Mighty Morphin Power Rankings, Week 9

“After 10,000 years I’m free! It’s time to conquer Earrrrth!”
--Rita Repulsa

“After like…a long time, we’re free! No more ‘Peyton Manning is so awesome’ blather!”
--All NFL fans not residing in Indianapolis

That’s pretty much the most important thing we learned in this past week, children. The Titans might not be a fantastic team, but they’re clearly the class of the AFC South, which is big news. The Colts? They’re officially a middling team, at least for this season. To honor this changing of the guard, let’s try and assign a character from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers to each team, shall we? It’s about time we incorporated these rankings’ namesake into the proceedings beyond a simple picture.

1. Tennessee Titans (7-0)—They’ve got to be Lord Zedd, “Master of evil" and all around scary looking dude. I say this because Lord Zedd, after watching Rita Repulsa fuck up repeatedly each and every weekday afternoon, finally got sick and tired of it and went to dispatch the Power Rangers himself. The Titans, after watching the Colts shit the bed for most of the season thus far, took command of the division by virtue of their big win Monday night. And they’ve even got a goofy looking leader who can frighten children with just a look—Jeff Fisher.

2. New York Giants (6-1)—These guys certainly showed championship chops on the road in Pittsburgh, even if it was against an extremely banged up Steelers team. For their resourceful win, they’ve got to be Billy, the Blue Ranger, who somehow managed to defeat the enemy using his resourcefulness and cunning, in spite of the fact that he was a huge pussy. Not that any of the Giants are pussies—at least, besides Eli.

3. Carolina Panthers (6-2)—Pretty impressive home win against a better than you think Falcons team. I was wrong about this team, at least so far, because I didn’t see them staying the course after losing two straight after a 2-0 start. For that, I’ve got to make them the Green Ranger, who was evil at first, then good, then maybe tried to be evil again, but ultimately was good. I guess that’s what I think is going to happen with this team—they’re probably going to end up with the 2 seed in the NFC. Of course, unlike the Green Ranger, they don’t have a super fucking cool Dragonzord to kick ass with.

4. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-2)—I’m not willing to drop them very far, because they would have won that game, had they not had enough injuries to start their very own MASH unit. When the game is essentially decided by a long-snapper, that’s where I tend to go “hmm” and wonder just how much one team was really better than the other. Still, I think I’ll have to go with them as being Goldar, the idiot henchman of Rita Repulsa and Lord Zedd, whose best laid plans often go awry, often due to rotten luck. Oh, and sometimes Goldar fucks up because of his own incompetence, which would explain Big Ben’s 4 INTs.

5. Washington Redskins (6-2)—They needed to put away the Lions sooner, though they eventually got it done in the end. Nothing spectacular about this team, but they’re generally solid and steady, and tend to get the job done. They’re clearly the Red Ranger (evidently getting ready for a little "power up" from the head below), a reliable, leader-ish guy who stands tall when the battle is most fierce. They’re playing Goldar next week, and the Red Ranger always kicked Goldar’s ass, but then again, the Red Ranger isn’t necessarily used to fighting on Monday Night Football.

6. Buffalo Bills (5-2)—Tough to lose to the Dolphins, but at least it was a road loss. They definitely should have won the game, though, so I’ll put them into the mix as Rita Repulsa, a chronic underachiever who never did seem to finish things off. This is not to say that the Bills are a supposedly all-powerful sorceress living on the Moon, but I don’t think it’d be out of the question to say that they try to win football games by creating monsters out of clay. It is Buffalo, after all.

7. New England Patriots (5-2)—Everyone is talking about this team like they might be able to make serious noise because they haven’t completely gone in the tank—but they’re forgetting that the Pats play the league’s easiest schedule! Trust me, by the end of the year, New England will be walking around making noises and looking awful on the field. If they stagger into the playoffs, they’ll be easily dealt with by a superior team. In fact, they’ll probably provide as much resistance as…putties.

