Thursday, July 31, 2008

So it hits

Boy, did you see that Indians-Tigers game Wednesday night? The game Detroit won 14-12 in 13 innings? The one where the Tribe was occasionally amazing but mostly abominable? The thriller that lasted well past 12:30 a.m. Eastern Standard Time? You can barely put games like that into one word. I mean....shit.(1)

All those people at
Jacobs Field probably felt like shit(2), especially considering the Tribe had Cliff Lee going on the mound and the '08 Tigers hadn't been able to touch his shit(3). Well, after we built an 8-1 lead through three innings, shit(4) really hit the fan. Our sticks returned to their normally impotent selves, and Lee inexplicably began to pitch like shit(5). His shitty(6) line included six earned runs on 10 hits, which probably left him murmuring in the dugout "at least I've got a cute family n' shit(7)."

Wife and kids look adorable, Cliff looks like he's gotta shit(8)

Not long after General Cliff Lee left the game, our bullpen -- or bullshit(9), if you will -- trotted out its first attempt to babyshit(10) our two-run lead. Sure enough, Jensen Lewis walked the only batter he faced and gave way to Rafael Perez, who pitched the living shit(11) out of his spotless 1 2/3 innings, although he did commit an error that allowed a run to score.

We built our lead back to 11-7 entering the eighth, and Eric Wedge phoned our bullshit(12) and asked, "Who's the shittiest(13) pitcher we've got available?" The answer was Edward Mujica, who grew up in the country of Venezuela and gave us a performance beshitting(14) of our 2008 season.

See, Mujica retired the first two shitty(15) Tigers he faced, and once the lineup turned over, he got dropped like a shit(16) during the Ex-lax World Series. Four hits and four runs later, the game was tied and Mujica's night was over.

Uhhh, Eddie, you've got some shit(17) in your teeth

So Mujica was replaced by Masa Kobayashi, who promptly collected the third out by shitting(18) on Gary Sheffield like he shat(19) on us during the Latino Series. That exchange turned out to be a figshit(20) of our imagination, because Kobayashi promptly loaded the bases in the ninth, and Placido Polanco (who shares his name with a pharmaceutical drug for people who've got the shits(21)) hit a sacrifice fly to give the Tigers a 12-11 lead.

Well it wasn't no thang to Kelly Shoppach, who told a Fernando Rodney offering to eat shit(22) and tied the game to force extra innings. In fact, Shoppach's homer was his fifth extra-base hit of the night, which tied a Major League record and made a bunch of fans in attendance go "SHIT!"(23)

(In fact, I recall that my first post on this shitty(24) blog said that Shoppach was a valuable player who could start for 20 other Major League teams.)

Boy, do I know my shit(25)

Andy Gonzalez, however, couldn't start for 20 other Single-A teams, as evidenced by his shitty(26) at-bat in the bottom of the 10th, when the Tribe loaded the bases and brought up Gonzalez for a pinch-shit(27) strikeout that ended the inning.

After a pair of solid innings from Rafael Betancourt, Wedge again went to his bullshit(28) and chose Juan Rincon, who pitched a scoreless 12th before shitting(29) his pants in the 13th. The shit(30) stains read like this: a single by Carlos Guillen, a single by Curtis Granderson, an RBI groundout by Prescription Polanco, a single by Matt Joyce, and an RBI throwing error by Gonzalez.

Meanwhile, the Indians left the bases juiced in the 12th, which has been a flagshit(31) occurrence this season. Our last chance resulted in Asdrubal Cabrera reaching second before the last two batters were shat(32) down by first-ballot Hall-of-Shitter(33) Casey Fossum.

Fossum rhymes with awesome...holy shit!(34)

As I watched our bullshit(35) surrender lead after lead tonight, I could only think of how fed up I am, seeing as how this kind of shit(36) has become commonplace in 2008. I was ready to unleash my wrath in the blog. This was going to be Creative Differences' World War Shit (37), its shittron(38) bomb, its Hiroshitma(39).

Fortunately, I curtailed my emotions and got my shit(40) together. I'm a fan. This is what I do. I stick around through all the shit(41). If great seasons are like great movies, I've watched a few. If average seasons are like average movies, I've seen plenty. And if bad seasons are like snuff movies, I've even seen one of those.


So here's to the Tribe, no matter how many times your shitty(42) performances force me to shit(43) like the shit-faced(44) shit(45) demon people become after 2 a.m. Taco Bell.

Now let's come out Thursday and make up for this shit(46).

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Sit by and Watchmen Fleece Us

The fans will look up and shout, "Please make a fucking trade that returns more than pennies on the dollar when it involves our most desirable bargaining chip," and I'll whisper, "No."

Monday, July 28, 2008

Casey at the Fat

Let's hear it for Squeelers defensive tackle Casey Hampton, the rotund center of Pukesburgh's 3-4 defense who gobbles up blockers and, apparently, whole pastry shops. See, Squeelers coach Mike Tomlin placed Hampton on the Physically Unable to Perform List, not because he's hurt, not because of a family emergency, but because he couldn't finish a conditioning test at camp.

