Raiders of the Lost Fark

Good afternoon, class.


I'm your professor, Dr. Henry Walden Jones VI. This is Athletic Anthropology 201, and our first chapter deals with the massacre in Cleveland on September 14, 2008.

Before we delve into the precious artifacts recently discovered from this catastrophic event, I'd like to give you some background. On Sept. 14, the football team then known as the Cleveland Browns played its rival, a team called the Pittsburgh Steelers. The original Browns team had been moved from Cleveland to Baltimore in 1996 by a man named Art Modell, whom Ohioan cultures consider the embodiment of the devil. But in the year 1999, the National Football League granted Cleveland a new team, and the city retained the Browns' uniform and nickname.

From the 1999 season to Sept. 14, 2008, however, the Steelers dominated every facet of the rivalry. They went 16-3 during that time, and with the exception of a 20-point Browns victory in 2003 - which Pope Bob Saget II has since declared a miracle - there was extreme anger and frustration building up inside the Browns and their fans.

By the 2008 season, the Browns had a good amount of talent on their roster, and while the Steelers were talented as well, all the anger and frustration was unleashed on that fateful Sunday night.

The voracious beatdown claimed the life of every single Steeler on the field, and the tornadic storm resulted in the deaths of several hundred fans, too, before engulfing the stadium and burying it far beneath the Earth's surface. After the game, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell indefinitely suspended play, and the league never recovered.

What's of interest to this class, however, and thus of interest to you, are the discoveries of Steelers artifacts by the Northern Ohio expedition last summer.


This is a cinammon donut, a common delicacy during the 21st century, and as you can see, a bite has been taken. Otherwise unremarkable, it has been determined through DNA samples that the donut belonged to defensive tackle Casey Hampton, and he was actually keeping it in his shoulder pads so he could nibble on it between plays.


This was known as a "promise ring" and it belong to Steelers safety Anthony Smith, who kept it in his pocket. It was given to him by then-boyfriend DeShawn Stevenson, though historians don't believe the relationship would have lasted since Smith is terrible at keeping his word.


This adult diaper was worn by receiver Hines Ward, whom historians believe wet himself repeatedly during games, judging by his facial expressions after every catch.


The rock band Nickelback was popular during the early 21st century for no apparent reason. This copy of the successful album "All the Right Reasons" belonged to quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, who stuffed his pants with it.


Fans of the Steelers waved this artifact, known as a "terrible towel", at the game. After exhaustive research, archaeologists concluded there is nothing terrible about the towel, so the named was changed to "douchebag dishrag."


For the game, the Steelers replaced their offensive line with blocks of swiss cheese after deciding they would produce the same results, but the cheese would cost less. Plus, it smelled better than center Justin Hartwig.


These sunglasses, known as "aviators", were worn by Steelers coach Mike Tomlin. Even Browns fans acknowledged he totally rocked them.


This collection of candy hearts belonged to Steelers receiver Limas Sweed, whose soft play earned him the nickname "Sweedie Pie."


Diggers actually uncovered the corpse of DeShea Townsend, who played cornerback for the Steelers. Historians questioned his actual existence, because Steelers fans claimed he disappeared during many games.


Because of his intimidating demeanor, Steelers players called linebacker James Harrison "Silverback", and Anthony Smith gave him these bananas as a joke. It wasn't a joke to Harrison, however, who castrated Smith on the spot.


Punter Daniel Sepulveda suffered a knee injury before the 2008 season, and he wasn't even playing in the game on Sept. 14. But that didn't stop Browns defensive tackle Shaun Rogers from running him down on the sideline and ripping him limb from limb. Archaeologists were only able to recover his head.


These scrungies belonged to safety Troy Polamalu, who defied the team's hard-nosed reputation with his supremely girly hair.


Finally, this crude stick no doubt belonged to a Steelers fan at the game. Paleontologists cite Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania as the biggest collection of neanderthals in Earth's history.



That's all for today. For the next class, I want you to read pages 8-45 of "Derek Bell's Extortion Extravaganza" and listen to the audio file "HERE WE GO, STILL-ERS, HERE WE GO" for our chapter on mongoloids.

Dismissed.