Friday, October 31, 2008

Mighty Morphin Power Rankings, Week 9

“After 10,000 years I’m free! It’s time to conquer Earrrrth!”
--Rita Repulsa

“After like…a long time, we’re free! No more ‘Peyton Manning is so awesome’ blather!”
--All NFL fans not residing in Indianapolis

That’s pretty much the most important thing we learned in this past week, children. The Titans might not be a fantastic team, but they’re clearly the class of the AFC South, which is big news. The Colts? They’re officially a middling team, at least for this season. To honor this changing of the guard, let’s try and assign a character from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers to each team, shall we? It’s about time we incorporated these rankings’ namesake into the proceedings beyond a simple picture.

1. Tennessee Titans (7-0)—They’ve got to be Lord Zedd, “Master of evil" and all around scary looking dude. I say this because Lord Zedd, after watching Rita Repulsa fuck up repeatedly each and every weekday afternoon, finally got sick and tired of it and went to dispatch the Power Rangers himself. The Titans, after watching the Colts shit the bed for most of the season thus far, took command of the division by virtue of their big win Monday night. And they’ve even got a goofy looking leader who can frighten children with just a look—Jeff Fisher.

2. New York Giants (6-1)—These guys certainly showed championship chops on the road in Pittsburgh, even if it was against an extremely banged up Steelers team. For their resourceful win, they’ve got to be Billy, the Blue Ranger, who somehow managed to defeat the enemy using his resourcefulness and cunning, in spite of the fact that he was a huge pussy. Not that any of the Giants are pussies—at least, besides Eli.

3. Carolina Panthers (6-2)—Pretty impressive home win against a better than you think Falcons team. I was wrong about this team, at least so far, because I didn’t see them staying the course after losing two straight after a 2-0 start. For that, I’ve got to make them the Green Ranger, who was evil at first, then good, then maybe tried to be evil again, but ultimately was good. I guess that’s what I think is going to happen with this team—they’re probably going to end up with the 2 seed in the NFC. Of course, unlike the Green Ranger, they don’t have a super fucking cool Dragonzord to kick ass with.

4. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-2)—I’m not willing to drop them very far, because they would have won that game, had they not had enough injuries to start their very own MASH unit. When the game is essentially decided by a long-snapper, that’s where I tend to go “hmm” and wonder just how much one team was really better than the other. Still, I think I’ll have to go with them as being Goldar, the idiot henchman of Rita Repulsa and Lord Zedd, whose best laid plans often go awry, often due to rotten luck. Oh, and sometimes Goldar fucks up because of his own incompetence, which would explain Big Ben’s 4 INTs.

5. Washington Redskins (6-2)—They needed to put away the Lions sooner, though they eventually got it done in the end. Nothing spectacular about this team, but they’re generally solid and steady, and tend to get the job done. They’re clearly the Red Ranger (evidently getting ready for a little "power up" from the head below), a reliable, leader-ish guy who stands tall when the battle is most fierce. They’re playing Goldar next week, and the Red Ranger always kicked Goldar’s ass, but then again, the Red Ranger isn’t necessarily used to fighting on Monday Night Football.

6. Buffalo Bills (5-2)—Tough to lose to the Dolphins, but at least it was a road loss. They definitely should have won the game, though, so I’ll put them into the mix as Rita Repulsa, a chronic underachiever who never did seem to finish things off. This is not to say that the Bills are a supposedly all-powerful sorceress living on the Moon, but I don’t think it’d be out of the question to say that they try to win football games by creating monsters out of clay. It is Buffalo, after all.

7. New England Patriots (5-2)—Everyone is talking about this team like they might be able to make serious noise because they haven’t completely gone in the tank—but they’re forgetting that the Pats play the league’s easiest schedule! Trust me, by the end of the year, New England will be walking around making noises and looking awful on the field. If they stagger into the playoffs, they’ll be easily dealt with by a superior team. In fact, they’ll probably provide as much resistance as…putties.

8. Tampa Bay Bucs (5-3)—I’m not sure what to think about this team. Kind of a mystery, probably should have beaten the Cowboys, even though a desperate team at home usually wins that sort of game. So what character was a mystery on the show? The White Ranger, of course. Don’t you remember waiting with bated breath to find out who it was (if you were me, you were hoping Patrick Swayze), only to see that fucking Green Ranger guy under the mask? Yeah, fuck that.

9. Philadelphia Eagles (4-3)—Got a gift touchdown from the officiating crew, but it was still a good home win. Right now, what this team is doing is the definition of “lurking”. They don’t scare me a whole lot, primarily because I have serious doubts about whether Brian Westbrook can stay healthy for the whole year. If he can, and McNabb also stays off the injury list, then we could have a dark-horse Super Bowl contender. If not, they’ll go in the tank. So, what do you call a team with all this potential to go either way? You call them the Red Ranger, too, because there were plenty of rumors that he was queer as a three dollar bill on top of Elton John’s piano. Actually, you call them by the Red Ranger’s real name, Austin St. John. Sounds much more bisexual—or at least, pornographic.

10. Atlanta Falcons (4-3)—Showed a lot in defeat at Philadelphia. Yes, it’s a statement game and yes, you’d prefer not to blow a lead on the road, but the fact that they were in the game right until the end and were arguably a horrible call away from winning makes me think they’ve got staying power. In fact, the way they hung in there and never gave up kind of reminds me of a rather famous robot—the Megazord! Except, you know, the Megazord eventually got swallowed up into the earth.

11. Arizona Cardinals (4-3)—How can you not be impressed by the Buzzsaw’s ability to hang around and be right in the thick of things? They should have beaten Carolina, and they might be starting, as ludicrous as this sounds, to hear footsteps from the Rams, but they keep scoring points, and might just waltz into the playoffs at 8-8. For their mediocrity and mysterious staying power, they are the second Black Ranger (trust me, that's him). You know, the vaguely Asian one who kind of sucked all around? The real Black Ranger was a badass AND was missing one of his middle fingers. Second Black Ranger? Fuck him.

12. Dallas Cowboys (5-3)—They’re not good, but the feeling is that they’ll somehow stagger into the playoffs as the sixth seed, whereupon everyone can proclaim them the most talented sixth seed ever, only to watch them get obliterated by the Bears in the first round when the team wilts in the cold of Chicago. The Cowboys don’t get a Power Ranger attached to them, because I don’t like them. Oh, and I hope T.O. gets hit by a bus.

13. New Orleans Saints (4-4)—Evened the record with a big win overseas, as they continued their trend of scoring slightly more points than they give up. I’d make a diuretic joke here, but really, I think we need to be more concerned with the health of these players. I wouldn’t want them to think that they need to be so thin that they start wasting away. In honor of their desire to shed water weight, they can be the Dragonzord, a machine that could hear an annoying sword-flute from 10,000 feet under water and then not be waterlogged when he came to battle some 200-foot tall platypus with a cannon shaped like a guitar.

14. New York Jets (4-3)—These guys are starting to get on my fucking nerves, and it has everything to do with one player. I am of course referring to Brett Favre. I am not a Brett Favre fan, nor have I ever been. I still fondly remember Greg Lloyd knocking him into the next county in his first NFL start. I hope Brett retires to take a job as the next Lions head coach. Because they’re such an annoying team, I’m going to bestow on them the title of Blue Ranger. Yes, as you’ve already seen, repeats are allowed. The Blue Ranger was so fucking infuriating because he had the fighting skills of an 11-year old girl with gout, yet he always somehow “got the job done.” Brett Favre looked like an 11-year old quarterback for most of the Chiefs game, but somehow “got the job done.” Argh.

15. Chicago Bears (4-3)—Somehow, their problem drinker of a quarterback has turned into the Purdue version of himself and is slinging brews all over the field. This begs the question, which one of the characters from MMPR would have made the most likely problem drinker. Truth be told, I have to go with Alpha 5, that little mechanical shit. Following the orders of a disembodied floating head should have been enough to tell viewers that this guy was at least shrooming, if not worse. He probably popped off to the preparation chamber, where he got freaky with some other robots and a little Absinthe.

16. Green Bay Packers (4-3)—If the Jets, and by extension Brett Favre are the Blue Ranger, an annoying twerp, then the Packers, and by extension Aaron Rodgers, are the original, badass, evil Green Ranger, coming to sling destruction and mow down everything in their path. Fuck yeah, Aaron Rodgers.

17. San Diego Chargers (3-5)—Remember when the Rangers would really be getting their asses handed to them, even with the Green Ranger around, so they would combine all their zords and make the Ultrazord? It was a guaranteed win at that point—no enemy ever withstood the Ultrazord’s power. Funny thing was, the Ultrazord just kinda shot a bunch of random fireworks in the direction of its enemy, looking very pretty, yes, but never really doing much in the way of damage. The Chargers are the Ultrazord—except they lose.

