Tuesday, September 30, 2008

The Untitled Football Project v2

Oh hey there, it's me, FLS, your happy recapper! Without further ado, let's talk week 4, shall we?

The Bills did what Bison typically do to Rams, that being run them over. Except these bison were exceptionally thorough in their demolition, in that they got Scott Linehan fired. (PS: I told you it wouldn't be long, Scott!) This firing will be good for precisely 1 total win this year for the Rams. Meanwhile, the Bills are 4-0 and I'll be damned if that's not impressive.

In Tennesse, the Titans also moved to 4-0, beating up on the Vikings and making people forget that their franchise quarterback is a basketcase with a bum knee. If this keeps up, the Titans might win an actual game in the playoffs! Oh, and Gus Frerotte got hurt--so the Vikings are totally fucked now.

The fightin' Matt Ryans fell to 2-2, after getting punched in the mouth by Steve Smith and the Panthers. Carolina is now 3-1 and Chris Berman should be saying, "Daylight come and you gotta Delhomme" enough pretty soon to make anyone queasy.

Denver lost by 14 to Kansas City and holy hell do I look like a raging genius for what I said last week. 8-8 indeed. Oh, and Larry Johnson rediscovered professional football again too. He should be back to his best sport, pouting, in a few days.

New Orleans beat on J.T. O'Sullivan and the 49ers, effectively bringing them back to earth but doing nothing to make me think that a)they're a good team and b)the 49ers aren't going to win the NFC west anyway.

The Jets put up fif...BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE WHAT A CANNON STILL GOT HIS FASTBALL TOUGHEST PLAYER IN THE GAME A TRUE LEGEND WHAT A GUNSLINGER HE JUST LOVES TO PLAY FOOTBALL WHAT A COMPETITOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

The Bucs beat the Packers, with Matt Bryant providing the winning points. I am sending nothing but sympathy to the man and his family. Period.

Jacksonville took down Houston in OT, evening their record, and setting the stage for a 3-game winning streak, because the Steelers will be forced to dress random fans for their Sunday night showdown this week.

Cleveland and Cincinnati set football back 50 years. I refuse to tell you who won, because everyone that watched or participated in this game was a loser.

Kyle Orton put down the bottle of Jack Daniels long enough to guide Ditka to a surprising win over the Eagles. The Eagles fans are now convinced their team is going to go 2-14 this season.

The Steelers beat the Ravens in OT, in a game I will have plenty more to say about in my next post. Seriously, I'll write a lot more words in general about it. Maybe even throw in some pictures, you greedy spoiled bastards.

Washington topped Dallas, in Dallas, and Terrell Owens started the laborious process of alienating an entire fanbase and team anew. There is only one logical spot for this piece of cancer and phlegm to go in his career, and it's...

Oakland, a team that blew another lead and lost to Whale's Vagina. Only in Oakland could T.O. co-exist peacefully, primarily because Al Davis is the only other person associated in any way, shape or form with the NFL who is more unlikable than T.O. Well, except for Jim Richards, that ball boy for the Cardinals. What a fucker. Anyway, Davis fired his promising young coach, Lane Kiffin, and said he wouldn't pay him the remainder of the contract, either, because that same ploy worked so well years ago with Mike Shanahan. Al Davis is so far the only owner I know of to run a team with one and a half feet in the grave. I cannot wait until he is dead. Plain and simple.

FAKE E-MAIL OF THE WEEK

"Hi there, FLS. Just wondering what you'd suggest for a guy in my situation. I'm talented but aging, revered by many and reviled by some, and I might have lost a step, but most announcers and media types tell me I can still play. So what would you do if you were me? Keep playing? Or quit while I'm ahead?"

--Brett F., New York, NY

"Hey Brett, easy solution for you. Cut off your arms and legs. This therapy is a great way to reduce temptation."

FUCK YOU OF THE WEEK

Fuck you, Al Davis and Terrell Owens. Al, you're a decrepit sack of piss, with no idea whatsoever how to run a football team. I can't wait to watch your press conference today, only because there's about a 10% chance you'll die during it. And that would be sweet. And fuck you, Terrell Owens. Before you start calling out teammates and destroying a Super Bowl favorite, perhaps you should focus on catching the ball on a regular basis, seeing as you've never been good at it. I would laugh and laugh and laugh if you tore up both knees while trying to go after one of your teammates. Really, I would. And I'd laugh even harder if, immediately after this happened, you were hit by a bus and then consumed whole by a gang of angry fire ants.

UNRELATED ITEM OF THE WEEK

Human Tetris. Watch and enjoy.

The Cavs and Cav-Nots

While some of America spent Monday night fixated on a slough of malodorous morons (or "Pittsburgh", if you will), I was fixated on Cleveland Clinic Courts, where the Cavaliers opened training camp with media day.

This time of year is usually fraught with optimism and people saying the right things. That wasn't the case last fall, when Damon Jones opened his interview session by demanding a trade before saying anything else. Eric Snow entered camp as hobbled as Tiny Tim and as rich as Ebenezer Scrooge. But hey, at least they showed up. Sasha Pavlovic and Anderson Varejao displayed the market awareness of Kmart and begrudgingly ended their contract holdouts well into the season.

There's much more continuity in the air now. After the team-morphing deadline deal last February, Danny Ferry swung a summer deal for Bucks point guard Mo Williams, re-signed clutch guards Delonte West and Daniel Gibson, and acquired a pair of bigs through the draft to address age concerns up front.

He also put us in a good position for the future, with only four players under contract past the summer of 2010, which could provide the best crop of free agents in NBA history.

But why look that far ahead? What about now?

If this year's training camp is any indication, the Cavaliers are ready to win a championship. And unlike two years ago, when we got bossed around by a Spurs team we had no business facing, you bet your ass this team can do it.

We haven't seen Mo Williams play with these Cavs, nor have we seen how a full training camp will benefit a team that's only been together seven months. We don't know how good Boston or Detroit will be, or who will join them in the ranks of the East's elite. We don't know if Mike Brown will continue to strap an anchor on the offense or finally hike up the tempo.

Beyond the fact that this is the most talented Cleveland roster since 1992, we don't know a whole lot about this team.

And it doesn't matter, because the Cavaliers have the ultimate trump card.


Here's a 23-year-old whose 2008 included a first-team all-NBA selection, an All-Star MVP award, a league scoring title, a franchise record for most career points, and a gold medal as captain of the U.S. Men's Olympic basketball team. He has the power to change a game in so many different ways, more than any other player in the league.

It's time to stop pussy-footing around. LeBron James is the best basketball player on the planet.

He may finally have a team worthy of his supernova abilities. No more me-first, me-second Ricky Davis, no more butt-ugly Larry Hughes jumpers. No more paying $4 million a 3 with Damon Jones, no more decrepit Donyell Marshall. Just athletes, shooters, team defenders and guys committed to winning. That's all LeBron wants to do in Cleveland, and it's all Cleveland can ask of LeBron.

It's something the Cavs will do again this year barring injury, and our eyes are firmly on the NBA championship. The revamped and recharged roster will be a big key, no doubt.

But in the city where Superman was born, a real-life Superman now resides. LeBron James has already scaled all-time great heights, and stands poised for even bigger things this year.

By the way, he's all ours.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

The ABCs: Week 4

I haven't posted in a week, and while it's partly because there hasn't been much to write about, it's also because the Browns are sucking the life out of me.

This season has been brutal so far. The Cowboys game was a laugher, the Steelers game was a depressor, and the Ravens game was a plain old pisser-offer. Couple that with the enormous expectations that circled the team, and things haven't been much fun.

