Hi, I'm back, and I apologize for the Rick Roll post. Really, it was stupid, and I'll never do anything like it again...til I do something like it again.
Without further ado, let's recap Week 6, shall we?
Indianapolis just pooped on Baltimore, and that sound you heard after the final score went up was the national media hopping back on the Colts' bandwagon, whether such mass hysteria is warranted or not. I can't wait for another season of unbeatable Colts talk, followed by a disappointing playoff exit.
Minnesota topped Detroit, but this was the classic "no winners" game. Though, if you think about it, Detroit could lose every game the rest of the season and still be winners, because they've finally shed themselves of the continuous loss that was the Matt Millen era.
Oakland's coaching switch paid off in spades, as they were up 3-0 after the first quarter. Unfortunately, football games are played for 4 quarters, and the Saints put up 34 after that first quarter. But hey, it's the coach, not the owner, that's the problem. Right.
The Jets beat the Bengals, and rumors are swirling that the Bengals are looking to address a lack of depth at running back by pursuing O.J. Simpson. Pressed for comment, coach Marvin Lewis laughed loudly, chugged Jack Daniel's, and started to cry.
Matt "Matty Ice" Ryan and Kyle "Drunk in Public" Orton staged a memorable duel of last-second heroics that surely made problem drinkers everywhere proud. Ultimately, the alcohol content and fresh, hangover free feeling of Matty Ice won out over the alcoholic tendencies of Orton.
Tampa Bay thrashed Carolina, and the Panthers are starting to prove my theory that the return of Steve Smith would hurt them correct. Otherwise, I don't care one bit about this game. These are two teams that honestly don't interest me one bit--at least not until Tampa goes back to the orange unis.
St. Louis won a game, and Jim Haslett continued his trend of acting like a horse's ass to everyone he comes into contact with. Seriously Haslett, you're yelling at a guy when your team sucks and you're 0-4? Shut the fuck up. From now on, your name is Tom Cruise, because he's an asshole too.
Houston beat Miami, but HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? MIAMI RUNS THE WILDCAT! THEY CAN'T LOSE! IT'S NOT POSSIBLE! WHAT IS GOING ON? LOUD NOISES!
Jacksonville beat on Denver, another team I predicted would go 8-8. I am so smart sometimes that I honestly don't know what to do with myself. Denver has no defense, Jay Cutler's arm will never be as strong as John Elway's, and therefore, Denver has no chance. Jacksonville isn't that good though, trust me.
Philadelphia beat San Fran. Yawn.
Green Bay beat Seattle, and you can tell that ESPN wants Aaron Rodgers to be the next Brett Favre, as they described his play as "gritty", and so on and so forth. Sorry, unless Rodgers is playing with one leg, he's not "gritty" like Favre. And I despise Favre, so I must really mean this--right?
The Cowboys and Cardinals staged a game for the ages, and the Cowboys seem to be falling apart at the seams. Felix Jones is hurt, Terence Newman is hurt, Adam Jones is suspended, and Terrell Owens is being a whiny bitch. Tony Romo is hurt too, and is supposed to miss the next 4 games, but I wouldn't be surprised if he gets back quicker once he realizes he has to spend more time with Jessica Simpson.
San Diego crushed New England, and it's now becoming pretty clear that Bill Belichek is nothing without Tom Brady or illegal videotapes.
The Browns beat the Giants. DJMJ, I'm still not worried about the Browns.
THAT'S ALL I GOT.
Showing posts with label Untitled projects. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Untitled projects. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
The Untitled Football Project v2
Oh hey there, it's me, FLS, your happy recapper! Without further ado, let's talk week 4, shall we?
The Bills did what Bison typically do to Rams, that being run them over. Except these bison were exceptionally thorough in their demolition, in that they got Scott Linehan fired. (PS: I told you it wouldn't be long, Scott!) This firing will be good for precisely 1 total win this year for the Rams. Meanwhile, the Bills are 4-0 and I'll be damned if that's not impressive.
In Tennesse, the Titans also moved to 4-0, beating up on the Vikings and making people forget that their franchise quarterback is a basketcase with a bum knee. If this keeps up, the Titans might win an actual game in the playoffs! Oh, and Gus Frerotte got hurt--so the Vikings are totally fucked now.
The fightin' Matt Ryans fell to 2-2, after getting punched in the mouth by Steve Smith and the Panthers. Carolina is now 3-1 and Chris Berman should be saying, "Daylight come and you gotta Delhomme" enough pretty soon to make anyone queasy.
Denver lost by 14 to Kansas City and holy hell do I look like a raging genius for what I said last week. 8-8 indeed. Oh, and Larry Johnson rediscovered professional football again too. He should be back to his best sport, pouting, in a few days.
