Mighty Morphin Power Rankings, Week 9

“After 10,000 years I’m free! It’s time to conquer Earrrrth!”
--Rita Repulsa

“After like…a long time, we’re free! No more ‘Peyton Manning is so awesome’ blather!”
--All NFL fans not residing in Indianapolis

That’s pretty much the most important thing we learned in this past week, children. The Titans might not be a fantastic team, but they’re clearly the class of the AFC South, which is big news. The Colts? They’re officially a middling team, at least for this season. To honor this changing of the guard, let’s try and assign a character from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers to each team, shall we? It’s about time we incorporated these rankings’ namesake into the proceedings beyond a simple picture.

1. Tennessee Titans (7-0)—They’ve got to be Lord Zedd, “Master of evil" and all around scary looking dude. I say this because Lord Zedd, after watching Rita Repulsa fuck up repeatedly each and every weekday afternoon, finally got sick and tired of it and went to dispatch the Power Rangers himself. The Titans, after watching the Colts shit the bed for most of the season thus far, took command of the division by virtue of their big win Monday night. And they’ve even got a goofy looking leader who can frighten children with just a look—Jeff Fisher.

2. New York Giants (6-1)—These guys certainly showed championship chops on the road in Pittsburgh, even if it was against an extremely banged up Steelers team. For their resourceful win, they’ve got to be Billy, the Blue Ranger, who somehow managed to defeat the enemy using his resourcefulness and cunning, in spite of the fact that he was a huge pussy. Not that any of the Giants are pussies—at least, besides Eli.

3. Carolina Panthers (6-2)—Pretty impressive home win against a better than you think Falcons team. I was wrong about this team, at least so far, because I didn’t see them staying the course after losing two straight after a 2-0 start. For that, I’ve got to make them the Green Ranger, who was evil at first, then good, then maybe tried to be evil again, but ultimately was good. I guess that’s what I think is going to happen with this team—they’re probably going to end up with the 2 seed in the NFC. Of course, unlike the Green Ranger, they don’t have a super fucking cool Dragonzord to kick ass with.

4. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-2)—I’m not willing to drop them very far, because they would have won that game, had they not had enough injuries to start their very own MASH unit. When the game is essentially decided by a long-snapper, that’s where I tend to go “hmm” and wonder just how much one team was really better than the other. Still, I think I’ll have to go with them as being Goldar, the idiot henchman of Rita Repulsa and Lord Zedd, whose best laid plans often go awry, often due to rotten luck. Oh, and sometimes Goldar fucks up because of his own incompetence, which would explain Big Ben’s 4 INTs.

5. Washington Redskins (6-2)—They needed to put away the Lions sooner, though they eventually got it done in the end. Nothing spectacular about this team, but they’re generally solid and steady, and tend to get the job done. They’re clearly the Red Ranger (evidently getting ready for a little "power up" from the head below), a reliable, leader-ish guy who stands tall when the battle is most fierce. They’re playing Goldar next week, and the Red Ranger always kicked Goldar’s ass, but then again, the Red Ranger isn’t necessarily used to fighting on Monday Night Football.

6. Buffalo Bills (5-2)—Tough to lose to the Dolphins, but at least it was a road loss. They definitely should have won the game, though, so I’ll put them into the mix as Rita Repulsa, a chronic underachiever who never did seem to finish things off. This is not to say that the Bills are a supposedly all-powerful sorceress living on the Moon, but I don’t think it’d be out of the question to say that they try to win football games by creating monsters out of clay. It is Buffalo, after all.

7. New England Patriots (5-2)—Everyone is talking about this team like they might be able to make serious noise because they haven’t completely gone in the tank—but they’re forgetting that the Pats play the league’s easiest schedule! Trust me, by the end of the year, New England will be walking around making noises and looking awful on the field. If they stagger into the playoffs, they’ll be easily dealt with by a superior team. In fact, they’ll probably provide as much resistance as…putties.

8. Tampa Bay Bucs (5-3)—I’m not sure what to think about this team. Kind of a mystery, probably should have beaten the Cowboys, even though a desperate team at home usually wins that sort of game. So what character was a mystery on the show? The White Ranger, of course. Don’t you remember waiting with bated breath to find out who it was (if you were me, you were hoping Patrick Swayze), only to see that fucking Green Ranger guy under the mask? Yeah, fuck that.