I feel so relieved to get our first win that I don't care the Bengals didn't have Carson Palmer and couldn't win the Big Ten with their roster. There are no asterisks in this life, only scoreboards, and ours is currently reading "in the win column."

For the fourth time this year, let me spell it out for you.

At the 13:06 mark of the third quarter, the Browns were down 6-3 and Bengals safety Chinedum Ndukwe picked off Derek Anderson on the Cincinnati 12-yard line. Ndukwe was a high school and college teammate of someone on the Browns roster, and DA's latest interception probably should have signaled that player's entry.


But Romeo Crennel sent DA back out for the remainder of the game, and to his credit, he led us on an impressive touchdown drive that ate 6:38 and gave us the lead for good.

Cleveland and Cincinnati combined to play one of the worst all-around NFL games in recent memory. Pissing on Paul Brown's grave would've been more to the point.

Derek Anderson was 15-of-24 for a measly 138 yards, one touchdown and one interception, with another pick taken away because of a Bengals penalty. Apparently, Romeo's "short leash" is six miles long.

Eric Wright picked off Ryan Fitzpatrick (who?) late in the second quarter...and fumbled it away trying to score. Speechless.

Folks should take notice of what transpired on the sideline in the third quarter. Braylon Edwards heatedly confronted Anderson about his struggles, and Jamal Lewis came over to break them up before things escalated. It's honestly reassuring that the Browns still have that kind of fire and leadership off the field. Now we need to get more of it on the field.

Good job by the defense today. To steal a quote from Kirk Herbstreit, the Bengals would have a difficult time executing against air, but the Browns still forced five turnovers and took care of business.

How many times does DA have to screw up before Crennel benches him? He made so many mistakes I lost count. It's more than the picks. It's the underthrows. It's the lack of composure. It's botching the simplest plays against an awful defense. Hey, I have an idea.


Iron Man hits DVD on Tuesday. Book it.

Judging by their play today, the linebackers are rounding into form. Kamerion Wimbley and Alex Hall made some big plays. Keep it up, fellas.

Kudos to the stable of running backs for bringing their work pails. Lewis, Jerome Harrison and Jason Wright combined for 117 yards that helped us grind clock.

Let's get something straight: Shaun Rogers is here to play. He's shown no signs of the laziness that clouded his time in Detroit. Cincinnati is the fourth team out of four this season that couldn't block him without committing two and sometimes three players. He's our best defensive player.

Mike Adams played well for the second straight week after blowing ass the first two. Brodney Pool and Sean Jones aren't going to lose their starting jobs any time soon, but Adams is improving while they're banged up.

Nobody should worry about being the most undisciplined team in the league as long as Marvin Lewis coaches the Bengals.

Only the Browns could allow Fitzpatrick and the Bungles to march down the field like they did after our second touchdown. Only the Browns.

Perhaps that second half will spark the Browns' offense heading into the bye week. Or maybe it will take something else, although I can't put my finger on it.


Quacks like Rich Gannon need to stop getting jobs as TV analysts. On second thought, he states the obvious, shies away from controversy, and is totally boring. So he's just like everyone else who works for CBS.

Really questionable playcalling from Rob Chudzinski again. It's an awkward mix of the conservative, the risk-taking and the totally inexplicable. I know he's without Joe Jurevicius, Donte Stallworth and a healthy offensive line, but those components haven't been around all season, so it's time to start producing.

Speaking of Stallworth, he sat out another game with a strained quadricep he injured during week one warm-ups. I know his whole game is speed, but for Christ's sake, man up and play already!

The Giants come to town on Monday Night Football after the bye. I can see us drawing inspiration from the preseason beatdown and playing inspired ball. Of course, I can also see us getting wiped off the planet.

Unlike the rest of Cleveland, I'm going to divert about 50 percent of my attention to basketball as the Cavs open camp Monday. I'm really excited about this season. Then again, I was really excited about the Browns' season.


Venereal diseases are what the 2008 Browns and Bengals have been to the AFC North.

Way to go, Tribe. Cleveland battled back to end the season at .500 after a really shitty first half. More on that later this week.

Xenomorphs like the parasitoids from Alien would make mean football players. That's the best I can come up with for X this week. And I think it's pretty sweet.

Yes, the Bengals are bad, especially without Carson Palmer. But a win's a win, especially on the road and in the division.

Zap! And just like that, the Browns aren't quite dead. Every game is a must-win, and deep down we still have playoff aspirations, so why not start with the defending champs?


Time for some payback.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

This Could Be Interesting

Well, I turned on the TV expecting to see slaughter and bloodshed on the ESPN's. After all, with the Worldwide Leader touting the slogan that "Every underdog is dangerous" in anticipation of USC's match-up with Oregon State, it seemed that the stage was set for a serious beatdown. Never mind that Oregon State won the last time they played USC in Corvallis, this Trojan team just got done picking Ohio State out of its teeth--this would be no sweat. Well imagine my surprise when I flip to ESPN and see the little score box (no, not Erin Andrews) telling me that Oregon State is up 14-0. Furthermore, the first play I saw was a USC fumble, followed by a tipped-ball touchdown at the end of the first half for a score of 21-0 at the half.

I had to liveblog it. So, here you go.

(All times Eastern, all grammar poor. There will be no pictures, so 90% of our readers should probably just forget about this one.)

10:46--Mark May tells us that USC needs to solve their problems on offense by "finding a way to score." What would happen if the government was asked about a way to fix the financial crisis on Wall Street and they said, "Figure out a way to save some of this money."

10:51--On-camera shot in the booth shows us that Jesse Palmer ties a tie like a reluctant 9th grader at Catholic school. The tie is supposed to hit your belt, Bachelor.

10:54--USC forces a 3 and out on the Beavers' first possession and Joe McKnight dances around for a few yards on the punt return. If something's going to happen for the Trojans, methinks it'd help if it started now.

10:56--I feel I should remind everyone: Oregon State lost to Penn State by 31 points this year and just plain lost to Stanford. The latter part of that alone should make USC fans cringe.

11:00--USC goes for it on 4th and 9 from the OSU 40, and they get it. First possible chink in the armor. Oregon State's going to lose this game--and as I type that, USC scores.

11:07--Every time I hear about Oregon State wide receiver Sammie Stroughter, all I think about is Sally Struthers. Sally Struthers is not much of a big play threat.

11:15--I switch to ESPNEWS to watch Pirates/Brewers highlights--I'm rooting for the Brewers, by the way. I'm happy, because Ryan Braun ends the game with a walkoff grand slam. Ahh, the Buccos. Best part is, they named the pitcher that gave it up, and I'd never heard of him in my life. Way to make it tough on Milwaukee.

11:16--Annnd I turn back, and USC is scoring again. Uh oh.

11:20--Chris Fowler talks about a USC receiver studying a lot of tape with his quarterback. I wonder if this really takes place. Are they really sitting in their idle hours, studying tape and breaking down the intricacies of the game, so as to get better? Or do they just go, "Fuck it, I go to USC and I'm awesome," and then bang 15 co-eds apiece. My bet is on the latter.

11:27--Oregon State gets a crucial 3rd down conversion deep in its own territory, then starts a-gashing USC again for some yardage. Perhaps USC needs to fuel up with more hookers on the sideline? Eh? Eh? I'm sure Leinart's there somewhere, he should be able to help.

11:34--Sally Struthers can't make a catch for a first down on 3rd and 13. Sally is having one rough game. This team is starving for a big play.

11:42--Oregon State manages to stop USC, which is amazing in and of itself, and actually starts moving the ball. Meanwhile, every pass Oregon State throws where a USC player is in the vicinity is termed a "risky play" by the ESPN crew. We get it guys, they're underdogs.

