The LOLBrownz are LOLBack

Because there's no other way to write about this heinous perversion of professional football.

Unreal

If you root for a good NFL team, I humbly request that you always keep in mind one thing:

You are really, really, really, really lucky.

That's it.

Mike Adams back for more fail

Looks like Cleveland has re-signed safety Mike Adams, seen here taking an interception away from another Brown and here trying to tackle Marion Barber with his pointer finger.

This gives us some clues about Eric Mangini's strategy in the secondary: be out of position, give 30-yard cushions in coverage, tackle like a pussy and be more afraid to go over the middle than the receiver. Wonderful.

In other news that's less likely to make me commit seppuku (don't look it up unless you're over 18)...


Cavs. Celtics. Live from Boston. 8 p.m. ET tonight.

Here's a handy little article from Chris Mannix over at Sports Illustrated that sizes up tonight's game and discusses why it's so important. My favorite quote:

"...the Cavs have been the stronger road team in the clubs' recent meetings. As one Celtics insider put it, 'When Cleveland plays in Boston, we win. When Boston plays in Cleveland, they win big.'"

Couldn't have said it better myself. We're a lot closer to winning in Boston than Boston is to winning at the Q.

Tell you what? Let's win tonight so it won't matter.

LET'S GO CAVS

DJMJ's sole remaining Browns jersey now defunct

I don't know why I buy Browns jerseys. It's not like whichever injury-prone talent or busted draft pick I choose is going to be with the team past another quadrennial rebuilding stage. If I was a real jersey head, I'd get longsnapper Ryan Pontbriand's No. 64. He's always in the Pro Bowl. That investment would be wise, and therefore totally unbecoming of the Browns.

Anyway, my home No. 80 Kellen Winslow is officially obsolete now that K2 has been traded to Tampa Bay. No jokes about him "soldiering on" or something like that, just utter lament that the only guy on our roster who could catch passes is now catching them for someone else.

Ah well, if the Mangenius and Kokinis feel it's what's best, then we have to let them make their mark. In the meantime, I'm gonna be relaxing this weekend the best way I know how.


The blog is in FLS' hands the next three days. I wonder what chaos I hath just wrought.

It's been awhile, let me just check..........yep the Browns still make me want to kill myself

Glorious news from the Plain Dealer today. It seems that new head coach Eric Mangini is cultivating such a great relationship with his players that defensive tackle Shaun Rogers wants out. That's right, the only defensive player besides D'Qwell Jackson who's worth his weight in walrus shit doesn't want any part of the new regime. AWESOME.

Oh, and here's a little something I noticed awhile ago but could never logically work into a post. Thanks to the Mangina's inexplicable neglect of Rogers, I'm going to inexplicably put this out there:


Shaun Rogers, leader of the Yanagopa. Rainforests suck.

Browns hire the Mangenius

Per the Plain Dealer, the Cleveland Browns have reached an agreement with Eric Mangini to become the team's new head coach.

DJMomJeans likes. More to come.

Bye bye Savage, touchdoooooooown...no one

It's official. Hours after losing to Shittsburgh AGAIN, the Browns fired general manager Phil Savage.

Not entirely unexpected, and not entirely unwarranted. Savage began his career as an intern with the Browns in 1991, and during his time as a top scout for Buttlimore, he helped draft Ray Lewis, Ed Reed, Terrell Suggs, Adalius Thomas, Jamal Lewis, Chris McAlister, Peter Boulware, and Jonathan Ogden. His draft haul in Cleveland has been, shall we say, less sexy.

Still, the talent pool on our roster has improved by leaps and bounds under Savage's watch, but he overpaid some free agents and had several very public slip-ups. He was also inextricably tied to Romeo Crennel, whose fate will likely be decided within 24 hours.

There are names flying around for both the GM position and head coaching job, so Randy Lerner has his work cut out for him. Here are some quick-hit grades on the 10 biggest candidates:

Bill Cowher
Former Pittsburgh Steelers head coach; current CBS analyst
Viability: C

The most popular name on several teams' lists, I'd rather not see him get the head coaching job. His coaching career began in Cleveland, and his run in the asshole of Pennsylvania is impressive, but he won't have great coordinators this time, and he'll want to be the general manager, too. Besides, he says he doesn't have any interest. You know what? Neither do I.

