Saturday, February 28, 2009

DJMJ's sole remaining Browns jersey now defunct

I don't know why I buy Browns jerseys. It's not like whichever injury-prone talent or busted draft pick I choose is going to be with the team past another quadrennial rebuilding stage. If I was a real jersey head, I'd get longsnapper Ryan Pontbriand's No. 64. He's always in the Pro Bowl. That investment would be wise, and therefore totally unbecoming of the Browns.

Anyway, my home No. 80 Kellen Winslow is officially obsolete now that K2 has been traded to Tampa Bay. No jokes about him "soldiering on" or something like that, just utter lament that the only guy on our roster who could catch passes is now catching them for someone else.

Ah well, if the Mangenius and Kokinis feel it's what's best, then we have to let them make their mark. In the meantime, I'm gonna be relaxing this weekend the best way I know how.


The blog is in FLS' hands the next three days. I wonder what chaos I hath just wrought.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Ben Wallace feels left out



I'm basketball's baddest man, Big Ben Wallace. You seen me on the court sendin' shots back into grown men's faces and snatchin' loose balls like Harvey Milk at the Y. But I need somethin' new in my life. I think I'm 'a go get hurt.

Darnell, didn't you fracture yo wrist in November?


Oh damn, you look healthy now. I ain't havin' that shit.

Hey yo Delonte, what's the word on yo fucked up wrist?


Delonte. Delonte! HEY, DELONTE!

Shit, man, these reporters be too loud for Big Ben to be heard. I'LL HIT YOU UP LATER WESTSIDE!

Man, I gotta find a way to get hurt fast. These Cleveland fans actually feel good about they chances this season. I mean -- HEY YO SASHA! SASHA WAIT UP!


DAMN! That dude rolled out quick. He's enjoyin' all this time off now that he fucked up his ankle. Haha, he always got some sissy injury that be buggin' him.

Wait, that's it! Sissy injuries! I gotta get me some advice from my main man Boobie. Where he at?


Ooooh snap, I ain't even touchin' that. He gettin' coached by E. Snow. He about to get a whole 'nother level of sissy injury. Even sissier than that toe and ankle shit he always get.

Let me think. Who else been injured recently? Didn't Tarence Kinsey suffer somethin'? Yo, TK, what you up to?


Hahaaaaaaaaa, that's the dope shit! First his ankle, now he tryin' to get his face rearranged! You a crazy motherfucker, TK. I like my face the way it is.

I'm still healthy, though. I ain't havin' that shit. If Larry Hughes was still here, I could just hang around him for a few minutes before my elbow exploded or somethin'.

Nah, man. If I wanna get hurt like right now, I gotta turn to the Cavs' senior injury expert, the White Wizard, Big Z.


Big Z: Hello, Benjamin. What is up?

Big Ben: I gotta hurt hurt, homey!

Big Z: Why is this?

Big Ben: E'erybody else been doin' it this year. I feel left out!

Big Z: Why have you come to me?

Big Ben: 'Cause you hurt just about everything you CAN hurt in yo feet during the first half of yo career. I need some advice.

Big Z: I would not recommend that, Benjamin. Those were some of the darkest days of my career.

Big Ben: So you gon' help me or what?

Big Z: Sorry.


Yao Ming: Psssst, Ben. Over here.

Big Ben: Yo what up Yao?

Yao: I know how to hurt you.

Big Ben: How?

Yao: My leg is rated "Dolph Lundgren" on toughness scale used in Beijing. I kick you in your leg.

Big Ben: You sure you can break it? How long will I be out?

Yao: Four to six weeks.

Big Ben: Aight, cool. Do it.

Yao: Done. I already do same for Jameer Nelson. Now I need to cripple Celtics somehow.

Big Ben: Nah, don't do that.

Yao: Why?

Big Ben: They just signed Steph. They got enough issues.

I'm a FUCKING BUCCANEER!

Old Chronically injured soldiers don't die, they just fade away get traded to Tampa Bay.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

It's been awhile, let me just check..........yep the Browns still make me want to kill myself

Glorious news from the Plain Dealer today. It seems that new head coach Eric Mangini is cultivating such a great relationship with his players that defensive tackle Shaun Rogers wants out. That's right, the only defensive player besides D'Qwell Jackson who's worth his weight in walrus shit doesn't want any part of the new regime. AWESOME.

Oh, and here's a little something I noticed awhile ago but could never logically work into a post. Thanks to the Mangina's inexplicable neglect of Rogers, I'm going to inexplicably put this out there:


Shaun Rogers, leader of the Yanagopa. Rainforests suck.