11:46--Oregon State's punter rips off his third or fourth ugly looking kick of the night, but this one miraculously rolls all the way to the 6-yard line. This means it'll take 2 minutes for USC to tie the game, instead of a minute and a half.

11:53--Hey! Oregon State just forced a punt. They've got the ball! They're moving the ball! Hey! (This entry is funnier if you imagine Harry Caray saying it.)

11:56--Oregon State misses a field goal that would have made it a 2-score game. That's page 1 out of the losing team handbook.

12:10--Guess what? Oregon State is still winning. I'm surprised. Are you?

12:25--Um, Oregon State just won. Holy shit. You surprised? I am.

Well USC goes down, and I'm too tired to make another hookers and blow joke.

Goodnight. God bless. Turn out your lights before bed.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

There's Got to Be Some Krazy Glue Somewhere

STEELERS WAR ROOM

Mike Tomlin: Okay guys, time to fucking regroup. We clearly weren't ready for the Eagles last week, and I think it's obvious that the men in this room deserve a good chunk of the blame for that. Before we go into game planning, I just wanted to let ya'll know that Willie won't be playing this week, same goes with Casey. Willie banged up his knee, and Casey's fat.

Bruce Arians: Willie's not playing? What? What? Coach, you've got to be joking! Sweet merciful tits of Oprah, tell me you're kidding!

MT: Nope, I'm uh, pretty serious. He sprained his knee, he's out for at least a week, maybe two. Keisel's also out, Dick, just so you know.

Dick LeBeau: Whatever.

MT: Why you so worried about Willie not playing? It's not like Rashard's going to go out there, take the first handoff and fumb--oh FUCK ME SIDEWAYS. Intern! Go out and find all the Krazy glue you can get your hands on. I want gallons of the stuff. Oh, and pine tar, get me some fucking pine tar. I want you to find enough pine tar to make George Brett pop a goddamn boner!



BA: That's more like it, coach. I thought for a second you'd forgotten exactly who we're dealing with here. Rashard holds onto the ball about as well as he holds onto his valuables.

DL: Is there any reason for me to be here? Because if not, I'm going to the strip club--you knob-gobbling pissants are driving me crazy.

MT: Go, go, get out of here--some kind of team player you are.

DL: Whatever.

[Tomlin and Arians sit in silence, nervously waiting for the intern to return]

Intern: Phew, sorry it took so long, coach, but I managed to round up 35 gallons of Krazy glue and 10 buckets of pine tar--I just took everything I could find from PNC Park--no one seemed to care. Say, have you guys done anything since I left? That trip took me a good 3 hours and it doesn't look like you guys have moved. Aren't you getting ready for the Ravens?

MT: Shut the fuck up and leave, kid. We don't need you anymore. Here's a dollar, go buy a life.

Intern: Uh, coach, that joke was out of style about 20 years ago. [Leaves]

MT: Who needs a gameplan, anyway? With this stuff, we're guaranteed to only lose by 10! I'm tired, let's go home and play Chutes and Ladders, okay Brucie?

BA: You're the boss, boss.

Steelers Fans Everywhere: Sigh.

A Column About the NFL

Hi, how are you? Good? That's great. I had a poor weekend, because I got belligerently drunk on Saturday and watched my team lose on Sunday. With that all out of the way, let's talk about this past week in the NFL, shall we?

The Bills? They're a surprising 3-0. This is presumably due to the fact that Lane Kiffin found it difficult to coach from ahead while the Sword of Damocles was looming over his head in the wizened figure of Al "I don't know anything about football anymore, but shh don't tell anyone" Davis. Good for the Bills though, they're giving their fans something to cheer about before they become the Toronto Aboots in a few years.

The Chargers pounded the snot out of the Brett Favres on MNF, cementing their reputation as a team that starts slow, looks impressive, and then fizzles out in the playoffs. Yes, I'm already assuming a crushing post-season loss.

The Browns looked horrendous in losing to the Ravens, and that's really all I'm going to say about that. The Brady Quinn era is just around the corner, and we can all be certain that no city outside of Cleveland is more excited about this than San Francisco. Yes, that was an obvious joke. No, I don't feel shame because of it.

The Cowboys dismantled the Packers in Green Bay and look like the team to beat in the NFL right now. I just threw up several times in my mouth thinking about that. Paging Jessica Simpson to the luxury box!

The Titans smoked the Texans, and Vince Young cried a little bit less today, so really, no one had a bad day in Tennessee, now did they?

The Jaguars saved their season with a last-second win over the Colts. The Colts aren't really that good this year, and neither are the Jaguars. I'm not quite sure I'm ready for another Kerry Collins-led Super Bowl contender, though. We all know how things went for him last time he got there.

Minnesota beat Carolina, to the surprise of no one. Minnesota is still not a good football team, also to the surprise of no one.

The Patriots' regular season winning streak came to an end, as Ronnie Brown proved that he might just be the solution to the Dolphins' quarterback problems. Joey Porter talked a lot.

The Redskins beat the Cardinals. Matt Leinart fucked three 18-year old co-eds and Brenda Warner on the sideline. Good game for Matt.

The Steelers lost to the Eagles, and Ben Roethlisberger got sacked many times. Ben Roethlisberger is something of a pansy. The Steelers' coaches have also never heard of a screen pass, draw play, or three step drop.

The Broncos won again, making their eventual 8-8 finish only slightly harder to fathom, but just as realistic and inevitable.

Kansas City got crushed. Who even cares? It was by the Falcons, by the way. But no one cares about that, either.

Seattle destroyed St. Louis and San Francisco did the same to Detroit. Someone should tell fans of those teams that wins over JV squads don't count towards your overall record.

Cincinnati and Chicago both lost in overtime. Tampa Bay and the New York Giants both won in overtime. But WHO PLAYED WHO? This is up to you, dear reader, to figure out.

FAKE E-MAIL OF THE WEEK

"Hey FLS, long time reader, first time fake e-mailer: My question is, what do you know about resumes? I'm trying to put together a good one, but I just don't know if I have good enough material or what. Can you help? Thanks so much."

--Scott L., St. Louis

Hey Scott, no, sorry, I can't. Thanks for playing, and don't worry, it'll only be a few more weeks.

FUCK YOU OF THE WEEK

Fuck you, Steelers offensive coaches. Apparently you thought it was cool to see your $100 million investment on his ass all day. As if a hangnail isn't enough for him to complain and moan for weeks on end. Next time, let's try and expand the playbook past original Tecmo Bowl levels. Thanks.

Remember people: This is a work in progress. Promise it'll be better next week.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

The ABCs: Week 3




In every pro sports league, success is driven by something definitive. Success in the NBA is driven by its stars. Success in MLB is driven by spending. Success in the NFL is driven by coaching and quarterback play.

I defy you to name one Super Bowl champion that didn't have great coaching and/or quarterbacking. You can't. It's never happened. And guess what the Cleveland Browns don't have?

Answer that for yourself. Meanwhile, I'm going to try to find some answers of my own. For the third straight week, let me spell it out for you.

All things considered, the third quarter was as bad a quarter as I've ever seen the Browns play. Think about the severity of that distinction for a second.

Bad game (again) for Derek Anderson. He was 14-of-37 for 125 yards and one touchdown with three interceptions. That's a 22.9 quarterback rating. Whoo buddy I am not done discussing DA.

CUNT, SHIT, FUCK, PISS, COCKSUCKER, MOTHERFUCKER, TITS. Those are George Carlin's seven dirty words you can't say on television. Well guess the fuck what? This isn't TV, it's a blog.

"Browns" is my eighth dirty word

Drops are murdering Cleveland and hiding the body right now. As bad as Anderson has been, the banged-up receiving corps isn't giving him much help.

