I Hate My LIfe, or the Pittsburgh Pirates Pitchers and Catchers Preview

Unlike MomJeans, who has legitimate reason to be excited about his team, which is at least perpetually interesting and perenially relevant, if not championship material every year, I'm stuck with the Pirates. Let's dive right into this pit of endless despair and look at pitchers and catchers.

(I've also come up with this handy color-coding system to give you an even better impression of where this bunch stands.)

Red--Good player, lot of potential.
Green--Guy that could have a comeback year, or could backslide again. Easily the most crucial color.
Blue--Lingering like a stale fart.
Yellow--I wouldn't trust him with my toast, let alone my life.
Brown--Dead weight.
Orange--I know nothing about this guy.

Catchers:

Ryan Doumit--Nickname used to be "No-mitt." Thankfully, he's gotten better in that department, and he can flat out rake from both sides, especially the left, which is convenient given PNC Park's short porch in right. If he stays healthy, which is a big fat "if," he could go .310-30-100. One of the few bright spots, and possibly the only guy I'll write this much about.

Robinzon Diaz--Honest to God, there's like 6 other guys listed as catchers on the roster, including Evan Meek, one of the Pirates' worst ideas ever, but Diaz gets the nod because he has a number assigned to him. Like I said, let's hope Doumit stays healthy.

Starting Pitchers:

Paul Maholm--Next to Doumit and outfielder Nate McLouth, he might be the only positive story on this team. Maholm pitched way better than his record would suggest last year, and was clearly established as the Pirates' ace by the end of the year. He's a crafty lefty and appears to have the mental makeup of something other than a five-year old.

Ian Snell--Was "quietly" bumped up into virtual-lock status for the rotation this year. I'm a fan of this only because the guy is a bulldog competitor who wants to win in the worst way AND has filthy stuff. Still, he needs to learn that most major league hitters won't be overpowered by a 94-mph fastball from a righty, and the ones that would be happen to play on his team.

Zach Duke--During his rookie season he went approximately 23-1 with a 1.75 ERA. Sadly, for a long time that year, my ERA estimation was pretty close to accurate. Since, he's fallen off the wagon, and into a never-ending box of jelly donuts. Pitched decently at times last year, and also "quietly" moved into near-lock status for the rotation, but he damn sure doesn't deserve it.

Phil Dumatrait--Like all Pirates pitchers, he hurt his arm last year and is still recovering. Might be a long-relief guy this year, but in a perfect world, he'd be a fourth or fifth starter. Has surprisingly decent stuff and seems to know how to pitch.

Ross Ohlendorf, Jeff Karstens, Tom Gorzelanny--Again, if all were right and good in Bradenton, Gorzo would destroy the other two and get the fifth spot. He was in the Paul Maholm slot going into last year, and just sucked. I mean, he fucking SUCKED. Apparently his conditioning program in the off-season really impressed the coaches, but he'll need to have taken an introduction to pitching program to really be a factor this year.

Relief Pitchers:

Sean Burnett--Lefty long-relief/sometime specialist guy who wants the ball and believes in himself. The Pirates need more guys with his fire, and less guys with his propensity for pouring gallons of gasoline on smoldering embers.

John Grabow--Very effective situational lefty, all-around solid pitcher, and a pretty good dude. Naturally, the Pirates are looking to deal him.

Tyler Yates--Righty version of Grabow, though not nearly as good. Prone to bouts of wildness. Should be on the trading block, but that would make too much sense. Nevertheless, he could be worse.

Craig Hansen--Awful, awful, awful. A 6'5" pile of suck. Amusingly enough, I'm pretty sure my ex-girlfriend was banging him when she lived in Boston. This alone would be enough to earn him a ticket to low Single A ball forever, but he should find his way there on merit anyway.

Romulo Sanchez--Latin spice version of Hansen, with the caveat that he could actually become good. Stay tuned.

Matt Capps--The Tyler Hansbrough of closers. Remarkably hittable, yet usually gets the job done, albeit in frightening fashion. When he blows up though, watch your house if it's within 3 miles of the field, there might be a ball in the front lawn with burn marks on it.

Pitching Coach:

Joe Kerrigan--Finally, someone with name recognition. I'm praying this guy can eke every last ounce of talent out of these guys, as it is the only chance the Pirates have of making it to the promised land that is 81-81, or, gasp! 82-80.

Coming up whenever DJMJ and I feel like it: Position players for both teams.