9. Philadelphia Eagles (4-3)—Got a gift touchdown from the officiating crew, but it was still a good home win. Right now, what this team is doing is the definition of “lurking”. They don’t scare me a whole lot, primarily because I have serious doubts about whether Brian Westbrook can stay healthy for the whole year. If he can, and McNabb also stays off the injury list, then we could have a dark-horse Super Bowl contender. If not, they’ll go in the tank. So, what do you call a team with all this potential to go either way? You call them the Red Ranger, too, because there were plenty of rumors that he was queer as a three dollar bill on top of Elton John’s piano. Actually, you call them by the Red Ranger’s real name, Austin St. John. Sounds much more bisexual—or at least, pornographic.

10. Atlanta Falcons (4-3)—Showed a lot in defeat at Philadelphia. Yes, it’s a statement game and yes, you’d prefer not to blow a lead on the road, but the fact that they were in the game right until the end and were arguably a horrible call away from winning makes me think they’ve got staying power. In fact, the way they hung in there and never gave up kind of reminds me of a rather famous robot—the Megazord! Except, you know, the Megazord eventually got swallowed up into the earth.

11. Arizona Cardinals (4-3)—How can you not be impressed by the Buzzsaw’s ability to hang around and be right in the thick of things? They should have beaten Carolina, and they might be starting, as ludicrous as this sounds, to hear footsteps from the Rams, but they keep scoring points, and might just waltz into the playoffs at 8-8. For their mediocrity and mysterious staying power, they are the second Black Ranger (trust me, that's him). You know, the vaguely Asian one who kind of sucked all around? The real Black Ranger was a badass AND was missing one of his middle fingers. Second Black Ranger? Fuck him.

12. Dallas Cowboys (5-3)—They’re not good, but the feeling is that they’ll somehow stagger into the playoffs as the sixth seed, whereupon everyone can proclaim them the most talented sixth seed ever, only to watch them get obliterated by the Bears in the first round when the team wilts in the cold of Chicago. The Cowboys don’t get a Power Ranger attached to them, because I don’t like them. Oh, and I hope T.O. gets hit by a bus.

13. New Orleans Saints (4-4)—Evened the record with a big win overseas, as they continued their trend of scoring slightly more points than they give up. I’d make a diuretic joke here, but really, I think we need to be more concerned with the health of these players. I wouldn’t want them to think that they need to be so thin that they start wasting away. In honor of their desire to shed water weight, they can be the Dragonzord, a machine that could hear an annoying sword-flute from 10,000 feet under water and then not be waterlogged when he came to battle some 200-foot tall platypus with a cannon shaped like a guitar.

14. New York Jets (4-3)—These guys are starting to get on my fucking nerves, and it has everything to do with one player. I am of course referring to Brett Favre. I am not a Brett Favre fan, nor have I ever been. I still fondly remember Greg Lloyd knocking him into the next county in his first NFL start. I hope Brett retires to take a job as the next Lions head coach. Because they’re such an annoying team, I’m going to bestow on them the title of Blue Ranger. Yes, as you’ve already seen, repeats are allowed. The Blue Ranger was so fucking infuriating because he had the fighting skills of an 11-year old girl with gout, yet he always somehow “got the job done.” Brett Favre looked like an 11-year old quarterback for most of the Chiefs game, but somehow “got the job done.” Argh.

15. Chicago Bears (4-3)—Somehow, their problem drinker of a quarterback has turned into the Purdue version of himself and is slinging brews all over the field. This begs the question, which one of the characters from MMPR would have made the most likely problem drinker. Truth be told, I have to go with Alpha 5, that little mechanical shit. Following the orders of a disembodied floating head should have been enough to tell viewers that this guy was at least shrooming, if not worse. He probably popped off to the preparation chamber, where he got freaky with some other robots and a little Absinthe.

16. Green Bay Packers (4-3)—If the Jets, and by extension Brett Favre are the Blue Ranger, an annoying twerp, then the Packers, and by extension Aaron Rodgers, are the original, badass, evil Green Ranger, coming to sling destruction and mow down everything in their path. Fuck yeah, Aaron Rodgers.

