Creative Differences Tells You How the World Series Will Go

Congratulations to the Philadelphia Phillies of New Jersey. You're now the National League Champions after beating Manny Ramirez and the Chula Vista Little League All-Stars in five games. The Fall Classic is upon you. I know some Phillie fans are dying to know how the series will turn out, and so I decided to go ahead and predict each game before the ALCS is over, because we know that the opponent isn't important, it's all Phils.

Live from Tampa Bay or Boston, here's Joe Buck and Tim McCarver with the call:

Buck: Welcome to Game 1 of the 2008 World Series between the Tampa Bay Rays/Boston Red Sox and the Philadelphia Phillies. You know Tim, the Phillies really looked impressive in defeating the Long Beach Pony League team to get here, and they've got to be feeling pretty good about themselves going into this series, even though they won't have home field advantage, they look to be very competitive here.

McCarver: You're right Joe, these guys will look to be very competitive and compete at the sport of baseball. Baseball is the sport we're playing here, and as long as that dirty no-good Dominican Manny Ramirez isn't involved, I'm happy.

Buck: I think we can all agree on that one, Tim.

(McCarver's throat is suddenly slashed by Deion Sanders, and his corpse is then defecated on by Ramirez and several other players he has chastised needlessly. McCarver is summarily replaced by Gus Johnson, playing out of position on color commentary.)

Johnson: The Phillies, The Rays/Red Sox--THIS IS BASEBALL!

Buck: So here we are, Phillies about to bat, and boy you can almost, wait, yes, you can in fact hear the goons from South Philly screaming and yelling obscenities from here. How nice of them. I'm told that Philadelphia made today an official Phillies holiday, and gave everyone in the city the day off from work. Since this only affected about 500 people, it was like any other day.

(Fast forward to the ninth inning)

Johnson: I DON'T KNOW JOE, I'M REALLY SURPRISED THAT THE PHILLIES HAVE DOMINATED COMPLETELY! THIS IS INCREDIBLE, HEART-RENDING STUFF. THE PHILLIES 13, THE RAYS/RED SOX 2! WHAT DRAMA, WHAT ACTION! CBS!!

Buck: We're on Fox, Gus.

Johnson: CBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Buck: So that ends game 1, and the Phillies have to be happy to have jumped all over the Rays/Red Sox, winning 13 to 2. We'll be back here tomorrow night, as the Phillies send Brett "Domestic Violence" Myers to the mound. I will conveniently neglect to mention that factoid about him tomorrow, because he is white and only a mediocre pitcher.

Meanwhile, in Philadelphia, three stores were looted and burned, and four people were beaten to death on a street corner. Questioned by police as to why they would act in such a way after a win in the first game, the men said, "What game?" I'm Joe Buck, see you tomorrow.

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Next Day
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Buck: Well, I'm not quite sure I believe what we're seeing here, but the Phillies have once again jumped all over the Rays/Red Sox and are taking a 16 to 1 lead into the bottom of the ninth.

Johnson: THIS IS INCREDIBLE! THE TENSION IN THIS BUILDING IS PALPABLE RIGHT NOW! CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW THESE PLAYERS MUST BE FEELING?!?! OH MY!

Buck: And that's the third out, Phillies take game 2 by a score of 16 to 1, and the series will shift back to Philadelphia for Friday. I think I speak for everyone that will be in Philly as a visitor when I say that I have in fact updated my will, thanks for asking.

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Friday
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Buck: Here we are in Philadelphia, for game 3, as the Phillies send Jamie Moyer to the hill to try and take a commanding 3-0 lead over the Rays/Red Sox. I would like everyone to know that people have been so kind to us since we arrived here, probably because we're actually staying in Pittsburgh for the games. Also, I killed three hookers in a ritual sacrifice on our way in, and some fans saw it and were quite pleased.

Also fans, tonight is Sulfuric Acid and Meat Hooks Night at the ballpark, and so all fans have been outfitted to maim. We've already been apprised of 135 deaths before the first pitch, and that just accounts for the children's-only play area here. No confirmation on the rumor that the paramedics were booed as they rushed around, attempting to save lives.

