FINALLY...

...the Rock HAS COME BACK to Cleveland!

I see you have an 11-game win streak, Boston Red Sox. I'll tell you what you can do with your win streak.

Take that win streak...

shine it up real nice...

turn that sumbitch sideways...



AND STICK IT STRAIGHT UP
YOUR CANDY ASS


GO TRIBE

It's gon' be a good day, tater

Two huge events on the Cleveland sports agenda today.

First, the Cavs can clinch the No. 1 seed in the Eastern Conference and go up a full game on the Lakers for best overall record with a win tonight in Philadelphia. Our last meeting with the Sixers capped our unholy destruction tour in November and December, and they're a better team now that's fighting to get into the 4/5 matchup in the East.

The good news is that Ben Wallace returned on Wednesday against Washington, and the rotation of Big Ben, Big Z, Anderson Varejao and Joe Smith presents several matchup problems and makes other front lines look lilliputian in comparison. There would be a certain poeticism to losing tonight and slaughtering the Celtics at the Q on Sunday to clinch the top overall seed, but home court the entire postseason is too important, considering our bed-shitting performances against the Lakers this season.

On another note, J.J. Hickson's back injury opened up a roster spot the Cavs filled with Jawad Williams, the Lakewood native who was cut midway through the season. He probably won't see the floor unless it's garbage time, but it's a feel-good story nonetheless. Unless you're J.J. Hickson's back.

Before that takes place, the Tribe faces the Blue Jays in the home opener at the Jake, er, Prog. Our starting pitching has been wretched, but the Rangers have a dynamite offense and they, along with the A's, inexplicably play well against us every time we face them.

Moral of the story, it's not panic time yet, especially not with hot young prospect Scott Lewis taking the mound. He was 4-0 last year with a 2.63 ERA, and with a win today he'd become the first Indians pitcher to win his first five starts since 19-fucking-20. That'd be pretty impressive.

The offense has been mashing reasonably well, Pronk's swing looks fairly clean and the defense has only committed one error through three games. Plus, Ben Francisco hit a meaningless home run the other day. Things are back to normal!

GO TRIBE

LET'S GO CAVS

It's time for Carl Pavano's first start!

Cliff Lee got rocked on opening day. Fausto Carmona struggled in the second game.

That's OK, we've got the $11 million man CARL PAVANO closing out the series! Let's go Pavano!

It's Tribe time

On the gorgeous sandbanks of Goodyear, Arizona, the Cleveland Indians are back at it. Pitchers and catchers report today, thus beginning the quest for the 2009 AL Central crown and kicking off a scorching run of Tribe posts on this blog.

Odd-numbered years have been very good to the Indians this decade. 2001 was the last AL Central title for the '90s crew and the first for general manager Mark Shapiro. 2003 sucked, but we won 93 games in 2005 and then won the AL Central in 2007 and came within a whiff of beating both the Yankees and Red Sox in the same postseason to reach the World Series.

Last year was disappointing, but we caught fire in the second half to finish 81-81. C.C. Sabathia's gone, having signed an economy-crippling contract in New York, so here's a quick look at the pitchers and catchers that are going to put us back on top of the division:

Starters:

Cliff Lee - All that is man

Fausto Carmona - Must avoid injuries to return to '07 form

Carl Pavano - Cost-effective experiment at No. 3

Anthony Reyes - ERA is low, injury risk is high

Aaron Laffey - Must prove that '07 stretch run wasn't a fluke


Potential starters:

Jeremy Sowers - Ex-DJMJ whipping boy looked good during second half of '08

Scott Lewis - Red-hot lefty killed it during four September starts

David Huff - Shot up through the minors, MLB debut likely coming soon

Zach Jackson - Provides depth and competition for others


Bullpen:

Kerry Wood - Effective fireball closer probably won't avoid DL entirely

Rafael Perez - Great left-handed reliever needs a bounceback year

Rafael Betancourt - Will we get '07 Righty Raffy or first-half-of-'08 Right Raffy?

Jensen Lewis - Reliable reliever and second option at closer

Joe Smith - If he can pitch well out of the Mets' bullpen, he can do it for anyone

Masa Kobayashi - Inconsistency must stop if he wants another Major League contract

Adam Miller - Top prospect in the organization might finally make his big-league debut

Rich Rundles - Has value as another lefty in the pen


Catchers:

Victor Martinez - Baseball's best offensive catcher needs to stay healthy

Kelly Shoppach - Baseball's best back-up catcher will lighten the load on V-Mart

Carlos Santana - Prize of the Casey Blake trade won't be in Akron for long

I suck

It's banal, it's mundane, it's witless, it's obtuse.

It's also true.

When it comes to sports, I'm a loser. Cleveland, Penn State football and United States men's soccer is all I truly give a shit about. And none of them do shit. Not only that, they constantly finds new ways to rip out my intestines and shit where my spleen used to be.

