The ABCs: Week 2

Anyone who knows me will tell you the Pittsburgh Steelers are the only sports team I truly hate. With the exception of the Steelers and Art Modell, I really don't have anything against any particular team, athlete or executive. I make fun of everyone, sure, but don't confuse hating on with pure hating. That doesn't make me a better fan or anything. It's just the way I am.

Imagine, then, how I feel about losing 10 straight games against Pittsburgh, many in gut-wrenching fashion. It's terrible. I'm actually past the point of getting steam-spewing pissed about it. These days, I just get deflated. Seriously, it's as if someone pokes me with a sharp object and my whole body just sags into itself and slumps to the floor.

For the time being, I've managed to pull myself up to my laptop, so for the second week of the season, let me spell it out for you.

Again. We had a good chance to beat the Steelers. Again. We didn't capitalize. Again. And we lost to the Steelers. Again.

Biggest fuckup of the night goes to the secondary, for allowing the 31-yard pass to Hines Ward in the third quarter when we had Pittsburgh pinned on the 2 with its back against the Dawg Pound. You can't ask for much better from the defense overall, but that play really hurt.

Can we please get Mike Adams off the field? Is he really the third-best safety on our roster??

"Coverage"? Coach, you're not my insurance agent

Deep down, I have a horrible feeling the Browns are going to beat the Steelers in Week 17 because the game won't mean anything to either of us. They'll be AFC North champs and we'll be eliminated from the playoffs. Straight up, I would rather lose 20 consecutive significant games to the Steelers than get one bullshit win.

Everyone in the stadium was booing the decision to kick the field goal with 3:24 remaining instead of going for it on fourth-and-7. As tough as it was, I agree 100 percent with Romeo Crennel. Failing to convert on fourth down would have been disastrous, and the Steelers had struggled to run the ball in the second half.

For the second straight game, Shaun Rogers played out of his mind. The Steelers had to double-team him a lot, and even then, holding him was the only way they could stop him consistently, which drew several calls. I really, really like that trade so far.

Good God, Romeo, do you try to waste time in late situations?

The only seconds I like are at the dinner table!

Hines Ward had the dropsies all night, which is extremely uncharacteristic, even considering the wet conditions. He probably won't have a game like that again, so it's just another opportunity we missed tonight. Isn't that just DUCKY.

Interceptions have been Derek Anderson's bogus operandi lately. He's thrown seven in his last four games, including tonight's butt-plugging pick by Troy Polamaluoamoaou on the 2-yard line late in the first half.

Just once, I'd like to beat the Steelers. Is that too fucking much to ask?

Kellen Winslow is exactly the kind of player we need to beat the Steelers. He's extremely talented, he won't back down against any of them, and if he makes a mistake, it only adds more fuel to his considerable fire. If all 53 Browns played the Steelers like Kellen Winslow has the last two games, we'd have beaten them by now.

Let me be the first to declare Willie McGinest finished. He was too slow to catch Ben Toothlessberger on that decisive scramble in Pittsburgh last year, and he got pushed around again tonight. Whatever veteran leadership he provides isn't balancing out his shitty play on the field.

Michael Phelps was in the house tonight, and DJMJ favorite Al Michaels said that he's good friends with Braylon Edwards. Maybe that's why Edwards has been playing like such a pussy this year.

New defensive coordinator Mel Tucker has taken a page from Dick LeBeau's playbook. Did you see all those zany blitzes the Browns launched tonight?

First we'll blitz a safety, than all four linebackers, then members of the coaching staff, then fans from the Dawg Pound, all the way to the Super Bowl!! BYAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Once Josh Cribbs shakes that nagging ankle injury, he'll become dangerous again. Tonight, he just looked average.

Protecting Derek Anderson was a big key tonight, and the offensive line did well. Also, our defensive line got a good amount of pressure on Roethlisberger. I'm anxious to find out more about Corey Williams' injury, though.

Quite honestly, I was thrilled with the defense tonight. Sure, we had a few poor plays, but the Steelers only gained 281 yards, and it was more than the sloppy weather. I still think we need a better cornerback than Brandon McDonald opposite Eric Wright, but once Brodney Pool and Sean Jones finally get on the field together, we're set.

Receiving corps is still an issue, since Donte Stallworth missed another game tonight and Joe Jurevicius is still out. Braylon Edwards looked better, and Syndric Steptoe found a couple of seams, but we'll have to see if that lasts more than one game.

So I'll probably regret admitting this, but after the first half ended so shitty, I started thinking to myself "at least the Cavs open camp in two weeks."

Undefeated against Pittsburgh since entering the NBA

The Browns and Ohio State combined to score nine points in losing big games this weekend. If you root for both teams, your life sucks.

Until now, I thought Eric Wright was our best defensive back. But Brodney Pool has officially changed my mind. Dude is money.

Venture a guess how many penalties were called against the Steelers' secondary tonight. Give up? One, an illegal contact call on Bryant McFadden. Steelers fans will never admit it, but their secondary gets away with more shit than any other team in the league. Don't shove that "good physical play" argument down my throat. Pittsburgh's cover guys play dirty. Period.

When we make it through a game without a single egregious fuckup, I'll strip naked and breakdance through Beverly Hills.

Xerox the play that resulted in Winslow out-jumping Polamalu for a first down. It has good vibes.

You don't give a shit about the Eagles-Cowboys game Monday night? Me neither!

Zero sympathy for the Browns. So we lost our first two games. So we're a bit banged up. So we have two straight road games in the division. Big whoop. Time to toughen up and start the playoff push.


We're coming, you aborted fetus of a franchise.