Scott Pioli
Vice President of Personnel, New England Patriots
Viability: B+

He didn't want the Browns' general manager position in 2005, and it's unlikely he'll want it much more now. Pioli is a frontrunner who'll want to take over a franchise with a sturdy foundation of recent success, not an NFL quagmire like Cleveland. That said, Pioli is the strongest available front office figure with football's model organization. If we somehow land him, we might become a model organization as well.

Josh McDaniels
New England Patriots offensive coordinator
Viability: A-

Amid this whole sordid debacle, the Browns have two things going for them: the northeast Ohio locale and ties to Bill Belichick. McDaniels fits both bills. This student of Belichick is a graduate of Canton McKinley High School and John Carroll University. He's only 32, but he's one of the hottest coaching candidates in the league, and unlike the others, he'd actually embrace the challenge of fixing the Browns. He did a great job with Matt Cassel this season. I salivate over what he could do with Brady Quinn.

Mike Holmgren
Former Green Bay Packers and Seattle Seahawks head coach
Viability: B-

He's already rescued one history-rich franchise from the doldrums. In order to do it in Cleveland, he might want the additional general manager tag like he had in Seattle, which is something we're all afraid to give anyone. Holmgren has brought a winning culture wherever he's gone, and he could return to football in the future. I'm just not sure his heart's in it right now.

Kirk Ferentz
Iowa Hawkeyes head coach
Viability: F

NO NO NO NO NO. His name is only in the conversation because he served as the offensive line coach for the Browns/Gayvens from 1993-1998. There's no tangible evidence he could succeed as an NFL head coach, and his stock has gone way down thanks to Iowa's tailspin the past few years. Besides, he signed a contract in 2004 to stay at Iowa through 2012, and he denied interest in the Steelers' job two years ago, which is (vomits all over keyboard) a much better job than the Browns right now.

Rex Ryan
Baltimore Ravens defensive coordinator
Viability: C+

Ryan has been fairly quiet on the possibility of coaching in Cleveland. He may not want the job, although given John Harbaugh's hiring last January, he won't get the Ravens job anytime soon, either. But he's authoritative, and he has a great mind for defense. Take it from a Browns fan, we need someone to fix that side of the ball first and foremost.

Jim Schwartz
Tennessee Titans defensive coordinator
Viability: B+

Remember how I said that Bill Belichick's time in Cleveland is an advantage? Here's another name from that tree. Schwartz got his start doing statistical analysis for Belichick's Browns regime, and he's carried his cost-effective brand of defense to Tennessee. He interviewed for three head coaching jobs last offseason, and he's considered one of the top coaches-in-waiting. Anyone who can hammer the Steelers like he did last week has my vote.

Brian Billick
Former Baltimore Ravens head coach
Viability: D

Sure, he's got a strong voice and a Super Bowl ring, but his last few years with the Ratbirds are less than encouraging. He spurned the expansion Browns in 1999 for our aborted fetus in Baltimore. He wants to get back into coaching, but I don't really want him, and the general consensus is he doesn't want the Browns, either.

Bill Parcells
Executive Vice President of Football Operations, Miami Dolphins
Viability: B

I left out Tuna's coaching stints in New York, New England and Dallas because if we end up hiring him, it'll most likely be as general manager. He has an unmatched track record of turning franchises around, and the Browns sure could use an ass-kick in the other direction. Parcells is the biggest wild card of the bunch because his availability hinges on Wayne Huizenga's sale of the Dolphins, for which Parcells has an out clause in his contract. Stay tuned.