17. San Diego Chargers (3-5)—Remember when the Rangers would really be getting their asses handed to them, even with the Green Ranger around, so they would combine all their zords and make the Ultrazord? It was a guaranteed win at that point—no enemy ever withstood the Ultrazord’s power. Funny thing was, the Ultrazord just kinda shot a bunch of random fireworks in the direction of its enemy, looking very pretty, yes, but never really doing much in the way of damage. The Chargers are the Ultrazord—except they lose.

18. Denver Broncos (4-3)—Inexplicably haven’t gone down in flames yet. But hey, my little 8-8 prediction looks better and better every day now, doesn’t it? Really, they have to be Finster, the clay monster-making guy that would have been killed by any legitimate evil being for the repeated failures of his monsters. Instead, he just kind of hung around, didn’t do much, kept making shitty monsters. So goes life in the Power Rangers universe.

19. Indianapolis Colts (3-4)—They are the entire Power Rangers show, after you hit the age of 12 and realized how stupid it all was. After it faded into oblivion, or at least was passed down to a younger generation, you were quite happy to see it gone. That’s the Colts.

20. Minnesota Vikings (3-4)—I honestly sat and tried to think of a character to apply to this team, but they were so boring, I couldn’t really think of anyone to give them. I guess let’s just make them one of the almost non-existent parents on the show, people that made a random appearance so that they could get kidnapped and their dipshit kids could dress up in spandex and save them.

21. Baltimore Ravens (4-3)—DEFINITELY Goldar. Who else on the show was more talk and less action? “Ohhh your evilness, I’ll get those Rangers this time” or “Ohhh my Lord, I will serve you without fail” or “The Rangers will be crushed” blah blah blah. It’s like hearing Terrell Suggs blather on about a bounty, and just like you always knew Goldar would fail, you know Suggs is going to have his spleen in his throat after Hines Ward puts him to sleep when the teams meet again. I fucking hate the Ravens.

22. Miami Dolphins (3-4)—Joey Porter didn’t watch no fucking Power Rangers…shit was gay.

23. Cleveland Browns (3-4)—The as-yet-uncreated Brown Ranger, who could one week be as fertile offensively as dark, rich soil, and the next week just be a huge turd.

24. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-4)—Do not deserve a Power Ranger.

25. Houston Texans (3-4)—Got a quarterback on your roster named Sage? Then you, friends, are most certainly Zordon!

26. St. Louis Rams (2-5)—In spite of their loss to the Patriots, I think that the Rams are going to be the White Ranger, because they’re going to go through the magical juvenation machine in the second half of the season and win the NFC Worst. They have too much potential not to end up being decent. Kind of like Amy Jo Johnson, the original Pink Ranger, had too much potential (NSFW!) to just do kids shows. If you would have asked me my prediction for these guys after the first four games of the season, I’d have said the franchise was more likely to fold than have the scenario I just described play out.

27. Seattle Seahawks (2-5)—Do not deserve a Power Ranger.

28. Oakland Raiders (2-5)—Silver Ranger, a little-known Ranger with a propensity for getting rid of all the other Rangers and then recruiting new ones at least three to four times every year.

29. San Francisco 49ers (2-6)—Mike Singletary alone makes them a Megazord overall, and the Ultrazord in terms of unintentional comedy potential. In fact, stay tuned later tonight, as we’ll be debuting a new, KSK-esque recurring character to the blog.

30. Kansas City Chiefs (1-6)—The Chiefs look to be on life support at this point, or maybe just dead in the water. This makes them Thuy Trang, the Yellow Ranger. And yes, I’m well aware of how tasteless this one was.

31. Detroit Lions (0-7)—Bulk.

32. Cincinnati Bengals (0-8)—Skull.

Mighty Morphin Power Rankings, Week 8

Let’s delve right in, shall we? And no, I’m not going to put the Patriots at number 1, even though their big win obviously proves that no coach in the league is as fackin’ great as Belichek. You also might wonder why we skipped from Week 6 to Week 8…let’s just go with “your author is an idiot” and leave it at that.

