Mike Tomlin: Okay guys, time to fucking regroup. We clearly weren't ready for the Eagles last week, and I think it's obvious that the men in this room deserve a good chunk of the blame for that. Before we go into game planning, I just wanted to let ya'll know that Willie won't be playing this week, same goes with Casey. Willie banged up his knee, and Casey's fat.
Bruce Arians: Willie's not playing? What? What? Coach, you've got to be joking! Sweet merciful tits of Oprah, tell me you're kidding!
MT: Nope, I'm uh, pretty serious. He sprained his knee, he's out for at least a week, maybe two. Keisel's also out, Dick, just so you know.
Dick LeBeau: Whatever.
MT: Why you so worried about Willie not playing? It's not like Rashard's going to go out there, take the first handoff and fumb--oh FUCK ME SIDEWAYS. Intern! Go out and find all the Krazy glue you can get your hands on. I want gallons of the stuff. Oh, and pine tar, get me some fucking pine tar. I want you to find enough pine tar to make George Brett pop a goddamn boner!
BA: That's more like it, coach. I thought for a second you'd forgotten exactly who we're dealing with here. Rashard holds onto the ball about as well as he holds onto his valuables.
DL: Is there any reason for me to be here? Because if not, I'm going to the strip club--you knob-gobbling pissants are driving me crazy.
MT: Go, go, get out of here--some kind of team player you are.
DL: Whatever.
[Tomlin and Arians sit in silence, nervously waiting for the intern to return]
Intern: Phew, sorry it took so long, coach, but I managed to round up 35 gallons of Krazy glue and 10 buckets of pine tar--I just took everything I could find from PNC Park--no one seemed to care. Say, have you guys done anything since I left? That trip took me a good 3 hours and it doesn't look like you guys have moved. Aren't you getting ready for the Ravens?
MT: Shut the fuck up and leave, kid. We don't need you anymore. Here's a dollar, go buy a life.
Intern: Uh, coach, that joke was out of style about 20 years ago. [Leaves]
MT: Who needs a gameplan, anyway? With this stuff, we're guaranteed to only lose by 10! I'm tired, let's go home and play Chutes and Ladders, okay Brucie?
BA: You're the boss, boss.
Steelers Fans Everywhere: Sigh.