18. Denver Broncos (4-3)—Inexplicably haven’t gone down in flames yet. But hey, my little 8-8 prediction looks better and better every day now, doesn’t it? Really, they have to be Finster, the clay monster-making guy that would have been killed by any legitimate evil being for the repeated failures of his monsters. Instead, he just kind of hung around, didn’t do much, kept making shitty monsters. So goes life in the Power Rangers universe.

19. Indianapolis Colts (3-4)—They are the entire Power Rangers show, after you hit the age of 12 and realized how stupid it all was. After it faded into oblivion, or at least was passed down to a younger generation, you were quite happy to see it gone. That’s the Colts.

20. Minnesota Vikings (3-4)—I honestly sat and tried to think of a character to apply to this team, but they were so boring, I couldn’t really think of anyone to give them. I guess let’s just make them one of the almost non-existent parents on the show, people that made a random appearance so that they could get kidnapped and their dipshit kids could dress up in spandex and save them.

21. Baltimore Ravens (4-3)—DEFINITELY Goldar. Who else on the show was more talk and less action? “Ohhh your evilness, I’ll get those Rangers this time” or “Ohhh my Lord, I will serve you without fail” or “The Rangers will be crushed” blah blah blah. It’s like hearing Terrell Suggs blather on about a bounty, and just like you always knew Goldar would fail, you know Suggs is going to have his spleen in his throat after Hines Ward puts him to sleep when the teams meet again. I fucking hate the Ravens.

22. Miami Dolphins (3-4)—Joey Porter didn’t watch no fucking Power Rangers…shit was gay.

23. Cleveland Browns (3-4)—The as-yet-uncreated Brown Ranger, who could one week be as fertile offensively as dark, rich soil, and the next week just be a huge turd.

24. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-4)—Do not deserve a Power Ranger.

25. Houston Texans (3-4)—Got a quarterback on your roster named Sage? Then you, friends, are most certainly Zordon!

26. St. Louis Rams (2-5)—In spite of their loss to the Patriots, I think that the Rams are going to be the White Ranger, because they’re going to go through the magical juvenation machine in the second half of the season and win the NFC Worst. They have too much potential not to end up being decent. Kind of like Amy Jo Johnson, the original Pink Ranger, had too much potential (NSFW!) to just do kids shows. If you would have asked me my prediction for these guys after the first four games of the season, I’d have said the franchise was more likely to fold than have the scenario I just described play out.

27. Seattle Seahawks (2-5)—Do not deserve a Power Ranger.

28. Oakland Raiders (2-5)Silver Ranger, a little-known Ranger with a propensity for getting rid of all the other Rangers and then recruiting new ones at least three to four times every year.

29. San Francisco 49ers (2-6)Mike Singletary alone makes them a Megazord overall, and the Ultrazord in terms of unintentional comedy potential. In fact, stay tuned later tonight, as we’ll be debuting a new, KSK-esque recurring character to the blog.

30. Kansas City Chiefs (1-6)—The Chiefs look to be on life support at this point, or maybe just dead in the water. This makes them Thuy Trang, the Yellow Ranger. And yes, I’m well aware of how tasteless this one was.

31. Detroit Lions (0-7)Bulk.

32. Cincinnati Bengals (0-8)Skull.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

We Are Legend

Congratulations, Philadelphia.

What else can I say? The Phillies had a Rocktober of their own and went 24-6 when it counted most to claim their first title since 1980, and the city's first since 1983. I didn't know any people from Philadelphia before I went to Penn State, and now that I've met tons of them, I count a couple Philadelphians among my closest friends.

That's what this series was really about. Sure, a few players deleted the words "postseason shrinkage" from their resumes (Ryan Howard and Bradford C. Lidge, I'm talking to you). But it was more about the fans of Philadelphia. Yes, they swear like Ari Gold on tourette's. Yes, they guzzle beer like John Daly at happy hour. Yes, they booed Santa and threw batteries at the Cardinals. Take them away from sports, however, and they're as chill as the rest of us.

That made it even easier to congratulate them after beating the Rays in Game 5's dismembered limb. I normally pull for my friends' teams when mine are out, and offer congrats if one of them goes all the way. Heck, I even gave FLS hate-free props when the Steelers won the Super Bowl a couple years ago. In any case, Philadelphia fans have finally gotten that silverback ape off their back. Now they can excitedly recall the last time one of their teams won a championship. They can proudly say, along with everyone else, "Now I can die in peace."

And if they're dead, then I'm the last guy alive.


Sports fans could debate the guidelines for futility until they're blue in the face. My city has more teams! I like one of my teams more than the others! You just choke, we never make it! We've had it way worse than you!

Pushing aside all the arguments, here's one true, undeniable fact: Outside of Cleveland, I don't know a single person who's never seen one of their teams win a championship.

I have plenty of friends who pine for the Cubs, but they never forget about Michael Jordan's unparalleled time in Chicago. Same goes for my Dad's side of the family, who cheered on the Bills through four straight Super Bowl losses, but still watched them win AFL titles in 1964 and 1965.

It's different for me. I know the catalogue by heart.
Art Modell snatched the Browns and won a Super Bowl elsewhere four years later. Our last coach before the theft has won three Super Bowls since. The Cavs hit the Jordan wall five times from 1987-1994, and missed the 2005 playoffs despite having the conference's second-best record at the All-Star break. The Tribe was two outs away from winning the World Series, only to watch a fifth-year team rally to beat us. We were up 3-1 in the ALCS and had our ace going at home in Game 5, but it still wasn't cushion enough. That's just the stuff I've experienced personally.

Oh, and we couldn't win the 1995 World Series with one of the best offenses in baseball history, keyed by one of the guys who knocked us out of the 2007 postseason, and put together by the guy who just managed the Phils to a title. Charlie Manuel had a nice little message after the victory:

"Tell them in Cleveland...we just won a World Series!"


We saw, Chuck. Congratulations.

If that's not enough, there's always someone who tries to downplay our losing, tries to deny us the only "title" we can really claim. Philly native and ESPN writer Jayson Stark wrote a big piece about the relief this championship brings to the city, and one of his statistics is that Philadelphia's teams had gone a combined 9,029 games since their last title. Well, Cleveland's gone 1,854 games longer. Without a fourth team. And without the Cavs for five of those years.

But that's just sour grapes. Is all this really that important? I'd take the well-being of my family and friends a million times over before I'd take a Browns, Cavs or Indians championship. It's just that I spend so much time on these teams. They're one of my favorite leisure activities. Because I invest myself in them, it gets harder and harder to watch others celebrate, no matter how much I like them.

Maybe those celebrations keep me going. Or it could be the fact that there are millions who share my dream. I may be the last man on Earth, but I can't forget:

Monday, October 27, 2008

Eyes on the Rise

It wasn't that LeBron James was ashamed of how he played. He dropped 45 points, six assists and five rebounds, to go along with a 14-of-19 mark at the free throw line. The latter is an indication of how aggressive he was, using his unprecedented frame to blow past the NBA's best defensive ballclub and keep the Cavaliers afloat throughout the game.

But after the final whistle, LeBron used a different form of aggression to (tactfully) implore the Cavaliers to make upgrades to a roster that he could drag along behind him but not outright carry. He'd just played the best game he could at this point in his transcendent career, but something happened this time, something that, dating back to eighth-grade AAU ball, had never happened when he performed at his best:

He lost.

When Saint Vincent-Saint Mary lost the 2002 Ohio state championship game to St. Bernard Roger Bacon, LeBron's 32 points and six assists were almost enough to get it done, but everyone could tell that the self-proclaimed King of Akron was distracted. He turned the ball over seven sloppy times, perhaps the direct result of the game being played during an early peak of his prep popularity. That was the only year SVSM didn't win a state championship with LeBron on the team, and that wasn't his best.

When the Cavaliers got swept by San Antonio in the 2007 NBA Finals, LeBron had no answers for a team that could win in many different ways. The Cavs could only win two ways, and neither defense nor LeBron were enough to stop the Spurs. But even though the Cavs had waited 37 years to reach the NBA's championship round, the Finals berth still felt premature, a testament to what lay ahead of King James. What took place at the time, however, was an overmatch, and that wasn't his best, either.

LeBron doesn't look back with regret on those games. He's said so himself. But he did regret the Game 7 loss on the parquet floor in Boston, a missed opportunity only compounded when the Celtics won the NBA title by dispatching the Pistons and Lakers with much more ease than they had the Cavs.

So he took the podium, unashamed of how he played, and more ashamed of how he didn't have any help. He asked for it, and Cavaliers General Manager Danny Ferry delivered by acquiring an explosive point guard and re-signing key parts that also happen to be some of LeBron's favorite running mates.

The talent, finally, may be there. Let's see what his Heirness can do with it.