1. Tennessee Titans (6-0)—No truth to the rumor that Chiefs defenders were slipping on the grease that comes from LenDale White’s pores as they were trying to catch him while he lumbered 80 yards for a touchdown. Plenty of truth to the rumor, however, that Jeff Fisher is probably at the head of the line for coach of the year. (Last week, 1)

2. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-1)—Not exactly a scintillating performance in Cincinnati, regardless of what the final score might have been. Mewelde Moore has been a beast filling in for Willie Parker, and he’ll need to continue to be one as the Steelers are now entering the Varsity portion of their schedule. (Last week, 2)

3. New York Giants (5-1)—They managed to get Mike Nolan fired, but they didn’t look particularly terrific against a very bad 49ers team. They’ll need to bring it a hell of a lot harder than that this week against the Steelers, or else they’ll be looking at 5-2. (Last week, 4)

4. Buffalo Bills (5-1)—I’ve been sold on these guys from the outset, and they got a bigtime home win over the Chargers, in spite of a power outage. Lee Evans’ catch in the corner of the end zone should only be described as “silly”. (Last week, 5)

5. Washington Redskins (5-2)—If the Giants were unimpressive, the Redskins were as convincing in victory as Clay Aiken was in heterosexuality. Hence, they drop 2 spots, for a 3 point win over the Browns is like a loss to most other teams. (Last week, 3)

6. Arizona Cardinals (4-2)—Let me state for the record that this is not the sixth-best team in the league. However, if they continue to not lose, I have no choice but to continue to put them this high. I will say, though, that no team in the top 10 has as much potential to get blown out by 30 on any given week as the Cards do. (Last week, 7)

7. Tampa Bay Bucs (5-2)—Another team that, though solid, I just can’t get too excited about. This refrain will be playing all year, even though they’re like the Bills of the NFC, and I’ve already stated my fondness for the Bills. Maybe it’s Jon Gruden. Scratch that, it’s definitely Jon Gruden. (Last week, 8)

8. Carolina Panthers (5-2)—Pounding the Saints the way they did should probably count for more than a whopping 1 spot jump in the rankings, but it’s more the teams behind them in last week’s rankings that warranted an ass-kicking, not the ones in front. Keep winning, fair Panthers, and you’ll get your due. (Last week, 9)

9. Green Bay Packers (4-3)—These guys got a statement win by smoking a Colts team that I could have told you wasn’t quite itself. They look like the class of the NFC North, even if Brett Favre is trying to give away all their dirty secrets like a jilted member of the cheerleading squad. Statement wins are big with me, so the Pack gets a huge jump. (Last week, 19)

10. Atlanta Falcons (4-2)—Time to maybe start giving them their due, methinks, even though they didn’t play last week. Matt Ryan certainly looks like the real deal, and if they can keep winning, a rather improbable wild-card birth could be in the offing. Now all they have to do is get anyone in Atlanta to care. (Last week, 16)

11. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-3)—At this point it becomes a question of who the hell to put here, as most of the middle of the rankings laid a huge egg, and biases aside, I’m absolutely not sold at all on the Patriots. I guess the Jaguars draw the longest straw and take the number 11 spot. Speaking of straws, Matt Jones was suspended for three games today. Can you look at the pun in the last sentence and figure out why? (Last week, 17)

12. Chicago Bears (4-3)—Maybe the biggest surprise of this season so far is that Kyle Orton is keeping the Bears afloat in spite of their defense, and not the other way around. Given Orton’s less than stellar career to this point, and propensity to drink massive quantities of booze, is it fair to call him a “recovering starting quarterback” at this point? I think so. Also, giving up 41 points to the Vikings is like giving up 100 to anyone else. Shame on you, Bears. (Last week, 20)

13. New England Patriots (4-2)—I’m sorry, but I do not see how anyone can get particularly excited about them scoring 41 points on a team with no defense, and managing to shut down an offense that hasn’t really played well since the first few games of the season. I will say, though, that Rodney Harrison’s season and possibly career-ending injury is something that makes me very, very happy. And no, I’m not ashamed to say that. If Mr. Cheap Shot makes it to the Hall of Fame, I’m going to chew shot glasses for breakfast for a week. (Last week, 14)