Every Browns fan was thinking the same thing after Anderson threw that testicle-shitting pick six to Ed Reed in the third quarter: it's time for Brady Quinn. Count me in, fellas!

Forget anything positive that happened last weekend. It was all negated Sunday against an inferior football team.

Glad to see that Ravens safety Dawan Landry is OK. He was carted off on a stretcher at the end of the first half, but reports from the hospital have been positive.

Haloti Ngata didn't cheap-shot Joe Thomas this time around. He didn't have to. The Browns were busy cheap-shotting themselves.

I'm no longer ashamed of admitting my excitement for the Cavs last week. As a matter of fact, I can't wait for the Cavaliers to open camp because LeBron James would never let any team he's on get punked like the Browns today.

Just as I said in week one, I'm not sure if Romeo Crennel is a good coach. The Browns have had to deal with injuries and big expectations this season, and it's up to the coach to navigate the team through the distractions and keep it successful on the field. Counting preseason, we've lost all seven of our games this year, and played poorly in five of them. CONNECT THE FUCKING DOTS.

Kellen Winslow Jr. had two catches for 14 yards. Not because he wasn't open, but because Crennel never called plays for him and Anderson chose not to throw in his direction. I mean, are we TRYING to get him to demand a trade??

Let the record show that at the 11:54 mark of the second quarter, Mike Adams finally did something that didn't suck. I'll bet he thinks that interception means he can suck balls for the next nine quarters, too.

My God, the Ravens cheerleaders are hot. Anderson wanted to fuck them, but he couldn't, so he decided to fuck the Browns instead.

National television features the Browns four more times this season. Roger Goodell must be stabbing himself.

Tagliabue never had to deal with these clowns

Our offense is a fucking joke. There's way too much talent on that side of the ball to be failing like this.

Please tell me this isn't the real Derek Anderson we're seeing. He couldn't hit shit if he took a dump and jumped in the toilet.

d'Qwell Jackson and Alex Hall are ballers. They played like it today. We need to find Hall a starting spot in the linebacking corps.

Ratings for next week's Bengals-Browns game will be among the worst in league history unless the franchises decide to award $10 million to a random viewer. Actually, I hope they do.

Some people will say the Browns' season is over after this loss, which isn't true. What is true, however, is that Crennel must seriously consider benching Anderson. This isn't heat-of-the-moment, overreacting Browns fan talk. This is shitty accuracy, no poise, interception-addicted, the-NFL-has-figured-out-Derek-Anderson talk.

The most effective plays in our playbook might be screens, because we have an athletic offensive line and versatile backs. Jerome Harrison scored our only touchdown on a screen play in the second quarter. Naturally, he didn't play another down the rest of the game.

Unless something kick-starts this team, we're going to finish 5-11. Or worse.

Verify whether or not our 2007 season actually took place. Seriously, someone please do it.

When you think about what I said to open this week's ABCs, you understand why the Browns are rarely a playoff team. Other than Marty Schottenheimer, I can't think of a single coach since Blanton Collier who's brought us consistent success. And other than Bernie Kosar and Brian Sipe, I can't think of a single quarterback who's given us stability.

Xena: Warrior Princess probably scares the rest of the NFL more than the Browns right now.

You know what? I'm going to focus on the Indians climbing above .500 today more than the Browns game. Way to go, Tribe!

Zip it up and zip it out, folks. We're going to Cincinnati next week, where things could get a whole lot better.


Or a whole lot worse.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

8 Mile Rode

Yo yo yo yoooo! What's good CD Shop!! It's ya boy DJ MomJeans an' I hope you ready fo' the battle of the YEAR!

'Fore we get this lil' freestyle underway, I'm 'a give you some background that gives this battle some extra juice, aight? At Friday's Tribe-Tigers game, my main man Fausto Carmona hit Gary Sheffield wit a pitch, and Sheddar Bob responded by glarin' at him as he took first. Well shortly after, Fausto Cent fired a pickoff in Sheddar Bob's direction, so they started yappin' again, an' fisticuffs ensued.


We can't be havin' this violence, people! We gotta treat each other wit respect! You need to settle yo differences without fightin' n' shit. Which is why we here TONIGHT, atcha favorite hip-hop battleground, the CD Shop!

In one corner, we got the nine-time All-Star Sheddar Bob, and in the other corner, we got the hardest Dominican on the planet, Fausto Cent!

DJ, spin that shit!

(Dre's "Nuthin' But A 'G' Thang" pipes through the speakers)


Hey yo steppin' through the fog and creepin' through the smog
It's Sheddar Bob's mother, she's a fat warthog
I used to chase 'em down, down in Santo Domingo
Sheddar Bob's house smells like impoverished gringos
Who the fuck told this toddler he could talk like that
When the whole city of Cleveland has got my back
So go ahead and see where shit-talkin' will get you
If I was 39 and past my prime, I'd be pissed too
If I were you, I wouldn't charge the mound too often
Cuz my right-hook is faster than Kenny Lofton
I spit cyborg shit, I'm a terminator, Sarah
You want to be saved like Mariano Rivera
How many times you gon' charge the mound like a whore?
One? Two? Three-and-to-tha four?
This shit right here's a training day, Officer Hoyt
Hike your skirt up your ass and take it back to Detroit



OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH THAT WAS HOT
But aight, aight, settle down, settle down. Comin' to the mic in response, we got Sheddar Bob! DJ, spin that shit!

(Dre's "Nuthin' But A 'G' Thang" pipes through the speakers)


Ummm, yeah! Ummm, yo! yo! yo! yo! Ummmmm
My name is Sheddar Bob, and I'm here in the house
To, uh, ummm...yeah! yo! yo! yo! yo!
All of you suckers better listen up!
Cuz I'm here to glisten like a styrofoam cup!
Um, wait, I mean, um, I'm harder than that
Er, I act real tough, but I really am
Cuz every morning I wake up and I eat spam!
Oh man! That was good, right?
Yeah! Yo! Yo! Yo! Ummmm
(What did that one rapper do? Oh yeah) ARF ARF ARF
ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF
Uh-huh, and shit! Yeah! Yo! Yo! Yo!



...okaaaay, that was Sheddar Bob!

Now, for the final round, we gotta get yo TIGHTEST shit, but it's gotta be quick! I need just EIGHT lines from each of you! Sheddar Bob gets first crack at the CD Shop! DJ, spin that SHIT!

(Mobb Deep's "Shook Ones Part II" thumps through the speakers)


OK! Now everybody from the Tampa Bay
Put your motherfreaking hands up and say OK!
Uhh, yeah! In the hoooooooooood! ARF ARF
Well, I don't really like Fausto Cent
And, uh I think it's real unkind with the way he went
You better watch out, because I'll defeat you
If, uh, y'know, we, uh
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!


...uh, alright, let's give it up for Sheddar Bob!

But I know my man's got a response to that! One more time, CD Shop, show yo love for Fausto Cent! DJ, SPIN THAT SHIT!

(Mobb Deep's "Shook Ones Part II" thumps through the speakers)


Once upon a time in the CD Shop
Fausto Cent got pissed and some bodies dropped
The first one belonged to a gal named Sheddar
Who lost the battle cuz her lyrics weren't better
I'm all about the game, man, fuck the noise
I don't fuck around with shit like needles and 'roids
It's OK, Sheddar Bob, you need help that's prescripted
My skills are like the rarest triple play: unassisted



OOOOH OOOOOH OOOOOOOOOOOH!! Like Jet said during the 2000 Slam Dunk Contest, IT"S OVAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! It's OVAH!

The winner of this battle, an' the winner of the war, is my man FAUSTO CENT! Let the celebration begin!!