2008-09 Preview

The fellas

Basketball players are the most relatable athletes in sports. Not because we share the lifestyle, not because we share the athletic prowess. It's because they're front and center. It's because they're incredibly visible. A basketball player is more under the lights than any other athlete. There aren't any helmets or pads covering these guys up. You know what they look like, you're familiar with them, and there are only 15 of them, which makes you feel that much closer to them. You attach yourself to them over the course of an 82-game season.

I like hanging out with these Cavs.


The Franchise

LeBron James

The best player in the league. Physical freak. Wakes up and pisses triple-doubles. Could be the most ruthlessly talented basketball player ever to have lived. Bill Simmons recently said that if Bron ever grits down and develops a reliable turnaround jumper, the NBA would have to fold until he's too old to play. Simmons ain't kidding.


Robin

Mo Williams

With this deal, Ferry did as well as he could given the market this summer. Williams fills three huge needs (point guard, reliable No. 2 option and ability to create offensively), and he's only 25. His defense sucks, but the effort to improve was there during preseason, and he's got 82 games to figure it out.


The white wizard

Zydrunas Ilgauskas

Big Z is the best of an increasingly decrepit front line, and despite his mileage, he's been healthy the past few years. In return, we've gotten a solid scoring center with excellent range, free throw shooting and rebounding. We're gonna need more of that, along with some leadership.


The running mates

Delonte West and Daniel Gibson

Both signed new contracts in the offseason, both have athleticism to spare, and both can fill it up like Matt Leinart at a high school kegger. West appears to have won the starting two-guard job, which makes his size (6-3) an issue, but luckily there aren't any 6-8 megalomismatches like Tracy McGrady in the Eastern Conference. Gibson is our top guard off the bench, and he subjected himself to a rigorous offseason training regimen, which should help eliminate all the girly injuries he keeps suffering.

The past forwards

Ben Wallace and Lorenzen Wright

Big Ben was clearly rejuvenated by the big trade last February, but it remains to be seen how much is left in the ol' fro. Wright is just happy to be in the NBA, which is surprising, because he's a quality big at an affordable price. Both could see their minutes cut, however, if our up-tempo plans work well and LeBron spends a lot of time at the 4 like he does on Team USA.

The flash-forwards

Anderson Varejao and J.J. Hickson

Varejao once said he never wanted to play in Cleveland again. Tempers have cooled since his holdout last December, but he can opt out after this season, and if he has any interest in getting the kind of money we won't give him, he needs to prove himself on the court, which can only help us. Hickson's athleticism is ridiculously good, his post game is surprisingly developed and his defense is embarrassingly bad. His future is bright, but his chances of playing early this season aren't.

The albatross

Wally Szczerbiak

Unless he shoots 70 percent from beyond the arc and suddenly develops Rip Hamilton's on-ball defense, his $13 million expiring contract is a huge asset at the trade deadline. Since our roster is deep with guards, chances are better than Wally missing a clutch 3-pointer that we'll dump him for help in the frontcourt.

The enigma

Sasha Pavlovic

Will he stink and/or get hurt like he has for most of his pro career? Will he provide the big shots and man-up defense like he did during our Finals run? Will we shop his contract at the trade deadline, even if he's playing well? Will Mike Brown inexplicably bury him on the bench a la Devin Brown? Will he ever crack a smile?

The coach-in-waiting

Eric Snow

Normally, I'd be upset about paying $7.3 million to a guy who won't play 7.3 minutes this season. But Snow is one of the hottest coaching commodities in the league, and he's expressed interest in joining us after his contract ends next summer. Book it.

The Riddler

Tarence Kinsey

The coaches must have seen something they liked in this former Turkish League, uh, "standout." He's a decent mid-range shooter and a wretched 3-point shooter, but he's built like an Angelina Jolie adoptee. Scrawny folks are fewer and far between in the NBA these days. Hopefully this head-scratcher can contribute.

The feel-good stories

Darnell Jackson and Jawad Williams

Jackson was born in the ghetto, got in trouble at school for accepting booster money and lost his grandmother to a drunk-driving accident. His game is suitably hardened, though he's out a few weeks with a fractured wrist. Williams is a Lakewood native who wasn't expected to make the roster, but did anyway. He won a state championship at St. Edward's and an NCAA championship at North Carolina. One level left.

The issues

If things work out perfectly, we'll use our guards and athleticism to play more up-tempo, acquire a talented big man in exchange for Szczerbiak at the trade deadline, get another monster year from LeBron, continue to play excellent defense and coronate with an NBA title next June.

What a nice little scenario. If only we could live in a world like that. If only we could live in a world where people don't dump fashion models for Fergie.

Bottom line, something's gonna go wrong at some point in time. Here are the things that'll hurt the most.

1. LeBron tears or breaks something other than the competition

2008-09 season, exit stage left.

2. The Cavs start sluggishly (again)

We're built for the postseason. We have a superstar, an excellent second option, a deep bench and great defense. The early games are just as important as the late ones, however, and a repeat of last year's 9-13 start means we'll likely be on the road for any significant showdowns in the playoffs.

3. Roleplayers don't produce

These guys were brought in so LeBron wouldn't have to play more than 40 minutes a night. Coming off an Olympic summer, they must be able to spell him. And when the going gets tough, they must earn their cash. If they don't, well, we managed to make it through Larry Hughes alright.

4. Mo Williams doesn't know his role

Pushing the tempo, even off made baskets, is only half the deal. He must be solid in the halfcourt game, and prevent LeBron from gobbling the ball at the top of the key for 5/6 of the shot clock. Better improve on defense, too.

5. We don't do anything with Szczerbiak's deal

This is seriously like the golden bullet, and almost anything we'll get in return will be a big improvement, especially if guys like Marcus Camby or Udonis Haslem are available. Plus, landing Camby would mean a revisitation of this 2001 incident, which will no doubt be fun for everyone except Danny Ferry and Marcus Camby. Make it so!

Fellow forecasts

Since I always like hearing what others have to say about my teams, here's a sample of the love or lack thereof the Cavs are getting from several major media outlets.

ESPN The Magazine: Projecing us third in the conference behind Boston and Detroit, while Chris Broussard, Jalen Rose and Marc Stein pick LeBron James as their MVP. Ric Bucher is the lone dissenter. Broussard is also the only guy who says the Cavs (not the Celtics) will represent the East in the Finals. I'll give you two guesses which one of them used to write for the Plain Dealer.

Sports Illustrated: Projecting us second in the conference behind Boston. All six staff writers say we'll face the Celtics in the East Finals, and two of them, Steve Aschburner and Paul Forrester, say we'll upend Beantown. All except Ian Thomsen tag LeBron for MVP. I love Sports Illustrated.

CBS Sportsline: In typically sissy CBS fashion, they're only picking the division winners, but that's okay, cuz they picked us. Good show, fogies.

Yahoo! Sports: They leave it up to computers, and the so-called "accuscore" says we're gonna win 55 games along with the Central Division and Eastern Conference and lose to the Hornets in the Finals. I can live with that.

The Sporting News: I shit you not, this is their Cavs outlook, verbatim: "Wallace will be benched, and he will not be happy about it. There will be pouting, there will be sulking, and there will be a major problem. As the Bulls learned, an unhappy Wallace can do some serious damage to chemistry." Yeeeeah. I'm just gonna ignore your magazine for the rest of my life.

Power Rankings aggregate: Incorporating the power rankings of ESPN.com, Sports Illustrated and NBA.com, the Cavs average fifth among the 30 NBA teams. That might be too high, given the depth out West. We'll see.

Cavalier predictions

Cavalier (kav-uh-leer), adj. 1. Showing arrogant or offhand disregard. 2. Carefree and nonchalant.

Shall we?

DESHAWN STEVENSON WILL SHOW UP TO A GAME IN A DRESS

Wait, that won't surprise anyone.

THE CAVS WILL WIN A PLAYOFF GAME IN THE BLUE UNIFORMS

Ever since LeBron's 48-point detonation in the Palace two years ago, we've been getting raped in those things. That'll change this postseason.

LEBRON WILL OUTSCORE THE KNICKS BY HIMSELF IN TWO OF OUR FOUR MEETINGS

That's right. Two. Place your bets.


DANIEL GIBSON WILL PUT UP 50 POINTS IN A GAME

He's due to burst into flames and stay that way for 48 minutes.

J.J. HICKSON WILL PLAY MORE TOTAL MINUTES THAN BEN WALLACE

I'll smoke the hype. I'll drink the Kool-Aid. Hopefully I don't get pulled over.

MO WILLIAMS WILL BE AN ALL-STAR

That may not seem like a stretch, but the East has a lot of guards vying for a few spots on the team.

A ROTATION FORWARD OR CENTER WILL GET HURT AND IT WON'T MATTER

I think we're deeper up front than everyone else does. Besides, it's not a crucial phase of our game, anyway.