A fond remembrance

It's insane how fast things happen in sports, and also kind of depressing. It seems like whoever wins a championship these days doesn't get more than 48 hours of coverage before the attention turns full-bore to next season. Franchises don't have the same level of staying power, either, and that's partially by design. Sure, some teams enjoy a prolonged stretch of success here and there, but teams like Bill Russell's Celtics and Vince Lombardi's Packers are things of the past.

One team that's had a nice run recently is the Detroit Pistons. They won the NBA title in 2004, returned to the Finals in 2005 and have reached the Eastern Conference Finals in six straight seasons. They're still alive for a seventh consecutive trip, but that seems unlikely, especially after they lost to Miami on Tuesday and fell below .500 for the first time since November 2006. What's more, their current seven-game slide is the team's longest losing streak since late winter 2003.

It wasn't too long ago that Detroit was LeBron James' biggest roadblock, the team that he had to overcome to reach the promised land, much like Michael Jordan did in the early '90s. Those were some awesome games and series. The rivalry between Cleveland and Detroit was a can't-miss affair, one of the best the NBA had to offer.

Now that the Pistons are struggling, it's just not the same. The Cavs absolutely crushed them at the Q on Sunday. That never would have happened a couple years back.
We're 17 games up in the division, and we might be the first team to clinch a playoff berth. Our games against Boston and the Lakers draw way more attention than our tilts with Detroit.

And to be honest, it kind of makes me sad.

































Er, wait. What I meant to say was

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA






Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Guess who's back...back again



Sorry to my fan(s?) who had to live without my disgustingly witty (or just disgusting) posts the last few days. Things got a wee bit busy, but fortunately FLS and his college basketball introspectives filled the void.

All I know is that the Delonte West returned with a vengeance, the Tribe has reunited in Arizona, Eric Mangini hasn't said shit about what he's doing and Heath Ledger won a fucking Oscar. Plus my Dad's birthday was Monday. Happy birthday Dad!

Coming soon will be more Cavs/Tribe posts, some entertainment musings and perhaps a couple of joint blog features.

Tell a friend.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Um, That's Not Legal



Courtesy of Deadspin comes today's video that makes me want to vomit all over myself.

Of all teams, Duke should know that it's not the NBA out there, because none of their players, save for the mind-bogglingly annoying Gerald Henderson, will ever see an NBA floor.

Must Be Calhoun

I don't know if Jim Calhoun has a vote in the coaches poll, and I don't know if some sycophantic UConn or Oklahoma beat writers have votes in the AP Poll, but how on EARTH is Pitt not a unanimous number one in either set of rankings? Inexplicable. Oklahoma getting two votes I can almost live with. Yes, they lost, but their best player, who also happens to be the best player in the country only played 11 minutes and they had a chance to tie in the closing seconds. I don't agree with that, but I can live with that.

But UConn? UConn? Sorry, Jerome Dyson isn't a miracle worker. His loss hurt the Huskies, but I think everyone still believes they're a title contender without him. The manner in which Pitt won (dominate inside early, weather a Connecticut run, finish strong) dictates that they should be a unanimous number 1. I want to meet the coach and voter who had the Huskies at the top, because they both need a violent, remorseless beating. Oh, and I hope the coach is Calhoun. I'd beat his hard-talking, bitch-ass, wah wah wah ass all the way down the Mass Pike.

Creative Differences Off-topic: Facebook, Middle Names and You

I could spend days, weeks, months, virtually any length of time talking about things that I don't like. In fact, I've already done so before. This list includes but is not limited to: People that drink domestic beers and then make fun of people that drink craft beers, people that drink craft beers and make fun of people that drink domestic beers, Pennsylvania drivers, the sadness I feel when a great cut of meat is poorly cooked, sales jobs, sales managers, etc.

However, the one thing that's been pissing me off for months now is the ongoing trend I've seen on facebook: Putting your middle name in as your last name, instead of, you know, using your real last name. I was going to give a few people I know a pass about this, because they're teachers, and some small part of me can at least see a little bit of logic in that, but then I realized that the only people that are doing it are teachers. So with that in mind, everyone gets it.

The ironic thing about this trend is that it started in part because, as facebook started to morph into a professional networking tool, people did not want their prospective employers to find them in various states of undress, drunkenness, or my favorite, and preferred style, both. Amusingly enough, these people, who are the same ones who have sanitized their profiles beyond belief, are the ones that might well have a potential employer look for them on facebook and not be able to find them. Imagine that you'd taken the time to clean up your facebook and listed all your jobs and achievements and dreams to change the world (you fucking hippie) and had even taken the time to leave that group about wanting to beat your high school english teacher to death with a tire iron because he just made life miserable for everyone, dude, and then joining ones about saving puppies and the like, and no one could find you because your fucking posted name was Kimberly Ann. Not only do you now sound like a stripper, you also feel like one--anonymous and alone.

