10. People That Hate Steelers Fans:
Great, I get it, you don't like me, or anyone else that roots for the team. Why? Because we're all bandwagon-jumpers, have awful looking mullets, have a bad habit of having our most unattractive representatives show up in pictures that end up on the Internet, and blah blah blah. Do yourself a favor and take an acid bath, shithead. Hate on people that decided to like the Steelers because they happen to be good all you want, but realize that those people comprise about 0.6% of the fanbase. Know why the Patriots and their fans suck? Because they legitimately didn't give a shit about the team until 2001. It's a fact, and don't challenge me on that, because I made it up, so I know it's true. Honestly though, don't diss Steelers fans that grew up here and have loved the team all their lives, don't diss people that moved out of the city for better jobs and still love the team, and most of all, ease up a little on the city itself, because it's not nearly as barren a wasteland as some make it out to be. It's bad, but it ain't Philadelphia bad. Most Steelers fans are only too happy to bring up the Tommy Maddox Era, the Kordell Stewart years, and the one season (it was 2000) where we actually thought Kent Graham was the answer. Think about that. Kent Graham. Kent Graham might be able to beat a sloth in a race. Emphasis on might. Unless it was a Mexican sloth. He could totally take one of those lazy shits. We like our team because it's very well-run, classy, refuses to cater to prima donna players, and gives the city and its people their collective money's worth, year in and year out. That is to say, the Steelers are the polar opposite of the Pirates. Live in Cleveland? New Orleans? Detroit? You have truly suffered, because you, as a fanbase, have not even come close to getting to call your favorite team World Champs. You can hate us, but otherwise, get fucked.
9. Sleeping Through Your Alarm
You might think this is an odd thing to hate. I disagree. If you know me, it's probably shocking, but I've been attempting to make a concerted attempt at self-improvement. The one change I've been trying to make that I think would get the ball rolling on everything else is waking up on time and going to the gym early in the morning. I can go any time of day, because I work from home, but going in the morning would make me infinitely more productive. In theory, this wouldn't be so hard to pull off--set phone alarm for 6:30 (not even that early of a wakeup), set back-up alarm for 6:40, and go to sleep. Thing is, I TURN THE FUCKING ALARM OFF IN MY SLEEP WITH REGULARITY. Aside from that, sometimes I wake up and go, "Ahh, it's not worth it." Yes, it IS worth it, you fat fuck. Wake up wake up wake up wake up god DAMNIT. Naturally, tomorrow morning I'll do the same motherfucking thing I always do, bank on it. Can't wait to wake up at 9:50 and feel like an even bigger waste of space than usual.
8. The Economy
I don't profess to know jack shit about how to fix the economy. All I know is that I'm bouncing from freelance job to freelance job while I wait for my slow-developing meal ticket to grow and set me on a worthwhile course. However, the economy still blows, if only because I have to get nervous about my bills and all that other shit. Other people are the ones that are really suffering, and I do feel bad for them. Except for the higher-ups of the Big 3. Make better fucking cars and maybe I'll start to buy them. Sorry, it's just the truth. Until then, it's Honda for me. Still, the economy sucks because it's preventing my little meal-ticket side job from yielding a full-time, super fun, pretty damn decently paying position. If this were three or four years ago, I'd be in good shape. I'm not. The economy can eat a bag of fucking dicks. Make that flaming fucking dicks, I really hate the economy.
