“After 10,000 years I’m free! It’s time to conquer Earrrrth!”
--Rita Repulsa
“After like…a long time, we’re free! No more ‘Peyton Manning is so awesome’ blather!”
--All NFL fans not residing in Indianapolis
That’s pretty much the most important thing we learned in this past week, children. The Titans might not be a fantastic team, but they’re clearly the class of the AFC South, which is big news. The Colts? They’re officially a middling team, at least for this season. To honor this changing of the guard, let’s try and assign a character from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers to each team, shall we? It’s about time we incorporated these rankings’ namesake into the proceedings beyond a simple picture.
1. Tennessee Titans (7-0)—They’ve got to be Lord Zedd, “Master of evil" and all around scary looking dude. I say this because Lord Zedd, after watching Rita Repulsa fuck up repeatedly each and every weekday afternoon, finally got sick and tired of it and went to dispatch the Power Rangers himself. The Titans, after watching the Colts shit the bed for most of the season thus far, took command of the division by virtue of their big win Monday night. And they’ve even got a goofy looking leader who can frighten children with just a look—Jeff Fisher.
2. New York Giants (6-1)—These guys certainly showed championship chops on the road in Pittsburgh, even if it was against an extremely banged up Steelers team. For their resourceful win, they’ve got to be Billy, the Blue Ranger, who somehow managed to defeat the enemy using his resourcefulness and cunning, in spite of the fact that he was a huge pussy. Not that any of the Giants are pussies—at least, besides Eli.
3. Carolina Panthers (6-2)—Pretty impressive home win against a better than you think Falcons team. I was wrong about this team, at least so far, because I didn’t see them staying the course after losing two straight after a 2-0 start. For that, I’ve got to make them the Green Ranger, who was evil at first, then good, then maybe tried to be evil again, but ultimately was good. I guess that’s what I think is going to happen with this team—they’re probably going to end up with the 2 seed in the NFC. Of course, unlike the Green Ranger, they don’t have a super fucking cool Dragonzord to kick ass with.
4. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-2)—I’m not willing to drop them very far, because they would have won that game, had they not had enough injuries to start their very own MASH unit. When the game is essentially decided by a long-snapper, that’s where I tend to go “hmm” and wonder just how much one team was really better than the other. Still, I think I’ll have to go with them as being Goldar, the idiot henchman of Rita Repulsa and Lord Zedd, whose best laid plans often go awry, often due to rotten luck. Oh, and sometimes Goldar fucks up because of his own incompetence, which would explain Big Ben’s 4 INTs.
5. Washington Redskins (6-2)—They needed to put away the Lions sooner, though they eventually got it done in the end. Nothing spectacular about this team, but they’re generally solid and steady, and tend to get the job done. They’re clearly the Red Ranger (evidently getting ready for a little "power up" from the head below), a reliable, leader-ish guy who stands tall when the battle is most fierce. They’re playing Goldar next week, and the Red Ranger always kicked Goldar’s ass, but then again, the Red Ranger isn’t necessarily used to fighting on Monday Night Football.
6. Buffalo Bills (5-2)—Tough to lose to the Dolphins, but at least it was a road loss. They definitely should have won the game, though, so I’ll put them into the mix as Rita Repulsa, a chronic underachiever who never did seem to finish things off. This is not to say that the Bills are a supposedly all-powerful sorceress living on the Moon, but I don’t think it’d be out of the question to say that they try to win football games by creating monsters out of clay. It is Buffalo, after all.
7. New England Patriots (5-2)—Everyone is talking about this team like they might be able to make serious noise because they haven’t completely gone in the tank—but they’re forgetting that the Pats play the league’s easiest schedule! Trust me, by the end of the year, New England will be walking around making noises and looking awful on the field. If they stagger into the playoffs, they’ll be easily dealt with by a superior team. In fact, they’ll probably provide as much resistance as…putties.
8. Tampa Bay Bucs (5-3)—I’m not sure what to think about this team. Kind of a mystery, probably should have beaten the Cowboys, even though a desperate team at home usually wins that sort of game. So what character was a mystery on the show? The White Ranger, of course. Don’t you remember waiting with bated breath to find out who it was (if you were me, you were hoping Patrick Swayze), only to see that fucking Green Ranger guy under the mask? Yeah, fuck that.
9. Philadelphia Eagles (4-3)—Got a gift touchdown from the officiating crew, but it was still a good home win. Right now, what this team is doing is the definition of “lurking”. They don’t scare me a whole lot, primarily because I have serious doubts about whether Brian Westbrook can stay healthy for the whole year. If he can, and McNabb also stays off the injury list, then we could have a dark-horse Super Bowl contender. If not, they’ll go in the tank. So, what do you call a team with all this potential to go either way? You call them the Red Ranger, too, because there were plenty of rumors that he was queer as a three dollar bill on top of Elton John’s piano. Actually, you call them by the Red Ranger’s real name, Austin St. John. Sounds much more bisexual—or at least, pornographic.
10. Atlanta Falcons (4-3)—Showed a lot in defeat at Philadelphia. Yes, it’s a statement game and yes, you’d prefer not to blow a lead on the road, but the fact that they were in the game right until the end and were arguably a horrible call away from winning makes me think they’ve got staying power. In fact, the way they hung in there and never gave up kind of reminds me of a rather famous robot—the Megazord! Except, you know, the Megazord eventually got swallowed up into the earth.
11. Arizona Cardinals (4-3)—How can you not be impressed by the Buzzsaw’s ability to hang around and be right in the thick of things? They should have beaten Carolina, and they might be starting, as ludicrous as this sounds, to hear footsteps from the Rams, but they keep scoring points, and might just waltz into the playoffs at 8-8. For their mediocrity and mysterious staying power, they are the second Black Ranger (trust me, that's him). You know, the vaguely Asian one who kind of sucked all around? The real Black Ranger was a badass AND was missing one of his middle fingers. Second Black Ranger? Fuck him.
12. Dallas Cowboys (5-3)—They’re not good, but the feeling is that they’ll somehow stagger into the playoffs as the sixth seed, whereupon everyone can proclaim them the most talented sixth seed ever, only to watch them get obliterated by the Bears in the first round when the team wilts in the cold of Chicago. The Cowboys don’t get a Power Ranger attached to them, because I don’t like them. Oh, and I hope T.O. gets hit by a bus.
13. New Orleans Saints (4-4)—Evened the record with a big win overseas, as they continued their trend of scoring slightly more points than they give up. I’d make a diuretic joke here, but really, I think we need to be more concerned with the health of these players. I wouldn’t want them to think that they need to be so thin that they start wasting away. In honor of their desire to shed water weight, they can be the Dragonzord, a machine that could hear an annoying sword-flute from 10,000 feet under water and then not be waterlogged when he came to battle some 200-foot tall platypus with a cannon shaped like a guitar.
