This'll Calm the Taxpayers

The New York Yankees simultaneously found a cure for cancer, AIDS, blindness, world hunger, tuberculosis and SARS, or so ESPN would have you believe judging by their coverage signed C.C. Sabathia today. They'll be paying him the mere pittance of $160 million over the course of seven years. This is very out of character for the Yankees, who are typically used to building their team from within, and relying on talented homegrown prospects to lead them to the promised land. In another stunning departure, the Yankees are reported to be looking at signing starting pitchers Derek Lowe, A.J. Burnett, Ben Sheets, Whitey Ford, Cy Young, Sandy Koufax, Don Drysdale, Randy Johnson, Nolan Ryan and Dennis Eckersley, though they plan on using Eckersley only in a long relief role, as the front office brass thinks he may have "lost a little bit off his heater."

The Yanks are also cautiously optimistic that they will be able to acquire Ty Cobb to shore up the line-up and provide much needed toughness and racism to a squad devoid of both. GM Brian Cashman was hopeful that the team would sign Cobb, saying, "Well, the challenge with Ty is successfully reanimating his corpse, but we feel strong that the same tactics used in the past with Mr. Steinbrenner can be applied to Mr. Cobb, with great results."

Again, this represents a change from the norm for the Bombers, who in the past turned to farm talent like Derek Jeter, Jorge Posada, Bernie Williams and...Shane Spencer to populate the line-up, while Andy Pettite, Mariano Rivera and...Brian Boehringer anchored the pitching staff as valuable contributors.

More on this breaking story as it develops, as we hear that the Yankees are in talks to sign the entire Pittsburgh Pirates team in free agency, just "for kicks", as one insider put it.