Maybe if people had the goddamn balls to just adjust their privacy settings to "super duper private", this wouldn't be such a fucking headache for my eyes. If an employer thinks you're some world-beater and hires you and three weeks into the job you're coming in hung over on a Tuesday, you think they might start regretting that decision and thinking a little less of you? Oh, and teachers? Just FUCKING DENY FRIEND REQUESTS! You're not there for these idiot kids you're teaching to be your best buddies, you're there to teach them. I wrote an article about this subject of profile cleansing and the like for a large college newspaper a few years ago (your annual clue as to my identity) and the response was lukewarm. By lukewarm, I mean that everyone was so busy scrubbing their facebook pages with disinfectant that it looked like no one had actually ever gone to college, they'd just claimed a degree. A facebook profile for someone between the ages of 18 and 25 should have some rocking pictures and good stuff on it. It's the business of a hiring company whether they put stock in what you have on what, at it's core, is simply a fun social networking site, or what you've actually achieved in your life. If they don't like it, fuck 'em, and for fuck's sake, keep your last name.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Bulls Title-Bound

The Bulls acquired Tim Thomas and Jerome James from the Knicks today, clearly vaulting them to the top of the Eastern Conference.

"I'm ecstatic to have Tim and Jerome in the fold. With those two, you're getting two of the elite players of our time, and two dominant guys that can carry us to the top. I can speak for Derrick Rose when I say that he is thrilled to death and can't wait to get out on the court with these guys," Head Coach Vinny Del Negro said.

Bulls fans have been lining up at the United Center to snatch up tickets for remaining home games this season.

Wacky trade deadline adventures

As the trade deadline approaches, it's clear that Cavs GM Danny Ferry is on a crusade to make upgrades to the roster. We've hammered other teams about the availability of Amare Stoudemire, Antawn Jamison, Marcus Camby, Brad Miller, Vince Carter, Richard Jefferson, James Posey, Joe Smith, and more.

Now comes the wildest proposition of all:


Brian Windhorst is reporting that the Cavs are in serious discussions about trading for the Big Aristotle now that Phoenix has morphed back to its up-tempo style. What a whammy that would be.

No deal yet, and a little more than three hours to deadline.

Stay tuned.

Uglier Than a Taiwanese Hooker With Leprosy

In not so surprising news, Penn State and Illinois have both been removed from the Big Ten basketball conference and forbidden from ever fielding Division 1 programs again. On the heels of this abortion of a game, it isn't hard to see why.

Honestly, Penn State should be ashamed of itself. Illinois should be really ashamed of itself, and every single person that paid to get into that game should be given a full refund. 38 to 33. Think about that. With under one minute left in a major college basketball game, the score was 34 to 33. Pitt/UConn was 36 to 33 at the half. Most other college games were right in that area. 34 to 33 is a 7th grade girls basketball final score. The ESPN headline for the game was "Battle clutch in powering Penn State past Illinois." Sorry, no one was clutch in this game. The people that sat through this without falling asleep were clutch. Talor Battle had 4 points in the last minute of the game, and that almost DOUBLED his point total for the first 39 minutes. He was the only double digit scorer in the game. He had 11 points. Let me remind you again, these are the best of the best, in terms of high school players. You could put a good high school team out there against a major conference D-1 program and they'd at least get 25 points or so over the course of a game, probably more.

The fact that basketball games like this take place makes me feel bad for all parties involved. If you're Ed DeChellis, can you really walk into the locker room, even though you're 19-8, and say, "Great win guys?" Of course not. What I would say in that situation is, "Enjoy the short flight home, because we're having practice when we get back." I don't care if a win is a win is a win, sometimes a win is a loss. An ugly, awful, aesthetically atrocious LOSS. DeChellis should treat it as such.

He shouldn't be as hard on his team as Bruce Weber is, though. The Fighting Illini didn't attempt a foul shot the entire game. With the way today's games are called, do you have any concept of how difficult a feat that is? That kind of incompetence almost needs to be celebrated. You would think one of these guys would trip over his dick and fall over while shooting to at least get to the stripe once, but no. Not to mention, but ILLINOIS WAS RANKED going into this game. Who the fuck could be rightly placed behind them in the polls after this? A team of blind and deaf midgets? Not sure if they wouldn't give the fightin' shitfuckers a game. I hope this loss drops them from number 16 to number 312, because that's where they belong.

What a fucking disgrace.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

1980s Tom Cruise thinks your trade prospects are lame



A long time ago, Tom Cruise was cool. Really cool. Almost to a point where nothing could portend his abrupt spiral into religious madness, shitty role selection and complete douchebaggery. People look back on him and shake their head. "Man, what happened?" I sure hope I'm not saying the same thing in a few months when I look back at this year's NBA trade deadline.