THE CAVS WILL LOSE ONLY TWO GAMES IN THE CENTRAL DIVISION

We match up really well with our four fellow denizens. You watch.

I WILL MAKE IT TO ONE OF THE TWO GAMES THE CAVS PLAY IN LOS ANGELES

I'm sure you laugh, but you haven't seen the bills I've gotta pay. Penn State going to the BCS will likely cripple my checkbook as well.

The final send-off

Sports fans have a natural tendency to pay more attention to the sports in which their teams are thriving. That's been the case with me and the NBA the last few years. The NFL is probably my favorite league (although I have my fair share of beefs with it), but since the Cavs have outperformed the Browns and Indians recently, I've just eaten up the NBA as long as it's in season. It's a league that doesn't buy the disgusting hegemony of 21st-century pro sports. It embraces the fact that it's not driven by the game's fundamentals, and that its players aren't saints. It fully acknowledges that it's far from perfect, and the NFL and MLB could stand the humility.

It's all for show -- which is what pro sports are about these days, anyway -- and the Cavs put on a better show than most teams in the league. We're relevant, we're winning, we're getting big games and winning even bigger ones. I've got my eyes planted on the Browns and the Tribe's offseason, but nobody's brought me more fulfillment than the Cavs over the past few years.

Tuesday night, we tip off where we left off: on the parquet floor in Boston, just in time to watch those green bastards raise their 17th NBA banner.

That's what we want. That's what we'll take. Starting Tuesday night.

LET'S GO CAVS

Sunday, October 26, 2008

The ABCs: Week 8

I can't even begin to explain the Browns anymore. So here's Eminem, spitting part of his verse from D12's "Blow My Buzz" to try to explain them for me. Take it away, Slim.


SCHI-ZO-PHRENIA! How many of ya got it
How many motherfuckers can say they psy-chotic
How many motherfuckers can say
Their brains dry-rotted from pot
You got it like I got it or not

Thanks, Slim. I'll take it from here.

All things considered, this was a great win. Coupled with Penn State's victory last night and the Steelers' loss, this is the best football weekend I've had since....two weeks ago, when Penn State whomped Wisconsin and the Browns whomped the Giants.

Better see more first halves like that down the stretch. Derek Anderson was on target, the playbook was opened up, and Jacksonville didn't know how to react. $25 says we don't see it again next weekend.

"Can You Stand the Rain" by New Edition has been in my head all weekend. I chopped and screwed the words into an Ohio State diss Saturday night, and I'm applying the song's message of getting through rough times to rooting for the Browns. I know, I'm a wuss.

Defense clutched up again. Shaun Rogers had nine solo tackles, one blocked field goal, one sack and two acts of cannibalism. Bet those Jags linemen could've used more A1.

Every time I look at our box scores, I never see Jamal Lewis over 100 yards rushing, which is surprising. He averaged four yards a carry today, and he's an absolute workhorse who was critical in grinding out this win.

Fourth-quarter fumble recoveries don't hurt, either, and Josh Cribbs' play proved he's the best special teams player in the NFL.

He's coming to town with a few days to kill

Gotta give it up to the special teams as a whole. Other than the blocked field goal and fumble recovery, Phil Dawson nailed all three of his field goals, Dave Zastudil averaged 41.4 yards per punt and Cribbs averaged 26 yards per kick return. That'll win you a lot of games.

Half-assed "scoring" drives won't, however. We couldn't punch it in from the Jacksonville 2 in the fourth quarter, and we ended up kicking a field goal on the next drive, too, when we couldn't do more with the fumble recovery. If I want three points, I'll wait for Boobie and the Cavs this Tuesday, thank you very much.

I promise an ultra-huge Cavs preview tomorrow. RISE UP.

Just like last week, Anderson did just enough without throwing a pick to keep his job. As long as we're hanging around in the playoff chase, it's going to become more and more inappropriate to bench Anderson. Even I admit that.

Kellen Winslow missed his second game of the season today, and we improved to 2-0 without him. If you read anything into that, you're dumber than dirt.

Laughable job by the secondary in covering Matt Jones. Great job otherwise, but Jones must have partied with them Saturday night or something.

Is this snortable?

Man it felt good to watch Dennis Northcutt drop passes for someone else.

Not sure how I missed this, but despite having a receiver on our roster named Syndric Steptoe, it was Subprime Mortgage who hurt Braylon Edwards by stepping on his foot during preseason. That's ironic. Steptoe caught a 53-yard pass that set up one of our scores today. That's iconic.

Oh good, big plays have returned to the Browns' offense. I'll eat this up for the five minutes it lasts.

Penalties were non-existent for my football teams this weekend. The Browns committed one this afternoon, and Penn State didn't commit any last night. Kick ass.

Quiet. You might be able to hear a Brit who actually gave a shit about the Chargers-Saints game.

Running the football is a big part of Jacksonville's gameplan, and David Gerrard led the team with 59 yards on the ground, while Maurice Jones-Drew only had 29. Penn State's rush defense was staunch, too. Me likey.

So I guess we were 3-of-12 on third down, which is atrocious. Jacksonville was 11-of-20, which is solid, but you know what's even better? NOT HAVING TO FACE 20 THIRD DOWNS. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Pwned!

The movie is horrible otherwise, but if you ever feel compelled to watch Homer & Eddie, Jim Belushi will absolutely break your heart as a mentally retarded adult who travels across the country to reunite with his parents, who disowned him many years earlier. I can't believe he didn't receive an Oscar nomination that year.

Until Nick Sorensen heroically batted that hail mary out of Jones' hands at the end of the game, I went as insane as Whoopi Goldberg in Homer & Eddie.

Versatility has always been an important part of our offense, and eight different Browns caught passes today. Gotta give Anderson credit for that.

We finished with 63 tackles on defense, and 61 of them were solo. Is that encouraging or terrifying?

Xavier McDaniel's 1991 Sonics Fleer is the first sports card I ever owned.

WHADDUP WICHITAAAAAA

You're right if you think I'm in a good mood after this win. You're also right if you think I won't be happy until we string together two of these games in a row.

Ze objekt uv next veek's game eez to taik revenge on zose douchebags frum Baltimore.


LET'S RAVAGE SOME RATBIRDS!!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Mighty Morphin Power Rankings, Week 8


Let’s delve right in, shall we? And no, I’m not going to put the Patriots at number 1, even though their big win obviously proves that no coach in the league is as fackin’ great as Belichek. You also might wonder why we skipped from Week 6 to Week 8…let’s just go with “your author is an idiot” and leave it at that.

1. Tennessee Titans (6-0)—No truth to the rumor that Chiefs defenders were slipping on the grease that comes from LenDale White’s pores as they were trying to catch him while he lumbered 80 yards for a touchdown. Plenty of truth to the rumor, however, that Jeff Fisher is probably at the head of the line for coach of the year. (Last week, 1)

2. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-1)—Not exactly a scintillating performance in Cincinnati, regardless of what the final score might have been. Mewelde Moore has been a beast filling in for Willie Parker, and he’ll need to continue to be one as the Steelers are now entering the Varsity portion of their schedule. (Last week, 2)

3. New York Giants (5-1)—They managed to get Mike Nolan fired, but they didn’t look particularly terrific against a very bad 49ers team. They’ll need to bring it a hell of a lot harder than that this week against the Steelers, or else they’ll be looking at 5-2. (Last week, 4)

4. Buffalo Bills (5-1)—I’ve been sold on these guys from the outset, and they got a bigtime home win over the Chargers, in spite of a power outage. Lee Evans’ catch in the corner of the end zone should only be described as “silly”. (Last week, 5)

5. Washington Redskins (5-2)—If the Giants were unimpressive, the Redskins were as convincing in victory as Clay Aiken was in heterosexuality. Hence, they drop 2 spots, for a 3 point win over the Browns is like a loss to most other teams. (Last week, 3)

6. Arizona Cardinals (4-2)—Let me state for the record that this is not the sixth-best team in the league. However, if they continue to not lose, I have no choice but to continue to put them this high. I will say, though, that no team in the top 10 has as much potential to get blown out by 30 on any given week as the Cards do. (Last week, 7)

7. Tampa Bay Bucs (5-2)—Another team that, though solid, I just can’t get too excited about. This refrain will be playing all year, even though they’re like the Bills of the NFC, and I’ve already stated my fondness for the Bills. Maybe it’s Jon Gruden. Scratch that, it’s definitely Jon Gruden. (Last week, 8)

8. Carolina Panthers (5-2)—Pounding the Saints the way they did should probably count for more than a whopping 1 spot jump in the rankings, but it’s more the teams behind them in last week’s rankings that warranted an ass-kicking, not the ones in front. Keep winning, fair Panthers, and you’ll get your due. (Last week, 9)

