Wednesday, February 18, 2009

1980s Tom Cruise thinks your trade prospects are lame



A long time ago, Tom Cruise was cool. Really cool. Almost to a point where nothing could portend his abrupt spiral into religious madness, shitty role selection and complete douchebaggery. People look back on him and shake their head. "Man, what happened?" I sure hope I'm not saying the same thing in a few months when I look back at this year's NBA trade deadline.

We've got Wally Szczerbiak's $13 million expiring contract and a couple of tasty trade pieces to work with. I love how Wally's played this year, and if we trade him I hope he gets a buyout and rejoins the team in a month. But his contract is wretched, and as long as we can upgrade without sacrificing team chemistry, he should be swapped.

Sounds like Danny Ferry's thinking the same thing. With the Suns all but removing Amare Stoudemire from the trading block, here's what 1980s Tom Cruise thinks of our top targets:

Marcus Camby, Clippers center


Top Guns: A defensive stalwart who's toiling away in basketball oblivion, the Cambyman automatically locks up our post and provides a reliable scoring threat. He's also a great teammate and a veteran hungry for a ring.

Risky Business: There is none, other than Donald Sterling saying that Camby and Eric Gordon were the only two "untouchable" Clippers. Riiiight. Oh, and this incident with our current GM.

Cruise rating (out of four):



Antawn Jamison, Wizards forward


Top Guns: Another hungry veteran who can defend and create his own shot with excellent range. Jamison's a former Sixth Man of the Year, so he'll have no issues coming off the bench, and he's playing much younger than his age (32).

Risky Business: Ernie Grunfeld knows there are other ways to stay out of the luxury tax besides shedding Jamison's contract, and he's confident the team can make one more run when Gilbert Arenas is healthy. Plus it's the Wizards, and they hate us.

Cruise rating:



Brad Miller, Kings center


Top Guns: A seven-footer with good range and a decent defender.

Risky Business: Out of shape, laden with drug problems, questionable teammate, you name it. Sources say we could have acquired him any time in the last month...yet we haven't. What's that tell you?

Cruise rating:



Vince Carter, Nets guard


Top Guns: Vincanity is having a bounceback year, averaging 21 points, five rebounds and five assists. Plus his defense doesn't totally suck anymore. Talk about a second option.

Risky Business: The Nets want to get rid of Carter, but they're fielding more enticing offers as we speak. And we don't need another guard, especially a selfish guard who could mess with chemistry.

Cruise rating:



Raef LaFrentz, Trail Blazers forward/center


Top Guns: Do we want to trade for him? Hell no. But 80 percent of his expiring contract will be paid by insurance companies, so if Portland can dump him quickly, Szczerbiak's contract becomes the most attractive expiring deal out there. Let the offers roll in!

Risky Business: Hopefully the Blazers don't wait until 2:59 p.m. EST on Thursday to trade him.

Cruise rating:

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