(Mobb Deep's "Shook Ones Part II" keeps piping through the speakers)

Y'all come back to the CD Shop next week, when my No. 1 NBA bigot Chris Berman freestyles against Josh Howard to the beat of the Star-Spangled Banner! GET HYPED Y'ALL! DJ, take us out!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Again? Another "Rivalry" Game? Ah Fuck

Well, I suppose I've got to do this all over again. Yes, by "this" I mean, "Get up for another 'rivalry' game against a team I really couldn't give two and a half shits about."

This week, the Pittsburgh Steelers travel the other direction on the turnpike (Fly Southwest) to face the Philadelphia Eagles of Greater New Jersey. Already, I've gotten e-mails from former co-workers in Philadelphia with such clever subject lines like, "F the Steelers" and "fuck the steelers". Needless to say, with putdowns like that, my self-esteem has been taking quite the beating. Just like last week's soiree in Cleveland, I find myself having trouble taking this game seriously and treating it with appropriate levels of animosity and froth.

Certainly, it's a big game for the Steelers. Every game in the NFL is big. Sure, it's not as big of a game as it would be if they were 0-2 (Hi Cleveland!) or 1-1 (You too, Philly!), but it's a big game nonetheless. Much has been made by people who don't have anything better to do, namely some of my colleagues, that the Steelers haven't won in Philly since roughly the Kennedy administration. This is amazing, and entirely pertinent to this week's contest, as most of the players on both sides were in diapers the last time the Steelers played a regular-season game in the 216. At least, that's probably true. I didn't actually bother to do any research to back that general claim. Know why? I don't care about this game very much.

If the Steelers lose, so what? I put up with a few asinine statements by Philly people for a few days, Brother Love posts something on this blog, 10 people read it, I go on with my life, etc. If the Steelers win, the same thing applies. I don't write about it, because, whoop dee fucking doo, the Steelers are 3-0 and in first place, and really I've got much better things to do with that knowledge than taunt the less fortunate. And believe me, Philly and its citizens are less fortunate. I've never been to a more depressing place on earth (for all you taking notes, this is in fact the part of the post where I begin to bash Philly, but I try to make it subtle and unexpected so that, by the time I'm talking about how residents of Levittown and surrounding communities fuck sheep, you're awfully surprised to see something so profane in such an otherwise lukewarm article).

It's not just that Philly is bordered on one side by a vast, barren wasteland, known to the locals as "New Jersey", it's that it's bordered on the south side and west side by two even more dire places--Delaware (gasp) and suburban eastern Pennsylvania, two places where hope goes to die, or at least have 94% of the life choked out of it. The real thing that sets Philadelphia apart from other shit holes of the country is the attitude adopted by its people, also known as "Philadelphians".


Don't worry kids, Pennsauken's right over that next rise!


The Philadelphian is a pitiable wretch. In most cases, the average Philadelphian will attempt to dodge the actual nature of their relationship to the city, preferring to say, "Oh, I'm from outside of Philly." This phrase, of course, is akin to hearing a woman say, "Oh, I haven't had an outbreak in months." If they're from "outside Philly", they'd damn well better be from Harrisburg, or else I don't want to know them. I wouldn't admit where I was actually from, either, if my town was mainly known for its epic sports failures, propensity for mass aggravated assault, murders, and general proximity to New Jersey.


Just another mayor in waiting

It's easy to feel sorry for Philadelphia, a city that, despite having some damn good food, interesting cultural and historical landmarks, and a few very scenic places, will always be known for chalk outlines, miserable failure, idiot drivers, Angelo Cataldi (someone please shoot this man, along with the rest of the WIP staff), and some fat fuck named "El Wingador", whose picture I won't post, because people with eyes read this blog, and I want to be considerate to them. Yes, it's easy to feel sorry, but I won't, since I don't live there anymore, and have no intention of ever going back, so help me god.

Philly is an armpit, a rectum, a place that should rightfully be walled off and slowly starved to death. It is a stain on America, just like the rest of the eastern seaboard.

Other than that, it's great!

Steelers, 34-21

Way to go, Bichiro

Three cheers for Mariners outfielder Bichiro Suzuki!

In case you didn't hear -- and judging by Seattle's attendance, you haven't! -- Bichiro tied the Major League record by amassing at least 200 hits in eight consecutive seasons. He did so with three hits Wednesday night against Kansas City, matching the Royals' offensive output for the entire month of September in the process.

So what does this have to do with Cleveland or Pittsburgh? Well, about 15 months ago, Bichiro and the Mariners played a makeup game at Jacobs Field after snow assaulted Cleveland during April. Before that trip, our favorite Asian made the following statement through an interpreter:

"To tell the truth, I'm not excited to go to Cleveland, but we have to. If I ever saw myself saying I'm excited going to Cleveland, I'd punch myself in the face, because I'm lying."


Oh Bichiro, you're so funny!

You're also a very talented baseball player, judging by your eight All-Star selections, seven Gold Gloves, one MVP award, one Rookie of the Year award, and single-season record of 262 hits.

It's a resume that would make any baseball fan blush, and this latest achievement only further solidifies your status as one of the greatest hitters in baseball history.

Sure, your quote about Cleveland was unkind and disrespectful, but if you think I'm some kind of petulant five-year-old who still holds a grudge...







...well you're GOD DAMN RIGHT!

The 20 Greatest Moments of Bichiro's Life

20. Bichiro is born in 1973

Actually, it was more fun for his parents. Bichiro was unintended.

19. Bichiro hits the first inside-the-park homer in All-Star history in 2007

Fittingly enough, this totally gay accomplishment happened in San Francisco.

18. Bichiro and the Mariners blow a 12-run lead against the Tribe in 2001

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

17. Bichiro helps Japan win the 2006 World Baseball Classic

Both fans who watched were absolutely enthralled.

16. Bichiro bats .350 with 242 hits in his rookie season

His .222 average and four hits in the ALCS are uber-impressed.

15. Bichiro signs with the Mariners in 2000

He's the first Japanese-born position player in Major League Baseball...and he still can't speak English.

14. Bichiro writes the word "concentration" on his glove as a Little Leaguer

Guess he wanted to honor that World War II entente.

13. Bichiro appears on a Japanese TV drama in 2006

Even Shaquille O'Neal thought his acting sucked.

12. Bichiro collects his 3,000th professional hit in 2008

But some of them came in a lesser league, so he has Bobby Bowden's support.

11. Bichiro breaks a record with his 199th single in 2004

He later celebrates by dropping 199 singles at a strip club.

'Sumwun say scrip club?

10. Bichiro joins the Japanese Baseball Hall of Fame

Raise your hand if you knew the Japanese Baseball Hall of Fame existed.

9. Bichiro leads the Orix BlueWave to the 1996 Japan Series title

Raise your hand if you knew the Japan Series existed.

8. Bichiro is called "the human batting machine" by the Japanese press

Suge Knight adds Bichiro to his posse shortly after.

7. Bichiro and his wife move into the same neighborhood as Bill Gates

Bichiro couldn't figure out Windows Vista even if he spoke English.

6. Bichiro and the Mariners win 116 games in 2001


MLB's ad campaign claims "There's only one October." The same could be said of Bichiro's career.

5. Bichiro appears on the cover of Time Magazine in 2004


Clearly, there wasn't much going on at the time.

4. Bichiro ties the record by amassing 200 hits in eight straight seasons

It's a victory for arbitrary statistics everywhere.

3. Bichiro hits .505 in high school

But just .105 with the ladies.

2. Bichiro signs a five-year contract extension in 2007

He won't actually receive all $90 million until 2032. Maybe he'll be able to speak English by then.