We've got Wally Szczerbiak's $13 million expiring contract and a couple of tasty trade pieces to work with. I love how Wally's played this year, and if we trade him I hope he gets a buyout and rejoins the team in a month. But his contract is wretched, and as long as we can upgrade without sacrificing team chemistry, he should be swapped.

Sounds like Danny Ferry's thinking the same thing. With the Suns all but removing Amare Stoudemire from the trading block, here's what 1980s Tom Cruise thinks of our top targets:

Marcus Camby, Clippers center


Top Guns: A defensive stalwart who's toiling away in basketball oblivion, the Cambyman automatically locks up our post and provides a reliable scoring threat. He's also a great teammate and a veteran hungry for a ring.

Risky Business: There is none, other than Donald Sterling saying that Camby and Eric Gordon were the only two "untouchable" Clippers. Riiiight. Oh, and this incident with our current GM.

Cruise rating (out of four):



Antawn Jamison, Wizards forward


Top Guns: Another hungry veteran who can defend and create his own shot with excellent range. Jamison's a former Sixth Man of the Year, so he'll have no issues coming off the bench, and he's playing much younger than his age (32).

Risky Business: Ernie Grunfeld knows there are other ways to stay out of the luxury tax besides shedding Jamison's contract, and he's confident the team can make one more run when Gilbert Arenas is healthy. Plus it's the Wizards, and they hate us.

Cruise rating:



Brad Miller, Kings center


Top Guns: A seven-footer with good range and a decent defender.

Risky Business: Out of shape, laden with drug problems, questionable teammate, you name it. Sources say we could have acquired him any time in the last month...yet we haven't. What's that tell you?

Cruise rating:



Vince Carter, Nets guard


Top Guns: Vincanity is having a bounceback year, averaging 21 points, five rebounds and five assists. Plus his defense doesn't totally suck anymore. Talk about a second option.

Risky Business: The Nets want to get rid of Carter, but they're fielding more enticing offers as we speak. And we don't need another guard, especially a selfish guard who could mess with chemistry.

Cruise rating:



Raef LaFrentz, Trail Blazers forward/center


Top Guns: Do we want to trade for him? Hell no. But 80 percent of his expiring contract will be paid by insurance companies, so if Portland can dump him quickly, Szczerbiak's contract becomes the most attractive expiring deal out there. Let the offers roll in!

Risky Business: Hopefully the Blazers don't wait until 2:59 p.m. EST on Thursday to trade him.

Cruise rating:

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

This is the Sound of Me Smirking

I remember reading ESPN's college basketball preview edition and chuckling to myself about Hasheem Thabeet's quotes regarding other outstanding big men in college basketball, specifically Tyler Hansbrough and Luke Harangody. The quotes were brash, brazen, and mainly disrespectful to the reigning National and Big East POY's. Funny thing was, I agreed with some of it. Hansbrough is perpetually overrated, despite what Dick Vitale wants to tell you. Harangody will get his 27 and 12, except it'll take him 26 shot attempts to get there. In a lot of ways, he's like a white, tall, lurpy Allen Iverson. So Thabeet was probably right to go after those guys. He didn't, however, have anything to say about DeJuan Blair. Probably because he didn't know who he was. Jim Calhoun is notorious for bad-mouthing Pitt, even as they beat his team, so it wouldn't be surprising if the same dismissive attitude permeated his players.

It's safe to say that if Thabeet had dissed Blair in print, DeJuan would have gone for about 45-40 last night. If Thabeet was the clear choice for Big East POY before last night, doesn't Blair have to now be in the driver's seat if he simply reaches his averages each game the rest of the year? I can't honestly think of a bigger statement game by a college player this year. Yeah, Blake Griffin goes nuts nightly, but he's playing JV teams compared to the minefield that is the Big East. Jodie Meeks has scored approximately 378 points five separate times, but again, the SEC has all of one ranked team, and it ain't Meeks' Kentucky Wildcats.

So let's assume Blair finishes strong and wins the award like he should. Can we also safely assume that if the man stays out of foul trouble in the post-season that Pitt will at least make the Final Four? I think we can. He's that good--good enough that I hope he doesn't leave for the NBA after this year. You can bet the scouts were drooling over him last night in spite of the fact that he's maybe 6'6 1/2", tops.

This post is nothing more than a rambling expression of my growing man-crush on Blair. I was going to try and write some big-time, shit-talking missive about how Pitt rulz and all that, but then I realized that they'll get a chance to prove it all over again on March 7. Keep Carolina/Duke, Dickie V, I'll take this shit any day of the week.