14. New York Jets (4-3)—These guys are starting to get on my fucking nerves, and it has everything to do with one player. I am of course referring to Brett Favre. I am not a Brett Favre fan, nor have I ever been. I still fondly remember Greg Lloyd knocking him into the next county in his first NFL start. I hope Brett retires to take a job as the next Lions head coach. Because they’re such an annoying team, I’m going to bestow on them the title of Blue Ranger. Yes, as you’ve already seen, repeats are allowed. The Blue Ranger was so fucking infuriating because he had the fighting skills of an 11-year old girl with gout, yet he always somehow “got the job done.” Brett Favre looked like an 11-year old quarterback for most of the Chiefs game, but somehow “got the job done.” Argh.
15. Chicago Bears (4-3)—Somehow, their problem drinker of a quarterback has turned into the Purdue version of himself and is slinging brews all over the field. This begs the question, which one of the characters from MMPR would have made the most likely problem drinker. Truth be told, I have to go with Alpha 5, that little mechanical shit. Following the orders of a disembodied floating head should have been enough to tell viewers that this guy was at least shrooming, if not worse. He probably popped off to the preparation chamber, where he got freaky with some other robots and a little Absinthe.
16. Green Bay Packers (4-3)—If the Jets, and by extension Brett Favre are the Blue Ranger, an annoying twerp, then the Packers, and by extension Aaron Rodgers, are the original, badass, evil Green Ranger, coming to sling destruction and mow down everything in their path. Fuck yeah, Aaron Rodgers.
17. San Diego Chargers (3-5)—Remember when the Rangers would really be getting their asses handed to them, even with the Green Ranger around, so they would combine all their zords and make the Ultrazord? It was a guaranteed win at that point—no enemy ever withstood the Ultrazord’s power. Funny thing was, the Ultrazord just kinda shot a bunch of random fireworks in the direction of its enemy, looking very pretty, yes, but never really doing much in the way of damage. The Chargers are the Ultrazord—except they lose.
18. Denver Broncos (4-3)—Inexplicably haven’t gone down in flames yet. But hey, my little 8-8 prediction looks better and better every day now, doesn’t it? Really, they have to be Finster, the clay monster-making guy that would have been killed by any legitimate evil being for the repeated failures of his monsters. Instead, he just kind of hung around, didn’t do much, kept making shitty monsters. So goes life in the Power Rangers universe.
19. Indianapolis Colts (3-4)—They are the entire Power Rangers show, after you hit the age of 12 and realized how stupid it all was. After it faded into oblivion, or at least was passed down to a younger generation, you were quite happy to see it gone. That’s the Colts.
20. Minnesota Vikings (3-4)—I honestly sat and tried to think of a character to apply to this team, but they were so boring, I couldn’t really think of anyone to give them. I guess let’s just make them one of the almost non-existent parents on the show, people that made a random appearance so that they could get kidnapped and their dipshit kids could dress up in spandex and save them.
21. Baltimore Ravens (4-3)—DEFINITELY Goldar. Who else on the show was more talk and less action? “Ohhh your evilness, I’ll get those Rangers this time” or “Ohhh my Lord, I will serve you without fail” or “The Rangers will be crushed” blah blah blah. It’s like hearing Terrell Suggs blather on about a bounty, and just like you always knew Goldar would fail, you know Suggs is going to have his spleen in his throat after Hines Ward puts him to sleep when the teams meet again. I fucking hate the Ravens.
22. Miami Dolphins (3-4)—Joey Porter didn’t watch no fucking Power Rangers…shit was gay.
23. Cleveland Browns (3-4)—The as-yet-uncreated Brown Ranger, who could one week be as fertile offensively as dark, rich soil, and the next week just be a huge turd.
24. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-4)—Do not deserve a Power Ranger.
25. Houston Texans (3-4)—Got a quarterback on your roster named Sage? Then you, friends, are most certainly Zordon!
26. St. Louis Rams (2-5)—In spite of their loss to the Patriots, I think that the Rams are going to be the White Ranger, because they’re going to go through the magical juvenation machine in the second half of the season and win the NFC Worst. They have too much potential not to end up being decent. Kind of like Amy Jo Johnson, the original Pink Ranger, had too much potential (NSFW!) to just do kids shows. If you would have asked me my prediction for these guys after the first four games of the season, I’d have said the franchise was more likely to fold than have the scenario I just described play out.
27. Seattle Seahawks (2-5)—Do not deserve a Power Ranger.
28. Oakland Raiders (2-5)—Silver Ranger, a little-known Ranger with a propensity for getting rid of all the other Rangers and then recruiting new ones at least three to four times every year.
29. San Francisco 49ers (2-6)—Mike Singletary alone makes them a Megazord overall, and the Ultrazord in terms of unintentional comedy potential. In fact, stay tuned later tonight, as we’ll be debuting a new, KSK-esque recurring character to the blog.
30. Kansas City Chiefs (1-6)—The Chiefs look to be on life support at this point, or maybe just dead in the water. This makes them Thuy Trang, the Yellow Ranger. And yes, I’m well aware of how tasteless this one was.
31. Detroit Lions (0-7)—Bulk.
32. Cincinnati Bengals (0-8)—Skull.
Showing posts with label Football. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Football. Show all posts
Friday, October 31, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Mighty Morphin Power Rankings, Week 6
God, power rankings are great. When I get up in the morning on a Tuesday or Wednesday, I know I'll have several outlets ready to provide me with knee-jerk, snap analysis and arbitrary rankings that have NO bearing on team success. We all know several people who don't give two shits about their team's record, but rather get quite huffy if their team isn't properly placed in the power rankings. So, in the interest of pissing more people off, Creative Differences is proud to present the first edition of the "Mighty Morphin Power Rankings."
1. Tennessee Titans (5-0): What is there to say about the Titans that isn't positive? Oh, the fact that they have no real offensive stars, no gamebreaking big play threats, and a recovering alcoholic at quarterback? With the defense they play, it's tough to find fault with them in spite of everything else.
2. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-1): This seems about right, although I am not sold on them being the second best team in the league right now. It's more a reflection of where I think they could end up at the end of the season, provided their papier-mache quarterback can stay upright long enough to keep finding receivers. A lot depends on his offensive line, though, and that's a bad thing.
3. Washington Redskins (4-2): Too high, you say? Why are they higher than a 1-loss team that beat them earlier this year? Have you started to drink the crazy juice FLS? No, I just think that when the dust settles, a loss to a winless team in a classic letdown game is a lot more palatable than a loss to a 1-3 team on Monday Night Football, especially when one loss is last second, and the other is by 3 TD's.
