'Fore we get this lil' freestyle underway, I'm 'a give you some background that gives this battle some extra juice, aight? At Friday's Tribe-Tigers game, my main man Fausto Carmona hit Gary Sheffield wit a pitch, and Sheddar Bob responded by glarin' at him as he took first. Well shortly after, Fausto Cent fired a pickoff in Sheddar Bob's direction, so they started yappin' again, an' fisticuffs ensued.
We can't be havin' this violence, people! We gotta treat each other wit respect! You need to settle yo differences without fightin' n' shit. Which is why we here TONIGHT, atcha favorite hip-hop battleground, the CD Shop!
In one corner, we got the nine-time All-Star Sheddar Bob, and in the other corner, we got the hardest Dominican on the planet, Fausto Cent!
DJ, spin that shit!
(Dre's "Nuthin' But A 'G' Thang" pipes through the speakers)
Hey yo steppin' through the fog and creepin' through the smog
It's Sheddar Bob's mother, she's a fat warthog
I used to chase 'em down, down in Santo Domingo
Sheddar Bob's house smells like impoverished gringos
Who the fuck told this toddler he could talk like that
When the whole city of Cleveland has got my back
So go ahead and see where shit-talkin' will get you
If I was 39 and past my prime, I'd be pissed too
If I were you, I wouldn't charge the mound too often
Cuz my right-hook is faster than Kenny Lofton
I spit cyborg shit, I'm a terminator, Sarah
You want to be saved like Mariano Rivera
How many times you gon' charge the mound like a whore?
One? Two? Three-and-to-tha four?
This shit right here's a training day, Officer Hoyt
Hike your skirt up your ass and take it back to Detroit
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH THAT WAS HOT
But aight, aight, settle down, settle down. Comin' to the mic in response, we got Sheddar Bob! DJ, spin that shit!
(Dre's "Nuthin' But A 'G' Thang" pipes through the speakers)
Ummm, yeah! Ummm, yo! yo! yo! yo! Ummmmm
My name is Sheddar Bob, and I'm here in the house
To, uh, ummm...yeah! yo! yo! yo! yo!
All of you suckers better listen up!
Cuz I'm here to glisten like a styrofoam cup!
Um, wait, I mean, um, I'm harder than that
Er, I act real tough, but I really am
Cuz every morning I wake up and I eat spam!
Oh man! That was good, right?
Yeah! Yo! Yo! Yo! Ummmm
(What did that one rapper do? Oh yeah) ARF ARF ARF
ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF
Uh-huh, and shit! Yeah! Yo! Yo! Yo!
...okaaaay, that was Sheddar Bob!
Now, for the final round, we gotta get yo TIGHTEST shit, but it's gotta be quick! I need just EIGHT lines from each of you! Sheddar Bob gets first crack at the CD Shop! DJ, spin that SHIT!
(Mobb Deep's "Shook Ones Part II" thumps through the speakers)
OK! Now everybody from the Tampa Bay
Put your motherfreaking hands up and say OK!
Uhh, yeah! In the hoooooooooood! ARF ARF
Well, I don't really like Fausto Cent
And, uh I think it's real unkind with the way he went
You better watch out, because I'll defeat you
If, uh, y'know, we, uh
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
...uh, alright, let's give it up for Sheddar Bob!
But I know my man's got a response to that! One more time, CD Shop, show yo love for Fausto Cent! DJ, SPIN THAT SHIT!
(Mobb Deep's "Shook Ones Part II" thumps through the speakers)
Once upon a time in the CD Shop
Fausto Cent got pissed and some bodies dropped
The first one belonged to a gal named Sheddar
Who lost the battle cuz her lyrics weren't better
I'm all about the game, man, fuck the noise
I don't fuck around with shit like needles and 'roids
It's OK, Sheddar Bob, you need help that's prescripted
My skills are like the rarest triple play: unassisted
OOOOH OOOOOH OOOOOOOOOOOH!! Like Jet said during the 2000 Slam Dunk Contest, IT"S OVAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! It's OVAH!
The winner of this battle, an' the winner of the war, is my man FAUSTO CENT! Let the celebration begin!!
(Mobb Deep's "Shook Ones Part II" keeps piping through the speakers)
Y'all come back to the CD Shop next week, when my No. 1 NBA bigot Chris Berman freestyles against Josh Howard to the beat of the Star-Spangled Banner! GET HYPED Y'ALL! DJ, take us out!
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