The ABCs: Week 3

In every pro sports league, success is driven by something definitive. Success in the NBA is driven by its stars. Success in MLB is driven by spending. Success in the NFL is driven by coaching and quarterback play.

I defy you to name one Super Bowl champion that didn't have great coaching and/or quarterbacking. You can't. It's never happened. And guess what the Cleveland Browns don't have?

Answer that for yourself. Meanwhile, I'm going to try to find some answers of my own. For the third straight week, let me spell it out for you.

All things considered, the third quarter was as bad a quarter as I've ever seen the Browns play. Think about the severity of that distinction for a second.

Bad game (again) for Derek Anderson. He was 14-of-37 for 125 yards and one touchdown with three interceptions. That's a 22.9 quarterback rating. Whoo buddy I am not done discussing DA.

CUNT, SHIT, FUCK, PISS, COCKSUCKER, MOTHERFUCKER, TITS. Those are George Carlin's seven dirty words you can't say on television. Well guess the fuck what? This isn't TV, it's a blog.

"Browns" is my eighth dirty word

Drops are murdering Cleveland and hiding the body right now. As bad as Anderson has been, the banged-up receiving corps isn't giving him much help.

Every Browns fan was thinking the same thing after Anderson threw that testicle-shitting pick six to Ed Reed in the third quarter: it's time for Brady Quinn. Count me in, fellas!

Forget anything positive that happened last weekend. It was all negated Sunday against an inferior football team.

Glad to see that Ravens safety Dawan Landry is OK. He was carted off on a stretcher at the end of the first half, but reports from the hospital have been positive.

Haloti Ngata didn't cheap-shot Joe Thomas this time around. He didn't have to. The Browns were busy cheap-shotting themselves.

I'm no longer ashamed of admitting my excitement for the Cavs last week. As a matter of fact, I can't wait for the Cavaliers to open camp because LeBron James would never let any team he's on get punked like the Browns today.

Just as I said in week one, I'm not sure if Romeo Crennel is a good coach. The Browns have had to deal with injuries and big expectations this season, and it's up to the coach to navigate the team through the distractions and keep it successful on the field. Counting preseason, we've lost all seven of our games this year, and played poorly in five of them. CONNECT THE FUCKING DOTS.

Kellen Winslow Jr. had two catches for 14 yards. Not because he wasn't open, but because Crennel never called plays for him and Anderson chose not to throw in his direction. I mean, are we TRYING to get him to demand a trade??

Let the record show that at the 11:54 mark of the second quarter, Mike Adams finally did something that didn't suck. I'll bet he thinks that interception means he can suck balls for the next nine quarters, too.

My God, the Ravens cheerleaders are hot. Anderson wanted to fuck them, but he couldn't, so he decided to fuck the Browns instead.

National television features the Browns four more times this season. Roger Goodell must be stabbing himself.

Tagliabue never had to deal with these clowns

Our offense is a fucking joke. There's way too much talent on that side of the ball to be failing like this.

Please tell me this isn't the real Derek Anderson we're seeing. He couldn't hit shit if he took a dump and jumped in the toilet.

d'Qwell Jackson and Alex Hall are ballers. They played like it today. We need to find Hall a starting spot in the linebacking corps.

Ratings for next week's Bengals-Browns game will be among the worst in league history unless the franchises decide to award $10 million to a random viewer. Actually, I hope they do.

Some people will say the Browns' season is over after this loss, which isn't true. What is true, however, is that Crennel must seriously consider benching Anderson. This isn't heat-of-the-moment, overreacting Browns fan talk. This is shitty accuracy, no poise, interception-addicted, the-NFL-has-figured-out-Derek-Anderson talk.

The most effective plays in our playbook might be screens, because we have an athletic offensive line and versatile backs. Jerome Harrison scored our only touchdown on a screen play in the second quarter. Naturally, he didn't play another down the rest of the game.

Unless something kick-starts this team, we're going to finish 5-11. Or worse.

Verify whether or not our 2007 season actually took place. Seriously, someone please do it.

When you think about what I said to open this week's ABCs, you understand why the Browns are rarely a playoff team. Other than Marty Schottenheimer, I can't think of a single coach since Blanton Collier who's brought us consistent success. And other than Bernie Kosar and Brian Sipe, I can't think of a single quarterback who's given us stability.

Xena: Warrior Princess probably scares the rest of the NFL more than the Browns right now.

You know what? I'm going to focus on the Indians climbing above .500 today more than the Browns game. Way to go, Tribe!

Zip it up and zip it out, folks. We're going to Cincinnati next week, where things could get a whole lot better.


Or a whole lot worse.