4. New York Giants (4-1): Tough not to be a little concerned with the way they made Derek Anderson look like Johnny Unitas and abandoned the run so early against a truly ghastly Browns team. If you're the defending champs, Monday Night Football against an inept team is a time when you're supposed to handle your business. The Jints didn't.
5. Buffalo Bills (4-1): Yes, they're coming off a bye, and their last game wasn't pretty, but this team has shown that it does too many things well to be discounted, especially if Trent Edwards is healthy. Easily the class of what's shaping up to be a very iffy division, and a team that looks to be built for playoff football.
6. Dallas Cowboys (4-2): It's awfully tough for me to put them this high, but the teams that will come behind them I find to be far more fatally flawed than the 'Boys. If they can squeak by at 2-2 without Tony Romo, they'll be just dandy to end the season on a nice 5-1 tear and stroll into the playoffs, because I just don't see the rest of that division keeping up their current pace this whole year.
7. Arizona Cardinals (4-2): Can't believe I'm putting them this high, because I really don't think they're this good, and I think the rest of the season is going to bear that out. Still, they can score on anybody, and their division is awful, so that has to be worth something at this point in the game. If Warner is hurt though, they're going to come right back to the pack.
8. Tampa Bay Bucs (4-2): There are 4-2 teams that impress me, and then there are those that don't. For whatever reason, be it Jon Gruden's dislike for Jeff Garcia, a good quarterback, or something else altogether, I simply don't believe in them as a legit division winner or playoff contender. On paper, they seem to be the strongest team in the division, but we all know that the game isn't played on paper. It's played on grass. In stadiums. In front of people.
With a ball.
9. Carolina Panthers (4-2): Another team I have a hard time believing in or figuring out. I said when they were 2-0 that the return of Steve Smith would screw them up, and they've been a pedestrian 2-2 since. I'm not sure who wants to win the NFC South, but right now they're as good a choice as any to do so.
10. Indianapolis Colts (3-2): I'm really not sure if they belong this high or not, but if Pey-Pey is indeed healthy, you can bet they'll score points. The Texans gift-wrapped a game for them, else they'd be in serious trouble for the season, but it's hard to imagine them not ending up at 12-4 or 11-5 and getting in as a wild card. Still, if Manning gets hurt, they're done.
11. Denver Broncos (4-2): There is not another team in the NFL with a winning record that I'm less impressed with than the Broncos. If they had anything approaching a defense at all, I'd be inclined to say that they could stagger into the playoffs at 10-6, but I can't see Jay Cutler and friends scoring enough points to even boost them above .500 for the season. Certainly, they won't do enough to hold off the...
12. San Diego Chargers (3-3): The Chargers are an enigma, capable of blowing up anyone in the league one week, then laying a colossal egg the next. If LT gets healthy at some point, they obviously become more formidable, but whether or not that ever happens remains to be seen. Still, they look like the best in a mediocre division.
13. New York Jets (3-2): From here on, the rankings consist mostly of teams that don't excite me as possible troublemakers for the rest of the season. The Jets seem like the third best team in a division that only has one really good team, but I'm putting them above the Patriots because they're better at the quarterback position.
14. New England Patriots (3-2): Sorry Billy, but without lil' Tommy and some "advance scouting", you and your squad are nothing more than a middle of the road bunch. Nothing to see here, people, please keep moving.
15. New Orleans Saints (3-2): The run on "New" teams continues, with a group that I think will end up winning the NFC South teetering near the bottom half of the rankings. The Vikings loss was absolutely atrocious, and wins against the Raiders should only count for half at this point.
16. Atlanta Falcons (4-2): Nice story, really, but I'd like to see a few more wins against better competition before I hand Matty Ice the keys to my heart. Shame that the Georgia Dome crowd was so sparse for the pulsating finish against the Bears, but I guess ATLiens would rather get behind a convicted felon, than a guy that, you know, seems to have a knack for winning games.
17. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-3): Still have to be kicking themselves for not taking care of business against the Steelers at home, especially when it seems that their playoff lives are very tenuous, at least at this early juncture. David Garrard doesn't look like the player he was last year, and the inability of the defense to pressure the opposing quarterback is hurting them.
18. Philadelphia Eagles (3-3): Wildly inconsistent team that I was ready to anoint a contender after they beat up the Steelers, but now am not so sure about, even coming off a 14-point win on the road. If they can't stay healthy, they've got no chance, especially when it looks like 9-7 might be good for dead last within the division.
19-21. Please put the Packers, Vikings, and Bears and their 3-3 records in any order you prefer in order to fill these spots in the rankings, because I damn sure don't have a clue what separates them.
22. Cleveland Browns (2-3): Not sure if what we saw Monday night was a mirage, but if it wasn't, the Steelers might actually have some competition for the division crown after all. Still, I'm tempted to say that it was in fact a mirage, but that's just the pessimist in me.
23. Miami Dolphins (2-3): Nowhere else to put them, really, but they certainly look like a team capable of winning 7-8 games and not being a complete embarassment. What's more, since Parcells is running the show, they'll probably be good for 11 wins and a playoff spot next year. Hope springs eternal at the bottom of the rankings for you, Dolphins fans.
24. Baltimore Ravens (2-3): They simply can't score enough to be considered even an average team. It's a shame, because the D is just so good. It's almost enough to make you feel sorry for Ray Lewis, until you realize that he's Ray Lewis.
25. Houston Texans (1-4): Should be 2-3, generally fight harder than most of the teams at the end of this list, so therefore, I'll put them above at least 1 team that has more than 1 win. Still, fighting hard doesn't exactly get you anywhere in today's NFL, now does it?
26. San Francisco 49ers (2-4): J.T. O'Sullivan is starting to look kinda ehh-ish, and that's not a good thing for a team that can use any kind of good news. Still, when Arizona is your division leader, you've always got a shot.
27. Seattle Seahawks (1-4): I'll say what everyone else says: Wasn't it just a few years ago that this team was in the Super Bowl? Just pathetic all the way around. Happy trails, Holmgren.
28. Oakland Raiders (1-4): I'd really like to put them lower, but doing things to spite Al Davis, especially when he'll never see this post, just seem a little bit unnecessary--kind of like the Lane Kiffin firing. Congratulations Raider fans, you're all stuck in hell!
29. Kansas City Chiefs (1-4): So awful. They didn't trade Tony Gonzalez, Larry Johnson is in more trouble with the law, and they just seem like they don't have anything whatsoever to look at with positive feelings. Ahh, the life of a doormat.
30. St. Louis Rams (1-4): ONLY because they have a win. Trust me though, I'm rooting for them to go 1-15 and lose every remaining game by 60 so Jim Haslett can never coach another team in any capacity ever again.