7. Sales Managers
One upside to the shitty economy is finding out that people you dislike or even hate have lost their jobs, which were higher paying than yours. This is mostly funny because those people have a livelihood and a standard of living they need to maintain, and now they can't do it. This was the case with my last (and first real) boss, who just recently lost his job. Connect the dots and you'll realize that I used to work for Clear Channel, and you'll feel bad for me. If only my boss's boss would have lost his job too, then number 8 would not be on this list, because it would be a bringer of happiness for me. Sales managers really blow because they are ignorant to the outside world. If I had a dollar every time one of my sales managers told me that a recession was the best time to sell, I'd have been able to quit sales. The worst part is that these people seem to believe their own horseshit. Guess what numbnuts, a recession is in fact the WORST time to sell. Why? Because no one's making money and the advertising budgets are the first thing to go. Know the best time to sell? When the economy is strong, because people are spending. Even this fact is exploited by the appropriately atrocious manager. Doing well with sales, even though you weren't sure you could? Guess what, cocksniffer--you're not doing well enough. See Bob over there? He sold THREE TIMES AS MUCH AS YOU. I HAVE HALF A MIND TO LET BOB BEND YOUR GIRLFRIEND OVER HIS DESK WHILE YOU WATCH, EYELIDS STAPLED OPEN. That's a sales manager. Oh, one important rule of thumb to remember is that all male sales managers (at least, the dickish ones) are no taller than 5'7". Oh, and they'll always have an almost unfathomable amount of misplaced self-confidence. It's legitimately maddening, but it does make it that much sweeter when they're unceremoniously dumped by the company, which shows that, just like you, they're an expendable pawn. I honestly don't know of one person in sales that actually likes their manager.
6. Watching non-HD Programming on an HD TV
I bought an HD TV about 2 months ago. This was a pretty big deal, as I'd been wanting one for awhile, and finally could afford to pull the trigger. For the most part, this has been a wonderful development in my life. Except of course, when channels that are HD-capable show programming in standard definition. I'm looking at you, ESPN family of networks. Your HD quality is oh so sweet, it's like watching all the pretty colors have sexy time together. WHY THEN, DO YOU TAUNT ME BY PUTTING ON A MARQUEE COLLEGE BASKETBALL GAME IN 480p? Jesus Christ, I understand that it's the cameras that you shoot the sports on that determine the way the pretty picture comes into my TV, and I'm sure that those cameras are expensive, but you're ESPN, you just bought like all the bowl games you didn't have, and you now own most of everything. Like, you've probably even got stake in TGI Fridays. Therefore, please show all programming in HD, except for Around the Horn. You can discontinue that abortion of a program at your earliest convenience. If I can watch my sports in high def, I'd feel a lot less like one of the poor people. And that, friends, is a goal worth striving for. Come on ESPN, I usually don't have any problem with you. Step up to the dish on this one. Oh, and you can actually refrain from showing women's basketball in HD. In fact, you might be inclined to make sure your test patterns work whenever you get the urge to put one of those games on TV.
5. Salt on the Roads
I live in Pittsburgh, so obviously I have to deal with snow. This is just a fact of life that I'll have to deal with until I have enough money to control the weather. Since that's at least another two or three years off, I have to deal with the snow, and more importantly, the salt on the roads. It's always nice to know that any time I go on the highway my windshield is bound to be covered by a thick layer of sodium chloride in approximately 4 seconds. This makes me approximately equal to Stevie Wonder in terms of driving ability. I go through at least 10 bottles of windshield wiper fluid per season, mainly because my wipers suck too. The best part is, all this salt is on the road, and half of the time, it never snows. And since it's cold here, the rain that would wash the salt away ends up being snow. And, this snow only comes when there somehow isn't salt on the road, so that driving is a huge bitch anyway. Oh, I forgot that salt eats away at my paint job, and coats my shoes, jeans, and the mats of my car for approximately one third of the year. Yeah, salt is a huge bitch for me.
4. Cold Weather
I like to think I'm hale and hearty, but really, what fun is life when you walk outside and get hit in the face with a blast of arctic air? Not a whole fucking lot, I'll tell you. Cold weather is the only reason that number 5 on this list exists, as well as number 9. I'd be a hell of a lot more willing to wake up early if it was 70 degrees out and I had a tee time for 6:50. As it is, on the rare day that I can wake up when I want to, I see that it's still dark out and I can feel the cold through my windows. Makes that bed seem pretty fucking appealing. People in Chicago, Minneapolis and Boston--I don't know how you do it. Bostonites, I hope it only gets colder and colder where you live. Global warming can't get here soon enough. To help speed things along, I'll be burning all my trash from now on, and trying to leave a brontosaurus-sized carbon footprint. Hopefully, if everyone follows my lead, we'll all live in the tropics soon, and I won't have to worry about my car starting in the morning.
