconds I like are at the dinner table!
Hines Ward had the dropsies all night, which is extremely uncharacteristic, even considering the wet conditions. He probably won't have a game like that again, so it's just another opportunity we missed tonight. Isn't that just DUCKY.
Interceptions have been Derek Anderson's bogus operandi lately. He's thrown seven in his last four games, including tonight's butt-plugging pick by Troy Polamaluoamoaou on the 2-yard line late in the first half.
Just once, I'd like to beat the Steelers. Is that too fucking much to ask?
Kellen Winslow is exactly the kind of player we need to beat the Steelers. He's extremely talented, he won't back down against any of them, and if he makes a mistake, it only adds more fuel to his considerable fire. If all 53 Browns played the Steelers like Kellen Winslow has the last two games, we'd have beaten them by now.
Let me be the first to declare Willie McGinest finished. He was too slow to catch Ben Toothlessberger on that decisive scramble in Pittsburgh last year, and he got pushed around again tonight. Whatever veteran leadership he provides isn't balancing out his shitty play on the field.
Michael Phelps was in the house tonight, and DJMJ favorite Al Michaels said that he's good friends with Braylon Edwards. Maybe that's why Edwards has been playing like such a pussy this year.
New defensive coordinator Mel Tucker has taken a page from Dick LeBeau's playbook. Did you see all those zany blitzes the Browns launched tonight?
First we'll blitz a safety, than all four linebackers, then members of the coaching staff, then fans from the Dawg Pound, all the way to the Super Bowl!! BYAAAAAAAAAAAAH
Once Josh Cribbs shakes that nagging ankle injury, he'll become dangerous again. Tonight, he just looked average.
Protecting Derek Anderson was a big key tonight, and the offensive line did well. Also, our defensive line got a good amount of pressure on Roethlisberger. I'm anxious to find out more about Corey Williams' injury, though.
Quite honestly, I was thrilled with the defense tonight. Sure, we had a few poor plays, but the Steelers only gained 281 yards, and it was more than the sloppy weather. I still think we need a better cornerback than Brandon McDonald opposite Eric Wright, but once Brodney Pool and Sean Jones finally get on the field together, we're set.
Receiving corps is still an issue, since Donte Stallworth missed another game tonight and Joe Jurevicius is still out. Braylon Edwards looked better, and Syndric Steptoe found a couple of seams, but we'll have to see if that lasts more than one game.
So I'll probably regret admitting this, but after the first half ended so shitty, I started thinking to myself "at least the Cavs open camp in two weeks."
Undefeated against Pittsburgh since entering the NBA
The Browns and Ohio State combined to score nine points in losing big games this weekend. If you root for both teams, your life sucks.
Until now, I thought Eric Wright was our best defensive back. But Brodney Pool has officially changed my mind. Dude is money.
Venture a guess how many penalties were called against the Steelers' secondary tonight. Give up? One, an illegal contact call on Bryant McFadden. Steelers fans will never admit it, but their secondary gets away with more shit than any other team in the league. Don't shove that "good physical play" argument down my throat. Pittsburgh's cover guys play dirty. Period.
When we make it through a game without a single egregious fuckup, I'll strip naked and breakdance through Beverly Hills.
Xerox the play that resulted in Winslow out-jumping Polamalu for a first down. It has good vibes.
You don't give a shit about the Eagles-Cowboys game Monday night? Me neither!
Zero sympathy for the Browns. So we lost our first two games. So we're a bit banged up. So we have two straight road games in the division. Big whoop. Time to toughen up and start the playoff push.
We're coming, you aborted fetus of a franchise.
Imagine, then, how I feel about losing 10 straight games against Pittsburgh, many in gut-wrenching fashion. It's terrible. I'm actually past the point of getting steam-spewing pissed about it. These days, I just get deflated. Seriously, it's as if someone pokes me with a sharp object and my whole body just sags into itself and slumps to the floor.
For the time being, I've managed to pull myself up to my laptop, so for the second week of the season, let me spell it out for you.
Again. We had a good chance to beat the Steelers. Again. We didn't capitalize. Again. And we lost to the Steelers. Again.
Biggest fuckup of the night goes to the secondary, for allowing the 31-yard pass to Hines Ward in the third quarter when we had Pittsburgh pinned on the 2 with its back against the Dawg Pound. You can't ask for much better from the defense overall, but that play really hurt.