31. Cincinnati Bengals (0-6): Tough call here--the Bengals stink, but they've been marginally competitive for a few games, so we can't completely trash them. However, the next team on this list can be completely trashed, and that's why they're in the basement.
32. Detroit Lions (0-5): Traded Roy Williams, their best player, for three draft picks. Can't wait to see which 3 wide receivers they decide to pick. Still, every day where Matt Millen isn't employed by the team is a good one.
1. Tennessee Titans (5-0): What is there to say about the Titans that isn't positive? Oh, the fact that they have no real offensive stars, no gamebreaking big play threats, and a recovering alcoholic at quarterback? With the defense they play, it's tough to find fault with them in spite of everything else.
2. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-1): This seems about right, although I am not sold on them being the second best team in the league right now. It's more a reflection of where I think they could end up at the end of the season, provided their papier-mache quarterback can stay upright long enough to keep finding receivers. A lot depends on his offensive line, though, and that's a bad thing.
3. Washington Redskins (4-2): Too high, you say? Why are they higher than a 1-loss team that beat them earlier this year? Have you started to drink the crazy juice FLS? No, I just think that when the dust settles, a loss to a winless team in a classic letdown game is a lot more palatable than a loss to a 1-3 team on Monday Night Football, especially when one loss is last second, and the other is by 3 TD's.
4. New York Giants (4-1): Tough not to be a little concerned with the way they made Derek Anderson look like Johnny Unitas and abandoned the run so early against a truly ghastly Browns team. If you're the defending champs, Monday Night Football against an inept team is a time when you're supposed to handle your business. The Jints didn't.
5. Buffalo Bills (4-1): Yes, they're coming off a bye, and their last game wasn't pretty, but this team has shown that it does too many things well to be discounted, especially if Trent Edwards is healthy. Easily the class of what's shaping up to be a very iffy division, and a team that looks to be built for playoff football.
6. Dallas Cowboys (4-2): It's awfully tough for me to put them this high, but the teams that will come behind them I find to be far more fatally flawed than the 'Boys. If they can squeak by at 2-2 without Tony Romo, they'll be just dandy to end the season on a nice 5-1 tear and stroll into the playoffs, because I just don't see the rest of that division keeping up their current pace this whole year.
7. Arizona Cardinals (4-2): Can't believe I'm putting them this high, because I really don't think they're this good, and I think the rest of the season is going to bear that out. Still, they can score on anybody, and their division is awful, so that has to be worth something at this point in the game. If Warner is hurt though, they're going to come right back to the pack.
8. Tampa Bay Bucs (4-2): There are 4-2 teams that impress me, and then there are those that don't. For whatever reason, be it Jon Gruden's dislike for Jeff Garcia, a good quarterback, or something else altogether, I simply don't believe in them as a legit division winner or playoff contender. On paper, they seem to be the strongest team in the division, but we all know that the game isn't played on paper. It's played on grass. In stadiums. In front of people.
With a ball.
9. Carolina Panthers (4-2): Another team I have a hard time believing in or figuring out. I said when they were 2-0 that the return of Steve Smith would screw them up, and they've been a pedestrian 2-2 since. I'm not sure who wants to win the NFC South, but right now they're as good a choice as any to do so.
10. Indianapolis Colts (3-2): I'm really not sure if they belong this high or not, but if Pey-Pey is indeed healthy, you can bet they'll score points. The Texans gift-wrapped a game for them, else they'd be in serious trouble for the season, but it's hard to imagine them not ending up at 12-4 or 11-5 and getting in as a wild card. Still, if Manning gets hurt, they're done.
11. Denver Broncos (4-2): There is not another team in the NFL with a winning record that I'm less impressed with than the Broncos. If they had anything approaching a defense at all, I'd be inclined to say that they could stagger into the playoffs at 10-6, but I can't see Jay Cutler and friends scoring enough points to even boost them above .500 for the season. Certainly, they won't do enough to hold off the...
12. San Diego Chargers (3-3): The Chargers are an enigma, capable of blowing up anyone in the league one week, then laying a colossal egg the next. If LT gets healthy at some point, they obviously become more formidable, but whether or not that ever happens remains to be seen. Still, they look like the best in a mediocre division.
13. New York Jets (3-2): From here on, the rankings consist mostly of teams that don't excite me as possible troublemakers for the rest of the season. The Jets seem like the third best team in a division that only has one really good team, but I'm putting them above the Patriots because they're better at the quarterback position.
14. New England Patriots (3-2): Sorry Billy, but without lil' Tommy and some "advance scouting", you and your squad are nothing more than a middle of the road bunch. Nothing to see here, people, please keep moving.
15. New Orleans Saints (3-2): The run on "New" teams continues, with a group that I think will end up winning the NFC South teetering near the bottom half of the rankings. The Vikings loss was absolutely atrocious, and wins against the Raiders should only count for half at this point.
16. Atlanta Falcons (4-2): Nice story, really, but I'd like to see a few more wins against better competition before I hand Matty Ice the keys to my heart. Shame that the Georgia Dome crowd was so sparse for the pulsating finish against the Bears, but I guess ATLiens would rather get behind a convicted felon, than a guy that, you know, seems to have a knack for winning games.
17. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-3): Still have to be kicking themselves for not taking care of business against the Steelers at home, especially when it seems that their playoff lives are very tenuous, at least at this early juncture. David Garrard doesn't look like the player he was last year, and the inability of the defense to pressure the opposing quarterback is hurting them.
18. Philadelphia Eagles (3-3): Wildly inconsistent team that I was ready to anoint a contender after they beat up the Steelers, but now am not so sure about, even coming off a 14-point win on the road. If they can't stay healthy, they've got no chance, especially when it looks like 9-7 might be good for dead last within the division.
19-21. Please put the Packers, Vikings, and Bears and their 3-3 records in any order you prefer in order to fill these spots in the rankings, because I damn sure don't have a clue what separates them.
22. Cleveland Browns (2-3): Not sure if what we saw Monday night was a mirage, but if it wasn't, the Steelers might actually have some competition for the division crown after all. Still, I'm tempted to say that it was in fact a mirage, but that's just the pessimist in me.
23. Miami Dolphins (2-3): Nowhere else to put them, really, but they certainly look like a team capable of winning 7-8 games and not being a complete embarassment. What's more, since Parcells is running the show, they'll probably be good for 11 wins and a playoff spot next year. Hope springs eternal at the bottom of the rankings for you, Dolphins fans.
24. Baltimore Ravens (2-3): They simply can't score enough to be considered even an average team. It's a shame, because the D is just so good. It's almost enough to make you feel sorry for Ray Lewis, until you realize that he's Ray Lewis.