So you'd think it'd be something really arduous, like a course or drill that tests things like strength, speed, stamina, explosion, agility and instincts all at once. You'd think. Instead, ol' Big Snack couldn't finish eight separate 100-yard sprints. I'd bet Hampton 30 sliders that anyone who's ever played high school-level sports could do that, but I'd apparently be mistaken.

In any case, the Tomlinator won't stand for this, and neither would I. The Squeelers are renowned for their work ethic and attitude, and Hampton's situation isn't funny, so you won't see me post any pictures just to mock him.


Nope, as much as I hate the Steelers, you won't get me to bite.


There will be no pictures insinuating anything about his weight problem.


Not a chance.


However, Casey Hamburger is now more appealing to the franchise's typical female fans.


So cheer up, Squeelers nation. The Tomlinator can still whip Casey Hampton into shape, and Hampton can still return to camp and move back into the crater he creates at nose tackle. The real problems are on the offensive line, anyway.

And even if the defensive line struggles, I won't point any fingers.


I guarantee it.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Man Takes on Car: Sadly, Car Cannot Finish Job

Little nuggets like this make me very happy that I have marginally functional lobes in my sizable cranium. The Melbourne police obviously feel the same way. To wit:

"Police are dismayed at the utter stupidity of a man who decided to play chicken on the Tullamarine Freeway," the statement said.

Ahh, to be young and carefree and unconcerned with running across freeways in my underwear again.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Stay of Execution

Like the Sword of Damocles, my withering rant about the Succos is going to loom over the team (I'm sure they'll be intimidated by this knowledge), and it will go up after their next loss. Sweeping a horrendous Houston Astros team does nothing to win any goodwill with me.



This picture was the lucky seventh result I got when doing a Google image search for "Sword of Damocles," so there you have it.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Carson Palmer is my BFF

Even though Carson Palmer plays for our division rival, it's hard not to like this guy. He's respectable, because he never bought into the shit-talking brand of Bengals. He's admirable, because he's been on the cusp of that Brady/Manning level for years. And he's sympathetic, because he was the victim of a vicious attack by Kimo von Oelhauffjdkjfwapoen three years ago in the playoffs.

An "accident".... just like Kimo's birth

But none of that makes him BFF material. No, he didn't become my BFF until Monday, July 21, 2008, when an interview he did for a Los Angeles-based sports talk show came to my attention...

Host: Speaking of college, Carson, you're a couple-hundred miles away, but I assume that being in the state of Ohio, you've gotta kind of watch what you say with the old Ohio State-USC battle coming up, or you just not give a damn? And you're gonna say -

BFF: I don't watch what I say. I cannot stand the Buckeyes, and having to live in Ohio and hear those people talk about their team, it drives me absolutely nuts. We finally, now we've got Keith Rivers out there, and we got Frostee Rucker. We've finally got a couple of other SC guys, but it's amazing to hear what those guys think about that university and what they think about that football program, and Tressel, and all the crap I gotta put up with being back there. I just can't wait for two years from now, when SC comes to the 'Shoe, and I get to hopefully, hopefully we'll have a home game that weekend and I can go up there and watch us pound on them on their own turf, and kind of put all the talk to rest because I'm really getting sick of it, and I just can't wait for this game to get here so they can come out to the Coliseum and experience LA and get an old-fashioned PAC-10 butt-whoopin' and go back to the Big Ten.

Host: So, you're a little excited about it?

BFF: I can't wait.


As a native Ohioan who can't stand the ridiculous fanaticism associated with Ohio State football, I hear every word of what Carson Palmer said. There are plenty of cool Buckeye fans, but there's also an abnormally large amount of rabid peckerfaces who repel as many fans as they attract. They're diehards even if they never attended a class at OSU, and they think that all of Ohio is like them. They don't believe in ever leaving Ohio because they think it's the greatest thing in the world. Other than the rednecks of Pennsylvania and natives of Los Angeles, these are the most sheltered people I've ever met.

The man on the left is known as "King Nut".... sometimes these things write themselves

I have plenty of friends who go to Ohio State, and the campus is a very nice downtown Columbus locale. Plus, Ohio State's cutie quotient has always been underrated. After Ohio University, it's the second-hottest campus in the state.

Sorry, Miami, very few sorostitutes here

But the fact remains that Ohio State will always be synonymous with Buckeye football, and Buckeye football will always be synonymous with cretinism. Don't blame Carson Palmer for speaking the truth, Buckeye fans, and don't be so afraid of (gasp!) traveling around the country and broadening your horizons.

Oh, and one more thing...



WE ARE...

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Ledger entry

It gives me unrequited pleasure to award Heath Ledger as the first (and last?) actor to ever:

a) Hit on Jake Gyllenhaal in a movie...


b) Hit on Maggie Gyllenhaal in a movie...


Way to go, Heath!

(I can't take credit for this notion. I read it in a review of The Dark Knight by an author I've since forgotten, so if that critic is somehow out there reading this blog, first of all, props for noticing something like that, and second of all, thanks for reading this insignificant blog.)

Friday, July 18, 2008

Look on my works, ye mighty...

I saw The Dark Knight in glorious IMAX this morning, but it's NOT a movie you only see once, so sorry folks, no post on it until I see it again tomorrow (at least).

