The ABCs: Week 1

Let's turn back the clocks. A year ago, Dallas was coming to Cleveland to open the season, and I said that we were going to get destroyed, but it wouldn't necessarily be a good indicator of how the season would go.

At the time, I was talking about basketball. I was at the Q on opening night, when the Cavs raised the Eastern Conference Championship banner and then got razed by the Mavericks. Things gradually came together, however, and by the end of the year, we were the only team that really challenged the Celtics during their title run.

I thought the Browns had more of a shot to beat Dallas Sunday afternoon, a theory the Cowboys quickly disproved. Still, people are already forecasting damnation for Cleveland, so for the first time this season, let me spell it out for you.

All day is how long Tony Romo had to throw. He just dropped back and picked apart our secondary.

Hey, he's dropping back again.

Braylon Edwards wasn't right. He looked a step slow, and he dropped a couple of balls. That said, he's clearly out of sync after missing the last couple weeks of preseason. I'm not overly concerned.

Cliff Lee won his 21st game for the Tribe on Sunday. Can we just suit up 22 Cliff Lees next weekend against the Steelers?

Dogging it was not a problem for Shaun Rogers. He had a reputation for being lazy in Detroit, but he played with fire. It's not his fault the Cowboys have an adamantium o-line.

Eric Wright is going to be a lockdown NFL corner. Of Romo's 24 completions, only a couple of them were against Wright, and he undercut T.O. for an endzone interception. Brandon McDonald, on the other hand, can't cover a bed with a blanket. Ty Law, anyone?

Oh look, Tony Romo is still looking for an open man.

Frankly, I didn't really understand Rob Chudzinski's playcalling. We ran draw plays on a couple of second-and-longs, and we tried to convert a third-and-short by having Derek Anderson chuck a jump ball to Edwards on the sideline. Chud didn't throw downfield enough, either. Is that Brian Billick in disguise?

God almighty, Anderson really can't hit anything but deep routs, can he? On a big third-and-1 early in the game, Edwards cut inside of Pacman Jones, and his reward was a high fastball that was almost uncatchable. Anderson's really good at dropping long bombs on a dime, which meshes well with our explosive receiving corps, but he can't throw short or intermediate routs. And we just happen to have a backup quarterback who excels at short and intermediate routs. Now that's what I call a sticky situation.

Hahahaha was my reaction to some of the signs at Cleveland Browns Stadium. "T.O. has B.O." particularly tickled my fancy.

Injuries are burning us right now. Without Josh Cribbs, the return game wasn't threatening. Without Ryan Tucker, the right side of our offensive line was weaker. Without Joe Jurevicius and Donte Stallworth, our offense wasn't as potent. Without Brodney Pool, the secondary had to deal with the Cowboys and Mike Adams' suckitry. We need to get healthy, or we aren't winning seven games.

Still haven't found anyone yet, eh, Tony?

Jessica Simpson was nowhere to be found, and I was disappointed. Not because she's pretty, but because Tony Romo plays like shit when she's around.

Kudos to Jamal Lewis. He wasn't all that effective, but he's clearly in great shape. With a new three-year contract, he'd better be.

LeBron was at the game, which was cool to see. He rooted for the Cowboys as a kid, but I guess he chose to leave the opposing team's hat at home this time.

Many thanks to FOX 11 Los Angeles, which inexplicably broadcast this game over games involving the Chargers, Cardinals and 49ers. Even though we got womped, I still had to see it. Goth kids cut their wrists, I watch the Browns.

No way all the Browns make it out of the stadium alive if they play like that next weekend. If they do, hell, I might fly to Cleveland myself and introduce Brandon McDonald's head to a baseball bat.

Ooooooh shit, Joe Buck said Lost was his favorite show while promoting the new FOX series Fringe. Joshua Jackson must be pissed.

Everything OK, Tony? Need any more time?

Penalties started to pile up for the Browns after a flawless first quarter. Dallas made tons of mistakes, too, like T.O.'s touchdown celebration and Frogger Jones' pass interference, but when your opponent is overmatched, it doesn't matter. We can't move forward if we slice off a toe after every step.

Quick, name the last time an NFL broadcast didn't have some sort of trivia question. Sunday's opener didn't, and I can't remember the last time I watched a game without one.

Romeo Crennel had that same blank expression on his face we saw during his first 33 games with the Browns. I'm still not sure if he's a good coach.

Solid season premiere of Entourage Sunday night. It felt different, but that's a good thing, because the show can't survive if it doesn't reinvent itself every year. It seems like they're going flesh out the idea of Eric becoming less Vince's best friend and more high-powered agent. Vince is galvanized, Drama's ego is growing, Turtle is still mooching and Ari hasn't lost his machine-gun mouth. HBO is clearly sinking more money into the show, too. This doesn't have anything to do with the Browns, but who gives a fuck?

This does. Our receiving corps is frighteningly thin. With Jurevicius and Stallworth hurt, and with Edwards dusting off the cobwebs, we didn't intimidate the Cowboys' secondary. Which is a shame, because our full complement would've run circles around Anthony Henry, Ken Hamlin, Horse-Collar Williams and Space Invaders Jones.

Ugly. From late in the second quarter to late in the third, the Cowboys were raping us in every conceivable fashion. And laughing about it. Just plain ugly.

Very, very good is how I describe the Cowboys. Dallas has as good a shot as anyone to win the Super Bowl this year.

Glad to see you're still comfortable back there, Tony.

Wow, that joke is getting old.

X is a letter found in the names Rex Hadnot and Alex Hall. They're the only two Browns with that distinction. What a gay fact.

You've got to be shitting me with that defensive performance. The Cowboys rolled up and down the field, and all we could do was yap like John Mark Karr in a Church confessional. I maintain my belief, however, that we're one corner away from having a good unit.

Zebras had nothing to do with the outcome of this game. Blaming the referees is the pussiest cop out known to man. Also, I have a feeling I'm going to have a hard time finding different words to fill the Z spot this season.


Next up: the Pittsburgh Steelers. We've lost to those black-and-yellow bastards nine times in a row, and it's time to snap that streak. I sure hope it's better than the Dallas game, and if it isn't, I hope Pittsburgh doesn't run up the score.


Relax, Big Snack, it's a metaphor. You don't have to run anywhere.