14. Philadelphia Eagles (3-3)—Got healthy during the bye week, and watched the sinking ship that is the Cowboys lose another game. Things are going pretty well for the Eagles, I’d say. 11-5, which isn’t unfathomable, probably gets them a playoff spot at this rate. However, if they can’t stay healthy, all bets are off, and more than likely placed on other, more stable teams. (Last week, 18)

15. San Diego Chargers (3-4)—They lost to a good team on the road, and it wasn’t necessarily a ridiculous blowout. I’m willing to go on the record as saying that 9-7 will win the AFC West, and that the Chargers will probably be the team posting that record. They need to saddle up and beat on the Saints this week, or I might have to rethink that. (Last week, 12)

16. Indianapolis Colts (3-3)—Atrocious performance in Green Bay. I wish I could put them lower, but we still have to consider the…(Last week, 10)

17. Denver Broncos (4-3)—Even more atrocious than the Colts, and by far the worst team in the league with a winning record. Really quite awful, but not as bad as the…(Last week, 11)

18. New York Jets (3-3)—A team that loses to the Raiders deserves to be down this far, but they don’t deserve to be down as far as a team that loses to the Rams like the…(Last week, 13)

19. Dallas Cowboys (4-3)—Remember what I just said about the Denver Broncos being the worst team with a winning record? Dallas won’t have a winning record much longer. What a fucking trainwreck. Couldn’t happen to, for the most part, a bigger bunch of jackasses. T.O. is proving to be, as usual, their undoing. (Last week, 6)

20. New Orleans Saints (3-4)—Monster underachievers, and I don’t see them getting a win in London either. Reggie Bush being banged up is just another thing to add to the list of woe in N.O. (Last week, 15)

21. Minnesota Vikings (3-4)—Remember when they were a trendy Super Bowl pick? Me neither. This should be a cautionary tale, kids—never trust your team’s future to an unproven quarterback who doesn’t seem to possess the ability to hit the broad side of a barn with any of his passes. (Last week, 21)

22. Baltimore Ravens (3-3)—Stuffed the Wildcat offense in Miami, still aren’t anything better than a middle of the road team. They do have some intrigue about them, though, as it seems like Joe Flacco has the tools to be a legitimate quarterback in this league. (Last week, 24)

23. St. Louis Rams (2-4)—Don’t call me crazy for saying this, but if someone gave me 10-1 odds on them winning the division today, I’d take them. Why not? Playing like a team with a new lease on their football lives right now, which might force me to put a moratorium on my Jim Haslett bashing. (Last week, 30)

24. Houston Texans (2-4)—With the Colts playing the Titans and the Texans getting the Bengals this week, it’s conceivable that the Texans could be one fourth-quarter collapse away from second place in the division all by themselves. (Last week, 25)

25. Cleveland Browns (2-4)—Paging Dr. Quinn, Medicine woman! (Last week, 22)

26. Miami Dolphins (2-4)—I still can’t help but think that this team is one year away from making some pretty serious noise in at least their division. Don’t ask me why, though, because I couldn’t give an answer that had any semblance of rational thought involved. (Last week, 23)

27-28. San Francisco 49ers/Seattle Seahawks (2-5, 1-5)—Playing each other this week, and you know what that means…PILLOW FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!! (This is funnier if you imagine a 13-year old girl with Jonas Brothers posters all over her walls saying it to her friends while they gossip viciously about those that aren’t present.) (Last week, 26, 27)

29. Oakland Raiders (2-4)—I know, I know, they won, they should be higher on this list, they shouldn’t have dropped a spot, whatever. Consider this another portion of my protest against Al Davis. (Last week, 28)

30. Kansas City Chiefs (1-5)—Quite possibly a worse team than either one that will follow it in these rankings—still, they’ve got a win. Larry Johnson, by the way, is a sack of shit and no one should root for him. If he and Rodney Harrison collided on a football field and were motionless, I’d root for heavy traffic for the ambulance to navigate. (Last week, 29)

31. Detroit Lions (0-6)—I don’t know, they’re at least sort of entertaining to watch in defeat. Not very, but sort of. (Last week, 32)

32. Cincinnati Bengals (0-7)—Played the Steelers tough for three quarters. Forgot that football games last 4. (Last week, 31)

Mighty Morphin Power Rankings, Week 6

God, power rankings are great. When I get up in the morning on a Tuesday or Wednesday, I know I'll have several outlets ready to provide me with knee-jerk, snap analysis and arbitrary rankings that have NO bearing on team success. We all know several people who don't give two shits about their team's record, but rather get quite huffy if their team isn't properly placed in the power rankings. So, in the interest of pissing more people off, Creative Differences is proud to present the first edition of the "Mighty Morphin Power Rankings."