Attached to the movie, however, is the first trailer for Watchmen, the film adaptation of the graphic novel due next March. Here's a link:

http://www.apple.com/trailers/wb/watchmen/high.html


If you haven't heard of Watchmen, do yourself a favor and shell out $20 for a copy (you'll get your money's worth - it's 10 times longer than most graphic novels). It won the Hugo Award, and it was named one of Time Magazine's top 100 novels since 1923.

Written by Alan Moore and drawn by Dave Gibbons, Watchmen takes place in an alternate 1985 where superheroes exist, Richard Nixon is still president and tensions between the United States and Soviet Union are escalating by the minute. Superheroes have been outlawed unless they work for the government, and when one is murdered, the vigilante Rorschach's investigation sets the story in motion. Believe me, they invented the term "tip of the iceberg" for a synopsis like that.

I've had my reservations about this project since day one. Forgetting the fact that Watchmen is a wholly unadaptable graphic novel in the first place, the director is Zack Snyder, the same guy who made 300 all machismo and no grace. Despite the fact he's a fan of the book, and despite rumors of him using the novel as a "storyboard" and traveling around with a copy to "annotate its pages", I seriously doubt he can do more than replicate its look and orchestrate its ultraviolence. The prevailing ideology, the question of who or what governs these heroes - i.e. "who watches the Watchmen?" - is something that belongs in the hands of a director like David Fincher, not Snyder.

The cast is largely unknowns, but they aren't particularly talented unknowns, and a running time shorter than The Dark Knight suggests this is going to be a monumental failure.

The new trailer has done nothing to assuage those fears. Sure, it looks great. Sure, it sounds great. Sure, the rabid fan in me is thrilled to see it on screen. But the surface is all Snyder seems to offer. (And the song playing over it is "The Beginning is the End is the Beginning" by Smashing Pumpkins, which was on the soundtrack of Batman & Robin. Harbinger?)

Time to prove me wrong, Mr. Snyder. And legions of fans, too.

Never surrender, even in the face of a Watchmen movie

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

All-Star Game Wrap-up

Nate McLouth is the fucking balls. (Good stuff starts at the 1:05 remaining mark)

I don't care who won. He is the B-A-L-L-S.

That is all. Your Pirates rant is coming, so calm your worried soul, readers.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

No More Joking Around

It’s finally here. The ultimate comic book movie. The comic book movie that will define comic book movies for years to come. Enough with obscure superheroes like Iron Man, CGI storms like Hellboy, blasé graphic novels like “Wanted” and giant douchebags like the Hulk. This is a franchise that’s drawing on the best source material the character has to offer. This is a world without rules, a story without peers, an epic without limits.

Ladies and gentlemen, Batman’s back to steamroll summer movie season.

This town is MINE now!

When I first saw Batman Begins three summers ago, I simply couldn’t contain my excitement. As soon as I left the theater, I ended up calling my parents to sing its praises, but really I was speaking to anyone who’d listen as I walked down the street. It was faithful yet inventive, busy but not sloppy, dark yet optimistic. Superhero movies had waited years for a dark character to be given this kind of treatment, but Bat-fans had waited our whole lives.

Finally, Batman was placed in the hands of filmmakers responsible enough to do him justice –- most notably, director Christopher Nolan and screenwriter David Goyer. This wasn’t a degenerate spectacle with A-list villains who stole the show. This was a serious take on the character, impressively mounted and drawing heavily from Frank Miller’s graphic novel “Batman: Year One”, one of the best Batman stories ever written. Its influence could be felt as Bruce Wayne confronted the anger and fear within himself, made the commitment to clean up a crime-infested Gotham, found a symbol to wield his power, and formed an alliance with a young policeman named Jim Gordon.

This isn’t classical Batman by any stretch of the imagination, and it’s time detractors of Batman Begins understood that. Batman isn’t a childish character, so the filmmakers aren’t going to treat him like one. He’s also no longer a character who sits above us on a pedestal. He’s not a caped crusader who does battle with a group of colorful wackos. This is a raw Batman plunging into the depths of an urban hell, and he doesn’t have all the answers. When he rips up building after building evading police in the tumbler Batmobile, it’s because he’s still learning how to be Batman. When he extracts information from Detective Flass, he doesn’t do it with a stately dip in his voice. He does it with a vengeful growl, no doubt a product of Miller’s other milestone graphic novel, the ultra-gritty “The Dark Knight Returns.”

Now that Nolan and co. have claimed Gotham City on their terms, it’s time to continue the story of a man irreversibly dedicated to bringing justice to the streets.

And that means all bets are off.

You’ve changed things…forever.

One of the best scenes in Batman Begins is the perfect rooftop finale, during which Gary Oldman’s Lieutenant Gordon mentions “escalation” as a new problem confronting Gotham.

His explanation is simple: “We start carrying semiautomatics, they buy automatics. We start wearing Kevlar, they buy armor-piercing rounds. And you’re wearing a mask, and jumping off rooftops.”

Gordon’s implications are much broader. Again, this Gotham City is not rooted in the early 20th century, with old-fashioned sensibilities and a mundane class of criminal. This is a sprawling, morbidly galvanized metropolis that has no idea how to react to Batman’s sudden appearance. The good people (lawmakers, police) and bad people (mobsters, thieves) have been bleeding together for so long that the idea of an independent force trying to restore order is sheer lunacy. It’s crazy enough to drive criminals to desperation, crazy enough to give birth to a man whose sole purpose is absolute disorder (more on that later).