3. That Pussycat Dolls Song
I'm not going to bother to look up what the actual name of it is, because I don't care, and it's a horrible song. I have an iPod, and an attachment to play it in my car, and if you put a gun to my head and told me to name my favorite kind of music, I'd say rock. Yet for some reason, I listen to the two Top 40 stations in town a disproportionate amount of time. I wish I knew why this was. Whenever I hear "We're drivin' slow in the snow down Fifth Avenue" one part of my brain tells me to find a chainsaw and hack off my ears with it, and one part can't turn the dial. The lyrics couldn't be any dumber, and when the one chick in the group that can "sing" starts to wail, I'm pretty sure she's supposed to be saying something about the world slowing down and her heart beating faster, but all I hear is the sound of a baby screaming while twenty-seven cats scratch chalkboards simultaneously. Yes, she's nice to look at, as are the rest of the Pussycat Dolls, but so are most high-end prostitutes, and they don't try to sing. Oh wait, bad example. Anyway, the biggest problem I have with this song is that, as terrible as it is, I CAN'T TURN IT OFF. It's like an addiction to a drug that doesn't even give you a high, but still makes you feel dirty and shitty after taking it. Kind of like White Tavern vodka. I guess that means that I kind of suck too, but since I buried this admission this far down in the post, none of you will see this rare self-effacing moment, and my reputation will be intact.
2. Hot N' Cold (aka, That Fucking Katy Perry Song)
I kissed a girl and I liked it. Had sex with one too. That was also nice. However, if I'd made a song about it, no one would have said a fucking word. Also, if I'd made a song that went, "I kissed a boy and I liked it," people would call me a fucking queer and make Lance Bass jokes. Hell, I'd be making fun of myself. So, to review, Katy Perry is famous because of a gimmick song that glorified something that most red-blooded men (and a hell of a lot of women) find titillating. Ironically, my best friend, who is bisexual, says that this song is huge in gay clubs, and try as she might, she can't make everyone see that Ms. Perry is kind of taunting gay people. Whatever. At least that song was a mildly original, risque concept to try out. Hot N' Cold sounds like it was composed by a toddler with ADHD. The beat is painfully simple, painfully stupid, and makes me want to put several bullets in my head at once. Again, however, I can't turn the damn song off. I'm hopeful that after hearing it a few more times, which would bring the total count to about 847, I'll be sick of it and will turn it off every single time I start to hear the childlike beginning. Amazing that something with only three or four fucking notes can be so stupidly addicting. I can hear the brain cells evacuating when I make the conscious decision to keep listening.
1. Saul Smith
I'll readily admit that I wrote this post for one reason, and it was one that I'm sure everyone can relate to. I was riding in my car and just starting thinking about how awful of a college basketball player Saul Smith was. Not everyone does that with their spare time? Then everyone can eat dick and die. I thought about it all the way through writing this post, and then when I googled him, I realized he was even worse than I thought. This is impressive, because I remember watching Saul Smith and thinking, "This is what it looks like when a Division III caliber player starts for a national-title quality team." The guy was just abysmal. And look at his picture! Jesus god in heaven what an ass-ugly haircut. I ask you to take a look at Saul Smith's statistics for his college career. Thirty-six percent from the floor for his career, 32.1 percent from 3-point range. Career 67 percent foul shooter, with an average assist to turnover ratio. What kept this fucker in the starting lineup? Oh, I remember, it was the fact that he was the COACH'S SON. How many times do you think the rest of the players on that team conspired to go all Tonya Harding on that fucker's knee? A hundred? A thousand? Sure, you'll say, "Come on, there are plenty of players that were worse than Saul Smith," and I'll say NO FUCKING WAY they played for a school as good as Kentucky and got as many minutes as Smith. I would dare say he singlehandedly cost UK at least one national championship during his time there. Just abysmal, absolutely abysmal. And now, he's an assistant coach for his father at Minnesota. It's a smart move to make sure you hire someone that can teach guards how to shoot the ugliest jumper in NCAA history and consistently bring nothing of value to the table for the team. Good thing nepotism wasn't involved in this hire. Saul Smith, worst major-college basketball player of all time and the thing that REALLY sucks the most in the world.
1 comment:
Delicious. Just delicious.
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