Reminder

The Pirates are 7-6. Fuck yeah.

End transmission.

Pirates Prospect's Wife a Threat to Steal at Any Time

As is typical with the Pirates, they're making news for all the wrong reasons, even if the player mentioned did absolutely nothing wrong and could reasonably be assumed to have no knowledge whatsoever of what took place.

Jose Tabata, an outfielder acquired from the Yankees last summer as part of the Xavier Nady deal, and one of the top 3 prospects in the system, has a crazy wife, apparently. She's also 43. Forty-three, as in more than twice his age (He's 20). She's accused of generally being one crazy bitch, and trying to steal a baby.

Allegedly, the lovely Mrs. Tabata, Amalia Tabata Pereira, of Crazyville, pop. 1, posed as an immigration official and threatened the two-month old infant's mother with deportation, before offering to help her dodge the authorities. She did, however, say she had to take the baby as part of the plan.

Mrs. Tabata has a nice rap sheet that includes fraud and theft convictions (ambitious!) and has no listed hometown because her large amount of aliases makes it impossible to track everything down.

Jose Tabata is thriving for the Pirates this spring training. His strong play, coupled with good spring showings by Pedro Alvarez and Andrew McCutchen, has made Pirates fans borderline optimistic about the team in the years ahead. The only question about Tabata has been his maturity, which essentially is the reason he got put on the trading block by the Yankees. He'd been a model citizen during his time with the Pirates, but methinks maybe this wife of his was the source of all the craziness. Time to cut her loose, Jose, this is a career with the Pirates that's on the line, not just any shitty major league team.

Pittsburgh Pie-Rats Position Preview: First Base

The first of many exercises in self-flagellation, this is your look at the first basemen that will attempt to lead the Pittsburgh Pirates to the promised land that is 81-81. Like virtually every other position on the Pirates, first base is woefully manned. In theory, the Bucs have a competent starter in Adam LaRoche, but then again, in theory I'm a prestigious venture capitalist with a fleet of gold-plated Lamborghinis and a gaggle of specially bred Chinese fighting geese.

Typical

The Pirates don't really have anyone behind LaRoche. This actually isn't a huge problem from June 1 onward, as LaRoche straps on his spandex tights and mask that grant him powers of competency. April and May are a different story. You look at LaRoche’s stats overall and you see a guy hitting around .270 or .275, giving you about 22-25 homers, and knocking in 80-90 runs. You’d look at that and think, “Oh, this guy’s not so bad, he’s a decent first baseman.”

Wrong.

In April and May I’d rather have AIDS playing first base than Adam LaRoche. He hits in the low .100s with pretty much no power during these months. What’s worse, he usually doesn’t even make contact, and if he manages to not strike out, he rolls over a grounder to first base. The coaches say it’s all mental, and that they expect him to break through in the early season sooner or later. I say, “BULLSHIT.” Adam LaRoche is a major-league baseball player, and even resembles one for four months of the year, so I’m going to go ahead and remove “mental hurdles” as a possible cause of him being worse than a blind four-year-old for the other two months.

See me bitching like I just did? That’s the Pirates first base situation. What does it say about them that they don’t even have another player worth mentioning at this position?

Sigh.

I Hate My LIfe, or the Pittsburgh Pirates Pitchers and Catchers Preview

Unlike MomJeans, who has legitimate reason to be excited about his team, which is at least perpetually interesting and perenially relevant, if not championship material every year, I'm stuck with the Pirates. Let's dive right into this pit of endless despair and look at pitchers and catchers.

(I've also come up with this handy color-coding system to give you an even better impression of where this bunch stands.)

Red--Good player, lot of potential.
Green--Guy that could have a comeback year, or could backslide again. Easily the most crucial color.
Blue--Lingering like a stale fart.
Yellow--I wouldn't trust him with my toast, let alone my life.
Brown--Dead weight.
Orange--I know nothing about this guy.

Catchers:

Ryan Doumit--Nickname used to be "No-mitt." Thankfully, he's gotten better in that department, and he can flat out rake from both sides, especially the left, which is convenient given PNC Park's short porch in right. If he stays healthy, which is a big fat "if," he could go .310-30-100. One of the few bright spots, and possibly the only guy I'll write this much about.

Robinzon Diaz--Honest to God, there's like 6 other guys listed as catchers on the roster, including Evan Meek, one of the Pirates' worst ideas ever, but Diaz gets the nod because he has a number assigned to him. Like I said, let's hope Doumit stays healthy.

Starting Pitchers:

Paul Maholm--Next to Doumit and outfielder Nate McLouth, he might be the only positive story on this team. Maholm pitched way better than his record would suggest last year, and was clearly established as the Pirates' ace by the end of the year. He's a crafty lefty and appears to have the mental makeup of something other than a five-year old.

Ian Snell--Was "quietly" bumped up into virtual-lock status for the rotation this year. I'm a fan of this only because the guy is a bulldog competitor who wants to win in the worst way AND has filthy stuff. Still, he needs to learn that most major league hitters won't be overpowered by a 94-mph fastball from a righty, and the ones that would be happen to play on his team.

Zach Duke--During his rookie season he went approximately 23-1 with a 1.75 ERA. Sadly, for a long time that year, my ERA estimation was pretty close to accurate. Since, he's fallen off the wagon, and into a never-ending box of jelly donuts. Pitched decently at times last year, and also "quietly" moved into near-lock status for the rotation, but he damn sure doesn't deserve it.