This blog is about Cleveland and Pittsburgh, but this has more to do with Penn State's rectum-rupturing loss to Iowa this afternoon. Between making Rick Stanzi look like Joe Montana, veterans like Anthony Scirrotto making peewee football mistakes late in the game, mind-numbing/boggling playcalling, Bob Griese rooting for the Hawkeyes, and the dreams of ANOTHER FUCKING SPORTS CHAMPIONSHIP ruined, I'm dispondent.

Remember that scene in Happy Gilmore after Happy accidentally killed Chubbs? It's the one where he tells Virginia "Anybody close to me dies. If I were you, I'd run."

If you're also a fan of any of my sports teams, I'd stop rooting for them.

Now, I'm cutting this post off before I decide to quit sports altogether.

We Are Legend

Congratulations, Philadelphia.

What else can I say? The Phillies had a Rocktober of their own and went 24-6 when it counted most to claim their first title since 1980, and the city's first since 1983. I didn't know any people from Philadelphia before I went to Penn State, and now that I've met tons of them, I count a couple Philadelphians among my closest friends.

That's what this series was really about. Sure, a few players deleted the words "postseason shrinkage" from their resumes (Ryan Howard and Bradford C. Lidge, I'm talking to you). But it was more about the fans of Philadelphia. Yes, they swear like Ari Gold on tourette's. Yes, they guzzle beer like John Daly at happy hour. Yes, they booed Santa and threw batteries at the Cardinals. Take them away from sports, however, and they're as chill as the rest of us.

That made it even easier to congratulate them after beating the Rays in Game 5's dismembered limb. I normally pull for my friends' teams when mine are out, and offer congrats if one of them goes all the way. Heck, I even gave FLS hate-free props when the Steelers won the Super Bowl a couple years ago. In any case, Philadelphia fans have finally gotten that silverback ape off their back. Now they can excitedly recall the last time one of their teams won a championship. They can proudly say, along with everyone else, "Now I can die in peace."

And if they're dead, then I'm the last guy alive.


Sports fans could debate the guidelines for futility until they're blue in the face. My city has more teams! I like one of my teams more than the others! You just choke, we never make it! We've had it way worse than you!

Pushing aside all the arguments, here's one true, undeniable fact: Outside of Cleveland, I don't know a single person who's never seen one of their teams win a championship.

I have plenty of friends who pine for the Cubs, but they never forget about Michael Jordan's unparalleled time in Chicago. Same goes for my Dad's side of the family, who cheered on the Bills through four straight Super Bowl losses, but still watched them win AFL titles in 1964 and 1965.

It's different for me. I know the catalogue by heart. Art Modell snatched the Browns and won a Super Bowl elsewhere four years later. Our last coach before the theft has won three Super Bowls since. The Cavs hit the Jordan wall five times from 1987-1994, and missed the 2005 playoffs despite having the conference's second-best record at the All-Star break. The Tribe was two outs away from winning the World Series, only to watch a fifth-year team rally to beat us. We were up 3-1 in the ALCS and had our ace going at home in Game 5, but it still wasn't cushion enough. That's just the stuff I've experienced personally.

Oh, and we couldn't win the 1995 World Series with one of the best offenses in baseball history, keyed by one of the guys who knocked us out of the 2007 postseason, and put together by the guy who just managed the Phils to a title. Charlie Manuel had a nice little message after the victory:

"Tell them in Cleveland...we just won a World Series!"


We saw, Chuck. Congratulations.

If that's not enough, there's always someone who tries to downplay our losing, tries to deny us the only "title" we can really claim. Philly native and ESPN writer Jayson Stark wrote a big piece about the relief this championship brings to the city, and one of his statistics is that Philadelphia's teams had gone a combined 9,029 games since their last title. Well, Cleveland's gone 1,854 games longer. Without a fourth team. And without the Cavs for five of those years.

But that's just sour grapes. Is all this really that important? I'd take the well-being of my family and friends a million times over before I'd take a Browns, Cavs or Indians championship. It's just that I spend so much time on these teams. They're one of my favorite leisure activities. Because I invest myself in them, it gets harder and harder to watch others celebrate, no matter how much I like them.

Maybe those celebrations keep me going. Or it could be the fact that there are millions who share my dream. I may be the last man on Earth, but I can't forget:

8 Mile Rode

Yo yo yo yoooo! What's good CD Shop!! It's ya boy DJ MomJeans an' I hope you ready fo' the battle of the YEAR!

'Fore we get this lil' freestyle underway, I'm 'a give you some background that gives this battle some extra juice, aight? At Friday's Tribe-Tigers game, my main man Fausto Carmona hit Gary Sheffield wit a pitch, and Sheddar Bob responded by glarin' at him as he took first. Well shortly after, Fausto Cent fired a pickoff in Sheddar Bob's direction, so they started yappin' again, an' fisticuffs ensued.