8. Tampa Bay Bucs (5-3)—I’m not sure what to think about this team. Kind of a mystery, probably should have beaten the Cowboys, even though a desperate team at home usually wins that sort of game. So what character was a mystery on the show? The White Ranger, of course. Don’t you remember waiting with bated breath to find out who it was (if you were me, you were hoping Patrick Swayze), only to see that fucking Green Ranger guy under the mask? Yeah, fuck that.

9. Philadelphia Eagles (4-3)—Got a gift touchdown from the officiating crew, but it was still a good home win. Right now, what this team is doing is the definition of “lurking”. They don’t scare me a whole lot, primarily because I have serious doubts about whether Brian Westbrook can stay healthy for the whole year. If he can, and McNabb also stays off the injury list, then we could have a dark-horse Super Bowl contender. If not, they’ll go in the tank. So, what do you call a team with all this potential to go either way? You call them the Red Ranger, too, because there were plenty of rumors that he was queer as a three dollar bill on top of Elton John’s piano. Actually, you call them by the Red Ranger’s real name, Austin St. John. Sounds much more bisexual—or at least, pornographic.

10. Atlanta Falcons (4-3)—Showed a lot in defeat at Philadelphia. Yes, it’s a statement game and yes, you’d prefer not to blow a lead on the road, but the fact that they were in the game right until the end and were arguably a horrible call away from winning makes me think they’ve got staying power. In fact, the way they hung in there and never gave up kind of reminds me of a rather famous robot—the Megazord! Except, you know, the Megazord eventually got swallowed up into the earth.

11. Arizona Cardinals (4-3)—How can you not be impressed by the Buzzsaw’s ability to hang around and be right in the thick of things? They should have beaten Carolina, and they might be starting, as ludicrous as this sounds, to hear footsteps from the Rams, but they keep scoring points, and might just waltz into the playoffs at 8-8. For their mediocrity and mysterious staying power, they are the second Black Ranger (trust me, that's him). You know, the vaguely Asian one who kind of sucked all around? The real Black Ranger was a badass AND was missing one of his middle fingers. Second Black Ranger? Fuck him.

12. Dallas Cowboys (5-3)—They’re not good, but the feeling is that they’ll somehow stagger into the playoffs as the sixth seed, whereupon everyone can proclaim them the most talented sixth seed ever, only to watch them get obliterated by the Bears in the first round when the team wilts in the cold of Chicago. The Cowboys don’t get a Power Ranger attached to them, because I don’t like them. Oh, and I hope T.O. gets hit by a bus.

13. New Orleans Saints (4-4)—Evened the record with a big win overseas, as they continued their trend of scoring slightly more points than they give up. I’d make a diuretic joke here, but really, I think we need to be more concerned with the health of these players. I wouldn’t want them to think that they need to be so thin that they start wasting away. In honor of their desire to shed water weight, they can be the Dragonzord, a machine that could hear an annoying sword-flute from 10,000 feet under water and then not be waterlogged when he came to battle some 200-foot tall platypus with a cannon shaped like a guitar.

14. New York Jets (4-3)—These guys are starting to get on my fucking nerves, and it has everything to do with one player. I am of course referring to Brett Favre. I am not a Brett Favre fan, nor have I ever been. I still fondly remember Greg Lloyd knocking him into the next county in his first NFL start. I hope Brett retires to take a job as the next Lions head coach. Because they’re such an annoying team, I’m going to bestow on them the title of Blue Ranger. Yes, as you’ve already seen, repeats are allowed. The Blue Ranger was so fucking infuriating because he had the fighting skills of an 11-year old girl with gout, yet he always somehow “got the job done.” Brett Favre looked like an 11-year old quarterback for most of the Chiefs game, but somehow “got the job done.” Argh.

15. Chicago Bears (4-3)—Somehow, their problem drinker of a quarterback has turned into the Purdue version of himself and is slinging brews all over the field. This begs the question, which one of the characters from MMPR would have made the most likely problem drinker. Truth be told, I have to go with Alpha 5, that little mechanical shit. Following the orders of a disembodied floating head should have been enough to tell viewers that this guy was at least shrooming, if not worse. He probably popped off to the preparation chamber, where he got freaky with some other robots and a little Absinthe.

