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When James Harrison returned his interception 100 yards for a touchdown right before halftime, it was clear to me that somewhere along the line, a member of the Rooney family did something very, very right in the eyes of God and he's decided to pay the Steelers back with an incomparable endowment of prolonged good fortune.
Of course, good fortune for the Steelers means bad fortune for people like me. As I vehemently rooted against them yesterday, I watched the Steelers march down the field and rip the Lombardi Trophy away from the Cardinals. Then, I watched Santonio Holmes celebrate his game-winning touchdown by mocking my favorite athlete and Cleveland's biggest ray of light. The way the game turned out wasn't as awful as I could have imagined. It was even worse.
A promise is a promise. Here's a stingingly anti-Browns song, set to the tune of Pittsburgh's latest Super Bowl song. But consider this my resignation from football, at least until the draft. As long as this torture is in the NFL...I won't be.
Here we go
Here we go
Here we go, Steelers, here we go
Pitts-burgh won another Suuuuper Bowl
Here we go
Cheer the Steelers, they're fierce and they're mean
Here we go
But at the same time, they're smart and they're keen
Here we go
When you watch them you can tell they have fun
They have six Lombardi Trophies and the Browns have none
Here we go
Here we go
Here we go, Steelers, here we go
Pitts-burgh won another Suuuuper Bowl
Here we go
The Browns and Steelers, they're rivals no doubt
Here we go
They hate each other, they scream and they shout
Here we go
But the Browns can't compete anymore
Don't forget, it isn't nine-teen sixty-four
Here we go
Here we go
Here we go, Steelers, here we go
Pitts-burgh won another Suuuuper Bowl
Here we go
Roethlisberger, he's ready to throw
Here we go
Defense blitzing, thank you LeBeau
Here we go
Reed's a player of the uppermost tier
He got more ass in Tampa than the Browns will all year
Here we go
Here we go
Here we go, Steelers, here we go
Pitts-burgh won another Suuuuper Bowl
Here we go
Super Bowl rings, they've reached the apex
Here we go
Filled out one hand, on to the next
Here we go
The Browns are hoping for a similar burst
But to win it all ya gotta make the playoffs first
Here we go
Here we go
Here we go, Steelers, here we go
Pitts-burgh won another Suuuuper Bowl
Here we go
Ward's amazing, oh yes it's a fact
Here we go
Harrison's strong, his name's Silverback
Here we go
I'd give a nickname to the Browns but I'm vexed
Do they make materials any softer than Kleenex?
Here we go
Here we go
Here we go, Steelers, here we go
Pitts-burgh won another Suuuuper Bowl
Here we go
Pittsburgh Steelers, the model franchise
Here we go
Top to bottom, they take the first prize
Here we go
In this blog I often like to be crass
When it comes to pro football FLS owns my ass
Here we go
Here we go
Here we go, Steelers, here we go
PITTS-BURGH WON ANOTHER SUUUUPER BOWL
HERE WE GO
Good afternoon, class.
I'm your professor, Dr. Henry Walden Jones VI. This is Athletic Anthropology 201, and our first chapter deals with the massacre in Cleveland on September 14, 2008.
Before we delve into the precious artifacts recently discovered from this catastrophic event, I'd like to give you some background. On Sept. 14, the football team then known as the Cleveland Browns played its rival, a team called the Pittsburgh Steelers. The original Browns team had been moved from Cleveland to Baltimore in 1996 by a man named Art Modell, whom Ohioan cultures consider the embodiment of the devil. But in the year 1999, the National Football League granted Cleveland a new team, and the city retained the Browns' uniform and nickname.
From the 1999 season to Sept. 14, 2008, however, the Steelers dominated every facet of the rivalry. They went 16-3 during that time, and with the exception of a 20-point Browns victory in 2003 - which Pope Bob Saget II has since declared a miracle - there was extreme anger and frustration building up inside the Browns and their fans.
By the 2008 season, the Browns had a good amount of talent on their roster, and while the Steelers were talented as well, all the anger and frustration was unleashed on that fateful Sunday night.
The voracious beatdown claimed the life of every single Steeler on the field, and the tornadic storm resulted in the deaths of several hundred fans, too, before engulfing the stadium and burying it far beneath the Earth's surface. After the game, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell indefinitely suspended play, and the league never recovered.
What's of interest to this class, however, and thus of interest to you, are the discoveries of Steelers artifacts by the Northern Ohio expedition last summer.
This is a cinammon donut, a common delicacy during the 21st century, and as you can see, a bite has been taken. Otherwise unremarkable, it has been determined through DNA samples that the donut belonged to defensive tackle Casey Hampton, and he was actually keeping it in his shoulder pads so he could nibble on it between plays.
This was known as a "promise ring" and it belong to Steelers safety Anthony Smith, who kept it in his pocket. It was given to him by then-boyfriend DeShawn Stevenson, though historians don't believe the relationship would have lasted since Smith is terrible at keeping his word.
This adult diaper was worn by receiver Hines Ward, whom historians believe wet himself repeatedly during games, judging by his facial expressions after every catch.