We can't be havin' this violence, people! We gotta treat each other wit respect! You need to settle yo differences without fightin' n' shit. Which is why we here TONIGHT, atcha favorite hip-hop battleground, the CD Shop!

In one corner, we got the nine-time All-Star Sheddar Bob, and in the other corner, we got the hardest Dominican on the planet, Fausto Cent!

DJ, spin that shit!

(Dre's "Nuthin' But A 'G' Thang" pipes through the speakers)


Hey yo steppin' through the fog and creepin' through the smog
It's Sheddar Bob's mother, she's a fat warthog
I used to chase 'em down, down in Santo Domingo
Sheddar Bob's house smells like impoverished gringos
Who the fuck told this toddler he could talk like that
When the whole city of Cleveland has got my back
So go ahead and see where shit-talkin' will get you
If I was 39 and past my prime, I'd be pissed too
If I were you, I wouldn't charge the mound too often
Cuz my right-hook is faster than Kenny Lofton
I spit cyborg shit, I'm a terminator, Sarah
You want to be saved like Mariano Rivera
How many times you gon' charge the mound like a whore?
One? Two? Three-and-to-tha four?
This shit right here's a training day, Officer Hoyt
Hike your skirt up your ass and take it back to Detroit



OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH THAT WAS HOT
But aight, aight, settle down, settle down. Comin' to the mic in response, we got Sheddar Bob! DJ, spin that shit!

(Dre's "Nuthin' But A 'G' Thang" pipes through the speakers)


Ummm, yeah! Ummm, yo! yo! yo! yo! Ummmmm
My name is Sheddar Bob, and I'm here in the house
To, uh, ummm...yeah! yo! yo! yo! yo!
All of you suckers better listen up!
Cuz I'm here to glisten like a styrofoam cup!
Um, wait, I mean, um, I'm harder than that
Er, I act real tough, but I really am
Cuz every morning I wake up and I eat spam!
Oh man! That was good, right?
Yeah! Yo! Yo! Yo! Ummmm
(What did that one rapper do? Oh yeah) ARF ARF ARF
ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF
Uh-huh, and shit! Yeah! Yo! Yo! Yo!



...okaaaay, that was Sheddar Bob!

Now, for the final round, we gotta get yo TIGHTEST shit, but it's gotta be quick! I need just EIGHT lines from each of you! Sheddar Bob gets first crack at the CD Shop! DJ, spin that SHIT!

(Mobb Deep's "Shook Ones Part II" thumps through the speakers)


OK! Now everybody from the Tampa Bay
Put your motherfreaking hands up and say OK!
Uhh, yeah! In the hoooooooooood! ARF ARF
Well, I don't really like Fausto Cent
And, uh I think it's real unkind with the way he went
You better watch out, because I'll defeat you
If, uh, y'know, we, uh
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!


...uh, alright, let's give it up for Sheddar Bob!

But I know my man's got a response to that! One more time, CD Shop, show yo love for Fausto Cent! DJ, SPIN THAT SHIT!

(Mobb Deep's "Shook Ones Part II" thumps through the speakers)


Once upon a time in the CD Shop
Fausto Cent got pissed and some bodies dropped
The first one belonged to a gal named Sheddar
Who lost the battle cuz her lyrics weren't better
I'm all about the game, man, fuck the noise
I don't fuck around with shit like needles and 'roids
It's OK, Sheddar Bob, you need help that's prescripted
My skills are like the rarest triple play: unassisted



OOOOH OOOOOH OOOOOOOOOOOH!! Like Jet said during the 2000 Slam Dunk Contest, IT"S OVAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! It's OVAH!

The winner of this battle, an' the winner of the war, is my man FAUSTO CENT! Let the celebration begin!!


(Mobb Deep's "Shook Ones Part II" keeps piping through the speakers)

Y'all come back to the CD Shop next week, when my No. 1 NBA bigot Chris Berman freestyles against Josh Howard to the beat of the Star-Spangled Banner! GET HYPED Y'ALL! DJ, take us out!

Way to go, Bichiro

Three cheers for Mariners outfielder Bichiro Suzuki!

In case you didn't hear -- and judging by Seattle's attendance, you haven't! -- Bichiro tied the Major League record by amassing at least 200 hits in eight consecutive seasons. He did so with three hits Wednesday night against Kansas City, matching the Royals' offensive output for the entire month of September in the process.

So what does this have to do with Cleveland or Pittsburgh? Well, about 15 months ago, Bichiro and the Mariners played a makeup game at Jacobs Field after snow assaulted Cleveland during April. Before that trip, our favorite Asian made the following statement through an interpreter:

"To tell the truth, I'm not excited to go to Cleveland, but we have to. If I ever saw myself saying I'm excited going to Cleveland, I'd punch myself in the face, because I'm lying."