Johnson: HEART-STOPPING, PULSE-POUNDING HOMICIDE GOING ON IN THE STANDS RIGHT NOW JOE! I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS ACTION THAT I AM SEEING! HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS IN YOUR LIFE? THIS IS JUST INCREDIBLE, WALL-TO-WALL ACTION HERE! LOOK AT THAT FAN, HE JUST STABBED MY MOTHER! HEART-RENDING! CBS!!!!

Buck: Well, it's the top of the ninth, folks, and once again, we've got a very anti-climactic finish, as the Phillies are ahead, 22-0. There's the final out, and the Phillies are one win away from a World Series title and an end to Philadelphia's professional sports title drought, at 28 years and still technically counting. The Phillies have outscored the Rays/Red Sox 51-3 so far in the first three games of the series. Tomorrow they'll send Cole Hamels to the mound to try to finish the job. Also fans, a special bonus tonight, I'm hearing right now that governor Ed Rendell has been shot and killed by delirious fans outside of the park. These Philly fans, really ramping up for a championship. We'll see you here, tomorrow night.

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Saturday
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Buck: Well, we're here at Citizens Bank park, and things are looking good for the Phillies. Top of the ninth, 2 outs, nobody on, Phillies up 3-0, and--wait, what's this, yes folks, I don't believe what I'm seeing, but it appears that Charlie Manuel is going to the bullpen and bringing in the lefty--it's Mitch Williams! Apparently, he's here to exorcise some demons.

Johnson: (Dies from excitement)

Buck: The love affair with Williams might be wearing off, fans, as he has walked the bases loaded on twelve pitches and now faces the cleanup spot. The catcher is begging Williams to just throw a strike, and here's the wind and the pitch--and that ball is CRUSHED to left. Grand Slam, Phillies trail 4-3.

...

Buck: And with that, the Phillies go down 4-3 as they Rays/Red Sox get a 1-2-3 ninth. We'll be back here tomorrow for game 5, as the Phillies try to close out the series again. Already I can see some charming little fires being set in small corners of the park.

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Sunday
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Buck: Well, folks, the impossible has happened again--the Phillies have blown a 12-run ninth inning lead, and now trail the Rays/Red Sox 13-12, with two outs in the bottom of the ninth. There's a man on first, and Ryan Howard is at the dish.

There's a long fly ball to left, this one could go, it's a, it's a, it's an out. (Left fielder for the Rays/Red Sox) makes a great play, going over the wall to take away a home run, and this series is headed back to Tampa/Boston. I'll be there with you folks, assuming this nice man with the straight razor pressed against my carotid artery takes his medication like I've asked him to.

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Tuesday
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Buck: Welcome back to the Fall Classic on Fox, brought to you by Bennie Smith of West Philadelphia, a bail bondsman who is now the world's richest man. Bennie's Bail Bonds, when you've just got to commit that one last assault.

Buck: Fans, it's been a wacky series, and as we sit here in the bottom of the ninth, I feel safe saying things are all over. It's 32-0 Phillies, with two outs.

(3 hours later)

Buck: Well folks, what a shocker. The Rays/Red Sox have scored 33 runs after 2 outs, and have forced a seventh game. In related news, I've just been informed that the city of Philadelphia has been placed under martial law by it's new mayor, a convicted felon named "Cement", who just today broke out of prison and killed the entire city government...we'll see you back here, for game 7.

On Fox.

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Wednesday
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Buck: Friends, I won't even mince words. I've never seen anything quite like this. In a shocking turn of events, the Phillies have been beaten up from moment one tonight, and are trailing 232-1 here in the top of the ninth. Pat Burrell is up, there's two outs, and fans, you won't believe this, but in the time it took me to say that sentence, Burrell struck out on three pitches. The Rays/Red Sox are your 2008 World Series Champs.

Buck: Let's cut now to a live feed from Philadelphia, where Chris Myers is standing by.

Myers: Well Joe, I ha--

Myers is decapitated by Boise State running back Ian Johnson.

Ian Johnson: That's for ruining my marriage proposal, dick.