9. Green Bay Packers (4-3)—These guys got a statement win by smoking a Colts team that I could have told you wasn’t quite itself. They look like the class of the NFC North, even if Brett Favre is trying to give away all their dirty secrets like a jilted member of the cheerleading squad. Statement wins are big with me, so the Pack gets a huge jump. (Last week, 19)

10. Atlanta Falcons (4-2)—Time to maybe start giving them their due, methinks, even though they didn’t play last week. Matt Ryan certainly looks like the real deal, and if they can keep winning, a rather improbable wild-card birth could be in the offing. Now all they have to do is get anyone in Atlanta to care. (Last week, 16)

11. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-3)—At this point it becomes a question of who the hell to put here, as most of the middle of the rankings laid a huge egg, and biases aside, I’m absolutely not sold at all on the Patriots. I guess the Jaguars draw the longest straw and take the number 11 spot. Speaking of straws, Matt Jones was suspended for three games today. Can you look at the pun in the last sentence and figure out why? (Last week, 17)

12. Chicago Bears (4-3)—Maybe the biggest surprise of this season so far is that Kyle Orton is keeping the Bears afloat in spite of their defense, and not the other way around. Given Orton’s less than stellar career to this point, and propensity to drink massive quantities of booze, is it fair to call him a “recovering starting quarterback” at this point? I think so. Also, giving up 41 points to the Vikings is like giving up 100 to anyone else. Shame on you, Bears. (Last week, 20)

13. New England Patriots (4-2)—I’m sorry, but I do not see how anyone can get particularly excited about them scoring 41 points on a team with no defense, and managing to shut down an offense that hasn’t really played well since the first few games of the season. I will say, though, that Rodney Harrison’s season and possibly career-ending injury is something that makes me very, very happy. And no, I’m not ashamed to say that. If Mr. Cheap Shot makes it to the Hall of Fame, I’m going to chew shot glasses for breakfast for a week. (Last week, 14)

14. Philadelphia Eagles (3-3)—Got healthy during the bye week, and watched the sinking ship that is the Cowboys lose another game. Things are going pretty well for the Eagles, I’d say. 11-5, which isn’t unfathomable, probably gets them a playoff spot at this rate. However, if they can’t stay healthy, all bets are off, and more than likely placed on other, more stable teams. (Last week, 18)

15. San Diego Chargers (3-4)—They lost to a good team on the road, and it wasn’t necessarily a ridiculous blowout. I’m willing to go on the record as saying that 9-7 will win the AFC West, and that the Chargers will probably be the team posting that record. They need to saddle up and beat on the Saints this week, or I might have to rethink that. (Last week, 12)

16. Indianapolis Colts (3-3)—Atrocious performance in Green Bay. I wish I could put them lower, but we still have to consider the…(Last week, 10)

17. Denver Broncos (4-3)—Even more atrocious than the Colts, and by far the worst team in the league with a winning record. Really quite awful, but not as bad as the…(Last week, 11)

18. New York Jets (3-3)—A team that loses to the Raiders deserves to be down this far, but they don’t deserve to be down as far as a team that loses to the Rams like the…(Last week, 13)

19. Dallas Cowboys (4-3)—Remember what I just said about the Denver Broncos being the worst team with a winning record? Dallas won’t have a winning record much longer. What a fucking trainwreck. Couldn’t happen to, for the most part, a bigger bunch of jackasses. T.O. is proving to be, as usual, their undoing. (Last week, 6)

20. New Orleans Saints (3-4)—Monster underachievers, and I don’t see them getting a win in London either. Reggie Bush being banged up is just another thing to add to the list of woe in N.O. (Last week, 15)

21. Minnesota Vikings (3-4)—Remember when they were a trendy Super Bowl pick? Me neither. This should be a cautionary tale, kids—never trust your team’s future to an unproven quarterback who doesn’t seem to possess the ability to hit the broad side of a barn with any of his passes. (Last week, 21)

22. Baltimore Ravens (3-3)—Stuffed the Wildcat offense in Miami, still aren’t anything better than a middle of the road team. They do have some intrigue about them, though, as it seems like Joe Flacco has the tools to be a legitimate quarterback in this league. (Last week, 24)

23. St. Louis Rams (2-4)—Don’t call me crazy for saying this, but if someone gave me 10-1 odds on them winning the division today, I’d take them. Why not? Playing like a team with a new lease on their football lives right now, which might force me to put a moratorium on my Jim Haslett bashing. (Last week, 30)

24. Houston Texans (2-4)—With the Colts playing the Titans and the Texans getting the Bengals this week, it’s conceivable that the Texans could be one fourth-quarter collapse away from second place in the division all by themselves. (Last week, 25)

25. Cleveland Browns (2-4)—Paging Dr. Quinn, Medicine woman! (Last week, 22)

26. Miami Dolphins (2-4)—I still can’t help but think that this team is one year away from making some pretty serious noise in at least their division. Don’t ask me why, though, because I couldn’t give an answer that had any semblance of rational thought involved. (Last week, 23)

27-28. San Francisco 49ers/Seattle Seahawks (2-5, 1-5)—Playing each other this week, and you know what that means…PILLOW FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!! (This is funnier if you imagine a 13-year old girl with Jonas Brothers posters all over her walls saying it to her friends while they gossip viciously about those that aren’t present.) (Last week, 26, 27)

29. Oakland Raiders (2-4)—I know, I know, they won, they should be higher on this list, they shouldn’t have dropped a spot, whatever. Consider this another portion of my protest against Al Davis. (Last week, 28)

30. Kansas City Chiefs (1-5)—Quite possibly a worse team than either one that will follow it in these rankings—still, they’ve got a win. Larry Johnson, by the way, is a sack of shit and no one should root for him. If he and Rodney Harrison collided on a football field and were motionless, I’d root for heavy traffic for the ambulance to navigate. (Last week, 29)

31. Detroit Lions (0-6)—I don’t know, they’re at least sort of entertaining to watch in defeat. Not very, but sort of. (Last week, 32)

32. Cincinnati Bengals (0-7)—Played the Steelers tough for three quarters. Forgot that football games last 4. (Last week, 31)

Monday, October 20, 2008

Time To Get Out the Soapbox

Preaching is not really my style. High-class sermons on the state of professional sports are something I avoid like flossing. However, I’m going to climb up to the pulpit and attempt to eloquently discuss something, rather than make 18 stupid jokes that only 3 people understand? I recognize that such a shock to the system is not necessarily something that our reader will be happy about, but I beg of him/her, please don’t quit us after you read this, you’re all we’ve got.

What the Tampa Bay Rays did last night was great for baseball and great for professional sports. This might seem like an awfully obvious thesis statement, akin to “Douglas over Tyson was a big upset”, but let me explain why I felt the need to make the obvious point. There have been rumblings ever since David Price got Jed Lowrie to ground out that a Rays/Phils World Series was bad for everyone but the people living in those two cities. Bad for TV, bad for advertisers, bad for the precious fans in Boston, New York, LA, Chicago, etc. This is simply not the case. In a sport where virtually every team, from the crappy ones to the great ones, makes a nice profit, TV ratings are not the most important thing. And yes, I’m sure FOX wanted a sexier, bigger market matchup, and I’m sure Joe Buck is not thrilled that he’ll be broadcasting from a dome with all the charm of a washed-up porn star, and a bandbox with a bunch of angry, bile spewing ex-convicts, but this World Series is going to have some major juice where it counts—on the field.

The popular argument against the Rays making it to the Series is that, well, they have bad fans. And this isn’t even a statement I’m going to try and refute, because when a team is in the playoff chase in late September and can’t draw even 15,000 people for a big game, there’s a problem. Part of the mentality of some of these fans, though, is understandable. The Rays have been beyond laughable for their entire existence up until this year, so there were no die-hards that populate so many other stadiums game-in and game-out, confident that their patience will be rewarded by a winning team, just people that didn’t have anything better to do on a given night. Success changes all of that. New fans are right now being cultivated in Tampa/St. Pete, and they’re young, impressionable, and know only that a group of young, enthusiastic players are playing their guts out for a little glory. The added bonus is that very few, if any of these guys are making big money. It’s easier to root for players that, though they may be rich by every other standard, are paupers in the baseball salary game.

