"Hey man, it's been awesome being your friend all these years, but if Penn State loses, I just wanted you to know I'm gonna kill myself tonight, so have a nice life."
Obviously I was joking, and we outscored Meatchicken 32-0 in the second half to earn a 29-point victory and keep our perfect record intact.
Now, 24 hours later, I probably will kill myself thanks to a "quarterback" and "head coach" who are currently sodomizing my pro football team.
Let me spell it out for you.
All the terrible things that are about to be said are directed toward the offense and Romeo Crennel. The defense was on the field a ton, and it clearly wore down, but it still held Washington to just 14 points and even forced a late turnover to give us new life. After opening the season with a bad performance against Dallas, you guys have given up a grand total of 71 points, and 21 of those were on extremely short fields thanks to Derek Anderson's utter incompetency against Baltimore. Drinks are on me, fellas, you more than deserve it.
Boy, it sure would be swell if Anderson could hit the fucking ocean from the fucking beach, or if Romeo Crennel could look like he knows what in God's name he's doing every now and then.
Crennel is clearly going to live or die (probably die) with Anderson, because through the game's first 50 minutes, Anderson was 5-of-21 for 40 yards. 5-of-21 for 40 yards. 5-of-21 for 40 yards.
Derek Anderson could probably go 0-for-100, throw five picks and knife Romeo in the gut next week and still not get pulled.
Everyone's entitled to an awful game every now and then. Nobody's entitled to five out of six.
For the umpteenth time this year, Kellen Winslow was healthy enough to be effective and totally ignored. What a big fucking surprise. It was nice having your around, K2, and I don't blame you for demanding that trade you're about to demand.
God almighty, we botched seven straight goal-to-go plays in the fourth quarter before Anderson accidentally hit an open Josh Cribbs for our only touchdown. Pathetic.
Heap a lot of this on coaching, too, cuz Romeo clearly isn't watching the same games as the rest of us. Who knows, maybe Anderson buys him three tons of twinkies every week.
Is Rob Chudzinski the NFL's most predictable playcaller? Pass on first down, run on second, pass on third, punt on fourth. Hey Chud, if I know what's coming from my living room, THERE'S A GREAT FUCKING CHANCE THE REDSKINS KNOW WHAT'S COMING TOO!
Just forget about Anderson's performance on Monday Night Football. Seven of the last eight games tell us that was grandstand bullshit.
Klumps. Hmm. Maybe Romeo's from that family. He's fat, stupid, and unfunny. Makes sense to me.
Let's not totally excuse Braylon Edwards, either, because he's dropping more balls than male puberty.
Man, Ryan Tucker must mean a lot to our offensive line, because we struggled up front again. When he played last Monday, the Giants couldn't touch us. When he missed Sunday's game, our running game couldn't touch little boys if we were card-carrying NAMBLA pervs.
Never in my life have I seen someone overshoot so many wide open receivers. If Anderson was even 40 percent accurate, it would have been 14-0 good guys at halftime.
Outstanding work by the special-teamers today. Dawson may have missed the game-tying field goal, but he made one earlier, and we forced a missed field goal by the 'Skins right before halftime. Also, Cribbs had 94 return yards, Dave Zastudil had eight punts for an average of 44 yards, and Gerald Lawson had a clutch return of 43 yards late in the game. Lawson got that chance because Cribbs was hung out to dry by a skyscraping throw from Anderson. Go figure.
Pieces are a funny thing for sports teams. The Cavaliers have the leadership to win a championship, but we've only recently gathered the pieces. The Browns have the pieces to win a championship, but we don't have the leadership. Maybe LeBron plays quarterback?
Quite the celebration Santana Moss put on after scoring the game-winning touchdown. He mocked Bray's rock-and-roll celebration from the Bengals game, pissing off a lot of Browns fans in the process. Was it classless? Hell no. If you succeed, you have the right to do whatever the fuck you want. Deal with it.
Probably a Blur fan, thoughReally encouraging moment early in the fourth quarter when Anderson started jawing with Lawrence Vickers. On the field. Before a critical third-and-long. Inside our own 10-yard line. I mean, indocile anger works out great in the NFL. Look at Ryan Leaf.
Stop with the Punk'd-style hidden camera commercials already. Carl's Jr. and Pizza Hut, I'm talking to you.
Throwing interceptions was the only thing Anderson didn't do wrong. So the crappy quarterback keeps his job because somehow he didn't throw a pick against one of the league's top secondaries. Only the Browns. Nay, only Cleveland.
Unfortunately, Anderson only found Donte Stallworth twice today. Let's do some math. Even if Stallworth collects the $10 million minimum of his contract, he's currently costing us $500,000 for every four receptions, a figure on par with the current economic climate. Therefore, Stallworth's new nickname is "Subprime Mortgage."
Very smart decision to go for the two-point conversion after our touchdown, because it brought us within a field goal. Crennel was still coaching the team at that point, right?
Washington was really hung over from the Rams game. You could tell with the lackadaisical play. It was really surprising, and thus, really frustrating when we couldn't make them pay.
Xanadu did Kubla Kahn/And Browns fans wanted DA gone. Take that, Samuel Taylor Coleridge.
You know what? That's the best job I've done with 'X' this year. BOO-YAH!
Zealot. That's what I am for the Browns. If I wasn't, I couldn't put up with this shit.
We're coming for you. You bastards. Or something.
No comments:
Post a Comment