On a different note, it drives splinters through the good forces. As allegiances are drawn, there are now fault lines among the bureaucrats, the cops and the Batman that, if pressed, could result in the collapse of what they fight for.

This uneasy alliance is personified in the first of four components that are critical to The Dark Knight, and could ultimately make it the best comic book movie of all time.

One day, the Batman will have to answer for the laws he’s broken…

The three-headed monster of justice

Nolan and Goyer cite Jeph Loeb’s graphic novel “Batman: The Long Halloween” as another chief influence on their vision of the character. The story has many levels to it, but one of the most important is the deteriorating partnership between Batman, Commissioner Gordon and District Attorney Harvey Dent, who represent three very different kinds of justice.

Batman is a shadowy vigilante whose goals benefit everyone, but whose methods benefit himself and himself alone. Gordon is an honest, dedicated public servant who does what he can within the rules, but looks the other way when Batman crosses the boundaries he can’t. Dent also operates under the rules, but sits on a glossier perch than Gordon. As the gatekeeper of Gotham’s very structure, Dent makes sure that no one is above the law, even if his intentions appear noble.

In “Batman: The Long Halloween”, these three perceptions of law and order come into conflict when a mysterious killer begins eliminating underworld figures on holidays. The rest of the book had a marginal influence on Batman Begins, but this triumvirate will show up big time in The Dark Knight when hell is unleashed on Gotham, forcing them to compromise what they believe to prevent the city from tearing itself apart.

This journey won’t be without casualties, either. It’s been revealed that over the course of the film, Dent will become Two-Face, another major player in “Batman: The Long Halloween” (more on that later). It’s likely this transformation will result from battling The Dark Knight’s primary antagonist, an interpretation both old and new of the most famous villain in comics.

I don’t want to kill you! What would I do without you?!

The REAL Joker

Over the years, the public’s conception of the Joker has become laughable, because his two most popular portrayals have been all kinds of wrong. Cesar Romero played him as a campy prankster on the old Adam West television series, and Jack Nicholson’s domineering depiction in Tim Burton’s Batman was 10 percent Joker and 90 percent wacky Jack.

Compared to that, Heath Ledger’s portrayal will be like a bullhorn in a library. His performance is already eliciting whispers of a posthumous Oscar nomination, and before his unfortunate passing, Ledger described his take as a “psychopathic, mass-murdering, schizophrenic clown with zero empathy.”

It’s no accident, either. Nolan and Goyer gave Ledger the richest source material to study, including the first two appearances of the Joker in the comics, which found him more low-key than flamboyant and emphasized his “burning, hate-filled eyes.” Ledger also read a pair of graphic novels, Grant Morrison’s wildly opulent and existential “Arkham Asylum: A Serious House on Serious Earth” and Alan Moore’s seminal book “The Killing Joke”, regarded by many as the best Batman story ever written (all the more ironic because Batman is an incidental character).

Transplanted into Nolan and Goyer’s Gotham, the Joker is the spawn of Batman’s crusade, a violently unpredictable, theatrically inclined super-criminal whose only use for order is to rally the nervous denizens into complete anarchy. He’s not given a backstory, because he doesn’t need one, and giving him one would be a pathetic sacrifice to moviegoing imbeciles. All that’s ever mattered is that the Joker is white to Batman’s black, the complete opposite of everything Batman stands for.

His appearance is suitably disturbing. With a nod to Sid Vicious and A Clockwork Orange, Ledger is thoroughly unrecognizable under the charred face paint and hideously scarred smile. His hair is grungy and his clothes are unkempt, which is emblematic of his goal to annihilate Gotham’s order and makes it seem eerily plausible that he simply materialized in a storm drain. Instead of boasting like an insane showman, Ledger’s voice is slight, implying that madness and ferocity are always around the corner.

To quote Paul Dini, one of the minds behind the excellent Batman: The Animated Series: “This Joker doesn’t split sides, he splits skulls.”

And as mentioned before, his scourge claims at least one significant casualty.

You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.

The destruction of Harvey Dent

Of all the villains in Batman’s peerless rogues gallery, none are more dramatically satisfying than Two-Face. The Joker is blatant, the Riddler is gimmicky, Catwoman is stupid and the Penguin, interestingly enough, is the only one that’s totally sane.

But the crown jewel in this set is Two-Face, who has more complexities than Poison Ivy has plants. He starts out as Harvey Dent, Gotham’s dashing and deft district attorney whose campaign against crime eventually corrals Sal “Boss” Maroni. During the trial, Maroni hurls acid on Dent’s face, which permanently scars him both physically and psychologically and turns him into Two-Face.

Early on, Two-Face’s crimes were usually harmless contraptions involving the number 2, but he was still too gruesome for younger readers and didn’t survive the Comics Code. Later stories -– among them, “Batman: The Long Halloween” –- retained the principles of his origin while adding layers of subtext and playing up the sense of tragedy.

Nolan and Goyer are taking a similar approach to Harvey Dent. Known for his all-American looks and ability to play good guys gone bad, Aaron Eckhart portrays Dent as the white knight of Gotham City, whose crusade ultimately leads to his disgusting transformation. He’s driven to the brink by all the elements in play: the war against the Joker, the anxious alliance with Batman, his growing relationship with co-worker Rachel Dawes (a character, by the way, who gains 100,000 brownie points in the hands of Maggie Gyllenhaal).