1. Tennessee Titans (5-0): What is there to say about the Titans that isn't positive? Oh, the fact that they have no real offensive stars, no gamebreaking big play threats, and a recovering alcoholic at quarterback? With the defense they play, it's tough to find fault with them in spite of everything else.

2. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-1): This seems about right, although I am not sold on them being the second best team in the league right now. It's more a reflection of where I think they could end up at the end of the season, provided their papier-mache quarterback can stay upright long enough to keep finding receivers. A lot depends on his offensive line, though, and that's a bad thing.

3. Washington Redskins (4-2): Too high, you say? Why are they higher than a 1-loss team that beat them earlier this year? Have you started to drink the crazy juice FLS? No, I just think that when the dust settles, a loss to a winless team in a classic letdown game is a lot more palatable than a loss to a 1-3 team on Monday Night Football, especially when one loss is last second, and the other is by 3 TD's.

4. New York Giants (4-1): Tough not to be a little concerned with the way they made Derek Anderson look like Johnny Unitas and abandoned the run so early against a truly ghastly Browns team. If you're the defending champs, Monday Night Football against an inept team is a time when you're supposed to handle your business. The Jints didn't.

5. Buffalo Bills (4-1): Yes, they're coming off a bye, and their last game wasn't pretty, but this team has shown that it does too many things well to be discounted, especially if Trent Edwards is healthy. Easily the class of what's shaping up to be a very iffy division, and a team that looks to be built for playoff football.

6. Dallas Cowboys (4-2): It's awfully tough for me to put them this high, but the teams that will come behind them I find to be far more fatally flawed than the 'Boys. If they can squeak by at 2-2 without Tony Romo, they'll be just dandy to end the season on a nice 5-1 tear and stroll into the playoffs, because I just don't see the rest of that division keeping up their current pace this whole year.

7. Arizona Cardinals (4-2): Can't believe I'm putting them this high, because I really don't think they're this good, and I think the rest of the season is going to bear that out. Still, they can score on anybody, and their division is awful, so that has to be worth something at this point in the game. If Warner is hurt though, they're going to come right back to the pack.

8. Tampa Bay Bucs (4-2): There are 4-2 teams that impress me, and then there are those that don't. For whatever reason, be it Jon Gruden's dislike for Jeff Garcia, a good quarterback, or something else altogether, I simply don't believe in them as a legit division winner or playoff contender. On paper, they seem to be the strongest team in the division, but we all know that the game isn't played on paper. It's played on grass. In stadiums. In front of people.

With a ball.

9. Carolina Panthers (4-2): Another team I have a hard time believing in or figuring out. I said when they were 2-0 that the return of Steve Smith would screw them up, and they've been a pedestrian 2-2 since. I'm not sure who wants to win the NFC South, but right now they're as good a choice as any to do so.

10. Indianapolis Colts (3-2): I'm really not sure if they belong this high or not, but if Pey-Pey is indeed healthy, you can bet they'll score points. The Texans gift-wrapped a game for them, else they'd be in serious trouble for the season, but it's hard to imagine them not ending up at 12-4 or 11-5 and getting in as a wild card. Still, if Manning gets hurt, they're done.

11. Denver Broncos (4-2): There is not another team in the NFL with a winning record that I'm less impressed with than the Broncos. If they had anything approaching a defense at all, I'd be inclined to say that they could stagger into the playoffs at 10-6, but I can't see Jay Cutler and friends scoring enough points to even boost them above .500 for the season. Certainly, they won't do enough to hold off the...

12. San Diego Chargers (3-3): The Chargers are an enigma, capable of blowing up anyone in the league one week, then laying a colossal egg the next. If LT gets healthy at some point, they obviously become more formidable, but whether or not that ever happens remains to be seen. Still, they look like the best in a mediocre division.