25. Houston Texans (1-4): Should be 2-3, generally fight harder than most of the teams at the end of this list, so therefore, I'll put them above at least 1 team that has more than 1 win. Still, fighting hard doesn't exactly get you anywhere in today's NFL, now does it?
26. San Francisco 49ers (2-4): J.T. O'Sullivan is starting to look kinda ehh-ish, and that's not a good thing for a team that can use any kind of good news. Still, when Arizona is your division leader, you've always got a shot.
27. Seattle Seahawks (1-4): I'll say what everyone else says: Wasn't it just a few years ago that this team was in the Super Bowl? Just pathetic all the way around. Happy trails, Holmgren.
28. Oakland Raiders (1-4): I'd really like to put them lower, but doing things to spite Al Davis, especially when he'll never see this post, just seem a little bit unnecessary--kind of like the Lane Kiffin firing. Congratulations Raider fans, you're all stuck in hell!
29. Kansas City Chiefs (1-4): So awful. They didn't trade Tony Gonzalez, Larry Johnson is in more trouble with the law, and they just seem like they don't have anything whatsoever to look at with positive feelings. Ahh, the life of a doormat.
30. St. Louis Rams (1-4): ONLY because they have a win. Trust me though, I'm rooting for them to go 1-15 and lose every remaining game by 60 so Jim Haslett can never coach another team in any capacity ever again.
31. Cincinnati Bengals (0-6): Tough call here--the Bengals stink, but they've been marginally competitive for a few games, so we can't completely trash them. However, the next team on this list can be completely trashed, and that's why they're in the basement.
32. Detroit Lions (0-5): Traded Roy Williams, their best player, for three draft picks. Can't wait to see which 3 wide receivers they decide to pick. Still, every day where Matt Millen isn't employed by the team is a good one.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
The Untitled Football Project v2
Oh hey there, it's me, FLS, your happy recapper! Without further ado, let's talk week 4, shall we?
The Bills did what Bison typically do to Rams, that being run them over. Except these bison were exceptionally thorough in their demolition, in that they got Scott Linehan fired. (PS: I told you it wouldn't be long, Scott!) This firing will be good for precisely 1 total win this year for the Rams. Meanwhile, the Bills are 4-0 and I'll be damned if that's not impressive.
In Tennesse, the Titans also moved to 4-0, beating up on the Vikings and making people forget that their franchise quarterback is a basketcase with a bum knee. If this keeps up, the Titans might win an actual game in the playoffs! Oh, and Gus Frerotte got hurt--so the Vikings are totally fucked now.
The fightin' Matt Ryans fell to 2-2, after getting punched in the mouth by Steve Smith and the Panthers. Carolina is now 3-1 and Chris Berman should be saying, "Daylight come and you gotta Delhomme" enough pretty soon to make anyone queasy.
Denver lost by 14 to Kansas City and holy hell do I look like a raging genius for what I said last week. 8-8 indeed. Oh, and Larry Johnson rediscovered professional football again too. He should be back to his best sport, pouting, in a few days.
New Orleans beat on J.T. O'Sullivan and the 49ers, effectively bringing them back to earth but doing nothing to make me think that a)they're a good team and b)the 49ers aren't going to win the NFC west anyway.
The Jets put up fif...BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE WHAT A CANNON STILL GOT HIS FASTBALL TOUGHEST PLAYER IN THE GAME A TRUE LEGEND WHAT A GUNSLINGER HE JUST LOVES TO PLAY FOOTBALL WHAT A COMPETITOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
The Bucs beat the Packers, with Matt Bryant providing the winning points. I am sending nothing but sympathy to the man and his family. Period.
Jacksonville took down Houston in OT, evening their record, and setting the stage for a 3-game winning streak, because the Steelers will be forced to dress random fans for their Sunday night showdown this week.
Cleveland and Cincinnati set football back 50 years. I refuse to tell you who won, because everyone that watched or participated in this game was a loser.
Kyle Orton put down the bottle of Jack Daniels long enough to guide Ditka to a surprising win over the Eagles. The Eagles fans are now convinced their team is going to go 2-14 this season.
The Steelers beat the Ravens in OT, in a game I will have plenty more to say about in my next post. Seriously, I'll write a lot more words in general about it. Maybe even throw in some pictures, you greedy spoiled bastards.
Washington topped Dallas, in Dallas, and Terrell Owens started the laborious process of alienating an entire fanbase and team anew. There is only one logical spot for this piece of cancer and phlegm to go in his career, and it's...
Oakland, a team that blew another lead and lost to Whale's Vagina. Only in Oakland could T.O. co-exist peacefully, primarily because Al Davis is the only other person associated in any way, shape or form with the NFL who is more unlikable than T.O. Well, except for Jim Richards, that ball boy for the Cardinals. What a fucker. Anyway, Davis fired his promising young coach, Lane Kiffin, and said he wouldn't pay him the remainder of the contract, either, because that same ploy worked so well years ago with Mike Shanahan. Al Davis is so far the only owner I know of to run a team with one and a half feet in the grave. I cannot wait until he is dead. Plain and simple.
FAKE E-MAIL OF THE WEEK
"Hi there, FLS. Just wondering what you'd suggest for a guy in my situation. I'm talented but aging, revered by many and reviled by some, and I might have lost a step, but most announcers and media types tell me I can still play. So what would you do if you were me? Keep playing? Or quit while I'm ahead?"
--Brett F., New York, NY
"Hey Brett, easy solution for you. Cut off your arms and legs. This therapy is a great way to reduce temptation."
FUCK YOU OF THE WEEK
Fuck you, Al Davis and Terrell Owens. Al, you're a decrepit sack of piss, with no idea whatsoever how to run a football team. I can't wait to watch your press conference today, only because there's about a 10% chance you'll die during it. And that would be sweet. And fuck you, Terrell Owens. Before you start calling out teammates and destroying a Super Bowl favorite, perhaps you should focus on catching the ball on a regular basis, seeing as you've never been good at it. I would laugh and laugh and laugh if you tore up both knees while trying to go after one of your teammates. Really, I would. And I'd laugh even harder if, immediately after this happened, you were hit by a bus and then consumed whole by a gang of angry fire ants.
UNRELATED ITEM OF THE WEEK
Human Tetris. Watch and enjoy.
The Bills did what Bison typically do to Rams, that being run them over. Except these bison were exceptionally thorough in their demolition, in that they got Scott Linehan fired. (PS: I told you it wouldn't be long, Scott!) This firing will be good for precisely 1 total win this year for the Rams. Meanwhile, the Bills are 4-0 and I'll be damned if that's not impressive.
In Tennesse, the Titans also moved to 4-0, beating up on the Vikings and making people forget that their franchise quarterback is a basketcase with a bum knee. If this keeps up, the Titans might win an actual game in the playoffs! Oh, and Gus Frerotte got hurt--so the Vikings are totally fucked now.