Oh Bichiro, you're so funny!

You're also a very talented baseball player, judging by your eight All-Star selections, seven Gold Gloves, one MVP award, one Rookie of the Year award, and single-season record of 262 hits.

It's a resume that would make any baseball fan blush, and this latest achievement only further solidifies your status as one of the greatest hitters in baseball history.

Sure, your quote about Cleveland was unkind and disrespectful, but if you think I'm some kind of petulant five-year-old who still holds a grudge...







...well you're GOD DAMN RIGHT!

The 20 Greatest Moments of Bichiro's Life

20. Bichiro is born in 1973

Actually, it was more fun for his parents. Bichiro was unintended.

19. Bichiro hits the first inside-the-park homer in All-Star history in 2007

Fittingly enough, this totally gay accomplishment happened in San Francisco.

18. Bichiro and the Mariners blow a 12-run lead against the Tribe in 2001

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

17. Bichiro helps Japan win the 2006 World Baseball Classic

Both fans who watched were absolutely enthralled.

16. Bichiro bats .350 with 242 hits in his rookie season

His .222 average and four hits in the ALCS are uber-impressed.

15. Bichiro signs with the Mariners in 2000

He's the first Japanese-born position player in Major League Baseball...and he still can't speak English.

14. Bichiro writes the word "concentration" on his glove as a Little Leaguer

Guess he wanted to honor that World War II entente.

13. Bichiro appears on a Japanese TV drama in 2006

Even Shaquille O'Neal thought his acting sucked.

12. Bichiro collects his 3,000th professional hit in 2008

But some of them came in a lesser league, so he has Bobby Bowden's support.

11. Bichiro breaks a record with his 199th single in 2004

He later celebrates by dropping 199 singles at a strip club.

'Sumwun say scrip club?

10. Bichiro joins the Japanese Baseball Hall of Fame

Raise your hand if you knew the Japanese Baseball Hall of Fame existed.

9. Bichiro leads the Orix BlueWave to the 1996 Japan Series title

Raise your hand if you knew the Japan Series existed.

8. Bichiro is called "the human batting machine" by the Japanese press

Suge Knight adds Bichiro to his posse shortly after.

7. Bichiro and his wife move into the same neighborhood as Bill Gates

Bichiro couldn't figure out Windows Vista even if he spoke English.

6. Bichiro and the Mariners win 116 games in 2001

MLB's ad campaign claims "There's only one October." The same could be said of Bichiro's career.

5. Bichiro appears on the cover of Time Magazine in 2004

Clearly, there wasn't much going on at the time.

4. Bichiro ties the record by amassing 200 hits in eight straight seasons

It's a victory for arbitrary statistics everywhere.

3. Bichiro hits .505 in high school

But just .105 with the ladies.

2. Bichiro signs a five-year contract extension in 2007

He won't actually receive all $90 million until 2032. Maybe he'll be able to speak English by then.

1. Bichiro moves to Cleveland

He punches himself unconscious. The midges take care of the rest.

Hop on board the General Lee

I haven't written many Tribe posts lately, because (a) I was traveling across the country as detailed in the post below, and (b) the Indians were so hot I didn't want to gum up the works.

But after being swept by the Mariners and their obnoxious Japanese leadoff hitter who still can't speak English and hates Cleveland, the 10-game win streak was over and the Tribe came back down to Earth. Still, I was very happy with the effort these guys continued to show even in the face of a lost season. Veteran leaders like Jhonny Peralta and DJMJ man crush Grady Sizemore anchored the lineup, and young talents like Ben Francisco and Franklin Gutierrez began to emerge.

There's one guy, though, who emerged during the first week of the season and hasn't faded back into the pack. He's Cliff Lee, who stymied the division-leading White Sox Monday night and became Cleveland's first 20-game winner since Gaylord Perry in 1974. Lee allowed just five hits in pitching a complete-game shutout, and he ended the game by forcing AL home run leader Carlos Quentin into a double play.

Amidst a year of injuries and underachieving, the General Cliff Lee has been rock solid, rebounding from his turbulent 2007 season and returning to the form he showed in going 18-5 three years ago. Lee started the All-Star Game, and he's a favorite to win the Cy Young Award.

In other words, Cliff Lee is one of the greatest things in the history of the world. Let's see how he stacks up.

The Invasion of Normandy

The two-month period during the summer of 1944 that saw 425,000 brave young soldiers lose their lives was also the first major step taken by the Allied Forces toward ending World War II. They halted the spread of one of history's most evil ideologies, and then came back to a country that (frankly) rejected them, but still helped build the industries we know today. In no way did these men and women fight for their own benefit. They fought because it was simply the right thing to do. To quote Tom Brokaw, "It is, I believe, the greatest generation any society has ever produced."