The other big argument against this World Series, and it’s really the bigger of the two, is the point of view that assumes that, since a major media market isn’t involved (and since when is Philly not a major media market—you’d think it was a town of 300,000, not a city of 2 million) this series has no real tie to the common, neutral fan. This statement or thought process is so backwards it makes me think of Kris Kross. For every displaced Yankee, Red Sox, Cubs, White Sox, Dodgers or Angels fan in the country, there are at least 6 or 7 fans that love an underdog story more than anything. There are long suffering fans in other cities, that, while they might not like the Phillies, can at least relate to Phildadelphia’s 28 year championship drought. (Hello Cleveland!) This elitist idea that sports don’t matter if they aren’t played in Boston, New York, Chicago, LA or Houston/Dallas/Miami, et al is ludicrous. If this really is the case in the minds of anyone but TV executives, why bother having teams in other cities. Let’s cut this down to the top 6 to 10 media markets in the country for each sport, and then have them battle it out. For sure, the talent level on teams and the quality of play would go up, but just try and legitimately visualize that scenario. It sucks. It alienates the majority of the country. It is, in the long run, not so good for sports. But some would have you believe that it is.

One thing I’ve always hated about the Chicago Cubs and the Boston Red Sox is the romanticized view the media gives to their fanbase, as if they’re the only ones that have ever suffered through a long losing drought. Granted, what the Cubs have done over the last 100 years is pretty staggering to think about, but to make it as though their fans somehow “deserve” a championship is silly. I’m a loyal Pirates fan, and I can say with 100% honesty that I don’t feel they’ll ever win a championship while I’m alive. Does that make me as a fan pitiable? I hope not. Sticking with your team through thick and thin, good and bad, nauseating and exhilarating is the essence of being a fan. And really, this “pat ‘em on the back, don’t worry guys next year is your year” crap that the media gives to Cubs fans is mostly due to their status as a big-market team. When do you hear about the Cleveland sports title drought? Not too often. Put 3 million people in Cleveland and you’ll start to hear about it a lot more, whether it’s justified or not.

But let’s get back to the field, for a minute. This series sets up as possibly the most intriguing matchup of any we could have had from the 8 teams that started the playoffs. Yes, Cubs/Red Sox would have been interesting on the field because it matched two exceptionally strong offensive clubs that also had dominant pitching staffs, at least during the regular season, but what we’re about to be treated to is a contrast in styles that almost guarantees exciting, compelling baseball. Are you a baseball purist, that believes in pitching, defense, productive outs and timely hitting? Please step into the Tampa corner (though they did mash it all over the yard against the Red Sox). Are you new-school, a steroids-era fan that loves the long ball? The Phillies hit a ton of them. Do you like dominant closers with just a little hint of past failure, guys that you feel bad not rooting for, despite not having a reason to? Meet Brad Lidge. Do you like a young gun in your closer role, a guy who was just thrust into the spotlight last night and exceeded expectations completely? I have David Price on line 1. Do you like scrappy role players who step up at big times? Shane Victorino and the entire Tampa Bay team outside of Crawford, Longoria, Upton and Kazmir would like a word or two with you.

Point is, there’s plenty of compelling to go around during this series. There’s going to be a story that plays out one way or another that will appeal to virtually everyone; either a city will see its championship drought end, or an unfathomable Cinderella story will write an utterly improbable final chapter. Whatever the outcome is, don’t let anyone tell you that it isn’t important because it isn’t in New York or Chicago or Boston or LA. It’s damn important for that very reason.

Enjoy the games everyone, Rays in 6.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

The ABCs: Week 7

When Penn State got off to a bad start against Michigan yesterday, I texted this message to a bunch of friends at halftime:

"Hey man, it's been awesome being your friend all these years, but if Penn State loses, I just wanted you to know I'm gonna kill myself tonight, so have a nice life."

Obviously I was joking, and we outscored Meatchicken 32-0 in the second half to earn a 29-point victory and keep our perfect record intact.

Now, 24 hours later, I probably will kill myself thanks to a "quarterback" and "head coach" who are currently sodomizing my pro football team.

Let me spell it out for you.

All the terrible things that are about to be said are directed toward the offense and Romeo Crennel. The defense was on the field a ton, and it clearly wore down, but it still held Washington to just 14 points and even forced a late turnover to give us new life. After opening the season with a bad performance against Dallas, you guys have given up a grand total of 71 points, and 21 of those were on extremely short fields thanks to Derek Anderson's utter incompetency against Baltimore. Drinks are on me, fellas, you more than deserve it.


Boy, it sure would be swell if Anderson could hit the fucking ocean from the fucking beach, or if Romeo Crennel could look like he knows what in God's name he's doing every now and then.

Crennel is clearly going to live or die (probably die) with Anderson, because through the game's first 50 minutes, Anderson was 5-of-21 for 40 yards. 5-of-21 for 40 yards. 5-of-21 for 40 yards.

Derek Anderson could probably go 0-for-100, throw five picks and knife Romeo in the gut next week and still not get pulled.

Everyone's entitled to an awful game every now and then. Nobody's entitled to five out of six.




For the umpteenth time this year, Kellen Winslow was healthy enough to be effective and totally ignored. What a big fucking surprise. It was nice having your around, K2, and I don't blame you for demanding that trade you're about to demand.

God almighty, we botched seven straight goal-to-go plays in the fourth quarter before Anderson accidentally hit an open Josh Cribbs for our only touchdown. Pathetic.

Heap a lot of this on coaching, too, cuz Romeo clearly isn't watching the same games as the rest of us. Who knows, maybe Anderson buys him three tons of twinkies every week.

Is Rob Chudzinski the NFL's most predictable playcaller? Pass on first down, run on second, pass on third, punt on fourth. Hey Chud, if I know what's coming from my living room, THERE'S A GREAT FUCKING CHANCE THE REDSKINS KNOW WHAT'S COMING TOO!

Just forget about Anderson's performance on Monday Night Football. Seven of the last eight games tell us that was grandstand bullshit.

Klumps. Hmm. Maybe Romeo's from that family. He's fat, stupid, and unfunny. Makes sense to me.


Let's not totally excuse Braylon Edwards, either, because he's dropping more balls than male puberty.

Man, Ryan Tucker must mean a lot to our offensive line, because we struggled up front again. When he played last Monday, the Giants couldn't touch us. When he missed Sunday's game, our running game couldn't touch little boys if we were card-carrying NAMBLA pervs.

Never in my life have I seen someone overshoot so many wide open receivers. If Anderson was even 40 percent accurate, it would have been 14-0 good guys at halftime.

Outstanding work by the special-teamers today. Dawson may have missed the game-tying field goal, but he made one earlier, and we forced a missed field goal by the 'Skins right before halftime. Also, Cribbs had 94 return yards, Dave Zastudil had eight punts for an average of 44 yards, and Gerald Lawson had a clutch return of 43 yards late in the game. Lawson got that chance because Cribbs was hung out to dry by a skyscraping throw from Anderson. Go figure.

Pieces are a funny thing for sports teams. The Cavaliers have the leadership to win a championship, but we've only recently gathered the pieces. The Browns have the pieces to win a championship, but we don't have the leadership. Maybe LeBron plays quarterback?

Quite the celebration Santana Moss put on after scoring the game-winning touchdown. He mocked Bray's rock-and-roll celebration from the Bengals game, pissing off a lot of Browns fans in the process. Was it classless? Hell no. If you succeed, you have the right to do whatever the fuck you want. Deal with it.

Probably a Blur fan, though

Really encouraging moment early in the fourth quarter when Anderson started jawing with Lawrence Vickers. On the field. Before a critical third-and-long. Inside our own 10-yard line. I mean, indocile anger works out great in the NFL. Look at Ryan Leaf.

Stop with the Punk'd-style hidden camera commercials already. Carl's Jr. and Pizza Hut, I'm talking to you.

Throwing interceptions was the only thing Anderson didn't do wrong. So the crappy quarterback keeps his job because somehow he didn't throw a pick against one of the league's top secondaries. Only the Browns. Nay, only Cleveland.

Unfortunately, Anderson only found Donte Stallworth twice today. Let's do some math. Even if Stallworth collects the $10 million minimum of his contract, he's currently costing us $500,000 for every four receptions, a figure on par with the current economic climate. Therefore, Stallworth's new nickname is "Subprime Mortgage."

Very smart decision to go for the two-point conversion after our touchdown, because it brought us within a field goal. Crennel was still coaching the team at that point, right?

Washington was really hung over from the Rams game. You could tell with the lackadaisical play. It was really surprising, and thus, really frustrating when we couldn't make them pay.

Xanadu did Kubla Kahn/And Browns fans wanted DA gone. Take that, Samuel Taylor Coleridge.

You know what? That's the best job I've done with 'X' this year. BOO-YAH!

Zealot. That's what I am for the Browns. If I wasn't, I couldn't put up with this shit.


We're coming for you. You bastards. Or something.