Marty Schottenheimer
Former Cleveland Browns, Kansas City Chiefs, Washington Redskins and San Diego Chargers head coach
Viability: A-

Publicly, Marty says he has no interest in coaching the Browns again. Privately, nobody's buying it. And I mean nobody. The right price will almost certainly lure Schottenheimer back to Cleveland, and given his age (65) and success in San Diego, he hasn't lost a step. Sure, bringing back our only consistent winner since Blanton Collier would be a PR move to end all PR moves, and his playoff degenerations into Marty-ball are one of the NFL's most head-scratching happenstances. But I'll come clean: I will sell my football soul for this move if it legitimizes the Browns again.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

As I finish up this post, I'm watching commercials for the Super Bowl on NBC, and it seems so far away I almost want to cry.

You've got a successful football team in England, Mr. Lerner. Let's fix your American football team right now.

BROWNS MAKE EXAMPLE OUT OF ROETHLISBERGER

This is what happens when you mess with the VORACIOUS BROWNS DEFENSE. This is what happens when you ACTUALLY MAKE THE PLAYOFFS and WANT TO KEEP YOUR STARTERS SHARP.

Here's a better look at the immediate aftermath of the incident:


That's Benjamin on the right. The girl on the left answers to the name of William Lee McGinest Jr., and she's the one who hit him.

Such a dilapidated destiny is also awaiting Romeo Crennel and Phil Savage after the game.

Oh, wait.















More to come.

Take Your Pick

Hey fuckwads, it's time for a special edition of Take Your Pick: Would you rather read one of DJMJ's columns for this blog, or flay your dick with a butter knife? I think I know what your answer will be. Maybe instead of bitching about how much you think I suck you should be thankful that I decided to write about not one, but both teams in your miserable home state. Writing about two teams so numbingly boring is an actual test of one's writing chops. Any fucking asshole (you, for example) could write something compelling about Steelers/Titans or Ravens/Cowboys, but writing about the NFL's most boring teams, teams that reside in America's most boring state, now that's a challenge.

You say that I don't ever pick anything on Take Your Pick. Can you read? Are you a mouth-breathing retard? It's called "Take Your Pick", not "Here's My Pick". If I picked, it would take all the suspense out of the game, because my pick would be right every goddamn time. Christ, you're literally one of the dumbest pricks I've ever dealt with--and I have to deal with Kellen Winslow and Braylon Edwards on a semi-regular basis.

I read what you write about me, and I have the unquenchable urge to stick your head in a waffle iron. While sodomizing your dog with a turkey baster. Words can't express how much I think your writing sucks. Even if you wrote about things I liked, like kites, sunny days, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and stenciling, I still wouldn't like your writing. You are a stain on humanity, and I hope you wake up tomorrow with incurable syphilitic sores all over your body. Merry Christmas, shitbag.

A Braylon Edwards Digital Short

Lock eyes, from across the field
No doubt now, this touchdown is sealed

Make the throw and skip the reads
No need here for those other dweebs

Make my way past the cornerback
My speed and size are both things he lacks

Move in close as fans start to rise
Our sync is good, the ball's in the sky

Watch this play, E-S-P-N
Big-play Braylon's back again

The Pro Bowl is what lays ahead
The time comes to make the catch, but instead

I just


It won't happen again, you should take my word
For the No. 3 pick, that's just absurd

Give Big-Play Braylon one more chance
I won't


Son of a bitch, I won't drop every one
But don't laugh at me, or point and make fun

I'm very sensitive, and I'll get the job done
Now I'll go back to work...

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I need a few things fixed with my hands
Do things alone now as it stands

Left out of the limelight during the week
Allows me to work on my game and tweak

Crennel won't yell, there's no inspiration
It's up to me to find motivation

Friday arrives, I'm sharp as cactus
Caught every ball this past week in practice

Confident because we're playing the Bills
None of their defenders can match my skills

Til I


It's perfectly normal, anyone would...
Oh look, another Brown did something good

Whenever it's time for some sweet bromance
I just


But please, keep throwing the ball to me
I won't keep dropping it so awfully

And please stop acting like I killed your cat
Look past the dropped balls that fill my stats

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

This week, I saw the film
As I recall, it was a horror film

Walked outside into the rain
To a charity event at a bowling lane

And I


Speeding out the door when the light bulbs flashed
Need to get away, need to make a dash

I tried to point two guns and scare the dude
But I


On Sunday, the ball comes my way
And I


We need a big play, and since I can't catch
I just


When I turned on the TV and saw what happened to Plax
I just


Then I watched this week's "So You Think You Can Dance?"
And I


After that, I--


Okay, seriously, you guys
Can we..............okay?