VERDICT: The Invasion of Normandy, because Cliff Lee never killed any Nazis

The Ninety-Five Theses on the Power of Indulgences

Disillusioned by his own beliefs and disgusted by Christianity's growing commercialism, Martin Luther famously posted his complaints about the Roman Catholic Church in Wittenberg, Germany, and infamously overhauled religion in the early 16th century. Some view him as a sinner and an atheist. Many others, however, view him as an inspired realist and the most significant reason why Americans and Europeans enjoy the religious freedoms they do today.

VERDICT: Cliff Lee, because he's the central figure of several religions himself

The Declaration of Independence

Thomas Jefferson wrote this statement of American freedom on behalf of Congress, and it was ratified on July 4, 1776. On that same day, Britain's King George III made a single, iconic entry in his diary: "Nothing important happened today." Facing a young country whose ideology would soon change the course of humanity, helmed by a group of men whose vision now stands rightfully beside the most brilliant and benevolent the world has ever seen, what other reaction could any human being have?

VERDICT: The Declaration of Independence, by a lot

Adam Goldberg's guest spot on Entourage

On a show renowned for its guest stars, Adam Goldberg's turn as the privileged, neurotic, cocaine-addicted Nicky Rubenstein is a hundred cuts above the rest. The son of a major Hollywood producer, Rubenstein comes into a huge trust fund on his 35th birthday and decides to become a producer himself, financing Vince and Eric's Pablo Escobar movie. Goldberg's quick-witted, hilarious take on the character is worth $10 million itself.

VERDICT: Goldberg, because Cliff Lee isn't funny

The Battle of Thermopylae

Approximately 2,300 Spartans, Thespians, Thebans and Helots suffered defeat but stood their ground and helped stop the advancing Persian Empire in one of history's most notable examples of bravery. Cliff Lee has stood his ground this season without much help from the offense, and although he hasn't faced any Persians, I seriously doubt they could catch up to his fastballs.

VERDICT: The Battle of Thermopylae, by a severed nose

The Emancipation Proclamation

The primogenitor of racial equality under the United States government, Abraham Lincoln's bold orders freed slaves in the Confederacy and marked the first real attempt to incorporate African-Americans into the fabric of society. Now if only Major League Baseball would follow its lead.

VERDICT: Cliff Lee, an equal-opportunity ass-kicker

Greek Logic

The study of valid inference is as important as any scientific research, and our society would do well to teach it in schools like we teach biology, geology, etc. The Greeks were the foremost proponents of modern logic, from Plato's philosophical examinations to Aristotle's syllogism to the modality and conditionality of the Stoics. That said, there's no logical way to categorize Cliff Lee's dominance this season.

VERDICT: Logic, by a good amount

Charles Barkley

He wrote a book called "I May Be Wrong, But I Doubt It." He dropped this gem after the Dream Team's game against Angola: "Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back, even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in awhile." His zings on TNT's NBA coverage are priceless. Outspoken, hilarious, self-deprecating and knowledgeable, nobody does it better than Barkley.

VERDICT: Barkley, although I'm anxiously awaiting Cliff Lee's studio debut

Galileo Galilei

From the phases of Venus to the four biggest moons of Jupiter (including LeBron's 2010 destination), Galileo made tons of important discoveries using his telescope, and also championed Copernicanism, or the idea of a heliocentric solar system, more than any other scientist. His contributions to the scientific revolution are immeasurable, and grab your telescopes, kids, because 2009 has been officially declared the International Year of Astronomy.

VERDICT: Cliff Lee, who provides pitcherocentric baseball games

Carrie Underwood

This platinum blonde Oklahoma beauty has the country music chops to match, even if she did come from American Idol. Thank you eternally, Stephen and Carolyn Underwood. No more words are necessary.

VERDICT: Underwood, seriously, just look at her

Jensen Lewis hates America

I don't know how else to say it, Jensen.

At first, I was ready to congratulate you for Sunday's effort. The Tribe defeated the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Adjacent to Irvine Down the Road From Burbank A Stone's Throw From Long Beach 4-3 and became the first team since late June to win a series against them. You worked out of a sticky situation in the ninth, when Gary Matthews Jr. was on third with one out. You picked up the save, your third of the season, and you're looking more and more like a capable closer every day.

Only now I find out that you may not appreciate America's national pasttime as much as I thought. In fact, you may not appreciate America at all!


Don't give me that look! You know EXACTLY what I'm talking about! I read that little quote you gave after the game, about pitching with former Vanderbilt teammate and current Indians starter Jeremy Sowers:

"This was just like college," Lewis said. "Jeremy would start and I would finish. I told him during the anthem, 'I'm going to come in and save it for you.'"

