Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Welcome to The Crock



A United States general nervously walks into an office at the Pentagon.

General Turgidson: Sir, I'm afraid we have a situation.


Secretary of Defense, arbitrarily played by Jon Voight: What is it, General?

General Turgidson: Are you familiar with the American Football Conference, sir?

Secretary Voight: By name only. It was a league started in 1970 under the Lamar Hunt administration, correct?

General Turgidson: Yes, sir. Every year, 16 teams compete for the right to represent the American Football Conference--

Dramatic pause.

General Turgidson: Or "AFC"...

Another dramatic pause.

General Turgidson: ...in a game known as the Super Bowl. At stake is domain over all professional football in America.

Secretary Voight: Right, right. Now it's coming back to me. I remember something about a rogue football faction, a mentally challenged group that detonated a nuclear weapon of monosyllabic speech and extreme annoyance whenever it reached the Super Bowl.

General Turgidson: That's correct, sir. It's a group known as the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Secretary Voight: Yes. Why are you telling me this?

General Turgidson: Because the Steelers...

Dramatic pause.

General Turgidson: ...might be going back to the Super Bowl.


Secretary Voight gathers the Cabinet and Joint Chiefs in a situation room at the Pentagon. The camera sweeps around Secretary Voight as he speaks.

Secretary Voight: My fellow Americans...

Another dramatic pause.

Secretary Voight: A grave situation has arisen. We have learned of an impending plot to restore supremacy in the American Football Conference to the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Vice President Forsythe: My God. Imagine the sheer idiocy unleashed on America if...

Secretary Voight: That's right. The Pittsburgh Steelers are, in fact, the dumbest and most obnoxious team in the history of sports. And that team, ladies and gentlemen...

ANOTHER dramatic pause.

Secretary Voight: ...has taken control of Heinz Field.

Vice President Forsythe: Heinz Field?

Secretary Voight clicks projector.


Secretary Voight: Otherwise known as "The Crock" because it's situated in Pittsburgh, a town that has a tough reputation but in reality is filled with weepy-eyed pussies who wilt whenever their teams aren't doing well.

Vice President Forsythe: Yes.

Secretary Voight: We have visual evidence, gathered by a squadron of stealth military planes, that this man...

Secretary Voight clicks projector.


Secretary Voight: ...General Francis X. Rooney, has taken control of The Crock, and plans to use it this Sunday to advance the Steelers to the Super Bowl.

Vice President Forsythe: Rooney?

Secretary Voight: Yes, he is a member of the Rooney family, a cabal of crusty old men who want nothing less than the unhappiness of 300 million Americans.

Vice President Forsythe: My God.

Secretary Voight: No, Mr. Vice President. OUR God...

Oh hey, another dramatic pause.

Secretary Voight: ...is Joe Patrick Flacco.

Vice President Forsythe: Who is Joe Patrick Flacco?

Secretary Voight clicks the projector.


Secretary Voight: He's the leader of a resistance movement known as the Baltimore Ravens. He's a quarterback that's playing beyond his years. And he's the only man...

More dramatic pause.

Secretary Voight: ...who's ever escaped from The Crock.

Vice President Forsythe: Where is he now?

Secretary Voight: We have already sent Flacco to break back into The Crock this Sunday and lead the Ravens against the Steelers. We hope, and we pray, that they wipe out the Steelers once and for all.

Vice President Forsythe: What are the chances of success?

Secretary Voight: Well, sir, we gathered a panel of four experts. There names were Major Marino, Sergeant Sharpe, Ensign Esiason and Lance Corporal Cowher.

Vice President Forsythe: And?

Secretary Voight: It turns out that Lance Corporal Cowher was working with the Steelers all along, so we had him executed.

Vice President Forsythe: What about the others?

Secretary Voight: Well, Sergeant Sharpe spoke some form of ebonics we've yet to decipher, and Ensign Esiason couldn't stop raving about how much he hates someone named Al Michaels.

Vice President Forsythe: I see.

Secretary Voight: Major Marino was the only one who gave us a probability, but he also gave us another course of action, something I think you and I should discuss privately.

Whoo buddy dramatic pause.

Vice President Forsythe: Then let's have it.


Secretary Voight leads Vice President Forsythe into his office and closes the door.

Secretary Voight: Mr. Vice President, I'm sure you're well aware of the Baltimore Ravens' past transgressions. The fact is, they're a splinter cell of a once-proud franchise, and their players are just as liable to commit acts of terrorism as they are to prevent them.

Vice President Forsythe: Yes, they are.

Secretary Voight: The reality is that we are dealing with two truly evil entities, and as I said before, Major Marino devised what I believe to be the best course of action.

Door opens. Dramatic pause. Major Marino walks in and stands beside Secretary Voight. Dramatically.


Secretary Voight: Mr. Vice President, this is Major Marino. His real name is Dr. Danley Goodspeed, and he has a background with Pittsburgh.

Danley Goodspeed: I played there, sir, in college. Pittsburgh has produced many good American quarterbacks, but it has also produced Mark May and LeSean McCoy.

Vice President Forsythe: My God, you're right.

Danley Goodspeed: Sir, this Sunday will be the largest gathering of grammar-challenged and hygiene-deficient players, coaches and fans in football history. So I suggest...

DRAMATIC PAUSE.

Danley Goodspeed: ...we nuke the stadium and wipe them all out with one fell swoop.

Vice President Forsythe's eyes open wide.

Vice President Forsythe: It's mass murder. It's unconstitutional. It's a plan that even Caesar himself would find arrogant and grandiose.

Secretary Voight and Danley Goodspeed look at each other.

Vice President Forsythe: It's also the finest damned plan I've ever heard. Make it so!

Secretary Voight: Yes, sir. God bless America.

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