I Ordered a Caesar Salad, GOD DAMMIT

Mrs. Singletary: Oh, honey, it’s really great that you could get some time away from the team so that we could celebrate you getting the head coaching job. I know it’s going to be tough, and I know you don’t have much to work with, but I believe in you, and I think you’ll do a great job.

Mike Singletary: Thanks honey, it’s just tough for me, I feel, to get through to some of these younger guys. None of them have the team’s best interests in mind—they’re just selfish. Anyway, let’s not talk about that, let’s just sit down and enjoy this nice din—hey, hey, HEY! What the FUCK? WAITER! I ordered a Caesar salad. What is this? What? Is? This?!! What the hell is wrong with you?

-10 second pause-

Look, I’d rather go out, and not eat a salad, and just spend the whole meal wishing I’d had more vegetables, than eat a house salad, when I ordered a CAESAR! Jesus! Fuck me in the ear and call me Chris Spielman! You know what? You know what…just go. I’d rather have you not serving anyone in this restaurant, and I mean ANYONE, than being here, screwing up. You’re more use to this restaurant as a patron. Go, take off the uniform, and order something. Order a delicious meal. I’m willing to bet that your waiter, who is probably more of a team player, won’t screw your order up.

-Looks around wildly-

Is no one listening? For the love of Ditka would you ignorant fucks shut up and serve your tables? If I hear one more of you slot-locking dykes crying about how hard you have to work, I’m going to come and give you a free rectal exam with my play sheet—and it’s LAMINATED! I swear to Buddha I am going to fire each and every one of you if you don’t start to shape up. This is a team. This is the OLIVE GARDEN. This is not FAST FOOD. You do not get by with LOAFING.

-Takes a breath-

You know what, fuck it, you little anal abrasions. This is the worst performance by a wait staff that I have ever seen. This is what you little cumsticks remind me of!

-Drops pants, points to ass-

This is a fucking disgrace! I came here to have a nice meal with my wife and now you’ve got me all fired up, and I don’t know what I’m going to do to cool off! There’s only one thing I can think of that would possibly work.

-Drops boxers, dips balls in ice water-

There! How you like me now?!

Mrs. Singletary: Check, please.