13. New York Jets (3-2): From here on, the rankings consist mostly of teams that don't excite me as possible troublemakers for the rest of the season. The Jets seem like the third best team in a division that only has one really good team, but I'm putting them above the Patriots because they're better at the quarterback position.

14. New England Patriots (3-2): Sorry Billy, but without lil' Tommy and some "advance scouting", you and your squad are nothing more than a middle of the road bunch. Nothing to see here, people, please keep moving.

15. New Orleans Saints (3-2): The run on "New" teams continues, with a group that I think will end up winning the NFC South teetering near the bottom half of the rankings. The Vikings loss was absolutely atrocious, and wins against the Raiders should only count for half at this point.

16. Atlanta Falcons (4-2): Nice story, really, but I'd like to see a few more wins against better competition before I hand Matty Ice the keys to my heart. Shame that the Georgia Dome crowd was so sparse for the pulsating finish against the Bears, but I guess ATLiens would rather get behind a convicted felon, than a guy that, you know, seems to have a knack for winning games.

17. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-3): Still have to be kicking themselves for not taking care of business against the Steelers at home, especially when it seems that their playoff lives are very tenuous, at least at this early juncture. David Garrard doesn't look like the player he was last year, and the inability of the defense to pressure the opposing quarterback is hurting them.

18. Philadelphia Eagles (3-3): Wildly inconsistent team that I was ready to anoint a contender after they beat up the Steelers, but now am not so sure about, even coming off a 14-point win on the road. If they can't stay healthy, they've got no chance, especially when it looks like 9-7 might be good for dead last within the division.

19-21. Please put the Packers, Vikings, and Bears and their 3-3 records in any order you prefer in order to fill these spots in the rankings, because I damn sure don't have a clue what separates them.

22. Cleveland Browns (2-3): Not sure if what we saw Monday night was a mirage, but if it wasn't, the Steelers might actually have some competition for the division crown after all. Still, I'm tempted to say that it was in fact a mirage, but that's just the pessimist in me.

23. Miami Dolphins (2-3): Nowhere else to put them, really, but they certainly look like a team capable of winning 7-8 games and not being a complete embarassment. What's more, since Parcells is running the show, they'll probably be good for 11 wins and a playoff spot next year. Hope springs eternal at the bottom of the rankings for you, Dolphins fans.

24. Baltimore Ravens (2-3): They simply can't score enough to be considered even an average team. It's a shame, because the D is just so good. It's almost enough to make you feel sorry for Ray Lewis, until you realize that he's Ray Lewis.

25. Houston Texans (1-4): Should be 2-3, generally fight harder than most of the teams at the end of this list, so therefore, I'll put them above at least 1 team that has more than 1 win. Still, fighting hard doesn't exactly get you anywhere in today's NFL, now does it?

26. San Francisco 49ers (2-4): J.T. O'Sullivan is starting to look kinda ehh-ish, and that's not a good thing for a team that can use any kind of good news. Still, when Arizona is your division leader, you've always got a shot.

27. Seattle Seahawks (1-4): I'll say what everyone else says: Wasn't it just a few years ago that this team was in the Super Bowl? Just pathetic all the way around. Happy trails, Holmgren.

28. Oakland Raiders (1-4): I'd really like to put them lower, but doing things to spite Al Davis, especially when he'll never see this post, just seem a little bit unnecessary--kind of like the Lane Kiffin firing. Congratulations Raider fans, you're all stuck in hell!

29. Kansas City Chiefs (1-4): So awful. They didn't trade Tony Gonzalez, Larry Johnson is in more trouble with the law, and they just seem like they don't have anything whatsoever to look at with positive feelings. Ahh, the life of a doormat.

30. St. Louis Rams (1-4): ONLY because they have a win. Trust me though, I'm rooting for them to go 1-15 and lose every remaining game by 60 so Jim Haslett can never coach another team in any capacity ever again.

31. Cincinnati Bengals (0-6): Tough call here--the Bengals stink, but they've been marginally competitive for a few games, so we can't completely trash them. However, the next team on this list can be completely trashed, and that's why they're in the basement.

32. Detroit Lions (0-5): Traded Roy Williams, their best player, for three draft picks. Can't wait to see which 3 wide receivers they decide to pick. Still, every day where Matt Millen isn't employed by the team is a good one.