Phelps is the New Eleven

I knew the Olympics would arrive in the blog eventually, and I figured they'd get here through a heinous smash piece about USA Basketball. Believe me, every 10-minute stretch Chris Paul and Deron Williams are on the floor together, I'm chomping at the bit. Whenever Coach K shortens his rotation on a roster where everyone's a star, I'm foaming at the mouth. Yup, I'm sitting here like a petulant sniper, waiting for these guys to continue USA Basketball's impression of David Caruso's movie career.

Now that's a snappy one-liner

But they're not. In fact, Team USA has been so impressive that I have no doubt we're going to win the gold, and my national pride has pounded down the cynicism harder than LeBron rejected Felizardo Ambrosio.

I've been waiting to chug similar haterade with Michael Phelps, who competes in the supremely sissy Olympic sport of swimming and has taken the Brett Favre baton as the most annoyingly over-saturated athletic figure.

After watching Phelps win his record eighth gold medal Saturday night, however, I don't really feel compelled to bash him. Eight golds is ridiculously impressive no matter how you slice it. At the same time, swimming sucks, so I'm not exactly going to celebrate the achievement, either. Think of it more as a twisted congratulations from Creative Differences to Michael Phelps, with several random thoughts tied together by this Olympic titan.

Random Thought No. 1:

I was watching NBC's coverage with my aunt and uncle Friday evening when DJMJ favorite Bob Costas did an interview with Phelps and former Olympic record-holder and mustache-rocker Mark Spitz. In a revolting lovefest, Spitz congratulated Phelps on breaking his record for most gold medals in a single Olympics (which Phelps hadn't done yet) and described his performance in the white-knuckle 100 butterfly as "epic."

While Spitz isn't wrong, my aunt and I quickly developed a bunch of jokes about that statement, one of which was the line "Phelps is the new epic." That phrase has been used to describe many things, the coolest of which was no doubt the teaser poster for Ocean's Twelve, which read "Twelve is the New Eleven."


Random Thought No. 2:

Michael Phelps is a dork.

Yup

His overbite, his Dumbo ears, his Diplodocus posture. Can't forget his accomplishments, either, and Phelps' medal-mongering is the latest in a recent trend of dorks coming up big in sports.

Just a few months ago, Eli Manning led the Giants to a championship.

Ladies and gentlemen...your Super Bowl-winning quarterback

Then, Kevin Garnett led the Celtics to a championship.

Way to go, KGeek, knock that bully out

Right now, Kyle Busch is eviscerating the rest of the NASCAR Sprint Cup series.

I wish my car was sponsored by Magic: The Gathering

What's next? Napoleon Dynamite, World Series MVP?

Random Thought No. 3:

The Olympics are drawing record ratings. Apparently, we live in fourth-century Greece.

Random Thought No. 4:

Since NBC began advertising Michael Phelps DVDs two minutes after he won his eighth gold medal, I figure a biopic isn't far off. In that case, I have the perfect actor to play him.

First, here's another shot of Phelps:


Now, here's a shot of CSI: Miami cast member Jonathan Togo:


When Togo's character debuted in the third season, he clearly had no charisma and wasn't very good at acting tough. Sounds just like Phelps to me.

But enough monkey business. Phelps' eight gold medals are a testament to great moments in sports, an achievement we'll remember the rest of our lives, like Barry Bonds' 756th home run* and the Patriots' perfect season*. It's a hallowed mark that will live in the annals of Olympic competition until the next timeless swimmer comes along, if he ever does.

With that in mind, congratulations, Michael Phelps.

I think.