16. Green Bay Packers (4-3)—If the Jets, and by extension Brett Favre are the Blue Ranger, an annoying twerp, then the Packers, and by extension Aaron Rodgers, are the original, badass, evil Green Ranger, coming to sling destruction and mow down everything in their path. Fuck yeah, Aaron Rodgers.

17. San Diego Chargers (3-5)—Remember when the Rangers would really be getting their asses handed to them, even with the Green Ranger around, so they would combine all their zords and make the Ultrazord? It was a guaranteed win at that point—no enemy ever withstood the Ultrazord’s power. Funny thing was, the Ultrazord just kinda shot a bunch of random fireworks in the direction of its enemy, looking very pretty, yes, but never really doing much in the way of damage. The Chargers are the Ultrazord—except they lose.

18. Denver Broncos (4-3)—Inexplicably haven’t gone down in flames yet. But hey, my little 8-8 prediction looks better and better every day now, doesn’t it? Really, they have to be Finster, the clay monster-making guy that would have been killed by any legitimate evil being for the repeated failures of his monsters. Instead, he just kind of hung around, didn’t do much, kept making shitty monsters. So goes life in the Power Rangers universe.

19. Indianapolis Colts (3-4)—They are the entire Power Rangers show, after you hit the age of 12 and realized how stupid it all was. After it faded into oblivion, or at least was passed down to a younger generation, you were quite happy to see it gone. That’s the Colts.

20. Minnesota Vikings (3-4)—I honestly sat and tried to think of a character to apply to this team, but they were so boring, I couldn’t really think of anyone to give them. I guess let’s just make them one of the almost non-existent parents on the show, people that made a random appearance so that they could get kidnapped and their dipshit kids could dress up in spandex and save them.

21. Baltimore Ravens (4-3)—DEFINITELY Goldar. Who else on the show was more talk and less action? “Ohhh your evilness, I’ll get those Rangers this time” or “Ohhh my Lord, I will serve you without fail” or “The Rangers will be crushed” blah blah blah. It’s like hearing Terrell Suggs blather on about a bounty, and just like you always knew Goldar would fail, you know Suggs is going to have his spleen in his throat after Hines Ward puts him to sleep when the teams meet again. I fucking hate the Ravens.

22. Miami Dolphins (3-4)—Joey Porter didn’t watch no fucking Power Rangers…shit was gay.

23. Cleveland Browns (3-4)—The as-yet-uncreated Brown Ranger, who could one week be as fertile offensively as dark, rich soil, and the next week just be a huge turd.

24. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-4)—Do not deserve a Power Ranger.

25. Houston Texans (3-4)—Got a quarterback on your roster named Sage? Then you, friends, are most certainly Zordon!

26. St. Louis Rams (2-5)—In spite of their loss to the Patriots, I think that the Rams are going to be the White Ranger, because they’re going to go through the magical juvenation machine in the second half of the season and win the NFC Worst. They have too much potential not to end up being decent. Kind of like Amy Jo Johnson, the original Pink Ranger, had too much potential (NSFW!) to just do kids shows. If you would have asked me my prediction for these guys after the first four games of the season, I’d have said the franchise was more likely to fold than have the scenario I just described play out.

27. Seattle Seahawks (2-5)—Do not deserve a Power Ranger.

28. Oakland Raiders (2-5)—Silver Ranger, a little-known Ranger with a propensity for getting rid of all the other Rangers and then recruiting new ones at least three to four times every year.

29. San Francisco 49ers (2-6)—Mike Singletary alone makes them a Megazord overall, and the Ultrazord in terms of unintentional comedy potential. In fact, stay tuned later tonight, as we’ll be debuting a new, KSK-esque recurring character to the blog.

30. Kansas City Chiefs (1-6)—The Chiefs look to be on life support at this point, or maybe just dead in the water. This makes them Thuy Trang, the Yellow Ranger. And yes, I’m well aware of how tasteless this one was.

31. Detroit Lions (0-7)—Bulk.

32. Cincinnati Bengals (0-8)—Skull.