Once he reaches that brink, Dent will endure his physical transformation, and unlike most incarnations of the character, there won’t be anything glamorous about Two-Face. Nolan and Goyer are explicitly following his appearance in “Batman: The Long Halloween”, which finds his face eaten and decayed instead of colorful and grandiose. They’re also adapting the idea of Dent as a twisted vigilante, someone who’s “not a bad guy, not purely.”

They’re doing this because it’s a deeply involving arc, offering a caustic reminder that heroes are never too far from seeing themselves become the villain.

The movie’s success depends on another character who toes that line. You may have heard of him.

I’ve seen now what I have to become to stop men like him.

It's about Batman

Do you know why Batman Forever was the best of the first four Batman movies? Because it’s the only one that was about Batman! Do you know why the other three spiraled toward an eight-year hiatus? Because they weren’t about Batman! You can make all the arguments you want about the villains stealing the show (which definitely have merit), but charismatic enemies aren’t a problem as long as you’ve got your priorities in order. By and large, Tim Burton and Joel Schumacher didn’t have them in order. Christopher Nolan and David Goyer do.

No matter how much terror the Joker inflicts, no matter how hard Harvey Dent crashes, no matter what else happens, this film is GOING TO BE ABOUT BATMAN –- which is great, because there’s a world of fascinating stuff going on with him.

The conflict that resident Dark Knight Christian Bale finds the most interesting is the end of Batman’s crusade. When will it come? How will it come? Will it ever come? As we’ve seen in trailers, Bruce Wayne is already talking about a Gotham that doesn’t need Batman, and whenever he does that, you know things are about to get good. His point remains: how much can one man really do? How much is he obligated to do? Now that there are fewer criminals and more men like Harvey Dent and Jim Gordon, can Bruce Wayne finally return to a normal life?

The answer, of course, is no. He’s on the outs with Rachel Dawes, who doesn’t want to be dragged back into his pain. He’s a billionaire with all the women in the world, but as long as he’s Batman, he can never get close to anyone other than his butler Alfred and Wayne Enterprises CEO Lucius Fox (played with veteran vigor by Michael Caine and Morgan Freeman, respectively). As long as he’s Batman, the normal life he hopes for can never be. As the Joker asks him, “Does it depress you, how alone you really are?”

Once the Ace of Knaves shows up and goes right at Batman, Bruce Wayne is forced to confront his values, the very fiber of why he chose to become Batman in the first place. He now has the power to extinguish crime, but that doesn’t mean it will bring him relief. He stretches how far he’s willing to go to stop the Joker until, as he puts it, “Batman has no limits.” Unfortunately, and perhaps unknowingly, that obliteration of rules is exactly what the Joker is looking for.

Even if the Joker dies and Batman lives, neither of them really survives. That’s a major message of “The Killing Joke”, and I strongly suspect that’s how it’s going to go in The Dark Knight. This is not going to end pleasantly. At the beginning, Batman will look out the window at a promising Gotham, finally controlled by responsible authority figures and no longer in need of his efforts. At the end, Batman will be physically and emotionally destroyed, having watched the Joker plunge Gotham back into hell and deform the virtuous Harvey Dent in the process.

It would be a brave ending, to be sure, especially given the mass summer audience. But Nolan and Goyer are daring enough to do it. There won’t be a blissfully rewarding twist that sends everyone home happy, like Mary Jane’s runaway bride that stained the otherwise brilliant Spider-Man 2. There will only be Batman, a broken and battered hero who’s more alone than ever just as Gotham needs him the most.

That’s the stuff of legend. That’s the stuff that will lift The Dark Knight above all the other comic book fluff.

"I promise you, the dawn is coming..."

If The Dark Knight lives up to its considerable expectations, Christopher Nolan and David Goyer will never again pay for a meal in a comic book fan’s presence.

What they’re doing is something only we can truly appreciate. It’s not about duplicating the comics frame-for-freakin’-frame on screen. It’s about incorporating what made the comics popular in the first place and treating them with respect. Ra’s Al Ghul was not the same man as Henri Ducard, but that didn’t mean Nolan and Goyer couldn’t pull that wonderful misdirection trick in Batman Begins.

My buddy Colin from Chicago (location shoot shoutout!) has a theory that Harvey Dent is actually the one delivering a line attributed to the Joker in the first teaser trailer, and that twist could very well be true. As long as these liberties work, and as long as faithfulness isn’t thrown to the wind, it doesn’t matter.

What Nolan and Goyer are doing works, and as far as I’m concerned, they have free reign on Gotham.

Consider it a world without rules.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Creative Differences Tugs at Your Heartstrings

Enjoy this sad but damn good song by Ben Folds and the Western Australia Symphony Orchestra. There is some intense hate coming tomorrow.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Sayonara Sabathia

Cleveland and Milwaukee have a baseball sync. When snow pounded Cleveland early in the 2007 season, where did the Indians play? Milwaukee. When David S. Ward and the rest of the crew filmed game scenes for Major League, where did they shoot? Milwaukee. When the Braves franchise beat us in the 1995 World Series, what former city was courteous enough to let someone else be that asshole? Milwaukee.