Friday, October 17, 2008

How to Blow a Lead, by The Ray

First up, down seven he needs a walk
He walks you say no sweat it's just a walk
He trots right down the first base line
You want the heater, get the sign
And it gets cracked deep into right
As you look up the ball takes flight
Between the lines of first and third
Your team it begins to lay a turd

Where did I go wrong, we lost again
It was because of a shoddy bullpen
And I would've had Kazmir pitch through the night
And we'd be, laughing on the flight

Let him know he needs some rest
Even though you know he is your best
Try to catch a ball, defense
And offense, how bout insurance?
Lay down a perfect sac bunt now
Even though things are getting loud
And pray to God you hang on
And pray to God you hang on

Where did I go wrong, we lost again
It was because of a shoddy bullpen
And I would've had Kazmir pitch through the night
And we'd be, laughing on the flight

The fans begin to raise their voice
You lower yours and say, "I've got no choice."
Put in Wheeler with a full base load
And pray that hits don't follow
He will do one of two things
He will give hits that tie the game
Or punch them out and gain some fame
And you'll think holy shit, we'll win this game

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, we lost again
It was because of a shoddy bullpen
And I would've had Kazmir pitch through the night
And we'd be, laughing on the flight


Fuck.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Creative Differences Tells You How the World Series Will Go

Congratulations to the Philadelphia Phillies of New Jersey. You're now the National League Champions after beating Manny Ramirez and the Chula Vista Little League All-Stars in five games. The Fall Classic is upon you. I know some Phillie fans are dying to know how the series will turn out, and so I decided to go ahead and predict each game before the ALCS is over, because we know that the opponent isn't important, it's all Phils.

Live from Tampa Bay or Boston, here's Joe Buck and Tim McCarver with the call:

Buck: Welcome to Game 1 of the 2008 World Series between the Tampa Bay Rays/Boston Red Sox and the Philadelphia Phillies. You know Tim, the Phillies really looked impressive in defeating the Long Beach Pony League team to get here, and they've got to be feeling pretty good about themselves going into this series, even though they won't have home field advantage, they look to be very competitive here.

McCarver: You're right Joe, these guys will look to be very competitive and compete at the sport of baseball. Baseball is the sport we're playing here, and as long as that dirty no-good Dominican Manny Ramirez isn't involved, I'm happy.

Buck: I think we can all agree on that one, Tim.

(McCarver's throat is suddenly slashed by Deion Sanders, and his corpse is then defecated on by Ramirez and several other players he has chastised needlessly. McCarver is summarily replaced by Gus Johnson, playing out of position on color commentary.)

Johnson: The Phillies, The Rays/Red Sox--THIS IS BASEBALL!

Buck: So here we are, Phillies about to bat, and boy you can almost, wait, yes, you can in fact hear the goons from South Philly screaming and yelling obscenities from here. How nice of them. I'm told that Philadelphia made today an official Phillies holiday, and gave everyone in the city the day off from work. Since this only affected about 500 people, it was like any other day.

(Fast forward to the ninth inning)

Johnson: I DON'T KNOW JOE, I'M REALLY SURPRISED THAT THE PHILLIES HAVE DOMINATED COMPLETELY! THIS IS INCREDIBLE, HEART-RENDING STUFF. THE PHILLIES 13, THE RAYS/RED SOX 2! WHAT DRAMA, WHAT ACTION! CBS!!

Buck: We're on Fox, Gus.

Johnson: CBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Buck: So that ends game 1, and the Phillies have to be happy to have jumped all over the Rays/Red Sox, winning 13 to 2. We'll be back here tomorrow night, as the Phillies send Brett "Domestic Violence" Myers to the mound. I will conveniently neglect to mention that factoid about him tomorrow, because he is white and only a mediocre pitcher.

Meanwhile, in Philadelphia, three stores were looted and burned, and four people were beaten to death on a street corner. Questioned by police as to why they would act in such a way after a win in the first game, the men said, "What game?" I'm Joe Buck, see you tomorrow.

--------
Next Day
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Buck: Well, I'm not quite sure I believe what we're seeing here, but the Phillies have once again jumped all over the Rays/Red Sox and are taking a 16 to 1 lead into the bottom of the ninth.

Johnson: THIS IS INCREDIBLE! THE TENSION IN THIS BUILDING IS PALPABLE RIGHT NOW! CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW THESE PLAYERS MUST BE FEELING?!?! OH MY!

Buck: And that's the third out, Phillies take game 2 by a score of 16 to 1, and the series will shift back to Philadelphia for Friday. I think I speak for everyone that will be in Philly as a visitor when I say that I have in fact updated my will, thanks for asking.

--------
Friday
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Buck: Here we are in Philadelphia, for game 3, as the Phillies send Jamie Moyer to the hill to try and take a commanding 3-0 lead over the Rays/Red Sox. I would like everyone to know that people have been so kind to us since we arrived here, probably because we're actually staying in Pittsburgh for the games. Also, I killed three hookers in a ritual sacrifice on our way in, and some fans saw it and were quite pleased.

Also fans, tonight is Sulfuric Acid and Meat Hooks Night at the ballpark, and so all fans have been outfitted to maim. We've already been apprised of 135 deaths before the first pitch, and that just accounts for the children's-only play area here. No confirmation on the rumor that the paramedics were booed as they rushed around, attempting to save lives.

Johnson: HEART-STOPPING, PULSE-POUNDING HOMICIDE GOING ON IN THE STANDS RIGHT NOW JOE! I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS ACTION THAT I AM SEEING! HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS IN YOUR LIFE? THIS IS JUST INCREDIBLE, WALL-TO-WALL ACTION HERE! LOOK AT THAT FAN, HE JUST STABBED MY MOTHER! HEART-RENDING! CBS!!!!

Buck: Well, it's the top of the ninth, folks, and once again, we've got a very anti-climactic finish, as the Phillies are ahead, 22-0. There's the final out, and the Phillies are one win away from a World Series title and an end to Philadelphia's professional sports title drought, at 28 years and still technically counting. The Phillies have outscored the Rays/Red Sox 51-3 so far in the first three games of the series. Tomorrow they'll send Cole Hamels to the mound to try to finish the job. Also fans, a special bonus tonight, I'm hearing right now that governor Ed Rendell has been shot and killed by delirious fans outside of the park. These Philly fans, really ramping up for a championship. We'll see you here, tomorrow night.

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Saturday
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Buck: Well, we're here at Citizens Bank park, and things are looking good for the Phillies. Top of the ninth, 2 outs, nobody on, Phillies up 3-0, and--wait, what's this, yes folks, I don't believe what I'm seeing, but it appears that Charlie Manuel is going to the bullpen and bringing in the lefty--it's Mitch Williams! Apparently, he's here to exorcise some demons.

Johnson: (Dies from excitement)

Buck: The love affair with Williams might be wearing off, fans, as he has walked the bases loaded on twelve pitches and now faces the cleanup spot. The catcher is begging Williams to just throw a strike, and here's the wind and the pitch--and that ball is CRUSHED to left. Grand Slam, Phillies trail 4-3.

...

Buck: And with that, the Phillies go down 4-3 as they Rays/Red Sox get a 1-2-3 ninth. We'll be back here tomorrow for game 5, as the Phillies try to close out the series again. Already I can see some charming little fires being set in small corners of the park.

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Sunday
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Buck: Well, folks, the impossible has happened again--the Phillies have blown a 12-run ninth inning lead, and now trail the Rays/Red Sox 13-12, with two outs in the bottom of the ninth. There's a man on first, and Ryan Howard is at the dish.

There's a long fly ball to left, this one could go, it's a, it's a, it's an out. (Left fielder for the Rays/Red Sox) makes a great play, going over the wall to take away a home run, and this series is headed back to Tampa/Boston. I'll be there with you folks, assuming this nice man with the straight razor pressed against my carotid artery takes his medication like I've asked him to.

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Tuesday
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Buck: Welcome back to the Fall Classic on Fox, brought to you by Bennie Smith of West Philadelphia, a bail bondsman who is now the world's richest man. Bennie's Bail Bonds, when you've just got to commit that one last assault.

Buck: Fans, it's been a wacky series, and as we sit here in the bottom of the ninth, I feel safe saying things are all over. It's 32-0 Phillies, with two outs.

(3 hours later)

Buck: Well folks, what a shocker. The Rays/Red Sox have scored 33 runs after 2 outs, and have forced a seventh game. In related news, I've just been informed that the city of Philadelphia has been placed under martial law by it's new mayor, a convicted felon named "Cement", who just today broke out of prison and killed the entire city government...we'll see you back here, for game 7.

On Fox.

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Wednesday
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Buck: Friends, I won't even mince words. I've never seen anything quite like this. In a shocking turn of events, the Phillies have been beaten up from moment one tonight, and are trailing 232-1 here in the top of the ninth. Pat Burrell is up, there's two outs, and fans, you won't believe this, but in the time it took me to say that sentence, Burrell struck out on three pitches. The Rays/Red Sox are your 2008 World Series Champs.

Buck: Let's cut now to a live feed from Philadelphia, where Chris Myers is standing by.

Myers: Well Joe, I ha--

Myers is decapitated by Boise State running back Ian Johnson.

