Hop on board the General Lee

I haven't written many Tribe posts lately, because (a) I was traveling across the country as detailed in the post below, and (b) the Indians were so hot I didn't want to gum up the works.

But after being swept by the Mariners and their obnoxious Japanese leadoff hitter who still can't speak English and hates Cleveland, the 10-game win streak was over and the Tribe came back down to Earth. Still, I was very happy with the effort these guys continued to show even in the face of a lost season. Veteran leaders like Jhonny Peralta and DJMJ man crush Grady Sizemore anchored the lineup, and young talents like Ben Francisco and Franklin Gutierrez began to emerge.

There's one guy, though, who emerged during the first week of the season and hasn't faded back into the pack. He's Cliff Lee, who stymied the division-leading White Sox Monday night and became Cleveland's first 20-game winner since Gaylord Perry in 1974. Lee allowed just five hits in pitching a complete-game shutout, and he ended the game by forcing AL home run leader Carlos Quentin into a double play.

Amidst a year of injuries and underachieving, the General Cliff Lee has been rock solid, rebounding from his turbulent 2007 season and returning to the form he showed in going 18-5 three years ago. Lee started the All-Star Game, and he's a favorite to win the Cy Young Award.

In other words, Cliff Lee is one of the greatest things in the history of the world. Let's see how he stacks up.

The Invasion of Normandy

The two-month period during the summer of 1944 that saw 425,000 brave young soldiers lose their lives was also the first major step taken by the Allied Forces toward ending World War II. They halted the spread of one of history's most evil ideologies, and then came back to a country that (frankly) rejected them, but still helped build the industries we know today. In no way did these men and women fight for their own benefit. They fought because it was simply the right thing to do. To quote Tom Brokaw, "It is, I believe, the greatest generation any society has ever produced."

VERDICT: The Invasion of Normandy, because Cliff Lee never killed any Nazis

The Ninety-Five Theses on the Power of Indulgences

Disillusioned by his own beliefs and disgusted by Christianity's growing commercialism, Martin Luther famously posted his complaints about the Roman Catholic Church in Wittenberg, Germany, and infamously overhauled religion in the early 16th century. Some view him as a sinner and an atheist. Many others, however, view him as an inspired realist and the most significant reason why Americans and Europeans enjoy the religious freedoms they do today.

VERDICT: Cliff Lee, because he's the central figure of several religions himself

The Declaration of Independence

Thomas Jefferson wrote this statement of American freedom on behalf of Congress, and it was ratified on July 4, 1776. On that same day, Britain's King George III made a single, iconic entry in his diary: "Nothing important happened today." Facing a young country whose ideology would soon change the course of humanity, helmed by a group of men whose vision now stands rightfully beside the most brilliant and benevolent the world has ever seen, what other reaction could any human being have?

VERDICT: The Declaration of Independence, by a lot

Adam Goldberg's guest spot on Entourage

On a show renowned for its guest stars, Adam Goldberg's turn as the privileged, neurotic, cocaine-addicted Nicky Rubenstein is a hundred cuts above the rest. The son of a major Hollywood producer, Rubenstein comes into a huge trust fund on his 35th birthday and decides to become a producer himself, financing Vince and Eric's Pablo Escobar movie. Goldberg's quick-witted, hilarious take on the character is worth $10 million itself.

VERDICT: Goldberg, because Cliff Lee isn't funny

The Battle of Thermopylae

Approximately 2,300 Spartans, Thespians, Thebans and Helots suffered defeat but stood their ground and helped stop the advancing Persian Empire in one of history's most notable examples of bravery. Cliff Lee has stood his ground this season without much help from the offense, and although he hasn't faced any Persians, I seriously doubt they could catch up to his fastballs.

VERDICT: The Battle of Thermopylae, by a severed nose

The Emancipation Proclamation

The primogenitor of racial equality under the United States government, Abraham Lincoln's bold orders freed slaves in the Confederacy and marked the first real attempt to incorporate African-Americans into the fabric of society. Now if only Major League Baseball would follow its lead.

VERDICT: Cliff Lee, an equal-opportunity ass-kicker

Greek Logic

The study of valid inference is as important as any scientific research, and our society would do well to teach it in schools like we teach biology, geology, etc. The Greeks were the foremost proponents of modern logic, from Plato's philosophical examinations to Aristotle's syllogism to the modality and conditionality of the Stoics. That said, there's no logical way to categorize Cliff Lee's dominance this season.

VERDICT: Logic, by a good amount

Charles Barkley

He wrote a book called "I May Be Wrong, But I Doubt It." He dropped this gem after the Dream Team's game against Angola: "Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back, even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in awhile." His zings on TNT's NBA coverage are priceless. Outspoken, hilarious, self-deprecating and knowledgeable, nobody does it better than Barkley.

VERDICT: Barkley, although I'm anxiously awaiting Cliff Lee's studio debut

Galileo Galilei

From the phases of Venus to the four biggest moons of Jupiter (including LeBron's 2010 destination), Galileo made tons of important discoveries using his telescope, and also championed Copernicanism, or the idea of a heliocentric solar system, more than any other scientist. His contributions to the scientific revolution are immeasurable, and grab your telescopes, kids, because 2009 has been officially declared the International Year of Astronomy.