Oh reeeeally? Talking during the national anthem, are we, Jensen? Do you have any respect for our country?


Oh, so you think this is FUNNY, huh? Mmkay! Mmkay! We'll see how funny you think it is when I talk during the fight song for Anderson High School in Cincinnati! Or when I take a leak during the alma mater song for Vanderbilt!


Ooooh no you don't! You can't run off with some pretty little fan THIS time, Jensen! We have to fix your aversion to America IMMEDIATELY!


Good. I'm glad to see you're treating this assignment as enthusiastically as you treated Sunday's game against the Angels.

There are many ways to inject the spirit of America back into a person, and one of the best just so happens to be presenting itself tonight.

Since the Indians have the day off, Jensen, I want you to plop yourself on the couch and flip the channel to ESPN at 8 p.m.

Why?








Get excited.

So it hits

Boy, did you see that Indians-Tigers game Wednesday night? The game Detroit won 14-12 in 13 innings? The one where the Tribe was occasionally amazing but mostly abominable? The thriller that lasted well past 12:30 a.m. Eastern Standard Time? You can barely put games like that into one word. I mean....shit.(1)

All those people at Jacobs Field probably felt like shit(2), especially considering the Tribe had Cliff Lee going on the mound and the '08 Tigers hadn't been able to touch his shit(3). Well, after we built an 8-1 lead through three innings, shit(4) really hit the fan. Our sticks returned to their normally impotent selves, and Lee inexplicably began to pitch like shit(5). His shitty(6) line included six earned runs on 10 hits, which probably left him murmuring in the dugout "at least I've got a cute family n' shit(7)."

Wife and kids look adorable, Cliff looks like he's gotta shit(8)

Not long after General Cliff Lee left the game, our bullpen -- or bullshit(9), if you will -- trotted out its first attempt to babyshit(10) our two-run lead. Sure enough, Jensen Lewis walked the only batter he faced and gave way to Rafael Perez, who pitched the living shit(11) out of his spotless 1 2/3 innings, although he did commit an error that allowed a run to score.

We built our lead back to 11-7 entering the eighth, and Eric Wedge phoned our bullshit(12) and asked, "Who's the shittiest(13) pitcher we've got available?" The answer was Edward Mujica, who grew up in the country of Venezuela and gave us a performance beshitting(14) of our 2008 season.

See, Mujica retired the first two shitty(15) Tigers he faced, and once the lineup turned over, he got dropped like a shit(16) during the Ex-lax World Series. Four hits and four runs later, the game was tied and Mujica's night was over.

Uhhh, Eddie, you've got some shit(17) in your teeth

So Mujica was replaced by Masa Kobayashi, who promptly collected the third out by shitting(18) on Gary Sheffield like he shat(19) on us during the Latino Series. That exchange turned out to be a figshit(20) of our imagination, because Kobayashi promptly loaded the bases in the ninth, and Placido Polanco (who shares his name with a pharmaceutical drug for people who've got the shits(21)) hit a sacrifice fly to give the Tigers a 12-11 lead.

Well it wasn't no thang to Kelly Shoppach, who told a Fernando Rodney offering to eat shit(22) and tied the game to force extra innings. In fact, Shoppach's homer was his fifth extra-base hit of the night, which tied a Major League record and made a bunch of fans in attendance go "SHIT!"(23)

(In fact, I recall that my first post on this shitty(24) blog said that Shoppach was a valuable player who could start for 20 other Major League teams.)

Boy, do I know my shit(25)

Andy Gonzalez, however, couldn't start for 20 other Single-A teams, as evidenced by his shitty(26) at-bat in the bottom of the 10th, when the Tribe loaded the bases and brought up Gonzalez for a pinch-shit(27) strikeout that ended the inning.

After a pair of solid innings from Rafael Betancourt, Wedge again went to his bullshit(28) and chose Juan Rincon, who pitched a scoreless 12th before shitting(29) his pants in the 13th. The shit(30) stains read like this: a single by Carlos Guillen, a single by Curtis Granderson, an RBI groundout by Prescription Polanco, a single by Matt Joyce, and an RBI throwing error by Gonzalez.

Meanwhile, the Indians left the bases juiced in the 12th, which has been a flagshit(31) occurrence this season. Our last chance resulted in Asdrubal Cabrera reaching second before the last two batters were shat(32) down by first-ballot Hall-of-Shitter(33) Casey Fossum.

Fossum rhymes with awesome...holy shit!(34)

As I watched our bullshit(35) surrender lead after lead tonight, I could only think of how fed up I am, seeing as how this kind of shit(36) has become commonplace in 2008. I was ready to unleash my wrath in the blog. This was going to be Creative Differences' World War Shit (37), its shittron(38) bomb, its Hiroshitma(39).