1. Bichiro moves to Cleveland

He punches himself unconscious. The midges take care of the rest.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

YOU'RE ALL REALLY FUCKED NOW

NBA news has been kind of slow lately, as players are staying out of the public eye and getting back to work as training camp approaches. So naturally, ESPN is filling the void with its tabloid trump card: LeBron James' future.

A panel of 25 ESPN contributors were asked where LeBron would be in the summer of 2010, when he can opt out of his contract. Cleveland received 11 votes, the most of any site, while New Jersey received eight and New York five (one dolt picked Detroit, a senile vote that screams Dr. Jack Ramsay).

My friends call me Moon Unit

These days, ESPN's writers/editors/analysts/blowhards are at least accepting the possibility of LeBron remaining in Ohio, but many still want him to leave, and they're admitting it. They want him with the Knicks, or the Nets, or the Mavericks, or in Europe. Well listen up, you heathens. Instead of wondering who LeBron will join in 2010, how about wondering this: Who will join LeBron?

I recently came across a scintillating proposition by Patrick McManamon of the Akron Beacon-Journal. There's a good chance that not only will LeBron stay in Cleveland, but another superstar will join him. The Cavs are the only team in position to sign two superstars that summer. Why? Because we already have one superstar (who, by the way, will leave $20 million on the table if he doesn't re-sign with us), and we're the only team with the cap space to sign another.

Wally Szczerbiak's $13 million albatross will likely be dumped by the trade deadline this year, and Eric Snow stands to earn the last of his heinous contract this season. Big Z has a player option after this season, but he doesn't have more than two years left as a starter anyway. Anderson Varejao probably won't be a Cavalier by this time next year, and Sasha Pavlovic and Ben Wallace will choke $38 million out of us the next two years before their deals expire.

That leaves just four guaranteed contracts for 2010-11: Mo Williams, Daniel Gibson, J.J. Hickson and Delonte West, who inked a three-year deal last weekend.
Everyone's been blah-blah-blahing about how teams are positioning themselves for the free-agent feast of summer 2010, but the Nets and Knicks are floundering. LeBron says he values winning above all else, and the only team that's ready to make a splash and win right away is Cleveland, who will have a ho-hum total of 70 MILLION DOLLARS to spend that season.

I'm drooling on my keyboard as I write this. Imagine if LeBron re-signed, and Chris Bosh or Dwyane Wade or Amare Stoudemire joined him. It would be patently absurd. It would be video-game unfair. We'd be building around two superstars, a point guard who gets 17 and 6 per night, a pair of proven clutch performers, and a blossoming young forward. And none of them would be more than 27 years old.

That about sums it up

Not only would they end Cleveland's championship curse, they'd go '60s Celtics on the rest of the NBA. They'd unleash Hurricane Hardwood. An 11th commandment would be written: Thou Shall Not Fuck With the Cavaliers. It was no joke when LeBron baptized Kevin Garnett in the playoffs "WITH NO REGARD FOR HUMAN LIFE!" LeBron is an unstoppable killer, and he'd be the leader of a team of genetically engineered supermen.

Yeah I'll take on the Cavs, right after Spock drops logic

I know why Cleveland has suffered for so long. It's so clear to me now. All these are-you-fucking-kidding-me moments have been leading up to the summer of 2010, when the Cavs will assemble the greatest collection of basketball talent in history and win 12 straight NBA titles.

The fantasy is flipping from LeBron on another team to the Cavaliers on another level. A high-low game with LeBron and Chris Bosh would make John Stockton and Karl Malone cry. LeBron and Amare Stoudemire would turn every game into a slam-dunk contest. If Dwyane Wade joined LeBron, the Cavs would have two players with the wingspan of an airplane, the drive of a Terminator and the leaping ability of a velociraptor.

This realistic possibility has me more pumped than ever. No more woe-is-me shit about LeBron leaving and winning a title elsewhere. The only way he doesn't win a title in Cleveland is if we win it on the Western Conference champions' floor.

So to all you anti-Cleveland people, keep firing your guns. I'm not saying we can dodge bullets.

I'm saying that after the summer of 2010, we won't have to.

And Now for Something Probably the Same as Everything Else

As part of Creative Differences' ongoing effort to create content that is more streamlined, soulless, and devoid of any real emotion or originality, I'll be contributing a weekly (let's go with Tuesday) column all about the NFL. And by NFL, I mean the Steelers. It'll be like DJMJ's ABC's column, only not as good (that means it'll REALLY suck--just kidding Mom Jeans). It'll also be like a Peter King MMQB column, except I'll never talk about coffee, things I "learned" about football that I didn't know before, or any of that other shit that you'd expect to find in a book from a sorority reading list.

This column will not be a weekly voyage of self-discovery where you, the reader, and I, the asshole try to help each other better understand the goings-on of your favorite team with a gay mascot. It's really just going to be an opportunity for me to put more words on the site so that it looks better to Google. Perhaps someone other than the other authors of this blog can even comment on it once in awhile so that it looks like we have more than 10 readers. I promise not to pontificate about stuff you don't care about. I promise that when I run out of Steelers stuff to write about, I'll think of something really funny to post, or I'll just put up a picture of a hot chick.

I'm not asking much from you, dear reader(s). All I want is a chance to make a mediocre column that you can sorta kinda maybe enjoy at least til the part 2/3 of the way through reading that I'll sorta kinda maybe enjoy at least til I run out of ideas writing. Get all that? Good, then you're ready for tonight's first ever edition of...

THE COLUMN WITHOUT A NAME (Catchy Suggestions Welcome!)

Sunday, September 14, 2008

The ABCs: Week 2

Anyone who knows me will tell you the Pittsburgh Steelers are the only sports team I truly hate. With the exception of the Steelers and Art Modell, I really don't have anything against any particular team, athlete or executive. I make fun of everyone, sure, but don't confuse hating on with pure hating. That doesn't make me a better fan or anything. It's just the way I am.

Imagine, then, how I feel about losing 10 straight games against Pittsburgh, many in gut-wrenching fashion. It's terrible. I'm actually past the point of getting steam-spewing pissed about it. These days, I just get deflated. Seriously, it's as if someone pokes me with a sharp object and my whole body just sags into itself and slumps to the floor.

For the time being, I've managed to pull myself up to my laptop, so for the second week of the season, let me spell it out for you.

Again. We had a good chance to beat the Steelers. Again. We didn't capitalize. Again. And we lost to the Steelers. Again.

Biggest fuckup of the night goes to the secondary, for allowing the 31-yard pass to Hines Ward in the third quarter when we had Pittsburgh pinned on the 2 with its back against the Dawg Pound. You can't ask for much better from the defense overall, but that play really hurt.

Can we please get Mike Adams off the field? Is he really the third-best safety on our roster??

"Coverage"? Coach, you're not my insurance agent

Deep down, I have a horrible feeling the Browns are going to beat the Steelers in Week 17 because the game won't mean anything to either of us. They'll be AFC North champs and we'll be eliminated from the playoffs. Straight up, I would rather lose 20 consecutive significant games to the Steelers than get one bullshit win.

Everyone in the stadium was booing the decision to kick the field goal with 3:24 remaining instead of going for it on fourth-and-7. As tough as it was, I agree 100 percent with Romeo Crennel. Failing to convert on fourth down would have been disastrous, and the Steelers had struggled to run the ball in the second half.

For the second straight game, Shaun Rogers played out of his mind. The Steelers had to double-team him a lot, and even then, holding him was the only way they could stop him consistently, which drew several calls. I really, really like that trade so far.

Good God, Romeo, do you try to waste time in late situations?

The only seconds I like are at the dinner table!