There are good vibes with this deal, I can feel it. Now that we're clear on the terms of the Sabathia trade, here's a look at our new prospects.

Matt Laporta, OF
6-2, 210, R/R, 23 years old

LaPorta is the centerpiece of this deal. The Brewers drafted him No. 7 overall last year, and he's a fast-track player who might already be in Triple-A if Prince Fielder's presence hadn't forced him to the outfield. In a loaded Huntsville lineup, LaPorta has stood out this season with 20 homers, 23 doubles and 66 RBIs. I haven't checked the stats, but sans Grady Sizemore, that probably equals the production of the entire Indians roster.

The best: Has a chance to be the next Thome, Manny or Albert Belle

The worst: So did Russell Branyan

Zach Jackson, P
6-2, 220, L/L, 25 years old

The explanation for Jackson's inclusion is "to provide the Indians with some starting depth at Buffalo, where the rotation has worn thin because of injuries and callups." He made his Major League debut two summers ago, and has pitched in relief for the Brewers a few times. Jackson has an ERA of 7.85 with Triple-A Nashville this season, so he should hit it off with Tom Mastny.

The best: A reliable middle reliever

The worst: Nobody will take him in a trade

Rob Bryson, P
6-1, 200, R/R, 20 years old

Bryson's got a great fastball, a killer slider and the complete inability to throw any other pitch. He's much better against righties than lefties. His strikeout rate at age 20 in Class A is what you'd expect from a 24-year-old making their Major League debut. He doesn't walk anyone. He induces flyballs in his sleep. And Masa Kobayashi is 34 years old.

The best: CLOSER CLOSER CLOSER

The worst: Blows his arm out and loses his power

Taylor Green, 3B
5-10, 180, L/R, 21 years old

The last component is the "player to be named later", but the Tribe said it would be either Green or Huntsville centerfielder Michael Brantley, whose agent refuted the claim in Brantley's official blog the other day. (Even Rob Oller could do this math.) Green
has 10 homers and 54 RBIs at Class A Brevard County, and he's the Brewers' reigning Minor League Player of the Year, which is saying something in this crop.

The best: Fills a huge need at second or third base

The worst: Andy Mart
é 2.0

Friday, July 4, 2008

Off the Reservation

As someone who cares a hell of a lot more about the Cleveland Indians than you do, I've been disgusted with our gut-wrenching "play" lately. As I write this, the Tribe has now lost six games in a row, and this loyal Wahoo has seen enough. The time has come to air out my dirty teepee and take a definitive stance on all the significant issues facing both the organization and Tribe fans everywhere.

State of the Indians Address

C.C. Sabathia:

You claim you love it here. You claim you want to be an Indian as long as possible. Yet instead of accepting a four-year, $72 million extension before spring training, you decided to "rule out" talks until after the season. We're not stupid, Carston Charles. Don't tell us you're munching nutribars at the gym when you're slamming cookies in the kitchen. If what you say about the Indians is true, you would have agreed to an extension before the season and shed the pressure that sautéed your first few starts (and probably pushed your playing weight past 300 pounds).

You've been a great leader for our staff the past few seasons, and by all accounts, you're a nice guy. But since you clearly want the kind of long-term deal only three or four clubs can offer, we'll do our buddies in Milwaukee a solid and provide a 1-2 punch of Ben Sheets and C.C. Sabathia in exchange for third base demigod Taylor Green and a cache of top Huntsville prospects, including the corner outfielder/slugger we need in Matt LaPorta.

Besides, the last time we traded a hefty ace, we got a package that included Grady Sizemore and Cliff Lee. Toodles!

Not available in MLB '07 playoff mode

Deplorable offense:

Our putrid .247 batting average is only eight points from the cellar of Major League Baseball. As of July 5, 2008, we are below the American League average in no less than eight major categories. You know how Tom Hanks is a big Indians fan? Well I'll bet the lineup of Forrest Gump, Andrew Beckett, Allen Bauer, Scott Turner, John H. Miller, Sam Baldwin, Jim Lovell, Paul Edgecomb and Woody could hit better than the Tribe right now.

This is an unsettling trend, seeing as how we won 102 games last year with an OK offense that defined the term "timely hitting." In 2005 and 2006, we were near the top of the league in runs scored and batting average, and while we can trade for better bats, our farm system is way too good for the offense to hibernate like this.

In 2005, our assault on Chicago's 15-game lead began with the firing of hitting coach Eddie Murray. There's no way this team can do the same, but firing Derek Shelton is a nice start.

Bullpen:

Remember when I mentioned Woody from Toy Story? There's a great line in that movie where Mr. Potato Head asks, "Did you all take stupid pills this morning?" My question to Rafael Betancourt, Jensen Lewis,
Rafael Perez and Joe Borowski: Did you all take pitch-like-shit pills in the offseason?

There's no clear explanation why the four key figures of our dominant 2007 bullpen have been awful in 2008. Righty Raffy and Lefty Raffy are hanging fastballs out to dry, Lewis is pitching his way to Buffalo and JoeBo just became the first significant casualty of our haphazard underachieving. Before the season, people felt more confident in us than fellow division favorite Detroit because we had "more options" when it came to pitching. Well, soon-to-be closer Masa Kobayashi is the only reliever who's relieved diddly squat, and nobody else is stepping up.

