Two kings have joined forces. You're all on notice. I offer this Tribe time capsule for your amusement and my catharsis...*
Infielders
Casey Blake – Formerly known as LOBlake, currently known as the best No. 9 hitter in baseball
Asdrubal Cabrera – Tribe pitchers say they really like having him defensively, so for now he gets a pass, because I really don’t like him offensively
Jamey Carroll – Why doesn’t he play more? Because you can’t trust a guy with two first names, especially when they’re both girl names
Ryan Garko – Fred Flintstone here couldn’t hit a beach ball right now, so it’s a good thing we’re paying him Dino scraps
Andy Marte – This prospect’s career mission seems to be keeping his batting average below his playing weight
Jhonny Peralta – Top five on the team in lots of offensive categories, good defensively…can’t ask for much more at this point
Outfielders
Shin-Soo Choo – Named after a Korean bullet train
David Dellucci – Getting older, but he can hit anywhere in the lineup (“hit” being the operative word)
Ben Francisco – Proving to be a good hitter, but man, that error against the Rangers last month was AWFUL
Franklin Gutierrez – You put up with his scattershot play because he’s the kind of guy who’s going to start a seven-run rally at Fenway in the playoffs
Travis Hafner – Part project, part donkey, all injured, but I’m confident he’ll round into form
Grady Sizemore – Even when he’s struggling, my man-crush is still kicking ass
Catchers
Victor Martinez – If you would have told me that V-Mart wouldn’t have a home run by June 4, I’d probably be wearing feminine clothes or have a stupid haircut or something
Kelly Shoppach – No ragging on this guy, seeing as how he could start for at least 20 other Major League teams
Starting pitchers
C.C. Sabathia – Currently a starting pitcher, therefore I have no qualms with him
Fausto Carmona – See above
Jake Westbrook – See two above
Cliff Lee – See three above
Paul Byrd – See four above
Aaron Laffey – See five above
Relief pitchers
Rafael Betancourt – I still have no idea how Righty Raffy became Wrongy Raffy so fast
Joe Borowski – If every appearance he makes is an adventure, then our hero has died about 18 times this season
Scott Elarton – To be honest, I thought he was still a Royal
Masahide Kobayashi – He’s bounced between very good to kinda crappy, but I can see him being valuable in years to come
Jensen Lewis – This guy was gassed up all last year, now he’s just a gas can
Tom Mastny – Ol’ Nasty Mastny is like those water pistol games at amusement parks: hitters keep shooting at him until his ERA balloons to 100
Edward Mujica – Since I haven’t seen him since 2007, and since “Mujica” sounds like an island off the Indian coast of Africa, I’ll guess that’s where he’s been all season
Rafael Perez – Lefty Raffy has been like the movie Transformers, not because he's something one night then something else the next, but because he totally sucks
* -- subject to change on a weekly basis