New Orleans beat on J.T. O'Sullivan and the 49ers, effectively bringing them back to earth but doing nothing to make me think that a)they're a good team and b)the 49ers aren't going to win the NFC west anyway.
The Jets put up fif...BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE WHAT A CANNON STILL GOT HIS FASTBALL TOUGHEST PLAYER IN THE GAME A TRUE LEGEND WHAT A GUNSLINGER HE JUST LOVES TO PLAY FOOTBALL WHAT A COMPETITOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
The Bucs beat the Packers, with Matt Bryant providing the winning points. I am sending nothing but sympathy to the man and his family. Period.
Jacksonville took down Houston in OT, evening their record, and setting the stage for a 3-game winning streak, because the Steelers will be forced to dress random fans for their Sunday night showdown this week.
Cleveland and Cincinnati set football back 50 years. I refuse to tell you who won, because everyone that watched or participated in this game was a loser.
Kyle Orton put down the bottle of Jack Daniels long enough to guide Ditka to a surprising win over the Eagles. The Eagles fans are now convinced their team is going to go 2-14 this season.
The Steelers beat the Ravens in OT, in a game I will have plenty more to say about in my next post. Seriously, I'll write a lot more words in general about it. Maybe even throw in some pictures, you greedy spoiled bastards.
Washington topped Dallas, in Dallas, and Terrell Owens started the laborious process of alienating an entire fanbase and team anew. There is only one logical spot for this piece of cancer and phlegm to go in his career, and it's...
Oakland, a team that blew another lead and lost to Whale's Vagina. Only in Oakland could T.O. co-exist peacefully, primarily because Al Davis is the only other person associated in any way, shape or form with the NFL who is more unlikable than T.O. Well, except for Jim Richards, that ball boy for the Cardinals. What a fucker. Anyway, Davis fired his promising young coach, Lane Kiffin, and said he wouldn't pay him the remainder of the contract, either, because that same ploy worked so well years ago with Mike Shanahan. Al Davis is so far the only owner I know of to run a team with one and a half feet in the grave. I cannot wait until he is dead. Plain and simple.
FAKE E-MAIL OF THE WEEK
"Hi there, FLS. Just wondering what you'd suggest for a guy in my situation. I'm talented but aging, revered by many and reviled by some, and I might have lost a step, but most announcers and media types tell me I can still play. So what would you do if you were me? Keep playing? Or quit while I'm ahead?"
--Brett F., New York, NY
"Hey Brett, easy solution for you. Cut off your arms and legs. This therapy is a great way to reduce temptation."
FUCK YOU OF THE WEEK
Fuck you, Al Davis and Terrell Owens. Al, you're a decrepit sack of piss, with no idea whatsoever how to run a football team. I can't wait to watch your press conference today, only because there's about a 10% chance you'll die during it. And that would be sweet. And fuck you, Terrell Owens. Before you start calling out teammates and destroying a Super Bowl favorite, perhaps you should focus on catching the ball on a regular basis, seeing as you've never been good at it. I would laugh and laugh and laugh if you tore up both knees while trying to go after one of your teammates. Really, I would. And I'd laugh even harder if, immediately after this happened, you were hit by a bus and then consumed whole by a gang of angry fire ants.
UNRELATED ITEM OF THE WEEK
Human Tetris. Watch and enjoy.
The Bills did what Bison typically do to Rams, that being run them over. Except these bison were exceptionally thorough in their demolition, in that they got Scott Linehan fired. (PS: I told you it wouldn't be long, Scott!) This firing will be good for precisely 1 total win this year for the Rams. Meanwhile, the Bills are 4-0 and I'll be damned if that's not impressive.
In Tennesse, the Titans also moved to 4-0, beating up on the Vikings and making people forget that their franchise quarterback is a basketcase with a bum knee. If this keeps up, the Titans might win an actual game in the playoffs! Oh, and Gus Frerotte got hurt--so the Vikings are totally fucked now.
The fightin' Matt Ryans fell to 2-2, after getting punched in the mouth by Steve Smith and the Panthers. Carolina is now 3-1 and Chris Berman should be saying, "Daylight come and you gotta Delhomme" enough pretty soon to make anyone queasy.
Denver lost by 14 to Kansas City and holy hell do I look like a raging genius for what I said last week. 8-8 indeed. Oh, and Larry Johnson rediscovered professional football again too. He should be back to his best sport, pouting, in a few days.
New Orleans beat on J.T. O'Sullivan and the 49ers, effectively bringing them back to earth but doing nothing to make me think that a)they're a good team and b)the 49ers aren't going to win the NFC west anyway.
The Jets put up fif...BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE WHAT A CANNON STILL GOT HIS FASTBALL TOUGHEST PLAYER IN THE GAME A TRUE LEGEND WHAT A GUNSLINGER HE JUST LOVES TO PLAY FOOTBALL WHAT A COMPETITOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
The Bucs beat the Packers, with Matt Bryant providing the winning points. I am sending nothing but sympathy to the man and his family. Period.