Monday, February 16, 2009

I Hate My LIfe, or the Pittsburgh Pirates Pitchers and Catchers Preview

Unlike MomJeans, who has legitimate reason to be excited about his team, which is at least perpetually interesting and perenially relevant, if not championship material every year, I'm stuck with the Pirates. Let's dive right into this pit of endless despair and look at pitchers and catchers.

(I've also come up with this handy color-coding system to give you an even better impression of where this bunch stands.)

Red--Good player, lot of potential.
Green--Guy that could have a comeback year, or could backslide again. Easily the most crucial color.
Blue--Lingering like a stale fart.
Yellow--I wouldn't trust him with my toast, let alone my life.
Brown--Dead weight.
Orange--I know nothing about this guy.

Catchers:

Ryan Doumit--Nickname used to be "No-mitt." Thankfully, he's gotten better in that department, and he can flat out rake from both sides, especially the left, which is convenient given PNC Park's short porch in right. If he stays healthy, which is a big fat "if," he could go .310-30-100. One of the few bright spots, and possibly the only guy I'll write this much about.

Robinzon Diaz--Honest to God, there's like 6 other guys listed as catchers on the roster, including Evan Meek, one of the Pirates' worst ideas ever, but Diaz gets the nod because he has a number assigned to him. Like I said, let's hope Doumit stays healthy.

Starting Pitchers:

Paul Maholm--Next to Doumit and outfielder Nate McLouth, he might be the only positive story on this team. Maholm pitched way better than his record would suggest last year, and was clearly established as the Pirates' ace by the end of the year. He's a crafty lefty and appears to have the mental makeup of something other than a five-year old.

Ian Snell--Was "quietly" bumped up into virtual-lock status for the rotation this year. I'm a fan of this only because the guy is a bulldog competitor who wants to win in the worst way AND has filthy stuff. Still, he needs to learn that most major league hitters won't be overpowered by a 94-mph fastball from a righty, and the ones that would be happen to play on his team.

Zach Duke--During his rookie season he went approximately 23-1 with a 1.75 ERA. Sadly, for a long time that year, my ERA estimation was pretty close to accurate. Since, he's fallen off the wagon, and into a never-ending box of jelly donuts. Pitched decently at times last year, and also "quietly" moved into near-lock status for the rotation, but he damn sure doesn't deserve it.

Phil Dumatrait--Like all Pirates pitchers, he hurt his arm last year and is still recovering. Might be a long-relief guy this year, but in a perfect world, he'd be a fourth or fifth starter. Has surprisingly decent stuff and seems to know how to pitch.

Ross Ohlendorf, Jeff Karstens, Tom Gorzelanny--Again, if all were right and good in Bradenton, Gorzo would destroy the other two and get the fifth spot. He was in the Paul Maholm slot going into last year, and just sucked. I mean, he fucking SUCKED. Apparently his conditioning program in the off-season really impressed the coaches, but he'll need to have taken an introduction to pitching program to really be a factor this year.

Relief Pitchers:

Sean Burnett--Lefty long-relief/sometime specialist guy who wants the ball and believes in himself. The Pirates need more guys with his fire, and less guys with his propensity for pouring gallons of gasoline on smoldering embers.

John Grabow--Very effective situational lefty, all-around solid pitcher, and a pretty good dude. Naturally, the Pirates are looking to deal him.

Tyler Yates--Righty version of Grabow, though not nearly as good. Prone to bouts of wildness. Should be on the trading block, but that would make too much sense. Nevertheless, he could be worse.

Craig Hansen--Awful, awful, awful. A 6'5" pile of suck. Amusingly enough, I'm pretty sure my ex-girlfriend was banging him when she lived in Boston. This alone would be enough to earn him a ticket to low Single A ball forever, but he should find his way there on merit anyway.

Romulo Sanchez--Latin spice version of Hansen, with the caveat that he could actually become good. Stay tuned.

Matt Capps--The Tyler Hansbrough of closers. Remarkably hittable, yet usually gets the job done, albeit in frightening fashion. When he blows up though, watch your house if it's within 3 miles of the field, there might be a ball in the front lawn with burn marks on it.

Pitching Coach:

Joe Kerrigan--Finally, someone with name recognition. I'm praying this guy can eke every last ounce of talent out of these guys, as it is the only chance the Pirates have of making it to the promised land that is 81-81, or, gasp! 82-80.

Coming up whenever DJMJ and I feel like it: Position players for both teams.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Dunkin' donuts

Several quick observations from Saturday's dunk contest, the showcase event of NBA All-Star Weekend:


Donut No. 1:

Props to Nate Robinson, who stands 5-foot-9 and has now won the contest twice. He's not Spudd Webb (who was barely half as tall as the hoop and jumped over cars for Christ's sake!), but that's an impressive display of athleticism.