The fightin' Matt Ryans fell to 2-2, after getting punched in the mouth by Steve Smith and the Panthers. Carolina is now 3-1 and Chris Berman should be saying, "Daylight come and you gotta Delhomme" enough pretty soon to make anyone queasy.
Denver lost by 14 to Kansas City and holy hell do I look like a raging genius for what I said last week. 8-8 indeed. Oh, and Larry Johnson rediscovered professional football again too. He should be back to his best sport, pouting, in a few days.
New Orleans beat on J.T. O'Sullivan and the 49ers, effectively bringing them back to earth but doing nothing to make me think that a)they're a good team and b)the 49ers aren't going to win the NFC west anyway.
The Jets put up fif...BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE BRETT FAVRE WHAT A CANNON STILL GOT HIS FASTBALL TOUGHEST PLAYER IN THE GAME A TRUE LEGEND WHAT A GUNSLINGER HE JUST LOVES TO PLAY FOOTBALL WHAT A COMPETITOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
The Bucs beat the Packers, with Matt Bryant providing the winning points. I am sending nothing but sympathy to the man and his family. Period.
Jacksonville took down Houston in OT, evening their record, and setting the stage for a 3-game winning streak, because the Steelers will be forced to dress random fans for their Sunday night showdown this week.
Cleveland and Cincinnati set football back 50 years. I refuse to tell you who won, because everyone that watched or participated in this game was a loser.
Kyle Orton put down the bottle of Jack Daniels long enough to guide Ditka to a surprising win over the Eagles. The Eagles fans are now convinced their team is going to go 2-14 this season.
The Steelers beat the Ravens in OT, in a game I will have plenty more to say about in my next post. Seriously, I'll write a lot more words in general about it. Maybe even throw in some pictures, you greedy spoiled bastards.
Washington topped Dallas, in Dallas, and Terrell Owens started the laborious process of alienating an entire fanbase and team anew. There is only one logical spot for this piece of cancer and phlegm to go in his career, and it's...
Oakland, a team that blew another lead and lost to Whale's Vagina. Only in Oakland could T.O. co-exist peacefully, primarily because Al Davis is the only other person associated in any way, shape or form with the NFL who is more unlikable than T.O. Well, except for Jim Richards, that ball boy for the Cardinals. What a fucker. Anyway, Davis fired his promising young coach, Lane Kiffin, and said he wouldn't pay him the remainder of the contract, either, because that same ploy worked so well years ago with Mike Shanahan. Al Davis is so far the only owner I know of to run a team with one and a half feet in the grave. I cannot wait until he is dead. Plain and simple.
FAKE E-MAIL OF THE WEEK
"Hi there, FLS. Just wondering what you'd suggest for a guy in my situation. I'm talented but aging, revered by many and reviled by some, and I might have lost a step, but most announcers and media types tell me I can still play. So what would you do if you were me? Keep playing? Or quit while I'm ahead?"
--Brett F., New York, NY
"Hey Brett, easy solution for you. Cut off your arms and legs. This therapy is a great way to reduce temptation."
FUCK YOU OF THE WEEK
Fuck you, Al Davis and Terrell Owens. Al, you're a decrepit sack of piss, with no idea whatsoever how to run a football team. I can't wait to watch your press conference today, only because there's about a 10% chance you'll die during it. And that would be sweet. And fuck you, Terrell Owens. Before you start calling out teammates and destroying a Super Bowl favorite, perhaps you should focus on catching the ball on a regular basis, seeing as you've never been good at it. I would laugh and laugh and laugh if you tore up both knees while trying to go after one of your teammates. Really, I would. And I'd laugh even harder if, immediately after this happened, you were hit by a bus and then consumed whole by a gang of angry fire ants.
UNRELATED ITEM OF THE WEEK
Human Tetris. Watch and enjoy.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
A Column About the NFL
Hi, how are you? Good? That's great. I had a poor weekend, because I got belligerently drunk on Saturday and watched my team lose on Sunday. With that all out of the way, let's talk about this past week in the NFL, shall we?
The Bills? They're a surprising 3-0. This is presumably due to the fact that Lane Kiffin found it difficult to coach from ahead while the Sword of Damocles was looming over his head in the wizened figure of Al "I don't know anything about football anymore, but shh don't tell anyone" Davis. Good for the Bills though, they're giving their fans something to cheer about before they become the Toronto Aboots in a few years.
The Chargers pounded the snot out of the Brett Favres on MNF, cementing their reputation as a team that starts slow, looks impressive, and then fizzles out in the playoffs. Yes, I'm already assuming a crushing post-season loss.
The Browns looked horrendous in losing to the Ravens, and that's really all I'm going to say about that. The Brady Quinn era is just around the corner, and we can all be certain that no city outside of Cleveland is more excited about this than San Francisco. Yes, that was an obvious joke. No, I don't feel shame because of it.
The Cowboys dismantled the Packers in Green Bay and look like the team to beat in the NFL right now. I just threw up several times in my mouth thinking about that. Paging Jessica Simpson to the luxury box!
The Titans smoked the Texans, and Vince Young cried a little bit less today, so really, no one had a bad day in Tennessee, now did they?
The Jaguars saved their season with a last-second win over the Colts. The Colts aren't really that good this year, and neither are the Jaguars. I'm not quite sure I'm ready for another Kerry Collins-led Super Bowl contender, though. We all know how things went for him last time he got there.
Minnesota beat Carolina, to the surprise of no one. Minnesota is still not a good football team, also to the surprise of no one.
The Patriots' regular season winning streak came to an end, as Ronnie Brown proved that he might just be the solution to the Dolphins' quarterback problems. Joey Porter talked a lot.
The Redskins beat the Cardinals. Matt Leinart fucked three 18-year old co-eds and Brenda Warner on the sideline. Good game for Matt.
The Steelers lost to the Eagles, and Ben Roethlisberger got sacked many times. Ben Roethlisberger is something of a pansy. The Steelers' coaches have also never heard of a screen pass, draw play, or three step drop.
The Broncos won again, making their eventual 8-8 finish only slightly harder to fathom, but just as realistic and inevitable.
Kansas City got crushed. Who even cares? It was by the Falcons, by the way. But no one cares about that, either.
Seattle destroyed St. Louis and San Francisco did the same to Detroit. Someone should tell fans of those teams that wins over JV squads don't count towards your overall record.
Cincinnati and Chicago both lost in overtime. Tampa Bay and the New York Giants both won in overtime. But WHO PLAYED WHO? This is up to you, dear reader, to figure out.
FAKE E-MAIL OF THE WEEK
"Hey FLS, long time reader, first time fake e-mailer: My question is, what do you know about resumes? I'm trying to put together a good one, but I just don't know if I have good enough material or what. Can you help? Thanks so much."