Buck: Thanks Chris, and thanks Ian, for doing something we should have done long ago. For all of us at Fox, I'm Joe Buck. Thanks for watching, and honey, I love you and the ki--.

And SCENE

Looks like it's wait til next year, Philly. At least you have your beautiful city to think about and see every morning.

Again? Another "Rivalry" Game? Ah Fuck

Well, I suppose I've got to do this all over again. Yes, by "this" I mean, "Get up for another 'rivalry' game against a team I really couldn't give two and a half shits about."

This week, the Pittsburgh Steelers travel the other direction on the turnpike (Fly Southwest) to face the Philadelphia Eagles of Greater New Jersey. Already, I've gotten e-mails from former co-workers in Philadelphia with such clever subject lines like, "F the Steelers" and "fuck the steelers". Needless to say, with putdowns like that, my self-esteem has been taking quite the beating. Just like last week's soiree in Cleveland, I find myself having trouble taking this game seriously and treating it with appropriate levels of animosity and froth.

Certainly, it's a big game for the Steelers. Every game in the NFL is big. Sure, it's not as big of a game as it would be if they were 0-2 (Hi Cleveland!) or 1-1 (You too, Philly!), but it's a big game nonetheless. Much has been made by people who don't have anything better to do, namely some of my colleagues, that the Steelers haven't won in Philly since roughly the Kennedy administration. This is amazing, and entirely pertinent to this week's contest, as most of the players on both sides were in diapers the last time the Steelers played a regular-season game in the 216. At least, that's probably true. I didn't actually bother to do any research to back that general claim. Know why? I don't care about this game very much.

If the Steelers lose, so what? I put up with a few asinine statements by Philly people for a few days, Brother Love posts something on this blog, 10 people read it, I go on with my life, etc. If the Steelers win, the same thing applies. I don't write about it, because, whoop dee fucking doo, the Steelers are 3-0 and in first place, and really I've got much better things to do with that knowledge than taunt the less fortunate. And believe me, Philly and its citizens are less fortunate. I've never been to a more depressing place on earth (for all you taking notes, this is in fact the part of the post where I begin to bash Philly, but I try to make it subtle and unexpected so that, by the time I'm talking about how residents of Levittown and surrounding communities fuck sheep, you're awfully surprised to see something so profane in such an otherwise lukewarm article).

It's not just that Philly is bordered on one side by a vast, barren wasteland, known to the locals as "New Jersey", it's that it's bordered on the south side and west side by two even more dire places--Delaware (gasp) and suburban eastern Pennsylvania, two places where hope goes to die, or at least have 94% of the life choked out of it. The real thing that sets Philadelphia apart from other shit holes of the country is the attitude adopted by its people, also known as "Philadelphians".

Don't worry kids, Pennsauken's right over that next rise!

The Philadelphian is a pitiable wretch. In most cases, the average Philadelphian will attempt to dodge the actual nature of their relationship to the city, preferring to say, "Oh, I'm from outside of Philly." This phrase, of course, is akin to hearing a woman say, "Oh, I haven't had an outbreak in months." If they're from "outside Philly", they'd damn well better be from Harrisburg, or else I don't want to know them. I wouldn't admit where I was actually from, either, if my town was mainly known for its epic sports failures, propensity for mass aggravated assault, murders, and general proximity to New Jersey.

Just another mayor in waiting

It's easy to feel sorry for Philadelphia, a city that, despite having some damn good food, interesting cultural and historical landmarks, and a few very scenic places, will always be known for chalk outlines, miserable failure, idiot drivers, Angelo Cataldi (someone please shoot this man, along with the rest of the WIP staff), and some fat fuck named "El Wingador", whose picture I won't post, because people with eyes read this blog, and I want to be considerate to them. Yes, it's easy to feel sorry, but I won't, since I don't live there anymore, and have no intention of ever going back, so help me god.

Philly is an armpit, a rectum, a place that should rightfully be walled off and slowly starved to death. It is a stain on America, just like the rest of the eastern seaboard.

Other than that, it's great!

Steelers, 34-21