VERDICT: Cliff Lee, who provides pitcherocentric baseball games

Carrie Underwood

This platinum blonde Oklahoma beauty has the country music chops to match, even if she did come from American Idol. Thank you eternally, Stephen and Carolyn Underwood. No more words are necessary.

VERDICT: Underwood, seriously, just look at her

Misery 101

Now that I've successfully removed the steak knives from my eyeballs and regained my vision, it's time to comment on Monday's nationally televised mass-murder in East Rutherford, New Jersey.

Where do I begin? That's just it. There's nowhere TO begin. The Giants beat the Browns 37-34, but they were up 30-3 before Ron Jaworski could even say "National Football League." If preseason games are about how your starters look, then we're pro football's answer to the Elephant Man.

I can't possibly do our performance justice in a blog description. Just know two things: your football team has never played that poorly, and it was actually worse than what you're reading.

While I was watching the slaughter at work, I cycled through my mental rolodex of ways to summarize the Browns' Monday Night Fuckup. Lots of thoughts crossed my mind, from writing a 300-word post made up entirely of cuss words to comparing the Browns to a Star Trek episode I'd watched earlier in the day. I ultimately decided that we were so bad, there's only one thing to do:

Rank this debacle among the worst things in history.

Adolf Hitler

The trendy pick for "history's worst" lists, Hitler oversaw the murder of more than nine million Jews, Gypsies, Communists, POWs, Slavs, homosexuals, disabled people and dissidents over the course of a decade. The Browns oversaw the murder of 2.5 million fans' optimism in one night.

VERDICT: Hitler, by a lot

The Black Death

Specifically a massive case of the bubonic plague, the Black Death was responsible for the fatalities of anywhere from 75-100 million people in the 14th century. Warning signs (term used loosely) included bleeding extremities, nausea, aching joints and severe overall discomfort. Other than the bleeding extremities, I experienced all that Monday night watching the Browns.

VERDICT: The Black Death, by a good amount

Original sin

When Adam and Eve ate those apples, mankind was fucked. Kind of like the Browns' o-line against the Giants.

VERDICT: The Browns, by a hair

Transformers (film)

I was never into Transformers as a kid, but it wasn't hard to get excited for the movie. I mean, cars that turn into robots and beat the shit out of each other? Let's go! But instead of that, we had to sit through an hour-long teen drama before the Transformers even showed up, and when they did, it was lame scenes and cartoonish action sequences the rest of the way.

VERDICT: Transformers, by a lot

Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus

Better known as Caligula, it's believed that this first-century Roman emperor suffered from an inflammation of the brain stem, which characterized his gleeful cruelty, abject decrees, vainly expansionist policy, twisted sexual indulgences and total insanity. Come to think of it, "total insanity" is a great way to describe rooting for the Browns.

VERDICT: Caligula, because of the sex appeal

The Cretaceous-Tertiary extinction event

That's a fancy way of saying "how the dinosaurs died." Here's what we know: approximately 65 million years ago, something happened that caused the mass extinction of a large percentage of the Earth's plant and animal species in a relatively short period of time. As recent as the mid-1990s, it was believed that a giant asteroid struck the planet's surface and caused a period of darkness that lasted about a year, which effectively destroyed the Earth's life cycles. Since the turn of the century, scientists have begun to theorize that it was a combination of multiple impact events, increased volcanism and marine regression, the perfect cocktail for geological obliteration.

Which must have tasted better than the cocktail I'm slamming right now.

VERDICT: The Browns, but dinosaurs are still way cool

50 Cent's sophomore album

You follow your instant-classic debut with this? I was a Penn State freshman when Get Rich came out, and I remember how every stereo on campus was blasting it. I also remember how great it was, and how great you were, and how it deserved a worthy successor. Instead, we get pedestrian party singles, uninspired penmanship and a feeble, overhyped diss track that was torn apart by superior lyricists like Jadakiss. If you're looking for G-Unit's first sellout CD, look no further.

VERDICT: The Browns, only because "I'm Supposed to Die Tonight" is a sick song

The sinking of the Titanic

More than 1,500 people died when the "unsinkable" ship struck an iceberg on April 14, 1912. But most of them were rich snobs who probably deserved it.

VERDICT: The Browns, who ran into similar disasters on the Giants' 10-yard line

Mount Vesuvius' eruption of 79

Most of us learned about this in second or third grade, under the chapter about Pompeii. The volcanic eruption completely wiped out the town of Pompeii and significantly damaged several neighboring communities, and recent research has suggested that an earthquake 17 years earlier contributed to the eruption's tectonic precursors. I dunno about Vesuvius, but lava and ash were nothing compared to what I was spewing Monday night.

VERDICT: The Browns, shout out to Morrison Elementary

Robocop 2 (film)

A sequel that's ultra-nihilistic, gratuitously violent, barren of imagination, retrograde in its visual effects, and thoroughly preposterous in its convictions. Without a doubt, the worst movie with serious intentions I have ever seen. No funny jokes in this paragraph.

VERDICT: Robocop 2, by a lot

DeShawn Stevenson

So awful I had to end a post by making fun of him twice!