My solution? Let the Raffys and Lewis pitch out the season, because what they gain from toughing it out will make them stronger, and all three figure into our future plans.

Cliff Lee:

Things weren't so hot for Clifton Phifer a year ago. He was sent down to the minors with a 5-8 record because he had no control and a surly attitude. Despite winning 18 games in 2005, the question remained if he'd ever pitch for us again.

Now, there's no doubt Lee should be starting for the American League in the All-Star Game. He's 11-1 with 93 strikeouts, 17 walks and an ERA just below Lindsay Lohan's BAC. Furthermore, he's started 16 games and could realistically be 15-1, because the bullpen flat-out wasted four of his starts (and because the Reds roughed him up in his one loss).

Cliff Lee has been a stud, and if he doesn't start the All-Star Game, it's a sham. After the season, we'll have to work on keeping him in Cleveland past 2009.

Too bad he never cries

Absent friends:

I'm talking about the baseball equivalent of role-players that aren't producing. Paul Byrd won 15 games as our fourth starter last year, and now that he can't use HGH, he won't win five. Asdrubal Cabrera came out of nowhere in 2007 to provide a great glove at second base and a reliable bat in the No. 2 spot. When he went down to Buffalo a month ago, his average was a plebeian .184, but he's been hitting .434 since then, and he can always brag to mommy about the unassisted triple play.

Ryan Garko, you need start eating BP for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Franklin Gutierrez, for a five-tool player, you sure can't hit for average or power. Ben Francisco, it's time to do more than smack meaningless home runs every once in awhile. Andy Marte, you can't hit major league pitching, so the experiment is over. Casey Blake...well, if we acquire Green, I hope we can re-sign you again and move you to first.

Injuries:


I didn't mention it earlier because frankly, it's no excuse. But when your No. 3 hitter, No. 4 hitter, No. 2 starter and No. 3 starter ALL go down in the span of a month, it's not easy to recover.

True, Victor Martinez and Travis Hafner were struggling at the plate when they got hurt. Jake Westbrook has struggled with injuries since winning 44 games from 2004-2006, and Fausto Carmona was struggling to not break batters' wrists with those nasty sinkers.

Organizations have to reload, though, especially intelligent ones like Cleveland that have a reputation for developing talent and spending smartly. So far in 2008, we haven't been able to overcome injury, and while it's not excusable, it is somewhat understandable.

Rob Oller:

This columnist for The Columbus Dispatch believes the Indians have reverted back to the crappy days, circa 1960-1993. Listen, Robbie, I admit the first three years of the Mark Shapiro era were pretty lean, but this is a team with plenty of talent locked up for awhile and a solid farm system. And if you equate winning an average of 82 games a year with finishing second-to-last or dead last in 33 of 34 seasons, your counting abilities are on par with FLS.

No more time will be spent on this dingleberry.

2 + 2 = 657!

Eric Wedge:

Finally, the manager is not on the chopping block. I don't care how badly the Indians have failed to live up to expectations. They certainly seem to lack motivation at times, but Wedge can't fix all that's gone wrong. Besides, it's only been eight months since he was named AL Manager of the Year, so firing him would set a piss-poor precedent.

Wedge is tough as nails, has a brain for baseball, and isn't afraid to make decisions. Regardless of the superior skill in MLB these days, guts still go a long way, and Wedge has them in spades.



On that note, I'll bring this State of the Indians Address to a close. I'm glad we're once again good enough to be livid with years like this. Now it's time to start competing.

Hell on Earth (or Ice)


Earlier today, everyone's favorite hockey team (besides the Cleveland Barons, of course) made a deal with a literal devil, instead of a figurative one. Religious connotations aside, I'm quite pleased with this development. Oh, and they also signed this guy, which seems like a decent move as well. Topping things off, they locked up the delicate flower for seven years as well. Very nice.

Satan (by the way, check out the end of the URL for his player page) is reported to be getting 3.5 mil for a year, and Fedotenko 2.5. But really, I don't care about numbers, because numbers are for people that can count. So there.


Happy Fourth everybody, I'll be doing the patriotic thing and golfing tomorrow with my new red, white and blue putter grip. Stay safe, stay drunk, stay away from the wheel.

America, FUCK YEAH!

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Not Too Sure About This

The fucking completely awesome Pensblog is reporting that, per the NY Daily News, Jaromir Jagr MAY be headed back to Pittsburgh. I am not sure how I feel about this, and if something happens overnight, you can damn well be sure that I'll make up my mind and reconcile my feelings in whichever way yields the funniest post tomorrow.

More on this as it develops.

And by as it develops, I mean "Tomorrow."



Jesus.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

IT'S ALL GOING TO HELL

I was at a wedding about 40 miles north of New York City this weekend, close enough to hear the collectively uproarious cheer following the "big news" Monday about Cavaliers superstar LeBron James. This "big news" involved James mentioning Madison Square Garden as his favorite arena, New York as his favorite city and Brooklyn as his favorite borough.