Can we please get Mike Adams off the field? Is he really the third-best safety on our roster??
"Coverage"? Coach, you're not my insurance agentDeep down, I have a horrible feeling the Browns are going to beat the Steelers in Week 17 because the game won't mean anything to either of us. They'll be AFC North champs and we'll be eliminated from the playoffs. Straight up, I would rather lose 20 consecutive significant games to the Steelers than get one bullshit win.
Everyone in the stadium was booing the decision to kick the field goal with 3:24 remaining instead of going for it on fourth-and-7. As tough as it was, I agree 100 percent with Romeo Crennel. Failing to convert on fourth down would have been disastrous, and the Steelers had struggled to run the ball in the second half.
For the second straight game, Shaun Rogers played out of his mind. The Steelers had to double-team him a lot, and even then, holding him was the only way they could stop him consistently, which drew several calls. I really, really like that trade so far.
Good God, Romeo, do you try to waste time in late situations?
The only seconds I like are at the dinner table!Hines Ward had the dropsies all night, which is extremely uncharacteristic, even considering the wet conditions. He probably won't have a game like that again, so it's just another opportunity we missed tonight. Isn't that just DUCKY.
Interceptions have been Derek Anderson's bogus operandi lately. He's thrown seven in his last four games, including tonight's butt-plugging pick by Troy Polamaluoamoaou on the 2-yard line late in the first half.
Just once, I'd like to beat the Steelers. Is that too fucking much to ask?
Kellen Winslow is exactly the kind of player we need to beat the Steelers. He's extremely talented, he won't back down against any of them, and if he makes a mistake, it only adds more fuel to his considerable fire. If all 53 Browns played the Steelers like Kellen Winslow has the last two games, we'd have beaten them by now.
Let me be the first to declare Willie McGinest finished. He was too slow to catch Ben Toothlessberger on that decisive scramble in Pittsburgh last year, and he got pushed around again tonight. Whatever veteran leadership he provides isn't balancing out his shitty play on the field.
Michael Phelps was in the house tonight, and DJMJ favorite Al Michaels said that he's good friends with Braylon Edwards. Maybe that's why Edwards has been playing like such a pussy this year.
New defensive coordinator Mel Tucker has taken a page from Dick LeBeau's playbook. Did you see all those zany blitzes the Browns launched tonight?
First we'll blitz a safety, than all four linebackers, then members of the coaching staff, then fans from the Dawg Pound, all the way to the Super Bowl!! BYAAAAAAAAAAAAHOnce Josh Cribbs shakes that nagging ankle injury, he'll become dangerous again. Tonight, he just looked average.
Protecting Derek Anderson was a big key tonight, and the offensive line did well. Also, our defensive line got a good amount of pressure on Roethlisberger. I'm anxious to find out more about Corey Williams' injury, though.
Quite honestly, I was thrilled with the defense tonight. Sure, we had a few poor plays, but the Steelers only gained 281 yards, and it was more than the sloppy weather. I still think we need a better cornerback than Brandon McDonald opposite Eric Wright, but once Brodney Pool and Sean Jones finally get on the field together, we're set.
Receiving corps is still an issue, since Donte Stallworth missed another game tonight and Joe Jurevicius is still out. Braylon Edwards looked better, and Syndric Steptoe found a couple of seams, but we'll have to see if that lasts more than one game.
So I'll probably regret admitting this, but after the first half ended so shitty, I started thinking to myself "at least the Cavs open camp in two weeks."
Undefeated against Pittsburgh since entering the NBAThe Browns and Ohio State combined to score nine points in losing big games this weekend. If you root for both teams, your life sucks.
Until now, I thought Eric Wright was our best defensive back. But Brodney Pool has officially changed my mind. Dude is money.
Venture a guess how many penalties were called against the Steelers' secondary tonight. Give up? One, an illegal contact call on Bryant McFadden. Steelers fans will never admit it, but their secondary gets away with more shit than any other team in the league. Don't shove that "good physical play" argument down my throat. Pittsburgh's cover guys play dirty. Period.
When we make it through a game without a single egregious fuckup, I'll strip naked and breakdance through Beverly Hills.