The rock band Nickelback was popular during the early 21st century for no apparent reason. This copy of the successful album "All the Right Reasons" belonged to quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, who stuffed his pants with it.
Fans of the Steelers waved this artifact, known as a "terrible towel", at the game. After exhaustive research, archaeologists concluded there is nothing terrible about the towel, so the named was changed to "douchebag dishrag."
For the game, the Steelers replaced their offensive line with blocks of swiss cheese after deciding they would produce the same results, but the cheese would cost less. Plus, it smelled better than center Justin Hartwig.
These sunglasses, known as "aviators", were worn by Steelers coach Mike Tomlin. Even Browns fans acknowledged he totally rocked them.
This collection of candy hearts belonged to Steelers receiver Limas Sweed, whose soft play earned him the nickname "Sweedie Pie."
Diggers actually uncovered the corpse of DeShea Townsend, who played cornerback for the Steelers. Historians questioned his actual existence, because Steelers fans claimed he disappeared during many games.
Because of his intimidating demeanor, Steelers players called linebacker James Harrison "Silverback", and Anthony Smith gave him these bananas as a joke. It wasn't a joke to Harrison, however, who castrated Smith on the spot.
Punter Daniel Sepulveda suffered a knee injury before the 2008 season, and he wasn't even playing in the game on Sept. 14. But that didn't stop Browns defensive tackle Shaun Rogers from running him down on the sideline and ripping him limb from limb. Archaeologists were only able to recover his head.
These scrungies belonged to safety Troy Polamalu, who defied the team's hard-nosed reputation with his supremely girly hair.
Finally, this crude stick no doubt belonged to a Steelers fan at the game. Paleontologists cite Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania as the biggest collection of neanderthals in Earth's history.
That's all for today. For the next class, I want you to read pages 8-45 of "Derek Bell's Extortion Extravaganza" and listen to the audio file "HERE WE GO, STILL-ERS, HERE WE GO" for our chapter on mongoloids.
Dismissed.
Aloha, loyal readers. Since I moved out to Los Angeles, I've had a few celebrity sightings. I saw actress Mila Kunis from the DJMJ-acclaimed series That '70s Show at an Ikea in Burbank, and last weekend I actually sang karaoke for Dennis Haskins, who played Mr. Belding on Saved By the Bell.
I passed another group of famous people on the street today, and since I don't feel like writing anything tonight, I figured I'd give them a chance to say hello.
It's the cast of Queer Eye For the Straight Guy. Here's Thom Filicia, the group's interior design expert. Take it away, Thom!
THAAAAINKS, DJMJ!
Why hello there everyone! How are you doing todaaaay? Thuper! Well, for those of you who don't know, we're the "Fab Five" and we give makeovers to straaaight men who don't have our sense of style! We really enjoy your blog, but we thought it would be a MAJOR boo-boo if we let you keep that PLAIN black background.
Wake up! Your blog is SOOO funny, but it doesn't pop like it should! Theriouthly, it feels like we're looking at Diane Keaton's suit at the 2004 Oscaaars. EWWWWW!!
We are SO happy we ran into DJMJ on the street today. We have the perfect accentuations for your blog!
Let's start with THIS little number, which Carson actually picked up the other day:
OMG!! What an ADORABLE addition! But it gets better. Here's another piece I found myself:
Isn't that gorgeous! But it's nothing compared to THESE adorable little gents:
Here are a couple more FABULOUS items:
Ted found those in Pittsburgh while he was at a McDonald's. That's where most Steelers fans work, ya know.
Finally, here's a comfy little contribution for you and your BFF:
And just so you can see each other:
Finished!
With these accentuations, your blog now has our touch! Ooooh we are sooo happy! Thank you to DJMJ for having us on tonight, and if you don't like the pieces we've provided, don't fret! We'll come back and take them away.
Guaranteed!
Let's hear it for Squeelers defensive tackle Casey Hampton, the rotund center of Pukesburgh's 3-4 defense who gobbles up blockers and, apparently, whole pastry shops. See, Squeelers coach Mike Tomlin placed Hampton on the Physically Unable to Perform List, not because he's hurt, not because of a family emergency, but because he couldn't finish a conditioning test at camp.
So you'd think it'd be something really arduous, like a course or drill that tests things like strength, speed, stamina, explosion, agility and instincts all at once. You'd think. Instead, ol' Big Snack couldn't finish eight separate 100-yard sprints. I'd bet Hampton 30 sliders that anyone who's ever played high school-level sports could do that, but I'd apparently be mistaken.
In any case, the Tomlinator won't stand for this, and neither would I. The Squeelers are renowned for their work ethic and attitude, and Hampton's situation isn't funny, so you won't see me post any pictures just to mock him.
Nope, as much as I hate the Steelers, you won't get me to bite.
There will be no pictures insinuating anything about his weight problem.
Not a chance.
However, Casey Hamburger is now more appealing to the franchise's typical female fans.
So cheer up, Squeelers nation. The Tomlinator can still whip Casey Hampton into shape, and Hampton can still return to camp and move back into the crater he creates at nose tackle. The real problems are on the offensive line, anyway.
And even if the defensive line struggles, I won't point any fingers.
I guarantee it.
