A Column About the NFL

Hi, how are you? Good? That's great. I had a poor weekend, because I got belligerently drunk on Saturday and watched my team lose on Sunday. With that all out of the way, let's talk about this past week in the NFL, shall we?

The Bills? They're a surprising 3-0. This is presumably due to the fact that Lane Kiffin found it difficult to coach from ahead while the Sword of Damocles was looming over his head in the wizened figure of Al "I don't know anything about football anymore, but shh don't tell anyone" Davis. Good for the Bills though, they're giving their fans something to cheer about before they become the Toronto Aboots in a few years.

The Chargers pounded the snot out of the Brett Favres on MNF, cementing their reputation as a team that starts slow, looks impressive, and then fizzles out in the playoffs. Yes, I'm already assuming a crushing post-season loss.

The Browns looked horrendous in losing to the Ravens, and that's really all I'm going to say about that. The Brady Quinn era is just around the corner, and we can all be certain that no city outside of Cleveland is more excited about this than San Francisco. Yes, that was an obvious joke. No, I don't feel shame because of it.

The Cowboys dismantled the Packers in Green Bay and look like the team to beat in the NFL right now. I just threw up several times in my mouth thinking about that. Paging Jessica Simpson to the luxury box!

The Titans smoked the Texans, and Vince Young cried a little bit less today, so really, no one had a bad day in Tennessee, now did they?

The Jaguars saved their season with a last-second win over the Colts. The Colts aren't really that good this year, and neither are the Jaguars. I'm not quite sure I'm ready for another Kerry Collins-led Super Bowl contender, though. We all know how things went for him last time he got there.

Minnesota beat Carolina, to the surprise of no one. Minnesota is still not a good football team, also to the surprise of no one.

The Patriots' regular season winning streak came to an end, as Ronnie Brown proved that he might just be the solution to the Dolphins' quarterback problems. Joey Porter talked a lot.

The Redskins beat the Cardinals. Matt Leinart fucked three 18-year old co-eds and Brenda Warner on the sideline. Good game for Matt.

The Steelers lost to the Eagles, and Ben Roethlisberger got sacked many times. Ben Roethlisberger is something of a pansy. The Steelers' coaches have also never heard of a screen pass, draw play, or three step drop.

The Broncos won again, making their eventual 8-8 finish only slightly harder to fathom, but just as realistic and inevitable.

Kansas City got crushed. Who even cares? It was by the Falcons, by the way. But no one cares about that, either.

Seattle destroyed St. Louis and San Francisco did the same to Detroit. Someone should tell fans of those teams that wins over JV squads don't count towards your overall record.

Cincinnati and Chicago both lost in overtime. Tampa Bay and the New York Giants both won in overtime. But WHO PLAYED WHO? This is up to you, dear reader, to figure out.

FAKE E-MAIL OF THE WEEK

"Hey FLS, long time reader, first time fake e-mailer: My question is, what do you know about resumes? I'm trying to put together a good one, but I just don't know if I have good enough material or what. Can you help? Thanks so much."

--Scott L., St. Louis

Hey Scott, no, sorry, I can't. Thanks for playing, and don't worry, it'll only be a few more weeks.

FUCK YOU OF THE WEEK

Fuck you, Steelers offensive coaches. Apparently you thought it was cool to see your $100 million investment on his ass all day. As if a hangnail isn't enough for him to complain and moan for weeks on end. Next time, let's try and expand the playbook past original Tecmo Bowl levels. Thanks.

Remember people: This is a work in progress. Promise it'll be better next week.