Xerox the play that resulted in Winslow out-jumping Polamalu for a first down. It has good vibes.
You don't give a shit about the Eagles-Cowboys game Monday night? Me neither!
Zero sympathy for the Browns. So we lost our first two games. So we're a bit banged up. So we have two straight road games in the division. Big whoop. Time to toughen up and start the playoff push.
We're coming, you aborted fetus of a franchise.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
The ABCs: Week 1
Let's turn back the clocks. A year ago, Dallas was coming to Cleveland to open the season, and I said that we were going to get destroyed, but it wouldn't necessarily be a good indicator of how the season would go.
At the time, I was talking about basketball. I was at the Q on opening night, when the Cavs raised the Eastern Conference Championship banner and then got razed by the Mavericks. Things gradually came together, however, and by the end of the year, we were the only team that really challenged the Celtics during their title run.
I thought the Browns had more of a shot to beat Dallas Sunday afternoon, a theory the Cowboys quickly disproved. Still, people are already forecasting damnation for Cleveland, so for the first time this season, let me spell it out for you.
All day is how long Tony Romo had to throw. He just dropped back and picked apart our secondary.
Hey, he's dropping back again.
Braylon Edwards wasn't right. He looked a step slow, and he dropped a couple of balls. That said, he's clearly out of sync after missing the last couple weeks of preseason. I'm not overly concerned.
Cliff Lee won his 21st game for the Tribe on Sunday. Can we just suit up 22 Cliff Lees next weekend against the Steelers?
Dogging it was not a problem for Shaun Rogers. He had a reputation for being lazy in Detroit, but he played with fire. It's not his fault the Cowboys have an adamantium o-line.
Eric Wright is going to be a lockdown NFL corner. Of Romo's 24 completions, only a couple of them were against Wright, and he undercut T.O. for an endzone interception. Brandon McDonald, on the other hand, can't cover a bed with a blanket. Ty Law, anyone?
Oh look, Tony Romo is still looking for an open man.
Frankly, I didn't really understand Rob Chudzinski's playcalling. We ran draw plays on a couple of second-and-longs, and we tried to convert a third-and-short by having Derek Anderson chuck a jump ball to Edwards on the sideline. Chud didn't throw downfield enough, either. Is that Brian Billick in disguise?
God almighty, Anderson really can't hit anything but deep routs, can he? On a big third-and-1 early in the game, Edwards cut inside of Pacman Jones, and his reward was a high fastball that was almost uncatchable. Anderson's really good at dropping long bombs on a dime, which meshes well with our explosive receiving corps, but he can't throw short or intermediate routs. And we just happen to have a backup quarterback who excels at short and intermediate routs. Now that's what I call a sticky situation.
Hahahaha was my reaction to some of the signs at Cleveland Browns Stadium. "T.O. has B.O." particularly tickled my fancy.
Injuries are burning us right now. Without Josh Cribbs, the return game wasn't threatening. Without Ryan Tucker, the right side of our offensive line was weaker. Without Joe Jurevicius and Donte Stallworth, our offense wasn't as potent. Without Brodney Pool, the secondary had to deal with the Cowboys and Mike Adams' suckitry. We need to get healthy, or we aren't winning seven games.
Still haven't found anyone yet, eh, Tony?
Jessica Simpson was nowhere to be found, and I was disappointed. Not because she's pretty, but because Tony Romo plays like shit when she's around.
Kudos to Jamal Lewis. He wasn't all that effective, but he's clearly in great shape. With a new three-year contract, he'd better be.
LeBron was at the game, which was cool to see. He rooted for the Cowboys as a kid, but I guess he chose to leave the opposing team's hat at home this time.
Many thanks to FOX 11 Los Angeles, which inexplicably broadcast this game over games involving the Chargers, Cardinals and 49ers. Even though we got womped, I still had to see it. Goth kids cut their wrists, I watch the Browns.
No way all the Browns make it out of the stadium alive if they play like that next weekend. If they do, hell, I might fly to Cleveland myself and introduce Brandon McDonald's head to a baseball bat.
Ooooooh shit, Joe Buck said Lost was his favorite show while promoting the new FOX series Fringe. Joshua Jackson must be pissed.
Everything OK, Tony? Need any more time?