Donut No. 2:

A 12-foot hoop? A foul-line jam? Come on, D12. Too much theatrics, not enough originality.

Donut No. 3:

I'm sick of these dunks where the real achievement is on the part of someone else. A couple years ago, Steve Nash headed a ball to Amare Stoudemire, who got mad points for the jam when he didn't really do anything. Tonight, Pau Gasol bounced a perfect pass off the backboard (on the 18,650th attempt) to Rudy Fernandez, who grabbed it and slammed it home from under the hoop. Weak.

Donut No. 4:

J.R. Smith is one of the NBA's top leapers, but we didn't get to see that tonight because Sonny Weems apparently paid Smith his last 10 game checks for an hour in the spotlight.

Donut No. 5:

Chris Tucker was courtside for All-Star Saturday Night. Looked like he should lay off the donuts.

Donut No. 6:

Dwight Howard won the dunk contest last year dressed as Superman. So Robinson wore a "krypto-Nate" outfit with a "krypto-Nate" ball. Game. Set. Match.

Donut No. 7:

LeBron said he's entering the dunk contest next year in Dallas. There will be no survivors.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

It's Tribe time

On the gorgeous sandbanks of Goodyear, Arizona, the Cleveland Indians are back at it. Pitchers and catchers report today, thus beginning the quest for the 2009 AL Central crown and kicking off a scorching run of Tribe posts on this blog.

Odd-numbered years have been very good to the Indians this decade. 2001 was the last AL Central title for the '90s crew and the first for general manager Mark Shapiro. 2003 sucked, but we won 93 games in 2005 and then won the AL Central in 2007 and came within a whiff of beating both the Yankees and Red Sox in the same postseason to reach the World Series.

Last year was disappointing, but we caught fire in the second half to finish 81-81. C.C. Sabathia's gone, having signed an economy-crippling contract in New York, so here's a quick look at the pitchers and catchers that are going to put us back on top of the division:

Starters:

Cliff Lee - All that is man

Fausto Carmona - Must avoid injuries to return to '07 form

Carl Pavano - Cost-effective experiment at No. 3

Anthony Reyes - ERA is low, injury risk is high

Aaron Laffey - Must prove that '07 stretch run wasn't a fluke


Potential starters:

Jeremy Sowers - Ex-DJMJ whipping boy looked good during second half of '08

Scott Lewis - Red-hot lefty killed it during four September starts

David Huff - Shot up through the minors, MLB debut likely coming soon

Zach Jackson - Provides depth and competition for others


Bullpen:

Kerry Wood - Effective fireball closer probably won't avoid DL entirely

Rafael Perez - Great left-handed reliever needs a bounceback year

Rafael Betancourt - Will we get '07 Righty Raffy or first-half-of-'08 Right Raffy?

Jensen Lewis - Reliable reliever and second option at closer

Joe Smith - If he can pitch well out of the Mets' bullpen, he can do it for anyone

Masa Kobayashi - Inconsistency must stop if he wants another Major League contract

Adam Miller - Top prospect in the organization might finally make his big-league debut

Rich Rundles - Has value as another lefty in the pen


Catchers:

Victor Martinez - Baseball's best offensive catcher needs to stay healthy

Kelly Shoppach - Baseball's best back-up catcher will lighten the load on V-Mart

Carlos Santana - Prize of the Casey Blake trade won't be in Akron for long

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Self-indulgence!

(To the tune of "America, Fuck Yeah" from Team America)

Dee-Jaaay Moooom-jeeeeans
DEE-JAAAY MOOOOM-JEEEEANS

D-J M-J, FUCK YEAH
Kickin' some ass on his motherfuckin' birthday
D-J M-J, FUCK YEAH
Blogdom is the only way yeah

Family!
FUCK YEAH
Friends!
FUCK YEAH
Cleveland!
FUCK YEAH
LeBron James!
FUCK YEAH
Penn State!
FUCK YEAH
Sportswriting!
FUCK YEAH
Hot chicks!

FUCK YEAH
Cocktail!
FUCK YEAH

The Dark Knight!
FUCK YEAH
Heath Ledger!
FUCK YEAH
California!
FUCK YEAH
Jim Kirk!
FUCK YEAH
Pontiacs!
FUCK YEAH
Whiskey!
FUCK YEAH
24!
FUCK YEAH
The TV show!
FUCK YEAH
Tax season!
FUCK YEAH
Las Vegas!
FUCK YEAH
Vizio!
FUCK YEAH
The Gallaghers!
FUCK YEAH
Tenacious D!
FUCK YEAH
Subway!
FUCK YEAH
Money!
FUCK YEAH
Guitar Hero!
FUCK YEAH

Joey Crawford can suck my ass



Vulgar, I know. And I don't give a shit.