Jacksonville took down Houston in OT, evening their record, and setting the stage for a 3-game winning streak, because the Steelers will be forced to dress random fans for their Sunday night showdown this week.
Cleveland and Cincinnati set football back 50 years. I refuse to tell you who won, because everyone that watched or participated in this game was a loser.
Kyle Orton put down the bottle of Jack Daniels long enough to guide Ditka to a surprising win over the Eagles. The Eagles fans are now convinced their team is going to go 2-14 this season.
The Steelers beat the Ravens in OT, in a game I will have plenty more to say about in my next post. Seriously, I'll write a lot more words in general about it. Maybe even throw in some pictures, you greedy spoiled bastards.
Washington topped Dallas, in Dallas, and Terrell Owens started the laborious process of alienating an entire fanbase and team anew. There is only one logical spot for this piece of cancer and phlegm to go in his career, and it's...
Oakland, a team that blew another lead and lost to Whale's Vagina. Only in Oakland could T.O. co-exist peacefully, primarily because Al Davis is the only other person associated in any way, shape or form with the NFL who is more unlikable than T.O. Well, except for Jim Richards, that ball boy for the Cardinals. What a fucker. Anyway, Davis fired his promising young coach, Lane Kiffin, and said he wouldn't pay him the remainder of the contract, either, because that same ploy worked so well years ago with Mike Shanahan. Al Davis is so far the only owner I know of to run a team with one and a half feet in the grave. I cannot wait until he is dead. Plain and simple.
FAKE E-MAIL OF THE WEEK
"Hi there, FLS. Just wondering what you'd suggest for a guy in my situation. I'm talented but aging, revered by many and reviled by some, and I might have lost a step, but most announcers and media types tell me I can still play. So what would you do if you were me? Keep playing? Or quit while I'm ahead?"
--Brett F., New York, NY
"Hey Brett, easy solution for you. Cut off your arms and legs. This therapy is a great way to reduce temptation."
FUCK YOU OF THE WEEK
Fuck you, Al Davis and Terrell Owens. Al, you're a decrepit sack of piss, with no idea whatsoever how to run a football team. I can't wait to watch your press conference today, only because there's about a 10% chance you'll die during it. And that would be sweet. And fuck you, Terrell Owens. Before you start calling out teammates and destroying a Super Bowl favorite, perhaps you should focus on catching the ball on a regular basis, seeing as you've never been good at it. I would laugh and laugh and laugh if you tore up both knees while trying to go after one of your teammates. Really, I would. And I'd laugh even harder if, immediately after this happened, you were hit by a bus and then consumed whole by a gang of angry fire ants.
UNRELATED ITEM OF THE WEEK
Human Tetris. Watch and enjoy.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
A Column About the NFL
Hi, how are you? Good? That's great. I had a poor weekend, because I got belligerently drunk on Saturday and watched my team lose on Sunday. With that all out of the way, let's talk about this past week in the NFL, shall we?
The Bills? They're a surprising 3-0. This is presumably due to the fact that Lane Kiffin found it difficult to coach from ahead while the Sword of Damocles was looming over his head in the wizened figure of Al "I don't know anything about football anymore, but shh don't tell anyone" Davis. Good for the Bills though, they're giving their fans something to cheer about before they become the Toronto Aboots in a few years.
The Chargers pounded the snot out of the Brett Favres on MNF, cementing their reputation as a team that starts slow, looks impressive, and then fizzles out in the playoffs. Yes, I'm already assuming a crushing post-season loss.
The Browns looked horrendous in losing to the Ravens, and that's really all I'm going to say about that. The Brady Quinn era is just around the corner, and we can all be certain that no city outside of Cleveland is more excited about this than San Francisco. Yes, that was an obvious joke. No, I don't feel shame because of it.
The Cowboys dismantled the Packers in Green Bay and look like the team to beat in the NFL right now. I just threw up several times in my mouth thinking about that. Paging Jessica Simpson to the luxury box!
The Titans smoked the Texans, and Vince Young cried a little bit less today, so really, no one had a bad day in Tennessee, now did they?
The Jaguars saved their season with a last-second win over the Colts. The Colts aren't really that good this year, and neither are the Jaguars. I'm not quite sure I'm ready for another Kerry Collins-led Super Bowl contender, though. We all know how things went for him last time he got there.
Minnesota beat Carolina, to the surprise of no one. Minnesota is still not a good football team, also to the surprise of no one.
The Patriots' regular season winning streak came to an end, as Ronnie Brown proved that he might just be the solution to the Dolphins' quarterback problems. Joey Porter talked a lot.
The Redskins beat the Cardinals. Matt Leinart fucked three 18-year old co-eds and Brenda Warner on the sideline. Good game for Matt.