Penalties started to pile up for the Browns after a flawless first quarter. Dallas made tons of mistakes, too, like T.O.'s touchdown celebration and Frogger Jones' pass interference, but when your opponent is overmatched, it doesn't matter. We can't move forward if we slice off a toe after every step.
Quick, name the last time an NFL broadcast didn't have some sort of trivia question. Sunday's opener didn't, and I can't remember the last time I watched a game without one.
Romeo Crennel had that same blank expression on his face we saw during his first 33 games with the Browns. I'm still not sure if he's a good coach.
Solid season premiere of Entourage Sunday night. It felt different, but that's a good thing, because the show can't survive if it doesn't reinvent itself every year. It seems like they're going flesh out the idea of Eric becoming less Vince's best friend and more high-powered agent. Vince is galvanized, Drama's ego is growing, Turtle is still mooching and Ari hasn't lost his machine-gun mouth. HBO is clearly sinking more money into the show, too. This doesn't have anything to do with the Browns, but who gives a fuck?
This does. Our receiving corps is frighteningly thin. With Jurevicius and Stallworth hurt, and with Edwards dusting off the cobwebs, we didn't intimidate the Cowboys' secondary. Which is a shame, because our full complement would've run circles around Anthony Henry, Ken Hamlin, Horse-Collar Williams and Space Invaders Jones.
Ugly. From late in the second quarter to late in the third, the Cowboys were raping us in every conceivable fashion. And laughing about it. Just plain ugly.
Very, very good is how I describe the Cowboys. Dallas has as good a shot as anyone to win the Super Bowl this year.
Glad to see you're still comfortable back there, Tony.
Wow, that joke is getting old.
X is a letter found in the names Rex Hadnot and Alex Hall. They're the only two Browns with that distinction. What a gay fact.
You've got to be shitting me with that defensive performance. The Cowboys rolled up and down the field, and all we could do was yap like John Mark Karr in a Church confessional. I maintain my belief, however, that we're one corner away from having a good unit.
Zebras had nothing to do with the outcome of this game. Blaming the referees is the pussiest cop out known to man. Also, I have a feeling I'm going to have a hard time finding different words to fill the Z spot this season.
Next up: the Pittsburgh Steelers. We've lost to those black-and-yellow bastards nine times in a row, and it's time to snap that streak. I sure hope it's better than the Dallas game, and if it isn't, I hope Pittsburgh doesn't run up the score.
Relax, Big Snack, it's a metaphor. You don't have to run anywhere.
At the time, I was talking about basketball. I was at the Q on opening night, when the Cavs raised the Eastern Conference Championship banner and then got razed by the Mavericks. Things gradually came together, however, and by the end of the year, we were the only team that really challenged the Celtics during their title run.
I thought the Browns had more of a shot to beat Dallas Sunday afternoon, a theory the Cowboys quickly disproved. Still, people are already forecasting damnation for Cleveland, so for the first time this season, let me spell it out for you.
All day is how long Tony Romo had to throw. He just dropped back and picked apart our secondary.
Hey, he's dropping back again.Braylon Edwards wasn't right. He looked a step slow, and he dropped a couple of balls. That said, he's clearly out of sync after missing the last couple weeks of preseason. I'm not overly concerned.
Cliff Lee won his 21st game for the Tribe on Sunday. Can we just suit up 22 Cliff Lees next weekend against the Steelers?
Dogging it was not a problem for Shaun Rogers. He had a reputation for being lazy in Detroit, but he played with fire. It's not his fault the Cowboys have an adamantium o-line.
Eric Wright is going to be a lockdown NFL corner. Of Romo's 24 completions, only a couple of them were against Wright, and he undercut T.O. for an endzone interception. Brandon McDonald, on the other hand, can't cover a bed with a blanket. Ty Law, anyone?
Oh look, Tony Romo is still looking for an open man.Frankly, I didn't really understand Rob Chudzinski's playcalling. We ran draw plays on a couple of second-and-longs, and we tried to convert a third-and-short by having Derek Anderson chuck a jump ball to Edwards on the sideline. Chud didn't throw downfield enough, either. Is that Brian Billick in disguise?
