Friday, January 2, 2009

Playoff Time--Rank 'Em

DJMJ has the next few posts off, as they deal with professional playoff football, and we don’t want him talking about something he isn’t familiar with.

The playoffs are a mere day away, and to the surprise of a few, there are four home underdogs--three if you don’t include San Diego hosting Indy, which my newspaper lists as a pick ‘em game. Honestly though, you’re going to pick Philip Rivers over Peyton Manning? Doubtful. Let’s go right ahead and rank all the remaining teams to definitively determine this year’s Super Bowl champion, because power rankings are never, ever wrong. As always, these rankings will make an effort to utilize as little football analysis as possible.

As a bonus, I’ll pick all the matchups at the end of these rankings, because god knows, you need more non-analysis from a guy that posts once a week on a blog. Grab that phone book and find your bookie!


12. Arizona Cardinals: I actually don’t want to put them this low, because I like a few of the players on their team. However, I can’t really get behind a God-fearing man as a team leader. This is silly, I know, because Kurt Warner has already won a Super Bowl and is a pretty damn good player, and because Matt Leinart has shown all the aptitude of a retarded chimp during his stints under center. Still, I have a hard time buying them winning against the Falcons when most of the fans will be Cowboys fans that got bored and wanted to see more football. Oh, and the allegations dogging Larry Legend don’t help either. Sorry boys, you’re in the basement.


11. Minnesota Vikings: Want poor clock management? A coach that looks like a NAMBLA officer? Indefensibly horrible quarterback play? The Vikings are the team for you, good friend. The only reason they might get out of the Metrodome with a win this weekend is because they’re playing the only team around that might have worse coaching, worse play-calling, and a stronger tendency to be maddeningly inconsistent on a regular basis. My game plan for the Vikes? 60 carries for Purple Jesus. There’s no other way.


10. Philadelphia Eagles: Barely got the nod above the Vikings for the coveted tenth spot. Rare is the team that can really dominate the Steelers early in the season, tie the Bengals later, and only make the playoffs because of the Oakland Raiders. Yes, it helped that the Eagles torched the Cowboys in what was a nearly orgasmic afternoon of schadenfreude for yours truly, but they still needed way too much outside help to get into the playoffs. That’s a bad sign for me. On the bright side, they’ve got Brian Westbrook going for them, which is nice.


9. Miami Dolphins: Hard team to figure out, really, which is why they could be in the 12 position on this list on a bad day, or the 5 spot on a good day. I probably put them a bit too low, but these rankings do reflect how long I expect each team’s post-season to last. If the Dolphins were getting either of the other teams in the AFC Wild Card games, I’d really like their chances. However, they’re playing the Ravens, the one team that matches up just dandy with them. Sorry Dolphins, ain’t happening. 1-15 to 11-5 is pretty damn nice though.


8. Atlanta Falcons: I would love them if 1. The Giants weren’t a cold-weather team and 2. The Panthers didn’t look like world-beaters right now. They could easily blow past the Cardinals and look like a house on fire, only to get smacked by either of the top 2 seeds in the next round. Plus, I don’t care how good he is, Matt Ryan is still a rookie and I suspect will play like one against one of the two big hitters in the NFC. Still, the Falcons are going to be really, REALLY good in another year or two. Like, Super Bowl good. You can thank me for that betting advice later.


7. San Diego Chargers: They’re a real sexy pick right now, and for at least the first round, I think the sexy pickers could be correct. They’re matchup hell for the Colts, they’ve got offensive firepower, and they’re not remotely intimidated by Pey-Pey. However, they do have Laserface Rivers, and Ouchie wouchie Tomlinson, both of whom are capable of forgetting to show up for a big game. Therefore, I can’t really put them above the Colts.


6. Indianapolis Colts: Just saw that Peyton won the MVP. Horse shit. That’s all I’ll say. I put them ahead of the Chargers, but they’re probably going to lose to them. Fuckers.


5. Baltimore Ravens: With a rookie QB they shouldn’t be anywhere near this high, but then again, they have about the most frightening defense this side of the Pittsburgh Steelers. I think Matt Ryan is a better quarterback than Joe Flacco, but I also think Flacco has a much better team around him, a team good enough to beat up the Dolphins and the Titans. By the way, I think this is what is going to happen.


4. Pittsburgh Steelers: If they’d beaten the Titans and done so in even remotely convincing fashion, they’d be the odds-on favorite in both leagues. As is, they got smoked, Big Pussy Ben got hurt again, and now they’re going to have to lean even more heavily on their defense. I STILL see them getting to at least the AFC Title game. It’s not even homerism, it’s just a weird vibe about these guys.


3. Carolina Panthers: The only team I don’t want to see my Stillers have to play. If you can somehow slow down their rush and force Jake Delhomme to throw to beat you, you have a chance. Not a great chance, but a chance. I can’t see anyone in the NFC beating them, but I won’t put them at number one, primarily because they just lost to the Giants (granted it was on the road and in OT, but a loss is a loss), and also because they aren’t the reigning Super Bowl champs.


2. Tennessee Titans: They scared the crap out of me until they started stomping on the Terrible Towel. It sounds stupid, I know, but hearing Keith Bulluck backtrack makes me think he realized belatedly how dumb of a move it was. The last thing you want to do as a Titans player is give the Steelers bulletin board material. Bulluck has been seen on camera going after Cortland Finnegan for his taunting penalties during games, and he should have done the same to LenDale White, the fat cow. Tennessee/Pittsburgh for the AFC Title would be delicious, but I doubt it happens.


1. New York Giants: With or without Plax, they’re still the reigning champs until someone knocks them off, which should happen in the NFC Title Game, when their lack of offensive explosiveness gets exploited by the quick-strike, big-play Panthers. But hey, at least I ranked them number 1!

This weekend’s games:
San Diego 31 Indy 20—Hearing Philip Rivers talk trash will be slightly less annoying than hearing announcers and media members fellate Peyton Manning like he’s the new Brett Favre. I realize I've flip-flopped on this game at least twice since the beginning of this post. Does that put me on track to be a national columnist, or do I have to work on being more haughty and condescending? Chargers win.

Baltimore 23 Miami 7—Just an awful matchup for the Dolphins. Worse yet, if my suspicions come true, we’ll get to enjoy the Ravens and their mouths for at least another two weeks after this game.

Atlanta 45 Arizona 42—Most entertaining playoff game in years.

Philly 13 Minnesota 6—Yin to Atl/AZ’s yang.

Enjoy the games.

1 comment:

DJMomJeans said...

as good as the words are, the pictures make this post