--Scott L., St. Louis
Hey Scott, no, sorry, I can't. Thanks for playing, and don't worry, it'll only be a few more weeks.
FUCK YOU OF THE WEEK
Fuck you, Steelers offensive coaches. Apparently you thought it was cool to see your $100 million investment on his ass all day. As if a hangnail isn't enough for him to complain and moan for weeks on end. Next time, let's try and expand the playbook past original Tecmo Bowl levels. Thanks.
Remember people: This is a work in progress. Promise it'll be better next week.
The Bills? They're a surprising 3-0. This is presumably due to the fact that Lane Kiffin found it difficult to coach from ahead while the Sword of Damocles was looming over his head in the wizened figure of Al "I don't know anything about football anymore, but shh don't tell anyone" Davis. Good for the Bills though, they're giving their fans something to cheer about before they become the Toronto Aboots in a few years.
The Chargers pounded the snot out of the Brett Favres on MNF, cementing their reputation as a team that starts slow, looks impressive, and then fizzles out in the playoffs. Yes, I'm already assuming a crushing post-season loss.
The Browns looked horrendous in losing to the Ravens, and that's really all I'm going to say about that. The Brady Quinn era is just around the corner, and we can all be certain that no city outside of Cleveland is more excited about this than San Francisco. Yes, that was an obvious joke. No, I don't feel shame because of it.
The Cowboys dismantled the Packers in Green Bay and look like the team to beat in the NFL right now. I just threw up several times in my mouth thinking about that. Paging Jessica Simpson to the luxury box!
The Titans smoked the Texans, and Vince Young cried a little bit less today, so really, no one had a bad day in Tennessee, now did they?
The Jaguars saved their season with a last-second win over the Colts. The Colts aren't really that good this year, and neither are the Jaguars. I'm not quite sure I'm ready for another Kerry Collins-led Super Bowl contender, though. We all know how things went for him last time he got there.
Minnesota beat Carolina, to the surprise of no one. Minnesota is still not a good football team, also to the surprise of no one.
The Patriots' regular season winning streak came to an end, as Ronnie Brown proved that he might just be the solution to the Dolphins' quarterback problems. Joey Porter talked a lot.
The Redskins beat the Cardinals. Matt Leinart fucked three 18-year old co-eds and Brenda Warner on the sideline. Good game for Matt.
The Steelers lost to the Eagles, and Ben Roethlisberger got sacked many times. Ben Roethlisberger is something of a pansy. The Steelers' coaches have also never heard of a screen pass, draw play, or three step drop.
The Broncos won again, making their eventual 8-8 finish only slightly harder to fathom, but just as realistic and inevitable.
Kansas City got crushed. Who even cares? It was by the Falcons, by the way. But no one cares about that, either.
Seattle destroyed St. Louis and San Francisco did the same to Detroit. Someone should tell fans of those teams that wins over JV squads don't count towards your overall record.
Cincinnati and Chicago both lost in overtime. Tampa Bay and the New York Giants both won in overtime. But WHO PLAYED WHO? This is up to you, dear reader, to figure out.
FAKE E-MAIL OF THE WEEK
"Hey FLS, long time reader, first time fake e-mailer: My question is, what do you know about resumes? I'm trying to put together a good one, but I just don't know if I have good enough material or what. Can you help? Thanks so much."
--Scott L., St. Louis
Hey Scott, no, sorry, I can't. Thanks for playing, and don't worry, it'll only be a few more weeks.
FUCK YOU OF THE WEEK
Fuck you, Steelers offensive coaches. Apparently you thought it was cool to see your $100 million investment on his ass all day. As if a hangnail isn't enough for him to complain and moan for weeks on end. Next time, let's try and expand the playbook past original Tecmo Bowl levels. Thanks.
Remember people: This is a work in progress. Promise it'll be better next week.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Again? Another "Rivalry" Game? Ah Fuck
Well, I suppose I've got to do this all over again. Yes, by "this" I mean, "Get up for another 'rivalry' game against a team I really couldn't give two and a half shits about."
This week, the Pittsburgh Steelers travel the other direction on the turnpike (Fly Southwest) to face the Philadelphia Eagles of Greater New Jersey. Already, I've gotten e-mails from former co-workers in Philadelphia with such clever subject lines like, "F the Steelers" and "fuck the steelers". Needless to say, with putdowns like that, my self-esteem has been taking quite the beating. Just like last week's soiree in Cleveland, I find myself having trouble taking this game seriously and treating it with appropriate levels of animosity and froth.
Certainly, it's a big game for the Steelers. Every game in the NFL is big. Sure, it's not as big of a game as it would be if they were 0-2 (Hi Cleveland!) or 1-1 (You too, Philly!), but it's a big game nonetheless. Much has been made by people who don't have anything better to do, namely some of my colleagues, that the Steelers haven't won in Philly since roughly the Kennedy administration. This is amazing, and entirely pertinent to this week's contest, as most of the players on both sides were in diapers the last time the Steelers played a regular-season game in the 216. At least, that's probably true. I didn't actually bother to do any research to back that general claim. Know why? I don't care about this game very much.
If the Steelers lose, so what? I put up with a few asinine statements by Philly people for a few days, Brother Love posts something on this blog, 10 people read it, I go on with my life, etc. If the Steelers win, the same thing applies. I don't write about it, because, whoop dee fucking doo, the Steelers are 3-0 and in first place, and really I've got much better things to do with that knowledge than taunt the less fortunate. And believe me, Philly and its citizens are less fortunate. I've never been to a more depressing place on earth (for all you taking notes, this is in fact the part of the post where I begin to bash Philly, but I try to make it subtle and unexpected so that, by the time I'm talking about how residents of Levittown and surrounding communities fuck sheep, you're awfully surprised to see something so profane in such an otherwise lukewarm article).
It's not just that Philly is bordered on one side by a vast, barren wasteland, known to the locals as "New Jersey", it's that it's bordered on the south side and west side by two even more dire places--Delaware (gasp) and suburban eastern Pennsylvania, two places where hope goes to die, or at least have 94% of the life choked out of it. The real thing that sets Philadelphia apart from other shit holes of the country is the attitude adopted by its people, also known as "Philadelphians".
Don't worry kids, Pennsauken's right over that next rise!
The Philadelphian is a pitiable wretch. In most cases, the average Philadelphian will attempt to dodge the actual nature of their relationship to the city, preferring to say, "Oh, I'm from outside of Philly." This phrase, of course, is akin to hearing a woman say, "Oh, I haven't had an outbreak in months." If they're from "outside Philly", they'd damn well better be from Harrisburg, or else I don't want to know them. I wouldn't admit where I was actually from, either, if my town was mainly known for its epic sports failures, propensity for mass aggravated assault, murders, and general proximity to New Jersey.