Fortunately, I curtailed my emotions and got my shit(40) together. I'm a fan. This is what I do. I stick around through all the shit(41). If great seasons are like great movies, I've watched a few. If average seasons are like average movies, I've seen plenty. And if bad seasons are like snuff movies, I've even seen one of those.


So here's to the Tribe, no matter how many times your shitty(42) performances force me to shit(43) like the shit-faced(44) shit(45) demon people become after 2 a.m. Taco Bell.

Now let's come out Thursday and make up for this shit(46).

Sayonara Sabathia

Cleveland and Milwaukee have a baseball sync. When snow pounded Cleveland early in the 2007 season, where did the Indians play? Milwaukee. When David S. Ward and the rest of the crew filmed game scenes for Major League, where did they shoot? Milwaukee. When the Braves franchise beat us in the 1995 World Series, what former city was courteous enough to let someone else be that asshole? Milwaukee.

There are good vibes with this deal, I can feel it. Now that we're clear on the terms of the Sabathia trade, here's a look at our new prospects.

Matt Laporta, OF
6-2, 210, R/R, 23 years old

LaPorta is the centerpiece of this deal. The Brewers drafted him No. 7 overall last year, and he's a fast-track player who might already be in Triple-A if Prince Fielder's presence hadn't forced him to the outfield. In a loaded Huntsville lineup, LaPorta has stood out this season with 20 homers, 23 doubles and 66 RBIs. I haven't checked the stats, but sans Grady Sizemore, that probably equals the production of the entire Indians roster.

The best: Has a chance to be the next Thome, Manny or Albert Belle

The worst: So did Russell Branyan

Zach Jackson, P
6-2, 220, L/L, 25 years old

The explanation for Jackson's inclusion is "to provide the Indians with some starting depth at Buffalo, where the rotation has worn thin because of injuries and callups." He made his Major League debut two summers ago, and has pitched in relief for the Brewers a few times. Jackson has an ERA of 7.85 with Triple-A Nashville this season, so he should hit it off with Tom Mastny.

The best: A reliable middle reliever

The worst: Nobody will take him in a trade

Rob Bryson, P
6-1, 200, R/R, 20 years old

Bryson's got a great fastball, a killer slider and the complete inability to throw any other pitch. He's much better against righties than lefties. His strikeout rate at age 20 in Class A is what you'd expect from a 24-year-old making their Major League debut. He doesn't walk anyone. He induces flyballs in his sleep. And Masa Kobayashi is 34 years old.

The best: CLOSER CLOSER CLOSER

The worst: Blows his arm out and loses his power

Taylor Green, 3B
5-10, 180, L/R, 21 years old

The last component is the "player to be named later", but the Tribe said it would be either Green or Huntsville centerfielder Michael Brantley, whose agent refuted the claim in Brantley's official blog the other day. (Even Rob Oller could do this math.) Green has 10 homers and 54 RBIs at Class A Brevard County, and he's the Brewers' reigning Minor League Player of the Year, which is saying something in this crop.

The best: Fills a huge need at second or third base

The worst: Andy Marté 2.0

Off the Reservation

As someone who cares a hell of a lot more about the Cleveland Indians than you do, I've been disgusted with our gut-wrenching "play" lately. As I write this, the Tribe has now lost six games in a row, and this loyal Wahoo has seen enough. The time has come to air out my dirty teepee and take a definitive stance on all the significant issues facing both the organization and Tribe fans everywhere.

State of the Indians Address

C.C. Sabathia:

You claim you love it here. You claim you want to be an Indian as long as possible. Yet instead of accepting a four-year, $72 million extension before spring training, you decided to "rule out" talks until after the season. We're not stupid, Carston Charles. Don't tell us you're munching nutribars at the gym when you're slamming cookies in the kitchen. If what you say about the Indians is true, you would have agreed to an extension before the season and shed the pressure that sautéed your first few starts (and probably pushed your playing weight past 300 pounds).

You've been a great leader for our staff the past few seasons, and by all accounts, you're a nice guy. But since you clearly want the kind of long-term deal only three or four clubs can offer, we'll do our buddies in Milwaukee a solid and provide a 1-2 punch of Ben Sheets and C.C. Sabathia in exchange for third base demigod Taylor Green and a cache of top Huntsville prospects, including the corner outfielder/slugger we need in Matt LaPorta.

Besides, the last time we traded a hefty ace, we got a package that included Grady Sizemore and Cliff Lee. Toodles!

Not available in MLB '07 playoff mode

Deplorable offense:

Our putrid .247 batting average is only eight points from the cellar of Major League Baseball. As of July 5, 2008, we are below the American League average in no less than eight major categories. You know how Tom Hanks is a big Indians fan? Well I'll bet the lineup of Forrest Gump, Andrew Beckett, Allen Bauer, Scott Turner, John H. Miller, Sam Baldwin, Jim Lovell, Paul Edgecomb and Woody could hit better than the Tribe right now.