I JIZZ RIGHT IN MY PANTS
EVERY TIME YOU THROW TO ME

AND WHEN I DROP THE PASS
IT'S QUITE OFTEN NOTICEABLY

YOU CALL ME NASTY NAMES
AND USE THE WORD "ERRONEOUSLY"

THAT MAKES ME WANT TO LEAVE
AND JUST COLLECT MY BONUS, SEE



Cuz I


(I jizz in my pants, I-jizz-in-my-pants)
(Yes I jizz in my pants, yes-I-jizz-in-my-pants)

Yes, I

The LOLBrownz: Week 15

You know, I thought I endured the worst football-viewing experience possible when I watched


with a house full of Steelers fans during college three years ago.

Then, I watched the Philadelphia Eagles manhandle my team with


doing color commentary Monday night.

Looks like life has finally locked that armbar. I tap.

FAIL

FAIL 2: JUDGMENT DAY

FAIL 3: THE SEARCH FOR SPOCK

FAIL RESURRECTION

The Cleveland Browns Are the Worst Team in Football

I think the title says it all. If the Browns played the Lions next week, the Lions would win by at least two touchdowns.

This is an incomprehensibly sad thing for me.

The LOLBrownz: Week 14

You read right. The LOLBrownz were met with such rave reviews the first time that I decided to bring them back. From this point forward, a Browns win means an insightful, humorous ABCs column, and a Browns loss means the LOLBrownz.

So get used to the LOLBrownz.

EVIL TITANZ R RUINING MEH HEISMAN POSE

PUMPED FOR PEPTO BIZMOL

FAT TITANS TOO FAST FOR LOLBROWNZ

FAT LOLBROWNZ TOO SLOW FOR TITANS

YOU CAN KEEPZ FOOTBALL, I CAN HAZ JERSEY?

ENDZONE IZ HOT, STICK TOE IN FIRST

PENN STATE QUARTERBACK FACED BETTER DEFENSEZ IN BIG TEN

GOATEE IZ NICE, MEH MUSTACHE IZ COOLER

I CAN HAZ KILL MYSELF?

I know. I skimped on the ABCs the last couple weeks. Sue me. Seriously, sue me. At this point, a grueling litigation process which could cost me tons of money is more favorable than watching the Browns on a week-to-week basis.

I'll try to make up for it, though. This is what happens when you spend too much time at LOL Jocks on a slow workday.

Sunday, November 23, 2008
Houston Texans at Cleveland Browns

RUNNING BACK IZ GOOD WITH FAVA BEANS AND NICE CHIANTI

TIM WAKEFIELD IZ HERO

CALM DOWN 52, PASS GET INTERCEPTED ANYWAYZ

STEVE SLATON IS WATCHING YOU MASTURBATE

BEAT PEE WEE PLAYER, NOW I CAN GO TO NFLZ

WHICH ONE Y'ALL TOOK MEH COOKIE

I NO WANTZ CATCH

ALREADY TOLD YOU, LIKE YOU AZ FRIEND

BUT SCHEDULE SAID WERE PLAYING NFL TEAM

I'M IN UR HOLE, STOPPIN UR RUNZ

Sunday, November 30, 2008
Indianapolis Colts at Cleveland Browns

LOLBROWNZ WANT NO PART OF PLAYOFFS

I CAN HAZ PIROUETTE?

IZ EASIER THAN GETTING INTO GAME

GO BACK TO BENCH, ROOKEH

HAHA IT TAKEZ THREE OF YOU TO DROP ONE BALL

IZ OK, DIDN'T WANT ANYWAYZ

SHOULD PROLLY WATCH GAME TAPE INSTEAD OF TECMO BOWL

SILLY COLTS IZ NO MATCH FOR BOOT CAMP EXPERIENCE

INVIZIBLE STONE COLD GETS PEOPLEZ ELBOW

FAIL