Hines Ward had the dropsies all night, which is extremely uncharacteristic, even considering the wet conditions. He probably won't have a game like that again, so it's just another opportunity we missed tonight. Isn't that just DUCKY.

Interceptions have been Derek Anderson's bogus operandi lately. He's thrown seven in his last four games, including tonight's butt-plugging pick by Troy Polamaluoamoaou on the 2-yard line late in the first half.

Just once, I'd like to beat the Steelers. Is that too fucking much to ask?

Kellen Winslow is exactly the kind of player we need to beat the Steelers. He's extremely talented, he won't back down against any of them, and if he makes a mistake, it only adds more fuel to his considerable fire. If all 53 Browns played the Steelers like Kellen Winslow has the last two games, we'd have beaten them by now.

Let me be the first to declare Willie McGinest finished. He was too slow to catch Ben Toothlessberger on that decisive scramble in Pittsburgh last year, and he got pushed around again tonight. Whatever veteran leadership he provides isn't balancing out his shitty play on the field.

Michael Phelps was in the house tonight, and DJMJ favorite Al Michaels said that he's good friends with Braylon Edwards. Maybe that's why Edwards has been playing like such a pussy this year.

New defensive coordinator Mel Tucker has taken a page from Dick LeBeau's playbook. Did you see all those zany blitzes the Browns launched tonight?

First we'll blitz a safety, than all four linebackers, then members of the coaching staff, then fans from the Dawg Pound, all the way to the Super Bowl!! BYAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Once Josh Cribbs shakes that nagging ankle injury, he'll become dangerous again. Tonight, he just looked average.

Protecting Derek Anderson was a big key tonight, and the offensive line did well. Also, our defensive line got a good amount of pressure on Roethlisberger. I'm anxious to find out more about Corey Williams' injury, though.

Quite honestly, I was thrilled with the defense tonight. Sure, we had a few poor plays, but the Steelers only gained 281 yards, and it was more than the sloppy weather. I still think we need a better cornerback than Brandon McDonald opposite Eric Wright, but once Brodney Pool and Sean Jones finally get on the field together, we're set.

Receiving corps is still an issue, since Donte Stallworth missed another game tonight and Joe Jurevicius is still out. Braylon Edwards looked better, and Syndric Steptoe found a couple of seams, but we'll have to see if that lasts more than one game.

So I'll probably regret admitting this, but after the first half ended so shitty, I started thinking to myself "at least the Cavs open camp in two weeks."

Undefeated against Pittsburgh since entering the NBA

The Browns and Ohio State combined to score nine points in losing big games this weekend. If you root for both teams, your life sucks.

Until now, I thought Eric Wright was our best defensive back. But Brodney Pool has officially changed my mind. Dude is money.

Venture a guess how many penalties were called against the Steelers' secondary tonight. Give up? One, an illegal contact call on Bryant McFadden. Steelers fans will never admit it, but their secondary gets away with more shit than any other team in the league. Don't shove that "good physical play" argument down my throat. Pittsburgh's cover guys play dirty. Period.

When we make it through a game without a single egregious fuckup, I'll strip naked and breakdance through Beverly Hills.

Xerox the play that resulted in Winslow out-jumping Polamalu for a first down. It has good vibes.

You don't give a shit about the Eagles-Cowboys game Monday night? Me neither!

Zero sympathy for the Browns. So we lost our first two games. So we're a bit banged up. So we have two straight road games in the division. Big whoop. Time to toughen up and start the playoff push.


We're coming, you aborted fetus of a franchise.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Sometimes the truth isn't good enough

As we speak, The Dark Knight is beginning to settle down after rolling like a juggernaut through box office record after box office record. With $513 million in its domestic pocket, chances are good the only record The Dark Knight won't break is Titanic's $600 million haul.

The reason it's making so much money is the oldest reason in the book. It's not just loud explosions, or sexy stars, or Batman's built-in audience. There's craft behind this commercialism. The production values are just that: values. Between the impeccable cast, expert direction, near-religious subject matter and old-fashioned bravado, The Dark Knight is just plain unstoppable.

The Steelers have been almost as unstoppable against the Browns lately, and it's because the Steelers have consistently put together craft in a league of commercialism.

Winning nine straight games against a rival isn't always about where you're playing, or who's playing, or what you're calling. It's about ignoring the hype, and working hard and staying level with regards to what you're doing, which helps you weather adversity and maintain success. We had the Steelers dead to rights in Cleveland two years ago, only to watch Willie Parker score two touchdowns to erase a 20-10 deficit in the fourth quarter. You wanna tell me he didn't learn at least part of that resolve by playing with Jerome Bettis? After the Browns lost 31-28 at Heinz Field last November, I couldn't find a single Steelers fan who'd look me in the eye and tell me their team deserved to win the game. But they still did.

Go ahead and call it woulda-coulda-shoulda. Better yet, go ahead and call it jealousy, because as much as I hate to admit it, nothing is closer to the truth. I want to win five Super Bowls, I want to be considered an AFC favorite every year, I want to beat Pittsburgh so much I don't even consider it a big game, and I want to sustain the kind of success the Steelers have.

I also want to be proud of my football team, and the Browns don't usually give me or any other fan a reason to feel that way. I'm not sure Steelers fans really know what they've got. It must be nice when the biggest complaint you can muster about your quarterback is that he overblows injuries. We haven't been able to find a quarterback who can win the division, let alone the Super Bowl. If the Browns' offense fails, we struggle to win because we can't stop anybody. If the Steelers' offense fails, they still have a good chance to win because Tricky Dicky can dial up blitzes that register on the Fujita scale.

So what exactly does this have to do with The Dark Knight?

Well, the Browns haven't looked so hot after last year's surprise 10-6 season, which naturally has us fans thinking 2007 was a mirage. But even if it was, it's something we deserved.

At the end of The Dark Knight, Batman makes a staggering realization: he was never a traditional hero, he was only what Gotham needed him to be. As silly as it may sound, I think pro sports franchises act in the same way.

If you screw up something at work, a win by your favorite baseball team can make you feel better. When you meet someone new and you don't know what to talk about, rooting for the same team provides an instant dialogue. Going to a basketball game can give you something to do on a weeknight. And I'm sure there are a few New York Giants fans who can tell you sports provide some of the most memorable moments of your life.

Whether you're happy, sad, angry, bored, confused, frustrated, content, disatisfied, nervous, or excited, your sports teams are whatever you need them to be.

Batman was a hero when Gotham needed one. Once the Joker obliterated Harvey Dent (and therefore, Gotham's hope), Batman knew he had to take responsibility for Dent's death and the men he killed. He tells Jim Gordon to hunt him down, "...because that's what needs to happen. Because sometimes the truth isn't good enough. Sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded."

I can sit here and post as many farks as I want, but the reality is this: beating Pittsburgh Sunday night would not only end this Godawful nine-game losing streak, it would also legitimize us, because no league is more what-have-you-done-for-me-lately than the NFL. People would look at us as a serious challenger not just in the division, but maybe in a watered-down AFC as well.

Whether that's right or wrong isn't the point. After years and years of suffering, our team made strides in 2007, and even if those strides aren't as big as we think, a win over the Steelers would make them feel gargantuan. It would give us bragging rights for 15 weeks, and it would help us feel like we truly matter in the one sport that matters most to Cleveland.

Like Batman said, sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded.

Go Browns.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Rebuttal, I Guess

I've let DJMJ run his mouth on and on and on this week. Part of the reason I've allowed this is because he's an entertaining fellow when he's full of impotent rage. Another part of the equation is that this simply isn't a big game for me, or for any other Steelers fans. Call us when the Patriots (with Brady) or the Colts, or the Chargers come a-calling on the schedule. Don't mock my football sensibilities by telling me that I'm supposed to be juiced for a so-called "rivalry game" with a team that's beaten us all of once in the last 16 tries, and not since 2003, to boot. The Browns are an impediment to gridiron supremacy for the Steelers in the same way that the French are an impediment to military supremacy for anyone.