I also don't accuse refs of winning or losing games. Blaming referees is the deus ex machina of stupid sports fans. I never do it, and I rarely bitch about them. And if you don't believe me, again, I don't give a shit.

But I'm going to bitch about them now. Joey Crawford in particular.

First, a little clarification of my argument. In the NBA, there are two people that get the spoils: the aggressor and the superstar. The Mavericks lost in the NBA Finals three years ago not because they got shafted by the refs, but because the Heat (Dwyane Wade in particular) were the aggressors for the last three and a half games of that series. If you sit back and play like a pussy, you're not going to get calls. That's just how it is. The superstars also get the calls, because the NBA is as star-driven as any league gets. Kobe Bryant is going to get whistles in crunch time that Patrick O'Bryant is not. And it's been that way for a couple decades now, so teams have to adjust. It rarely fluctuates.

Not rarely enough.

On Tuesday night, Joey Crawford made an awful call against LeBron James, a call that resulted in the winning point being scored by the Pacers. It was atrocious. Preposterous. Possibly nefarious. In simple terms, it was the worst call I've ever seen against a Cleveland Cavalier. Yeah, that bad.

I'm not sure how long the highlight video will be on the net, so watch it here as soon as possible. The play is an inbound alley-oop intended for Danny Granger with 0.2 seconds left, and LeBron clearly has position on Granger and knocks the ball away. It's an under-thrown pass that both players are going for, and if anything, Granger is guilty of an over-the-back.

Not in Crawford's eyes. Crawford has never been afraid to rub the game's best coaches and players the wrong way, and he certainly did that tonight. His whistle sent Granger to the line, and to Granger's credit, he won the game with a clutch free throw.

Problem is, he shouldn't have been taking those fucking free throws in the first place. Mike Brown speculated that that Crawford's decision was a make-up call for what he felt was a bad call by Bennie Adams immediately beforehand. That call, also viewable in the highlight above, was made against Granger on a similar alley-oop attempt to LeBron, who made the game-tying free throws because of it. But Granger was clearly face guarding LeBron on the play, and there was a considerable bump at the hip.

It was the definition of a call that could go either way, and like I said before, when a call can go either way, it almost always goes to the superstar. Granger is an All-Star and great young talent, but he's not LeBron, especially on a night when James blows up for 47 points on 71 percent shooting and Granger scores 16 points at a 28 percent clip.

What does it all mean? Well, if the foul hadn't been called on LeBron, the game would have gone to overtime, and I'm not going to sit here and tell you for sure that the Cavs would have won. This was just one of those hard-fought division games that shouldn't be decided on bullshit whistles in favor of second-tier stars.

The reactions of LeBron James and Mike Brown tell the story, too. LeBron is visibly dispondent after the play. Most of the time, he barks at the referees like a pitbull until he gets what he wants. This time, he just sat there in disbelief.

Brown was not so quiet. He called it "the worst call that I have ever been a part of" and admitted he didn't care if he got fined for griping. "This isn't me. I never do this." We know, coach.

To top it off, that call ripped away the distinction that pleased me most about the Cavs this season. Sure, the 12-game unholy destruction streak was awesome and the home record is hotter than Lucy Pinder. But for the first time all season, we lost back-to-back games. That speaks to this team's resiliency.

LeBron didn't get much help tonight, and we ended up shooting 14 more free throws than Indiana, so I'm not going to blame the refs for the outcome. It was just one bad call made at the single most inopportune time.

For that, Joey Crawford can suck my ass.

Monday, February 9, 2009

"What the Hell?" for 500, Alex

I'm sorry, is it me? Did I do something wrong? Did I make a mistake over the past couple weeks that deserves to be thrown in my face like this? I don't think I did. I haven't gone out of my way to be a great samaritan, but I haven't done anything bad, either.

And yet here I sit, having just endured a sports week that included the following:

- The Steelers win the Super Bowl, just when it looked like they were going to lose

- Santonio Holmes mocks LeBron James after scoring the winning touchdown

- The Cavs play at Madison Square Garden, so all the LeBron-to-New York talk kicks back up

- Mo Williams is passed over AGAIN for an All-Star spot by David Stern

- LeBron has his historic 50-point triple-double taken away when the league office rules (and rightfully so) that one of his rebounds should have gone to Ben Wallace

- The Lakers ruin the Cavs' perfect home record

Did I miss something? I'm not used to experiencing that much heartbreak and buffoonery this time of year. Are the Browns still playing?