Clearly, this means that LeBron is going to opt out of his contract, become a free agent in the summer of 2010 and leave Cleveland faster than the Rangers on 10 Cent Beer Night. It's the latest in a long line of parts coming together to form one giant LeBron-to-New-York machine. Look at what else has transpired so far:

January 2004 - Nets ownership agrees to sell the team to a New York City real estate developer, with plans to bring Brooklyn its first major sports team since 1957

Likelihood of a LeBron move to New York: 4 (out of 10)

August 2004 - Brooklyn rapper Jay-Z (née Shawn Corey Carter) officially becomes a minority owner of the New Jersey Nets

LeBron Likelihood: 8

Why's he coming to New York? It's gotta be the shoes!

July 8, 2006 - LeBron shows his keen business acumen and signs a three-year extension with the Cavs instead of a five-year deal, which allows him to opt out in the summer of 2010

LeBron Likelihood: 13

February 21, 2007 - LeBron expresses his desire to become not just a basketball star, but a "global icon" in terms of marketing, much like Michael Jordan

LeBron Likelihood: 36

October 4, 2007 - LeBron shows up to Jacobs Field during the American League Division Series in a Yankees cap, prompting Clevelanders to shriek in agony and New Yorkers to shriek in joy

LeBron Likelihood: 145

Barkley was right, no flaky white stuff

April 24, 2008 - LeBron phones his buddy Jay-Z after getting whomped by the Wizards in Game 3 and orders up a diss track on Call-Out Boy (
née DeShawn Hieronymous Stevenson), which is quickly delivered and played ad nauseam at Love Night Club in downtown D.C. the next night

LeBron Likelihood: 782

"You Can't See Me"? That's what she said! Haw haw haw haw haw!

May 18, 2008 - LeBron takes the podium after losing Game 7 to the Celtics and says, unprovoked, "I think what we have is very good, but we need to continue to get better, we know that. If that means some personnel changes need to happen, then so be it." What he really means is, "Cleveland sucks, I can't do shit here, New York is da bomb, Roc-A-Fella y'all."

LeBron Likelihood: 10,434

June 30, 2008 - During an interview conducted in New York as part of Team USA's press tour, LeBron says that New York is his favorite city (hometown Akron checking in at No. 5), Brooklyn is his favorite borough (not Manhattan), and re-affirms his love for Madison Square Garden

LeBron Likelihood: Incalculable

...and up there, we could stash DeShawn's Malibu Barbie playset when he spends the night...

Considering all that's taken place, LeBron is 100 percent leaving in the summer of 2010, no doubt about it.

That's the answer you'd get if you ask NBA insiders like Stephen A. Smith and Rob Parker (both native New Yorkers, by the way), who are so sure LeBron is leaving for the Big Apple they'd bet their careers on it. All of their info comes either from "inside sources" or indeterminable reasoning like "watching LeBron's demeanor."

So that means they're way off base, right?

Wrong.

LeBron could very well bolt for New York in 2010, or in 2011, when his current contract actually expires. What's wrong here is that EVERYONE is taking sides about something that's not going to happen for at least two more years.

Two years ago, how many people thought the Celtics would reclaim the NBA throne? Two years ago, how many people thought the Heat would win only 15 games? Two years ago, how many people thought the up-and-coming Bulls would end up with the No. 1 overall draft pick? Two years ago, how many people even knew who Daniel Gibson was?

The Cavs fans who sneer that LeBron will never leave Cleveland are just as dangerous as the New Yorkers who sneer back. So much can happen between now and then that predicting the decision of an exuberant 23-year-old is ludicrous. It's no secret that LeBron loves New York (obviously), but the sports media is so desperate for him to land in a big market that they take a meal when he gives them a nibble. I'm honestly surprised there wasn't more "LeBron to Boston!" talk after he gushed about the great Game 7 on the parquet floor.

Here are two important things to keep in mind as the situation unfolds:

1. Come contract time, the Cavaliers can offer LeBron one more year (about $20 million more) than any other team in the NBA under league rules.

Since LeBron has been in Cleveland, he's been the Rookie of the Year, a two-time All-Star MVP, the host of Saturday Night Live, the host of the ESPYs, the first African-American coverboy for Vogue, and a spokesman for Nike, Vitamin Water/Sprite, Cub Cadet Lawnmowers, Upper Deck trading cards, State Farm Auto Insurance, and Bubblicious Gum, all managed through his own marketing company.

Moral of the story: New York's nice, but LeBron doesn't need it to be a global icon.

Cash flow is his LeBrogative

2. LeBron James is a frontrunner.

He always has been. His childhood rooting interests included the Yankees (four World Series in his lifetime), the Bulls (six titles) and the Cowboys (three Super Bowls). If LeBron followed hockey, he'd probably have rooted for the Red Wings, Avalanche and Devils, all at once.

Moral of the story: Anyone who knows anything about LeBron sees things like Ballcap-gate coming from a mile away.

If you'll excuse me, my boy Tiger Woods is playing in a major

I love the Cavaliers. I love LeBron James. He single-handedly saved basketball in Cleveland. I even like New York and Jay-Z (December 4th might be the best hip-hop song of the new millenium).

That's why I'm going to ignore the New York fluff, and enjoy the two more guaranteed years of King James giving everything he has to the Cavaliers.

If he chooses to one day give it to someone else, so be it.