Again? Another "Rivalry" Game? Ah Fuck

Well, I suppose I've got to do this all over again. Yes, by "this" I mean, "Get up for another 'rivalry' game against a team I really couldn't give two and a half shits about."

This week, the Pittsburgh Steelers travel the other direction on the turnpike (Fly Southwest) to face the Philadelphia Eagles of Greater New Jersey. Already, I've gotten e-mails from former co-workers in Philadelphia with such clever subject lines like, "F the Steelers" and "fuck the steelers". Needless to say, with putdowns like that, my self-esteem has been taking quite the beating. Just like last week's soiree in Cleveland, I find myself having trouble taking this game seriously and treating it with appropriate levels of animosity and froth.

Certainly, it's a big game for the Steelers. Every game in the NFL is big. Sure, it's not as big of a game as it would be if they were 0-2 (Hi Cleveland!) or 1-1 (You too, Philly!), but it's a big game nonetheless. Much has been made by people who don't have anything better to do, namely some of my colleagues, that the Steelers haven't won in Philly since roughly the Kennedy administration. This is amazing, and entirely pertinent to this week's contest, as most of the players on both sides were in diapers the last time the Steelers played a regular-season game in the 216. At least, that's probably true. I didn't actually bother to do any research to back that general claim. Know why? I don't care about this game very much.

If the Steelers lose, so what? I put up with a few asinine statements by Philly people for a few days, Brother Love posts something on this blog, 10 people read it, I go on with my life, etc. If the Steelers win, the same thing applies. I don't write about it, because, whoop dee fucking doo, the Steelers are 3-0 and in first place, and really I've got much better things to do with that knowledge than taunt the less fortunate. And believe me, Philly and its citizens are less fortunate. I've never been to a more depressing place on earth (for all you taking notes, this is in fact the part of the post where I begin to bash Philly, but I try to make it subtle and unexpected so that, by the time I'm talking about how residents of Levittown and surrounding communities fuck sheep, you're awfully surprised to see something so profane in such an otherwise lukewarm article).

It's not just that Philly is bordered on one side by a vast, barren wasteland, known to the locals as "New Jersey", it's that it's bordered on the south side and west side by two even more dire places--Delaware (gasp) and suburban eastern Pennsylvania, two places where hope goes to die, or at least have 94% of the life choked out of it. The real thing that sets Philadelphia apart from other shit holes of the country is the attitude adopted by its people, also known as "Philadelphians".

Don't worry kids, Pennsauken's right over that next rise!

The Philadelphian is a pitiable wretch. In most cases, the average Philadelphian will attempt to dodge the actual nature of their relationship to the city, preferring to say, "Oh, I'm from outside of Philly." This phrase, of course, is akin to hearing a woman say, "Oh, I haven't had an outbreak in months." If they're from "outside Philly", they'd damn well better be from Harrisburg, or else I don't want to know them. I wouldn't admit where I was actually from, either, if my town was mainly known for its epic sports failures, propensity for mass aggravated assault, murders, and general proximity to New Jersey.

Just another mayor in waiting

It's easy to feel sorry for Philadelphia, a city that, despite having some damn good food, interesting cultural and historical landmarks, and a few very scenic places, will always be known for chalk outlines, miserable failure, idiot drivers, Angelo Cataldi (someone please shoot this man, along with the rest of the WIP staff), and some fat fuck named "El Wingador", whose picture I won't post, because people with eyes read this blog, and I want to be considerate to them. Yes, it's easy to feel sorry, but I won't, since I don't live there anymore, and have no intention of ever going back, so help me god.

Philly is an armpit, a rectum, a place that should rightfully be walled off and slowly starved to death. It is a stain on America, just like the rest of the eastern seaboard.

Other than that, it's great!

Steelers, 34-21