In either case, I hope this shit stops soon. It's my birthday on Wednesday, and I'm in no mood to spend it watching LeBron tear his ACL after hearing that Eric Mangini cut Shaun Rogers with a bunch of people chanting "Here we go Stillers" outside my apartment.

Fin.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

The Draft Picks of Destiny



A long-ass fuckin' time ago in a town called Kickapoo
There lived a Laker family, Kobe through and through
But yay! There was a black sheep, and he knew just what to do

His name was young L-B and he refused to step in line
A vision he did see of fucking winning all the time
He turned the Cavs around and oh the planets did align

Oh the Lakers' balls were blazin' as he stepped into their cave
And he sliced their fucking heads off with a long and shiny blade
'Twas he who slayed the Lakers, slayed the Kobe, slayed the Luke
And if you try to fuck with him, then HE SHALL FUCK YOU TOO

GOTTA GET IT ON AND THE PARTY'S ON
I GUESS WE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT THE PARTY'S ON

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Scott Boras is a Shitbag

Scott Boras on A-Rod's positive test for two different anabolic steroids in 2003 (by the way, Boras said he had heard of no positive tests):

"In a worst-case scenario, if that were true, it was one season and since then Alex has gotten the Good Housekeeping seal the last 5 years."

If you've just killed three small children just for kicks, then hacked them up and dumped them in the ocean, and you want to feel good about yourself, just dig up a record of Scott Boras' best quotes. I promise you'll feel better in no time.

Friday, February 6, 2009

All-Star Bale-out



Hi, I'm Mo Williams, point guard of the Cleveland Cavaliers. Over the past few days, a lot has been made of my not getting selected to the Eastern Conference All-Star team. I didn't get voted as a starter by the fans, then the coaches didn't choose me as a reserve, and when Magic point guard Jameer Nelson suffered a shoulder injury that prevented him from playing in the game, NBA commissioner David Stern opted to add a third Celtic instead of a second Cav.

My teammates have my back, and the Cleveland fans and media have voiced their disagreement as well. All this support is really flattering, but like I said last week, it's not a big thing for me. I'll use it as motivation to prove to everyone how good I am, and how good we are as a team.

Since everyone has been so adamant in their support, however, I feel it would be a disservice to ignore the love. Therefore, I brought in someone to argue on my behalf who can get Mr. Stern's attention.


I'll kick your FUCKING ASS, Stern! THINK for ONE SECOND! What the FUCK are you DOING? Are you PROFESSIONAL or NOT? Am I gonna walk around and run your FUCKING LEAGUE? WHAT THE FUCK IS IT WITH YOU? You got any fucking idea about "Hey, that's FUCKING DISTRACTING!" Fuck's sake, man, you're an amateur! This is the SECOND TIME you don't give a FUCK about what's going on in Cleveland! You're unbelievable, man. You're un-FUCKING-believable! Do you WANT me to go TRASH your league? DO YOU WANT ME TO FUCKING TRASH IT? You do NOT get it! You and I are DONE professionally!

FUCKIN' ASS!

Uber Mwnage

Three cheers for Celtics guard Ray Allen, who was selected Thursday by NBA commissioner David Stern to fill the final Eastern Conference All-Star spot. That spot was left vacated when Magic point guard Jameer Nelson dislocated his shoulder Monday night, and Ray went out and celebrated the achievement the best way he knew how.

By missing the game-winning shot!


Never mind the fact that Ray got a shitty excuse for a screen from Glen Davis on the play, or that the Lakers probably fouled him before the jumper. No, the story here is that (obligatory He Got Game reference!) Jesus Shuttlesworth missed a potential game-winning shot the same night he slid onto the East's All-Star roster.

His selection means three Celtics will play in Phoenix, and before Nelson's injury, Orlando had three players going as well.

But the Cavs, who currently have the best winning percentage in the conference?

Just one.

For some reason, Stern neglected to give the final spot to Cavs point guard Mo Williams, whose numbers are right on par with Allen's in every major statistical category. He's also ignoring the biggest difference: the 12 MORE WINS we have at this point compared to last year.

I'll cut my rambling short. I honestly don't care all that much, because every time someone gives the Cavs the disrespect card, they start smoking teams left and right. But I will say this. The most glaring example of the egregiousness of Stern's decision might be reflected in tomorrow's Plain Dealer, where Brian Windhorst, one of the NBA's most unbiased beat writers, openly acknowledges that Williams has been "snubbed" and "slighted."

Enough monkey business with Boston. The Lakers are 5-0 on their current six-game roadie, and the grand finale is Sunday's tilt at the Q.

23-0. Bring that shit the fuck on.