The ABCs: Week 10

After four days and 400+ hours with my sports shrink, I can finally talk about the Browns again without wanting to maim each and every one of them.

But there's no excusing another miserable come-from-ahead loss. This team has built big leads late in our last two games, only to be rendered suddenly inept by the Ravens' paleolithic offense and Denver's 383rd-ranked defense.

We've been going backward like that all season, so why shouldn't the ABCs join the fun?

Zydrunas Ilgauskas is averaging 16 points, seven boards and two blocks per game so far. If we get that production out of our third option, we're gonna clip Boston. But that's the Cavs. Now back to your regularly scheduled poop stains.

Yes, I was thrilled with Brady Quinn in his debut (23-of-35, 239 yards, two touchdowns, no interceptions). But given our fourth quarter flatulence, there are bigger issues at hand.

eXamining the defense the last two games is like watching Regan MacNeil snap into a hellish hayfever. How can a unit that plays so well for three quarters suddenly start spewing green shit all over the field like that?

Also comes in cornerback!

We're in the midst of a stretch where we play four of five games at home. This would have been a great chance to move up in the playoff race. Salt, wound. Wound, salt.

Very, very, very, very, very, very, very poor job by Romeo Crennel these last two games. By my count, he's been our coach for 57 games, and he's looked halfway competent for maybe 15 of them.

Usually, I wouldn't worry about the Broncos marching up and down the field. They average almost 400 yards a game, it's what they do. But given their necro-running game and banged-up receivers, "deficient" doesn't begin to describe our fourth-quarter defense Thursday night.

THANK GOD Bryant Gumbel no longer does NFL Network games.

Saw some overall statistics, and apparently D'Qwell Jackson is leading the league with 88 tackles. There's one guy I'm not pissed at.

Regardless of how mouthy he can be, it's amazing how effective Kellen Winslow is when you THROW HIM THE BALL. Despite his fumble, K2 had 10 catches (including a couple shoe-stringers) for 111 yards and two touchdowns.

It's not like we're talking quantum physics here

Quinn was money, though. Yeah, Denver's defense sucks, but Brady moved around in the pocket, hit two-thirds of his intermediate passes and looked poised under center. Derek Anderson hasn't proven he can do any of that.

Politics were all the buzz last week with the 2008 presidential election. I don't care what you think about politics, and I'm sure you don't care what I think. As a history nerd, however, I can't begin to stress the significance of a black president-elect. We've come a long way, America.

Our special teams were money (again) and I'm praising them (again). From now on, just go ahead and assume that I'm happy with Dawson, Dave, Cribbsy and co. until otherwise noted.

No clue why Eddie Royal had so much space against Brandon McDonald on that 93-yard h-bomb early in the fourth quarter.

Maybe Subprime Mortgage is finally finding his way into the offense. He caught four balls against Denver, which equals his total from the first six games of the season. One of Brady's strengths is spreading the wealth, so if Subprime's open, he's gonna get chances.

Linebackers are supposed to be the stronger element of a 3-4 defense, and Jackson's talents are wasted playing alongside Andra Davis, Kamerion Wimbley and Willie McGinest. So much so that Davis, Wimbley and McGinest will now be referred to as Larry, Curly and Moe.

Kamerion -- I mean, Curly -- had our only sack of Jay Cutler. Congratulations, you now have one less sack than Alex Hall, who's played maybe a third as many snaps.

Just checked our season stats, and here's a number to complete this trilogy of lettered linebacker-bashing. Like I said, Jackson has 88 tackles this season. Larry, Curly and Moe have 98 combined. Time for some upgrades.

Syuck-syuck!

I can't believe it's taken this long to get Jerome Harrison and Josh Cribbs chances to run the football. They had eight rushes and gained 96 yards. This is a great way to spell Jamal Lewis, so obviously Romeo won't do it very often.

Have to be encouraged by Brady's fourth-quarter drive that took back the lead. Have to be discouraged by how easily Denver went right back down the field to win the game.

God, we suck on third down. We've converted 28 percent of them over the past four games. God, we suck on third down.

Fumigating the locker room after games wouldn't be a bad idea. That way, we could knock out staph infections AND fourth-quarter infections.

Expecting Brady Quinn to be as comfortable in every game as he was Thursday is unrealistic, but our offensive line should make the transition smoother than on most teams.

Death, taxes and Romeo's soft coaching costing the Browns a victory. Yup.

Caught Kenny Smith's "NBA Cabinet" feature on TNT's halftime show Thursday. Good stuff, although I don't know how Kevin Garnett loses out to Ron Artest as secretary of defense. I know KG's already the energy secretary, but Artest is more like a weapon of mass destruction.

'xcuse my mushroom cloud

Buffalo's up next, and it's a road game on Monday Night Football. Hopefully there won't be a huge blizzard this time. Wait a minute. What am I talking about? That was sweet. Here's to another snowy smackdown!

At last I've reached the end of this week's ABCs. For some reason, doing it backwards took a lot longer than doing it forwards. That's what she said.



Let's circle them wagons.