Parallel Pedigree

Buenos dias, blog amigos. Every time the Browns have wiped their slate clean, I've been excited. I've been supportive. I've been behind the moves 100 percent. Blindly so.

Carmen Policy and Dwight Clark? It worked for San Francisco!

Butch Davis as coach and GM? What could go wrong!

Romeo Crennel and Phil Savage? I HEART THE BELICHICK TREE!

Of course, everyone who's tried to turn the post-1999 Browns into a consistent winner has been engulfed in a space vacuum of suck. That being the case, I'm both encouraged and skeptical about the hiring of new coach Eric Mangini and new general manager George Kokinis. I'm excited and hesitant. I'm passionate and pessimistic.

Don't worry, though. This post won't incorporate any references to Captain Kirk's human emotions and Spock's strict logic. Right show, wrong element!

Since the Browns are like an evil parallel universe to respectable football, I'm going to pit the Eric Mangini and George Kokinis from our universe against the Eric Mangini and George Kokinis from the evil Mirror Universe. Enjoy!


I'm George Kokinis, the new general manager of the Cleveland Browns. My background isn't entirely different from Phil Savage, the man who held this position before me. Like Savage, my career began as a scout with the Browns in 1991, and I followed the franchise to Baltimore in 1995. As the Ravens' director of pro personnel for the past five years, I developed a system known as "the box", which tests the quickness and athleticism of prospects. I'm a tireless worker who has a successful track record identifying NFL talent with an organization that consistently challenged for the AFC North crown.

This is my first shot at being a general manager, but the truth is I've done an above-average job with every other position I've held, so why should my time in Cleveland be any different? A lot of you might think that I'm only here because Eric Mangini was hired as head coach. There's an element of truth to that. Eric was the one who recommended me for this position after his interviews impressed owner Randy Lerner earlier this month. Eric and I have remained good friends since we roomed together while working for the Browns in the early 1990s. But isn't compatibility the most important thing when hiring a coach and general manager? Hasn't it worked out great for Pittsburgh, one of the franchises the Browns are chasing at this very moment? My experience evaluating players speaks for itself, and even though Eric and I are close, my contract specifies that I have final authority on all football operations.

With such power, I hope to restore success to one of pro football's proudest cities.


I'm George Kokinis, and I'm an NAIVE WINDBAG. Ha ha ha! What an idiot. Newsflash, dummy: Phil Savage's credentials didn't work out with the Browns, and YOURS WON'T EITHER. So you can tell which players are better at a combine? Congratu-fucking-lations! What are you gonna tell the people of Cleveland when those players still give up 40 points a game and go 4-12 the next four seasons and run your losing streak against the Squeelers to 19? What are you gonna do about the contract situations of Kellen Winslow, Josh Cribbs and Phil Dawson? Yeah, that's right, I-Snort-Kokinis. The Browns are so bad that the KICKERS DEMAND NEW CONTRACTS because they score 90 PERCENT OF THE POINTS! Never had to deal with a Hot-Stover like that in Buttlimore, did ya?? Good luck with Brady Quinn, too. And by that I mean good luck spending the next 10 years trying to win with a quarterback who can't throw more than 15 YARDS with any kind of accuracy. Of course, you might choose to roll with Derek Anderson instead. Ha ha! On second thought, you can't be that stupid. I mean, the Browns turn everyone into Karl Childers eventually, but that doesn't set in until your second week on the job, right? I guess we'll see! Have fun, fuckface!


I'm Eric Mangini, aka the Mangenius. I'm the new head coach of the Cleveland Browns, and I'm the first guy with previous NFL head coaching experience the Browns have hired since 1971. Look, I know that Clevelanders are starved for a consistent winner in the NFL. Well, I finished with a winning record in two of my three seasons with the Jets, and I went 9-7 this past season despite being saddled with a quarterback I never wanted in the first place.

We've seen plenty of examples of head coaches who have had more success in their second job. Tony Dungy made the Buccaneers relevant, then won a Super Bowl with the Colts. Jon Gruden built the Raiders back up, then beat them with the Bucs in the Super Bowl. Tom Coughlin turned his experience with the Jaguars into a world championship with the Giants. Why, Bill Belichick has won three Super Bowls with the Patriots after taking his lumps as coach of this very franchise in Cleveland.

I've got my new coordinators picked out before February, and my personal choice of general manager was just hired as well. I'm also friends with Indians general manager Mark Shapiro, and as the Boston franchises have shown us, communication between the executives from each sport breeds success. I know what you're thinking. "Didn't we hire a Belichick assistant as head coach and a Baltimore bureaucrat as general manager four years ago?" Yes, you did. But I don't take any bullshit, and I know what I'm doing with regards to an NFL franchise. Under my watch, this franchise can reclaim its rightful place among the NFL's elite.


What's up dickwads! I'm Eric Mangini, aka the ManGINA, and I'm the new head choch of the Cleveland Browns. What a simp! Remember the last time the Browns won a playoff game? I do. Kids who were born that year are now SOPHOMORES IN HIGH SCHOOL. Anyone who thinks he's going to do anything other than extend this franchise's run of futility is out of their mind. So Erica had a winning record two of his three seasons as a head coach. WHOOPEEEEE. Bill Cowher and Brian Billick used to shit winning records with Tommy Maddox and Kyle Boller playing quarterback.

Nice factoid about head coaches having more success in their second stints. Nice job ignoring the fact that they all went to franchises with solid foundations, too. Try not to break your ankles when standing on Romeo's rolls, and don't hit the ground too hard when Botch Davis yanks the rug out from under you. Brian Daboll, Rob Ryan and Brad Seely can't coordinate a safety net fast enough to catch your donut-munching ass, Mangina!

Here's a tip. In a town as football-crazy as Cleveland, it's not a good idea to have just TWO PUBLIC APPERANCES in your first month with the team. These pigskin heathens need access. They need to know that their hard-earned cash isn't being poured into another hopeless regime. They need to be familiar with the guy who's been put in charge of their lifetime crush before he crushes their souls by losing more games.

I hope we have some sort of Spygate revisiting, too. In fact, I'll make sure we do. The first time that you hear boos from Browns fans, I'll release a sex tape with your wife. She's way too hot for you, anyway. That'll stir up some controversy!

Lastly, and most certainly not leastly, the nickname "Mangenius" comes from an episode of The Sopranos. Can we deduce, then, that you're also ridiculously overrated and that your whole family would get mowed down if Sonny Corleone decided to take you on by himself?

I think we can. As for your time with the Browns, Mangini, I've got one word:

Tollbooth.