Hate For Real

I hate you, Kobe Bryant. Most people do. McDonald's and Sprite hate you, ostensibly because they hate rape. I hate you for making a commercial telling people to hate you for how hard you work to excel on the basketball court, seemingly oblivious to the fact that most people hate you because you're at best, an adulterous pansy who tried to buy back his wife, and at worst, a rapist. Let's put aside the fact that you're about the worst teammate in the history of organized sports, and an egomaniac of the first order. Let's just focus on the fact that you're a walking, breathing sack of syphilis, who would kill someone if you thought it would get you a ring without Shaq around.

Kobe, my hope for you is that you contract Ebola and herpes at the same time. I hope that the herpes, in a medical first, somehow prevents the Ebola from killing you while at the same time subjecting you to all its side effects. Then I hope you get tied to two posts while your teammates teach you how to pass by bouncing basketballs off of your balls for 3 hours. Finally, I hope you choose to slink away to your own private island, complete with dozens of mirrors, so you can have sex with yourself while you watch in a mirror, only to be interrupted by three masked men who give you an enema of wet cement. Please die, and get out of my sporting world.

(ps: The fact that you're the most popular athlete in China is NOT a good thing. Though I'm sure you've used your clout to bag a few of those female gymnasts, as they seem to be just about the right age for you.)