Monday, January 12, 2009

The Kobayashi Morons



Lieutenant Saavik: Aft thrusters, Mr. Sulu. Take the Enterprise out of space dock.


Mr. Spock: Lieutenant, the sensors are indicating a disturbance in the NFL quadrant.

Saavik: What is the nature of this disturbance?

Spock: Unknown. There are readings of extreme idiocy and fundamental failure of the basic motor functions.

Saavik: Full speed, Mr. Sulu. We will investigate.

Spock: But Lieutenant, the disturbance is in the Pittsburgh zone. Our entrance will violate the protocols set forth by--

Saavik: I'm well aware of the risk, Mr. Spock. But if there is a conflict, Starfleet must act as a peacemaker.

Spock: Yes, Lieutenant.

Saavik: Mr. Sulu, are we in range?


Mr. Sulu: What?

Saavik: Damn it, Sulu, put down that Playgirl magazine and do your job.

Sulu: My apologies, Lieutenant. Yes, we're in range.

Saavik: Good. Are there any further readings, Mr. Spock?

Spock: Yes. It appears that the Pittsburgh Steelers are playing for the right to go to the Super Bowl.

Saavik: The Steelers...

Spock: Yes, the Steelers. Renowned for their running game, defense and totally overrated fan base. If we allow the Steelers to win another AFC title, then we'll have to listen to more talk about how "hardcore" their fans are when in reality they've never had to endure any prolonged stretch of adversity.

Saavik: Such indifference to pure idiocy would go against everything Starfleet stands for. Full speed ahead, Mr. Sulu.

Spock: But wait, Lieutenant. I'm afraid the situation is a little more complicated.

Saavik: How so?

Spock: We agree that the Steelers must be stopped. But to do so, we would have to support their opponents.

Saavik: Who are they fighting?

Spock: The Baltimore Ravens.

Saavik: The aborted fetus franchise led by the evil Klingon general Modell?

Spock: Yes.

Saavik: But that's against Starfleet protocol. And we can't obliterate both sides, because genocide is punishable by death under Starfleet mandate.

Spock: Indeed.

Sulu: Lieutenant, what course of action shall we take? Both the Steelers and the Ravens are approaching, and they know we've violated agreements to stay out of the Pittsburgh zone.

Spock: I would expect hostility, Lieutenant.

Saavik: Mr. Sulu--

Sulu: They've fired their proton torpedoes!






Captain Kirk: All right, that's enough.


Kirk: That's the end of the Kobayashi Maru, Lieutenant. You'll receive your grade by the end of the day.


Saavik: Permission to speak freely, sir.

Kirk: Granted.

Saavik: I don't feel this test was an accurate assessment of my abilities. The Steelers and the Ravens are both enemies of Starfleet and inexplicably hostile and stupid.

Kirk: And?

Saavik: There was no way to win.

Kirk: There's no correct resolution. It's a test of character.

Saavik: May I ask, sir, how you fared on the test?

Spock: His solution was, shall we say, interesting.

Kirk: It had the virtue of never having been tried ... I updated Starfleet mandate and made genocide legal. I changed the rules of the game. Anything else, Lieutanant?

Saavik: No, sir.

Kirk: Dismissed.






Spock: The test is somewhat macabre, Jim.

Kirk: I know, it's an awful scenario that hopefully never becomes a reality.

Spock: And what if it did?


Kirk: KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!!!

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