Carter: Quiet please, quiet please.
Chatter continues.
Carter: Quiet please!
Chatter still continues.
Carter: HOLY SHIT THE CAVS SIGNED BRETT FAVRE
Everybody shuts up and pays attention.
Carter: LeBron is here today to clear up the confusion about LeBron's future. You in the media have been speculating for some time that LeBron will sign with a New York team in the summer of 2010, when LeBron is eligible for free agency. As of yesterday, you reported that LeBron said LeBron would play for a European team for a salary of $50 million a year. Actually, you misheard LeBron. LeBron's already verbally agreed to sign with another team, and to give you the full details and answer a few of your questions, here's LeBron himself. LeBron!
Carter exits stage right. Lights go down in the room.
ALLOW ME TO RE-IN-TRO-DUCE MY-SELF
MY NAME IS
HOV
H TO THE O-V
I USED TO MOVE SNOW-FLAKES BY THE O-Z
I GUESS EVEN BACK THEN YOU CAN CALL ME
C-E-O OF THE R-O-C
HOV
All the reporters start talking at once, trying to lob their questions. Patrick McManamon of the Akron Beacon-Journal is the first to be heard clearly.
McManamon: LeBron, what have you decided to do?
LeBron: I've decided to play two more seasons with the Cavaliers, then opt out of my contract.
McManamon: Where will you go?
LeBron: Well, I tried to make my, uh, intentions known yesterday, but I'll make them clear right now. In the summer of 2010, I plan on signing with the Europa Urinators.
McManamon: Who?
LeBron: You know, Europa. The moon of Jupiter. They got a good team right now that's in search of a leader. That's what I meant to say yesterday, I'm open to signing with a Europan team, not a European team.
McManamon: Is there life on Europa?
LeBron: Yeah. They got an algae with a great post-up game, a trilobite who runs the point and some solid fungus off the bench.
Mary Schmitt Boyer of the Cleveland Plain Dealer jumps in.
Boyer: What other destinations had you considered?
LeBron: Well, I got offers from pretty much every moon in the solar system. The Phobos Friars put together a good offer, and so did the Oberon Obie Trices. The Enceladus Cavaliers offered me $40 million a year, pitching the name recognition. I even got a non-money sheet from the Ganymede Gunga-galungas, who wanted to pay me in total consciousness. Yeah, they weren't real happy when I agreed to sign with their Jovian rivals.
ESPN's Stephen A. Smith joins the conversation.
Smith: AH'M Stephen A. SMITH.
LeBron: That's not a question.
Smith: AH JUST WAN-TED YOU TA KNOW.
LeBron: .....
Smith: Haw do ya feel about BLACK POWAH
Smith: JUST checkin'.
LeBron: Don't ever talk to me again.
Bob Finnan of The Lake County News-Herald joins the fray.
Finnan: LeBron, why did you decide to leave the Cavaliers?
LeBron: Well, I feel that by the time I leave, I'll have given the franchise seven years of everything I have. That's all I ask of myself, and that's all they can ask of me.
Finnan: Was it any specific move the Cavs made, or didn't make?
LeBron: I mean, you look at certain trades that were made, certain signings that were made. I just go out there, play hard, sacrifice and trust my teammates.
Finnan: And you can trust primordial organisms more than your current teammates?
LeBron: I don't know, but they gotta be better shooters than Larry Hughes.
McManamon jumps back in.
McManamon: LeBron, you've always said you wanted to be a "global icon." Clearly, this is a step up.
LeBron: Absolutely, it is. I think of myself as the first truly universal superstar. I want to soak the universe with my aura, you know, saturate them with my image. I want to douse them with my skills, and I can do that as a Urinator.
ESPN NBA insider and former Cavs beat writer Chris Broussard speaks up.
Broussard: How do you think the fans in Cleveland will respond?
LeBron: It's kinda like The Tonight Show. Jay Leno said a couple years back that he was leaving in 2009, and letting Conan O'Brien take over. I'm leaving in a couple years, and letting Tarence Kinsey take over.
The whole rooms laughs.
LeBron: Haha. No seriously, why the fuck did we sign him?
Broussard: What does this mean in terms of your participation in the Intergalactic Games? Will you still play for Team Earth?
LeBron: I'm gonna play for Team USA through the Olympics, then focus on winning a title in Cleveland. After that, my focus will shift to winning with the Urinators, but I'll still play for Team Earth. I'll always be a Earthling.
Broussard: What championship does Europa play for?
Broussard: Huh?
LeBron: Stop thinking about this reasonably.
Momentary silence, broken by an unidentified reporter wearing sunglasses and a hippie wig.
Reporter: LeBron, do you think that zero gravity will help your AWFUL jump-shot?
LeBron: Excuse me?
Reporter: You are the GREATEST driver of the basketball we have EVER seen.
LeBron: And?
Reporter: You NEED to improve your outside shot, PRINCE James!
LeBron: Who are you?
The reporter rips off his wig and sunglasses...
LeBron: Skip Bayless! Man, you trippin'.
Skip: Why? Because I speak the TRUTH about you, PRINCE James?!
LeBron: You don't speak nothin' but controversy. Get him out of here.
Security moves on the increasingly belligerent Bayless.
Skip: You can't fool us all, PRINCE James! I'm here to expose the TRUTH about YOU!
Bayless keeps screaming as security drags him out. A horde of Cavs fans beats him with free posters from Sasha Pavlovic Night.
Skip: LeBron James is overrated! T.O. stands for Team Obliterator! Tiger Woods is the greatest frontrunner in history! AARON RODGERS DOESN'T DESERVE OUR SYMPATHYYYYYYYYY...
Carter rushes back out to the podium and nudges LeBron toward the lockerroom.
Carter: Um, given the volatile nature of this announcement, LeBron has decided to end LeBron's press conference. LeBron will make further comments on LeBron's situation at a later date. Thank you. LeBron.
The reporters start yammering last-ditch questions. Lights go down, and an image is projected onto the wall behind the podium.
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