The Steelers lost to the Eagles, and Ben Roethlisberger got sacked many times. Ben Roethlisberger is something of a pansy. The Steelers' coaches have also never heard of a screen pass, draw play, or three step drop.
The Broncos won again, making their eventual 8-8 finish only slightly harder to fathom, but just as realistic and inevitable.
Kansas City got crushed. Who even cares? It was by the Falcons, by the way. But no one cares about that, either.
Seattle destroyed St. Louis and San Francisco did the same to Detroit. Someone should tell fans of those teams that wins over JV squads don't count towards your overall record.
Cincinnati and Chicago both lost in overtime. Tampa Bay and the New York Giants both won in overtime. But WHO PLAYED WHO? This is up to you, dear reader, to figure out.
FAKE E-MAIL OF THE WEEK
"Hey FLS, long time reader, first time fake e-mailer: My question is, what do you know about resumes? I'm trying to put together a good one, but I just don't know if I have good enough material or what. Can you help? Thanks so much."
--Scott L., St. Louis
Hey Scott, no, sorry, I can't. Thanks for playing, and don't worry, it'll only be a few more weeks.
FUCK YOU OF THE WEEK
Fuck you, Steelers offensive coaches. Apparently you thought it was cool to see your $100 million investment on his ass all day. As if a hangnail isn't enough for him to complain and moan for weeks on end. Next time, let's try and expand the playbook past original Tecmo Bowl levels. Thanks.
Remember people: This is a work in progress. Promise it'll be better next week.
The Bills? They're a surprising 3-0. This is presumably due to the fact that Lane Kiffin found it difficult to coach from ahead while the Sword of Damocles was looming over his head in the wizened figure of Al "I don't know anything about football anymore, but shh don't tell anyone" Davis. Good for the Bills though, they're giving their fans something to cheer about before they become the Toronto Aboots in a few years.
The Chargers pounded the snot out of the Brett Favres on MNF, cementing their reputation as a team that starts slow, looks impressive, and then fizzles out in the playoffs. Yes, I'm already assuming a crushing post-season loss.
The Browns looked horrendous in losing to the Ravens, and that's really all I'm going to say about that. The Brady Quinn era is just around the corner, and we can all be certain that no city outside of Cleveland is more excited about this than San Francisco. Yes, that was an obvious joke. No, I don't feel shame because of it.
The Cowboys dismantled the Packers in Green Bay and look like the team to beat in the NFL right now. I just threw up several times in my mouth thinking about that. Paging Jessica Simpson to the luxury box!
The Titans smoked the Texans, and Vince Young cried a little bit less today, so really, no one had a bad day in Tennessee, now did they?
The Jaguars saved their season with a last-second win over the Colts. The Colts aren't really that good this year, and neither are the Jaguars. I'm not quite sure I'm ready for another Kerry Collins-led Super Bowl contender, though. We all know how things went for him last time he got there.
Minnesota beat Carolina, to the surprise of no one. Minnesota is still not a good football team, also to the surprise of no one.
The Patriots' regular season winning streak came to an end, as Ronnie Brown proved that he might just be the solution to the Dolphins' quarterback problems. Joey Porter talked a lot.
The Redskins beat the Cardinals. Matt Leinart fucked three 18-year old co-eds and Brenda Warner on the sideline. Good game for Matt.
The Steelers lost to the Eagles, and Ben Roethlisberger got sacked many times. Ben Roethlisberger is something of a pansy. The Steelers' coaches have also never heard of a screen pass, draw play, or three step drop.
The Broncos won again, making their eventual 8-8 finish only slightly harder to fathom, but just as realistic and inevitable.
Kansas City got crushed. Who even cares? It was by the Falcons, by the way. But no one cares about that, either.
Seattle destroyed St. Louis and San Francisco did the same to Detroit. Someone should tell fans of those teams that wins over JV squads don't count towards your overall record.
Cincinnati and Chicago both lost in overtime. Tampa Bay and the New York Giants both won in overtime. But WHO PLAYED WHO? This is up to you, dear reader, to figure out.
FAKE E-MAIL OF THE WEEK
"Hey FLS, long time reader, first time fake e-mailer: My question is, what do you know about resumes? I'm trying to put together a good one, but I just don't know if I have good enough material or what. Can you help? Thanks so much."
--Scott L., St. Louis
Hey Scott, no, sorry, I can't. Thanks for playing, and don't worry, it'll only be a few more weeks.
FUCK YOU OF THE WEEK
Fuck you, Steelers offensive coaches. Apparently you thought it was cool to see your $100 million investment on his ass all day. As if a hangnail isn't enough for him to complain and moan for weeks on end. Next time, let's try and expand the playbook past original Tecmo Bowl levels. Thanks.
Remember people: This is a work in progress. Promise it'll be better next week.
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