This is an unsettling trend, seeing as how we won 102 games last year with an OK offense that defined the term "timely hitting." In 2005 and 2006, we were near the top of the league in runs scored and batting average, and while we can trade for better bats, our farm system is way too good for the offense to hibernate like this.

In 2005, our assault on Chicago's 15-game lead began with the firing of hitting coach Eddie Murray. There's no way this team can do the same, but firing Derek Shelton is a nice start.

Bullpen:

Remember when I mentioned Woody from Toy Story? There's a great line in that movie where Mr. Potato Head asks, "Did you all take stupid pills this morning?" My question to Rafael Betancourt, Jensen Lewis, Rafael Perez and Joe Borowski: Did you all take pitch-like-shit pills in the offseason?

There's no clear explanation why the four key figures of our dominant 2007 bullpen have been awful in 2008. Righty Raffy and Lefty Raffy are hanging fastballs out to dry, Lewis is pitching his way to Buffalo and JoeBo just became the first significant casualty of our haphazard underachieving. Before the season, people felt more confident in us than fellow division favorite Detroit because we had "more options" when it came to pitching. Well, soon-to-be closer Masa Kobayashi is the only reliever who's relieved diddly squat, and nobody else is stepping up.

My solution? Let the Raffys and Lewis pitch out the season, because what they gain from toughing it out will make them stronger, and all three figure into our future plans.

Cliff Lee:

Things weren't so hot for Clifton Phifer a year ago. He was sent down to the minors with a 5-8 record because he had no control and a surly attitude. Despite winning 18 games in 2005, the question remained if he'd ever pitch for us again.

Now, there's no doubt Lee should be starting for the American League in the All-Star Game. He's 11-1 with 93 strikeouts, 17 walks and an ERA just below Lindsay Lohan's BAC. Furthermore, he's started 16 games and could realistically be 15-1, because the bullpen flat-out wasted four of his starts (and because the Reds roughed him up in his one loss).

Cliff Lee has been a stud, and if he doesn't start the All-Star Game, it's a sham. After the season, we'll have to work on keeping him in Cleveland past 2009.

Too bad he never cries

Absent friends:

I'm talking about the baseball equivalent of role-players that aren't producing. Paul Byrd won 15 games as our fourth starter last year, and now that he can't use HGH, he won't win five. Asdrubal Cabrera came out of nowhere in 2007 to provide a great glove at second base and a reliable bat in the No. 2 spot. When he went down to Buffalo a month ago, his average was a plebeian .184, but he's been hitting .434 since then, and he can always brag to mommy about the unassisted triple play.

Ryan Garko, you need start eating BP for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Franklin Gutierrez, for a five-tool player, you sure can't hit for average or power. Ben Francisco, it's time to do more than smack meaningless home runs every once in awhile. Andy Marte, you can't hit major league pitching, so the experiment is over. Casey Blake...well, if we acquire Green, I hope we can re-sign you again and move you to first.

Injuries:

I didn't mention it earlier because frankly, it's no excuse. But when your No. 3 hitter, No. 4 hitter, No. 2 starter and No. 3 starter ALL go down in the span of a month, it's not easy to recover.

True, Victor Martinez and Travis Hafner were struggling at the plate when they got hurt. Jake Westbrook has struggled with injuries since winning 44 games from 2004-2006, and Fausto Carmona was struggling to not break batters' wrists with those nasty sinkers.

Organizations have to reload, though, especially intelligent ones like Cleveland that have a reputation for developing talent and spending smartly. So far in 2008, we haven't been able to overcome injury, and while it's not excusable, it is somewhat understandable.

Rob Oller:

This columnist for The Columbus Dispatch believes the Indians have reverted back to the crappy days, circa 1960-1993. Listen, Robbie, I admit the first three years of the Mark Shapiro era were pretty lean, but this is a team with plenty of talent locked up for awhile and a solid farm system. And if you equate winning an average of 82 games a year with finishing second-to-last or dead last in 33 of 34 seasons, your counting abilities are on par with FLS.

No more time will be spent on this dingleberry.

2 + 2 = 657!

Eric Wedge:

Finally, the manager is not on the chopping block. I don't care how badly the Indians have failed to live up to expectations. They certainly seem to lack motivation at times, but Wedge can't fix all that's gone wrong. Besides, it's only been eight months since he was named AL Manager of the Year, so firing him would set a piss-poor precedent.

Wedge is tough as nails, has a brain for baseball, and isn't afraid to make decisions. Regardless of the superior skill in MLB these days, guts still go a long way, and Wedge has them in spades.



On that note, I'll bring this State of the Indians Address to a close. I'm glad we're once again good enough to be livid with years like this. Now it's time to start competing.