I'm basketball's baddest man, Big Ben Wallace. You seen me on the court sendin' shots back into grown men's faces and snatchin' loose balls like Harvey Milk at the Y. But I need somethin' new in my life. I think I'm 'a go get hurt.
Darnell, didn't you fracture yo wrist in November?
Oh damn, you look healthy now. I ain't havin' that shit.
Hey yo Delonte, what's the word on yo fucked up wrist?
Delonte. Delonte! HEY, DELONTE!
Shit, man, these reporters be too loud for Big Ben to be heard. I'LL HIT YOU UP LATER WESTSIDE!
Man, I gotta find a way to get hurt fast. These Cleveland fans actually feel good about they chances this season. I mean -- HEY YO SASHA! SASHA WAIT UP!
DAMN! That dude rolled out quick. He's enjoyin' all this time off now that he fucked up his ankle. Haha, he always got some sissy injury that be buggin' him.
Wait, that's it! Sissy injuries! I gotta get me some advice from my main man Boobie. Where he at?
Ooooh snap, I ain't even touchin' that. He gettin' coached by E. Snow. He about to get a whole 'nother level of sissy injury. Even sissier than that toe and ankle shit he always get.
Let me think. Who else been injured recently? Didn't Tarence Kinsey suffer somethin'? Yo, TK, what you up to?
Hahaaaaaaaaa, that's the dope shit! First his ankle, now he tryin' to get his face rearranged! You a crazy motherfucker, TK. I like my face the way it is.
I'm still healthy, though. I ain't havin' that shit. If Larry Hughes was still here, I could just hang around him for a few minutes before my elbow exploded or somethin'.
Nah, man. If I wanna get hurt like right now, I gotta turn to the Cavs' senior injury expert, the White Wizard, Big Z.
Big Z: Hello, Benjamin. What is up?
Big Ben: I gotta hurt hurt, homey!
Big Z: Why is this?
Big Ben: E'erybody else been doin' it this year. I feel left out!
Big Z: Why have you come to me?
Big Ben: 'Cause you hurt just about everything you CAN hurt in yo feet during the first half of yo career. I need some advice.
Big Z: I would not recommend that, Benjamin. Those were some of the darkest days of my career.
Big Ben: So you gon' help me or what?
Big Z: Sorry.
Yao Ming: Psssst, Ben. Over here.
Big Ben: Yo what up Yao?
Yao: I know how to hurt you.
Big Ben: How?
Yao: My leg is rated "Dolph Lundgren" on toughness scale used in Beijing. I kick you in your leg.
Big Ben: You sure you can break it? How long will I be out?
Yao: Four to six weeks.
Big Ben: Aight, cool. Do it.
Yao: Done. I already do same for Jameer Nelson. Now I need to cripple Celtics somehow.
Big Ben: Nah, don't do that.
Yao: Why?
Big Ben: They just signed Steph. They got enough issues.
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