Just another mayor in waiting
It's easy to feel sorry for Philadelphia, a city that, despite having some damn good food, interesting cultural and historical landmarks, and a few very scenic places, will always be known for chalk outlines, miserable failure, idiot drivers, Angelo Cataldi (someone please shoot this man, along with the rest of the WIP staff), and some fat fuck named "El Wingador", whose picture I won't post, because people with eyes read this blog, and I want to be considerate to them. Yes, it's easy to feel sorry, but I won't, since I don't live there anymore, and have no intention of ever going back, so help me god.
Philly is an armpit, a rectum, a place that should rightfully be walled off and slowly starved to death. It is a stain on America, just like the rest of the eastern seaboard.
Other than that, it's great!
Steelers, 34-21
This week, the Pittsburgh Steelers travel the other direction on the turnpike (Fly Southwest) to face the Philadelphia Eagles of Greater New Jersey. Already, I've gotten e-mails from former co-workers in Philadelphia with such clever subject lines like, "F the Steelers" and "fuck the steelers". Needless to say, with putdowns like that, my self-esteem has been taking quite the beating. Just like last week's soiree in Cleveland, I find myself having trouble taking this game seriously and treating it with appropriate levels of animosity and froth.
Certainly, it's a big game for the Steelers. Every game in the NFL is big. Sure, it's not as big of a game as it would be if they were 0-2 (Hi Cleveland!) or 1-1 (You too, Philly!), but it's a big game nonetheless. Much has been made by people who don't have anything better to do, namely some of my colleagues, that the Steelers haven't won in Philly since roughly the Kennedy administration. This is amazing, and entirely pertinent to this week's contest, as most of the players on both sides were in diapers the last time the Steelers played a regular-season game in the 216. At least, that's probably true. I didn't actually bother to do any research to back that general claim. Know why? I don't care about this game very much.
If the Steelers lose, so what? I put up with a few asinine statements by Philly people for a few days, Brother Love posts something on this blog, 10 people read it, I go on with my life, etc. If the Steelers win, the same thing applies. I don't write about it, because, whoop dee fucking doo, the Steelers are 3-0 and in first place, and really I've got much better things to do with that knowledge than taunt the less fortunate. And believe me, Philly and its citizens are less fortunate. I've never been to a more depressing place on earth (for all you taking notes, this is in fact the part of the post where I begin to bash Philly, but I try to make it subtle and unexpected so that, by the time I'm talking about how residents of Levittown and surrounding communities fuck sheep, you're awfully surprised to see something so profane in such an otherwise lukewarm article).
It's not just that Philly is bordered on one side by a vast, barren wasteland, known to the locals as "New Jersey", it's that it's bordered on the south side and west side by two even more dire places--Delaware (gasp) and suburban eastern Pennsylvania, two places where hope goes to die, or at least have 94% of the life choked out of it. The real thing that sets Philadelphia apart from other shit holes of the country is the attitude adopted by its people, also known as "Philadelphians".
Don't worry kids, Pennsauken's right over that next rise!
The Philadelphian is a pitiable wretch. In most cases, the average Philadelphian will attempt to dodge the actual nature of their relationship to the city, preferring to say, "Oh, I'm from outside of Philly." This phrase, of course, is akin to hearing a woman say, "Oh, I haven't had an outbreak in months." If they're from "outside Philly", they'd damn well better be from Harrisburg, or else I don't want to know them. I wouldn't admit where I was actually from, either, if my town was mainly known for its epic sports failures, propensity for mass aggravated assault, murders, and general proximity to New Jersey.
Just another mayor in waiting
It's easy to feel sorry for Philadelphia, a city that, despite having some damn good food, interesting cultural and historical landmarks, and a few very scenic places, will always be known for chalk outlines, miserable failure, idiot drivers, Angelo Cataldi (someone please shoot this man, along with the rest of the WIP staff), and some fat fuck named "El Wingador", whose picture I won't post, because people with eyes read this blog, and I want to be considerate to them. Yes, it's easy to feel sorry, but I won't, since I don't live there anymore, and have no intention of ever going back, so help me god.
Philly is an armpit, a rectum, a place that should rightfully be walled off and slowly starved to death. It is a stain on America, just like the rest of the eastern seaboard.
Other than that, it's great!
Steelers, 34-21
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
And Now for Something Probably the Same as Everything Else
As part of Creative Differences' ongoing effort to create content that is more streamlined, soulless, and devoid of any real emotion or originality, I'll be contributing a weekly (let's go with Tuesday) column all about the NFL. And by NFL, I mean the Steelers. It'll be like DJMJ's ABC's column, only not as good (that means it'll REALLY suck--just kidding Mom Jeans). It'll also be like a Peter King MMQB column, except I'll never talk about coffee, things I "learned" about football that I didn't know before, or any of that other shit that you'd expect to find in a book from a sorority reading list.
This column will not be a weekly voyage of self-discovery where you, the reader, and I, the asshole try to help each other better understand the goings-on of your favorite team with a gay mascot. It's really just going to be an opportunity for me to put more words on the site so that it looks better to Google. Perhaps someone other than the other authors of this blog can even comment on it once in awhile so that it looks like we have more than 10 readers. I promise not to pontificate about stuff you don't care about. I promise that when I run out of Steelers stuff to write about, I'll think of something really funny to post, or I'll just put up a picture of a hot chick.
I'm not asking much from you, dear reader(s). All I want is a chance to make a mediocre column that you can sorta kinda maybe enjoy at least til the part 2/3 of the way through reading that I'll sorta kinda maybe enjoy at least til I run out of ideas writing. Get all that? Good, then you're ready for tonight's first ever edition of...
THE COLUMN WITHOUT A NAME (Catchy Suggestions Welcome!)
This column will not be a weekly voyage of self-discovery where you, the reader, and I, the asshole try to help each other better understand the goings-on of your favorite team with a gay mascot. It's really just going to be an opportunity for me to put more words on the site so that it looks better to Google. Perhaps someone other than the other authors of this blog can even comment on it once in awhile so that it looks like we have more than 10 readers. I promise not to pontificate about stuff you don't care about. I promise that when I run out of Steelers stuff to write about, I'll think of something really funny to post, or I'll just put up a picture of a hot chick.
I'm not asking much from you, dear reader(s). All I want is a chance to make a mediocre column that you can sorta kinda maybe enjoy at least til the part 2/3 of the way through reading that I'll sorta kinda maybe enjoy at least til I run out of ideas writing. Get all that? Good, then you're ready for tonight's first ever edition of...
THE COLUMN WITHOUT A NAME (Catchy Suggestions Welcome!)
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