Hop on board the General Lee

I haven't written many Tribe posts lately, because (a) I was traveling across the country as detailed in the post below, and (b) the Indians were so hot I didn't want to gum up the works.

But after being swept by the Mariners and their obnoxious Japanese leadoff hitter who still can't speak English and hates Cleveland, the 10-game win streak was over and the Tribe came back down to Earth. Still, I was very happy with the effort these guys continued to show even in the face of a lost season. Veteran leaders like Jhonny Peralta and DJMJ man crush Grady Sizemore anchored the lineup, and young talents like Ben Francisco and Franklin Gutierrez began to emerge.

There's one guy, though, who emerged during the first week of the season and hasn't faded back into the pack. He's Cliff Lee, who stymied the division-leading White Sox Monday night and became Cleveland's first 20-game winner since Gaylord Perry in 1974. Lee allowed just five hits in pitching a complete-game shutout, and he ended the game by forcing AL home run leader Carlos Quentin into a double play.

Amidst a year of injuries and underachieving, the General Cliff Lee has been rock solid, rebounding from his turbulent 2007 season and returning to the form he showed in going 18-5 three years ago. Lee started the All-Star Game, and he's a favorite to win the Cy Young Award.

In other words, Cliff Lee is one of the greatest things in the history of the world. Let's see how he stacks up.

The Invasion of Normandy

The two-month period during the summer of 1944 that saw 425,000 brave young soldiers lose their lives was also the first major step taken by the Allied Forces toward ending World War II. They halted the spread of one of history's most evil ideologies, and then came back to a country that (frankly) rejected them, but still helped build the industries we know today. In no way did these men and women fight for their own benefit. They fought because it was simply the right thing to do. To quote Tom Brokaw, "It is, I believe, the greatest generation any society has ever produced."

VERDICT: The Invasion of Normandy, because Cliff Lee never killed any Nazis

The Ninety-Five Theses on the Power of Indulgences

Disillusioned by his own beliefs and disgusted by Christianity's growing commercialism, Martin Luther famously posted his complaints about the Roman Catholic Church in Wittenberg, Germany, and infamously overhauled religion in the early 16th century. Some view him as a sinner and an atheist. Many others, however, view him as an inspired realist and the most significant reason why Americans and Europeans enjoy the religious freedoms they do today.

VERDICT: Cliff Lee, because he's the central figure of several religions himself

The Declaration of Independence

Thomas Jefferson wrote this statement of American freedom on behalf of Congress, and it was ratified on July 4, 1776. On that same day, Britain's King George III made a single, iconic entry in his diary: "Nothing important happened today." Facing a young country whose ideology would soon change the course of humanity, helmed by a group of men whose vision now stands rightfully beside the most brilliant and benevolent the world has ever seen, what other reaction could any human being have?

VERDICT: The Declaration of Independence, by a lot

Adam Goldberg's guest spot on Entourage

On a show renowned for its guest stars, Adam Goldberg's turn as the privileged, neurotic, cocaine-addicted Nicky Rubenstein is a hundred cuts above the rest. The son of a major Hollywood producer, Rubenstein comes into a huge trust fund on his 35th birthday and decides to become a producer himself, financing Vince and Eric's Pablo Escobar movie. Goldberg's quick-witted, hilarious take on the character is worth $10 million itself.

VERDICT: Goldberg, because Cliff Lee isn't funny

The Battle of Thermopylae

Approximately 2,300 Spartans, Thespians, Thebans and Helots suffered defeat but stood their ground and helped stop the advancing Persian Empire in one of history's most notable examples of bravery. Cliff Lee has stood his ground this season without much help from the offense, and although he hasn't faced any Persians, I seriously doubt they could catch up to his fastballs.

VERDICT: The Battle of Thermopylae, by a severed nose

The Emancipation Proclamation

The primogenitor of racial equality under the United States government, Abraham Lincoln's bold orders freed slaves in the Confederacy and marked the first real attempt to incorporate African-Americans into the fabric of society. Now if only Major League Baseball would follow its lead.

VERDICT: Cliff Lee, an equal-opportunity ass-kicker

Greek Logic

The study of valid inference is as important as any scientific research, and our society would do well to teach it in schools like we teach biology, geology, etc. The Greeks were the foremost proponents of modern logic, from Plato's philosophical examinations to Aristotle's syllogism to the modality and conditionality of the Stoics. That said, there's no logical way to categorize Cliff Lee's dominance this season.

VERDICT: Logic, by a good amount

Charles Barkley

He wrote a book called "I May Be Wrong, But I Doubt It." He dropped this gem after the Dream Team's game against Angola: "Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back, even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in awhile." His zings on TNT's NBA coverage are priceless. Outspoken, hilarious, self-deprecating and knowledgeable, nobody does it better than Barkley.

VERDICT: Barkley, although I'm anxiously awaiting Cliff Lee's studio debut

Galileo Galilei

From the phases of Venus to the four biggest moons of Jupiter (including LeBron's 2010 destination), Galileo made tons of important discoveries using his telescope, and also championed Copernicanism, or the idea of a heliocentric solar system, more than any other scientist. His contributions to the scientific revolution are immeasurable, and grab your telescopes, kids, because 2009 has been officially declared the International Year of Astronomy.

VERDICT: Cliff Lee, who provides pitcherocentric baseball games

Carrie Underwood

This platinum blonde Oklahoma beauty has the country music chops to match, even if she did come from American Idol. Thank you eternally, Stephen and Carolyn Underwood. No more words are necessary.

VERDICT: Underwood, seriously, just look at her