God almighty, Anderson really can't hit anything but deep routs, can he? On a big third-and-1 early in the game, Edwards cut inside of Pacman Jones, and his reward was a high fastball that was almost uncatchable. Anderson's really good at dropping long bombs on a dime, which meshes well with our explosive receiving corps, but he can't throw short or intermediate routs. And we just happen to have a backup quarterback who excels at short and intermediate routs. Now that's what I call a sticky situation.
Hahahaha was my reaction to some of the signs at Cleveland Browns Stadium. "T.O. has B.O." particularly tickled my fancy.
Injuries are burning us right now. Without Josh Cribbs, the return game wasn't threatening. Without Ryan Tucker, the right side of our offensive line was weaker. Without Joe Jurevicius and Donte Stallworth, our offense wasn't as potent. Without Brodney Pool, the secondary had to deal with the Cowboys and Mike Adams' suckitry. We need to get healthy, or we aren't winning seven games.
Still haven't found anyone yet, eh, Tony?Jessica Simpson was nowhere to be found, and I was disappointed. Not because she's pretty, but because Tony Romo plays like shit when she's around.
Kudos to Jamal Lewis. He wasn't all that effective, but he's clearly in great shape. With a new three-year contract, he'd better be.
LeBron was at the game, which was cool to see. He rooted for the Cowboys as a kid, but I guess he chose to leave the opposing team's hat at home this time.
Many thanks to FOX 11 Los Angeles, which inexplicably broadcast this game over games involving the Chargers, Cardinals and 49ers. Even though we got womped, I still had to see it. Goth kids cut their wrists, I watch the Browns.
No way all the Browns make it out of the stadium alive if they play like that next weekend. If they do, hell, I might fly to Cleveland myself and introduce Brandon McDonald's head to a baseball bat.
Ooooooh shit, Joe Buck said Lost was his favorite show while promoting the new FOX series Fringe. Joshua Jackson must be pissed.
Everything OK, Tony? Need any more time?Penalties started to pile up for the Browns after a flawless first quarter. Dallas made tons of mistakes, too, like T.O.'s touchdown celebration and Frogger Jones' pass interference, but when your opponent is overmatched, it doesn't matter. We can't move forward if we slice off a toe after every step.
Quick, name the last time an NFL broadcast didn't have some sort of trivia question. Sunday's opener didn't, and I can't remember the last time I watched a game without one.
Romeo Crennel had that same blank expression on his face we saw during his first 33 games with the Browns. I'm still not sure if he's a good coach.
Solid season premiere of Entourage Sunday night. It felt different, but that's a good thing, because the show can't survive if it doesn't reinvent itself every year. It seems like they're going flesh out the idea of Eric becoming less Vince's best friend and more high-powered agent. Vince is galvanized, Drama's ego is growing, Turtle is still mooching and Ari hasn't lost his machine-gun mouth. HBO is clearly sinking more money into the show, too. This doesn't have anything to do with the Browns, but who gives a fuck?
This does. Our receiving corps is frighteningly thin. With Jurevicius and Stallworth hurt, and with Edwards dusting off the cobwebs, we didn't intimidate the Cowboys' secondary. Which is a shame, because our full complement would've run circles around Anthony Henry, Ken Hamlin, Horse-Collar Williams and Space Invaders Jones.
Ugly. From late in the second quarter to late in the third, the Cowboys were raping us in every conceivable fashion. And laughing about it. Just plain ugly.
Very, very good is how I describe the Cowboys. Dallas has as good a shot as anyone to win the Super Bowl this year.
Glad to see you're still comfortable back there, Tony.Wow, that joke is getting old.
X is a letter found in the names Rex Hadnot and Alex Hall. They're the only two Browns with that distinction. What a gay fact.
You've got to be shitting me with that defensive performance. The Cowboys rolled up and down the field, and all we could do was yap like John Mark Karr in a Church confessional. I maintain my belief, however, that we're one corner away from having a good unit.
Zebras had nothing to do with the outcome of this game. Blaming the referees is the pussiest cop out known to man. Also, I have a feeling I'm going to have a hard time finding different words to fill the Z spot this season.
Next up: the Pittsburgh Steelers. We've lost to those black-and-yellow bastards nine times in a row, and it's time to snap that streak. I sure hope it's better than the Dallas game, and if it isn't, I hope Pittsburgh doesn't run up the score.
Relax, Big Snack, it's a metaphor. You don't have to run anywhere.
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