Phil Dumatrait--Like all Pirates pitchers, he hurt his arm last year and is still recovering. Might be a long-relief guy this year, but in a perfect world, he'd be a fourth or fifth starter. Has surprisingly decent stuff and seems to know how to pitch.

Ross Ohlendorf, Jeff Karstens, Tom Gorzelanny--Again, if all were right and good in Bradenton, Gorzo would destroy the other two and get the fifth spot. He was in the Paul Maholm slot going into last year, and just sucked. I mean, he fucking SUCKED. Apparently his conditioning program in the off-season really impressed the coaches, but he'll need to have taken an introduction to pitching program to really be a factor this year.

Relief Pitchers:

Sean Burnett--Lefty long-relief/sometime specialist guy who wants the ball and believes in himself. The Pirates need more guys with his fire, and less guys with his propensity for pouring gallons of gasoline on smoldering embers.

John Grabow--Very effective situational lefty, all-around solid pitcher, and a pretty good dude. Naturally, the Pirates are looking to deal him.

Tyler Yates--Righty version of Grabow, though not nearly as good. Prone to bouts of wildness. Should be on the trading block, but that would make too much sense. Nevertheless, he could be worse.

Craig Hansen--Awful, awful, awful. A 6'5" pile of suck. Amusingly enough, I'm pretty sure my ex-girlfriend was banging him when she lived in Boston. This alone would be enough to earn him a ticket to low Single A ball forever, but he should find his way there on merit anyway.

Romulo Sanchez--Latin spice version of Hansen, with the caveat that he could actually become good. Stay tuned.

Matt Capps--The Tyler Hansbrough of closers. Remarkably hittable, yet usually gets the job done, albeit in frightening fashion. When he blows up though, watch your house if it's within 3 miles of the field, there might be a ball in the front lawn with burn marks on it.

Pitching Coach:

Joe Kerrigan--Finally, someone with name recognition. I'm praying this guy can eke every last ounce of talent out of these guys, as it is the only chance the Pirates have of making it to the promised land that is 81-81, or, gasp! 82-80.

Coming up whenever DJMJ and I feel like it: Position players for both teams.

Bye-bye, Shit Bag

There are few athletes in the world, maybe none, that I despise more than Ronny Paulino. That is why I am very pleased to announce, after first taking two days to celebrate nonstop, that Ronny Paulino is no longer a member of the Pittsburgh Pirates. Thanks to a genius trade, he is now the Phillies' problem, and oh, what a problem he is. (Oh, by the way Phillies fans, a sack of used baseballs would have been a fair price for this pile of excrement, you didn't have to give us an actual player.)

You would think that a professional baseball player, even a minor league guy, would know one of the golden rules of hitting: Don't step in the bucket. As in, don't step towards third base if you're a right-handed hitter, or towards first base if you're a lefty. You would also think that a major league player wouldn't be a fat and utterly worthless sack lymph and grease. Ronny Paulino was both ignorant of this golden rule and a fat sack of lymph and grease. He also might have been the single laziest player in Major League Baseball. I can't honestly remember him running hard on any ball he put in play. He could ground into a double play on a hard-hit ball to the outfield, if the fielder was ambitious enough. I find it miraculous that he didn't get thrown out at least once by a rocket-armed right fielder on a grounder through the hole.

Paulino was arrogant, stupid, wanted a trade, and essentially worthless. He was almost as bad as Derek Bell, which is staggering to say, but quite true. If I never ever hear anything about Ronny Paulino again, it will be a great day in the neighborhood. Adios, motherfucker, you won't be missed.

Pirates Outsource Their Pitching Needs

Today's news to be depressed about comes from your Pittsburgh Pirates. The Bucs, in their quest to creatively mine for talent to compete with bigger spending teams, have signed two pitchers from India. Please re-read that sentence and refrain from moving out onto a ledge. The story has already been reported by several other blogs, including Walkoff Walk, Deadspin, Mondesi's House, and also the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. Here's some fun nuggets about Rinku Singh and Dinesh Kumar Patel, the first-ever Indian athletes to sign pro sports contracts outside the country.

--They've been playing baseball for about six months
--When they came to the U.S. for training they did not know how to play catch
--They were the winner and runner up, respectively, in a talent contest
--They're from fucking India
--Did I mention they're from India

Now, all senseless bashing aside, if it turns out that these guys can pitch and can help my Buccos, I don't care if they're from Antarctica. It just seems to me that if no one else was really mining India for talent, then the Pirates might not be on to something here. Even GM Neal Huntington admitted as much, remarking that in 25 years, the two players might be seen as a blip on the radar or as pioneers. Somehow, I'm willing to bet the latter.

The signing of Singh and Patel (who, with his low 90s fastball and smallish build, should remind Pirates fans of an Indian Ian Snell) adds to the list of players the Pirates have signed that are from odd locales, to say the least. They've also signed Mpho Ngoepe, an 18-year-old South African shortstop, and Christopher Aure, a pitcher from North Pole High School in Alaska. This is not encouraging.

There's about a 1% chance that the Pirates struck gold here. And in this case, one of these guys making the majors in under 4 years would qualify as striking gold. So, while the Yankees and other big market teams are looking to improve by throwing the GNP of Lichtenstein at C.C. Sabathia, the Pirates are apparently scouting players by watching Office Space and Harold and Kumar.

Sit by and Watchmen Fleece Us

The fans will look up and shout, "Please make a fucking trade that returns more than pennies on the dollar when it involves our most desirable bargaining chip," and I'll whisper, "No."