Ian Johnson: That's for ruining my marriage proposal, dick.

Buck: Thanks Chris, and thanks Ian, for doing something we should have done long ago. For all of us at Fox, I'm Joe Buck. Thanks for watching, and honey, I love you and the ki--.

And SCENE

Looks like it's wait til next year, Philly. At least you have your beautiful city to think about and see every morning.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Mighty Morphin Power Rankings, Week 6

God, power rankings are great. When I get up in the morning on a Tuesday or Wednesday, I know I'll have several outlets ready to provide me with knee-jerk, snap analysis and arbitrary rankings that have NO bearing on team success. We all know several people who don't give two shits about their team's record, but rather get quite huffy if their team isn't properly placed in the power rankings. So, in the interest of pissing more people off, Creative Differences is proud to present the first edition of the "Mighty Morphin Power Rankings."

1. Tennessee Titans (5-0): What is there to say about the Titans that isn't positive? Oh, the fact that they have no real offensive stars, no gamebreaking big play threats, and a recovering alcoholic at quarterback? With the defense they play, it's tough to find fault with them in spite of everything else.

2. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-1): This seems about right, although I am not sold on them being the second best team in the league right now. It's more a reflection of where I think they could end up at the end of the season, provided their papier-mache quarterback can stay upright long enough to keep finding receivers. A lot depends on his offensive line, though, and that's a bad thing.

3. Washington Redskins (4-2): Too high, you say? Why are they higher than a 1-loss team that beat them earlier this year? Have you started to drink the crazy juice FLS? No, I just think that when the dust settles, a loss to a winless team in a classic letdown game is a lot more palatable than a loss to a 1-3 team on Monday Night Football, especially when one loss is last second, and the other is by 3 TD's.

4. New York Giants (4-1): Tough not to be a little concerned with the way they made Derek Anderson look like Johnny Unitas and abandoned the run so early against a truly ghastly Browns team. If you're the defending champs, Monday Night Football against an inept team is a time when you're supposed to handle your business. The Jints didn't.

5. Buffalo Bills (4-1): Yes, they're coming off a bye, and their last game wasn't pretty, but this team has shown that it does too many things well to be discounted, especially if Trent Edwards is healthy. Easily the class of what's shaping up to be a very iffy division, and a team that looks to be built for playoff football.

6. Dallas Cowboys (4-2): It's awfully tough for me to put them this high, but the teams that will come behind them I find to be far more fatally flawed than the 'Boys. If they can squeak by at 2-2 without Tony Romo, they'll be just dandy to end the season on a nice 5-1 tear and stroll into the playoffs, because I just don't see the rest of that division keeping up their current pace this whole year.

7. Arizona Cardinals (4-2): Can't believe I'm putting them this high, because I really don't think they're this good, and I think the rest of the season is going to bear that out. Still, they can score on anybody, and their division is awful, so that has to be worth something at this point in the game. If Warner is hurt though, they're going to come right back to the pack.

8. Tampa Bay Bucs (4-2): There are 4-2 teams that impress me, and then there are those that don't. For whatever reason, be it Jon Gruden's dislike for Jeff Garcia, a good quarterback, or something else altogether, I simply don't believe in them as a legit division winner or playoff contender. On paper, they seem to be the strongest team in the division, but we all know that the game isn't played on paper. It's played on grass. In stadiums. In front of people.

With a ball.

9. Carolina Panthers (4-2): Another team I have a hard time believing in or figuring out. I said when they were 2-0 that the return of Steve Smith would screw them up, and they've been a pedestrian 2-2 since. I'm not sure who wants to win the NFC South, but right now they're as good a choice as any to do so.

10. Indianapolis Colts (3-2): I'm really not sure if they belong this high or not, but if Pey-Pey is indeed healthy, you can bet they'll score points. The Texans gift-wrapped a game for them, else they'd be in serious trouble for the season, but it's hard to imagine them not ending up at 12-4 or 11-5 and getting in as a wild card. Still, if Manning gets hurt, they're done.

11. Denver Broncos (4-2): There is not another team in the NFL with a winning record that I'm less impressed with than the Broncos. If they had anything approaching a defense at all, I'd be inclined to say that they could stagger into the playoffs at 10-6, but I can't see Jay Cutler and friends scoring enough points to even boost them above .500 for the season. Certainly, they won't do enough to hold off the...

12. San Diego Chargers (3-3): The Chargers are an enigma, capable of blowing up anyone in the league one week, then laying a colossal egg the next. If LT gets healthy at some point, they obviously become more formidable, but whether or not that ever happens remains to be seen. Still, they look like the best in a mediocre division.

13. New York Jets (3-2): From here on, the rankings consist mostly of teams that don't excite me as possible troublemakers for the rest of the season. The Jets seem like the third best team in a division that only has one really good team, but I'm putting them above the Patriots because they're better at the quarterback position.

14. New England Patriots (3-2): Sorry Billy, but without lil' Tommy and some "advance scouting", you and your squad are nothing more than a middle of the road bunch. Nothing to see here, people, please keep moving.

15. New Orleans Saints (3-2): The run on "New" teams continues, with a group that I think will end up winning the NFC South teetering near the bottom half of the rankings. The Vikings loss was absolutely atrocious, and wins against the Raiders should only count for half at this point.

16. Atlanta Falcons (4-2): Nice story, really, but I'd like to see a few more wins against better competition before I hand Matty Ice the keys to my heart. Shame that the Georgia Dome crowd was so sparse for the pulsating finish against the Bears, but I guess ATLiens would rather get behind a convicted felon, than a guy that, you know, seems to have a knack for winning games.

17. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-3): Still have to be kicking themselves for not taking care of business against the Steelers at home, especially when it seems that their playoff lives are very tenuous, at least at this early juncture. David Garrard doesn't look like the player he was last year, and the inability of the defense to pressure the opposing quarterback is hurting them.

18. Philadelphia Eagles (3-3): Wildly inconsistent team that I was ready to anoint a contender after they beat up the Steelers, but now am not so sure about, even coming off a 14-point win on the road. If they can't stay healthy, they've got no chance, especially when it looks like 9-7 might be good for dead last within the division.

19-21. Please put the Packers, Vikings, and Bears and their 3-3 records in any order you prefer in order to fill these spots in the rankings, because I damn sure don't have a clue what separates them.

22. Cleveland Browns (2-3): Not sure if what we saw Monday night was a mirage, but if it wasn't, the Steelers might actually have some competition for the division crown after all. Still, I'm tempted to say that it was in fact a mirage, but that's just the pessimist in me.

23. Miami Dolphins (2-3): Nowhere else to put them, really, but they certainly look like a team capable of winning 7-8 games and not being a complete embarassment. What's more, since Parcells is running the show, they'll probably be good for 11 wins and a playoff spot next year. Hope springs eternal at the bottom of the rankings for you, Dolphins fans.

24. Baltimore Ravens (2-3): They simply can't score enough to be considered even an average team. It's a shame, because the D is just so good. It's almost enough to make you feel sorry for Ray Lewis, until you realize that he's Ray Lewis.

25. Houston Texans (1-4): Should be 2-3, generally fight harder than most of the teams at the end of this list, so therefore, I'll put them above at least 1 team that has more than 1 win. Still, fighting hard doesn't exactly get you anywhere in today's NFL, now does it?

26. San Francisco 49ers (2-4): J.T. O'Sullivan is starting to look kinda ehh-ish, and that's not a good thing for a team that can use any kind of good news. Still, when Arizona is your division leader, you've always got a shot.

27. Seattle Seahawks (1-4): I'll say what everyone else says: Wasn't it just a few years ago that this team was in the Super Bowl? Just pathetic all the way around. Happy trails, Holmgren.

28. Oakland Raiders (1-4): I'd really like to put them lower, but doing things to spite Al Davis, especially when he'll never see this post, just seem a little bit unnecessary--kind of like the Lane Kiffin firing. Congratulations Raider fans, you're all stuck in hell!

29. Kansas City Chiefs (1-4): So awful. They didn't trade Tony Gonzalez, Larry Johnson is in more trouble with the law, and they just seem like they don't have anything whatsoever to look at with positive feelings. Ahh, the life of a doormat.

30. St. Louis Rams (1-4): ONLY because they have a win. Trust me though, I'm rooting for them to go 1-15 and lose every remaining game by 60 so Jim Haslett can never coach another team in any capacity ever again.

31. Cincinnati Bengals (0-6): Tough call here--the Bengals stink, but they've been marginally competitive for a few games, so we can't completely trash them. However, the next team on this list can be completely trashed, and that's why they're in the basement.

32. Detroit Lions (0-5): Traded Roy Williams, their best player, for three draft picks. Can't wait to see which 3 wide receivers they decide to pick. Still, every day where Matt Millen isn't employed by the team is a good one.