The Browns are just another game on the schedule. If the Browns lose, they'll be more than 0-2--they'll be psychologically destroyed, dead in the water, et al. If the Steelers lose, they'll be 1-1 and people might finally say that the Browns are at least going to present some semblance of a challenge this year.

DJMJ doesn't need to make fun of my team's QB either, I'll do it myself. Ben Roethlisberger is a pansy (a talented one, but still a pansy) who loves to talk about minor injuries and non-existent injuries like they're serious problems in need of amputation, so that when he comes out and plays (at 99% health) and torches other teams, he looks like the ultimate tough-guy gamer. He's not. He's just an excellent QB (probably the best one in the league playing a game in Week 2) that happens to have a hard-on for "playing through pain". Please. Cleveland's QB has an infinitely cooler nickname (as coined by KSK): Horse Balls. Shame of it is, Horse Balls isn't one third the passer that Big Ben is, and neither is his backup, Liberace (though some would describe him as "fabulous").

Other than that little nitpicky problem with Big Ben, what do I have to be angry or concerned about? The Steelers manhandled a Texans team that has a better secondary than the JV unit that the Browns throw out there. And to suggest that the Browns can put pressure on Roethlisberger when Tony Romo stood FLAT-FOOTED in Week 1 and just waited to see someone come open is ludicrous. The Cowboys O-Line had just as many question marks surrounding it as the Steelers did going into Week 1, and they held up just fine against Shaun Rogers and Co. (the Company, in this case, is Enron)

If you think this game will be any closer than a 3 TD blowout, you're pretty nuts. It'll be over by halftime, it won't be close, and it won't be pretty. 38-10, Steelers. Ho. Hum.

By the way, here's a few numbers besides 38 and 10 to chew on. 5-0, 15/16, 2003, 0-2. If you don't know what those mean, you're just smart enough to be the Browns head coach (except the last one, of course, which represents the Browns' record against the Steelers last year, which kept them out of the playoffs--WOO).

Oh, and by the way, I'll be there firsthand to witness the carnage. It's good to be the king.

Here's a picture totally unrelated to either team, just for fun.

RE: Steelers quarterback job

I had no idea, but apparently the Steelers make people formally apply for positions on the team. A friend of mine forwarded me this, a copy of Ben Roethlisberger's application from 2004.


Pittsburgh Steelers

"Our Art was better than Cleveland's Art"

Official Quarterback Application Form

Job Information


Name:

Ben Roehtlisbreger


Address:

Just call me Mr. Ben



Phone:

What about it

Previous football experience:

I throwed good for Miami Florida only it was in Ohio
Before that I throwed good at Findlay


References:

I don't understand



Educational Information

School/University:

That's not educational

Major:

Major what

Extracurricular activities:

I don't understand

Other comments:

You said this part would be educational but I didn't learn anything



Personal Information

Favorite music:

Fall out Boy, Kid Rock, Nickleback
Creed rocks gosh darn hard


Favorite movies:

Transfromers, Rob Schneider
Shrek because people say I look like him


Favorite TV shows:

I don't like funny shows so I watch Seinfeld


If I wasn't playing football I would be:

Pooping

My personal hero is:

Bomberman

One thing I like about myself is:

I took the training wheels off my bike last week

One thing I don't like about myself is:

The way I smell after playing football


Thing I like most about Pittsburgh:

People here are as smart as me

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Raiders of the Lost Fark

Good afternoon, class.


I'm your professor, Dr. Henry Walden Jones VI. This is Athletic Anthropology 201, and our first chapter deals with the massacre in Cleveland on September 14, 2008.

Before we delve into the precious artifacts recently discovered from this catastrophic event, I'd like to give you some background. On Sept. 14, the football team then known as the Cleveland Browns played its rival, a team called the Pittsburgh Steelers. The original Browns team had been moved from Cleveland to Baltimore in 1996 by a man named Art Modell, whom Ohioan cultures consider the embodiment of the devil. But in the year 1999, the National Football League granted Cleveland a new team, and the city retained the Browns' uniform and nickname.

From the 1999 season to Sept. 14, 2008, however, the Steelers dominated every facet of the rivalry. They went 16-3 during that time, and with the exception of a 20-point Browns victory in 2003 - which Pope Bob Saget II has since declared a miracle - there was extreme anger and frustration building up inside the Browns and their fans.

By the 2008 season, the Browns had a good amount of talent on their roster, and while the Steelers were talented as well, all the anger and frustration was unleashed on that fateful Sunday night.

The voracious beatdown claimed the life of every single Steeler on the field, and the tornadic storm resulted in the deaths of several hundred fans, too, before engulfing the stadium and burying it far beneath the Earth's surface. After the game, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell indefinitely suspended play, and the league never recovered.

What's of interest to this class, however, and thus of interest to you, are the discoveries of Steelers artifacts by the Northern Ohio expedition last summer.


This is a cinammon donut, a common delicacy during the 21st century, and as you can see, a bite has been taken. Otherwise unremarkable, it has been determined through DNA samples that the donut belonged to defensive tackle Casey Hampton, and he was actually keeping it in his shoulder pads so he could nibble on it between plays.


This was known as a "promise ring" and it belong to Steelers safety Anthony Smith, who kept it in his pocket. It was given to him by then-boyfriend DeShawn Stevenson, though historians don't believe the relationship would have lasted since Smith is terrible at keeping his word.


This adult diaper was worn by receiver Hines Ward, whom historians believe wet himself repeatedly during games, judging by his facial expressions after every catch.


The rock band Nickelback was popular during the early 21st century for no apparent reason. This copy of the successful album "All the Right Reasons" belonged to quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, who stuffed his pants with it.


Fans of the Steelers waved this artifact, known as a "terrible towel", at the game. After exhaustive research, archaeologists concluded there is nothing terrible about the towel, so the named was changed to "douchebag dishrag."


For the game, the Steelers replaced their offensive line with blocks of swiss cheese after deciding they would produce the same results, but the cheese would cost less. Plus, it smelled better than center Justin Hartwig.


These sunglasses, known as "aviators", were worn by Steelers coach Mike Tomlin. Even Browns fans acknowledged he totally rocked them.


This collection of candy hearts belonged to Steelers receiver Limas Sweed, whose soft play earned him the nickname "Sweedie Pie."


Diggers actually uncovered the corpse of DeShea Townsend, who played cornerback for the Steelers. Historians questioned his actual existence, because Steelers fans claimed he disappeared during many games.


Because of his intimidating demeanor, Steelers players called linebacker James Harrison "Silverback", and Anthony Smith gave him these bananas as a joke. It wasn't a joke to Harrison, however, who castrated Smith on the spot.


Punter Daniel Sepulveda suffered a knee injury before the 2008 season, and he wasn't even playing in the game on Sept. 14. But that didn't stop Browns defensive tackle Shaun Rogers from running him down on the sideline and ripping him limb from limb. Archaeologists were only able to recover his head.


These scrungies belonged to safety Troy Polamalu, who defied the team's hard-nosed reputation with his supremely girly hair.


Finally, this crude stick no doubt belonged to a Steelers fan at the game. Paleontologists cite Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania as the biggest collection of neanderthals in Earth's history.



That's all for today. For the next class, I want you to read pages 8-45 of "Derek Bell's Extortion Extravaganza" and
listen to the audio file "HERE WE GO, STILL-ERS, HERE WE GO" for our chapter on mongoloids.

Dismissed.