Mighty Morphin Power Rankings, Week 8

Let’s delve right in, shall we? And no, I’m not going to put the Patriots at number 1, even though their big win obviously proves that no coach in the league is as fackin’ great as Belichek. You also might wonder why we skipped from Week 6 to Week 8…let’s just go with “your author is an idiot” and leave it at that.

1. Tennessee Titans (6-0)—No truth to the rumor that Chiefs defenders were slipping on the grease that comes from LenDale White’s pores as they were trying to catch him while he lumbered 80 yards for a touchdown. Plenty of truth to the rumor, however, that Jeff Fisher is probably at the head of the line for coach of the year. (Last week, 1)

2. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-1)—Not exactly a scintillating performance in Cincinnati, regardless of what the final score might have been. Mewelde Moore has been a beast filling in for Willie Parker, and he’ll need to continue to be one as the Steelers are now entering the Varsity portion of their schedule. (Last week, 2)

3. New York Giants (5-1)—They managed to get Mike Nolan fired, but they didn’t look particularly terrific against a very bad 49ers team. They’ll need to bring it a hell of a lot harder than that this week against the Steelers, or else they’ll be looking at 5-2. (Last week, 4)

4. Buffalo Bills (5-1)—I’ve been sold on these guys from the outset, and they got a bigtime home win over the Chargers, in spite of a power outage. Lee Evans’ catch in the corner of the end zone should only be described as “silly”. (Last week, 5)

5. Washington Redskins (5-2)—If the Giants were unimpressive, the Redskins were as convincing in victory as Clay Aiken was in heterosexuality. Hence, they drop 2 spots, for a 3 point win over the Browns is like a loss to most other teams. (Last week, 3)

6. Arizona Cardinals (4-2)—Let me state for the record that this is not the sixth-best team in the league. However, if they continue to not lose, I have no choice but to continue to put them this high. I will say, though, that no team in the top 10 has as much potential to get blown out by 30 on any given week as the Cards do. (Last week, 7)

7. Tampa Bay Bucs (5-2)—Another team that, though solid, I just can’t get too excited about. This refrain will be playing all year, even though they’re like the Bills of the NFC, and I’ve already stated my fondness for the Bills. Maybe it’s Jon Gruden. Scratch that, it’s definitely Jon Gruden. (Last week, 8)

8. Carolina Panthers (5-2)—Pounding the Saints the way they did should probably count for more than a whopping 1 spot jump in the rankings, but it’s more the teams behind them in last week’s rankings that warranted an ass-kicking, not the ones in front. Keep winning, fair Panthers, and you’ll get your due. (Last week, 9)

9. Green Bay Packers (4-3)—These guys got a statement win by smoking a Colts team that I could have told you wasn’t quite itself. They look like the class of the NFC North, even if Brett Favre is trying to give away all their dirty secrets like a jilted member of the cheerleading squad. Statement wins are big with me, so the Pack gets a huge jump. (Last week, 19)

10. Atlanta Falcons (4-2)—Time to maybe start giving them their due, methinks, even though they didn’t play last week. Matt Ryan certainly looks like the real deal, and if they can keep winning, a rather improbable wild-card birth could be in the offing. Now all they have to do is get anyone in Atlanta to care. (Last week, 16)

11. Jacksonville Jaguars (3-3)—At this point it becomes a question of who the hell to put here, as most of the middle of the rankings laid a huge egg, and biases aside, I’m absolutely not sold at all on the Patriots. I guess the Jaguars draw the longest straw and take the number 11 spot. Speaking of straws, Matt Jones was suspended for three games today. Can you look at the pun in the last sentence and figure out why? (Last week, 17)

12. Chicago Bears (4-3)—Maybe the biggest surprise of this season so far is that Kyle Orton is keeping the Bears afloat in spite of their defense, and not the other way around. Given Orton’s less than stellar career to this point, and propensity to drink massive quantities of booze, is it fair to call him a “recovering starting quarterback” at this point? I think so. Also, giving up 41 points to the Vikings is like giving up 100 to anyone else. Shame on you, Bears. (Last week, 20)

13. New England Patriots (4-2)—I’m sorry, but I do not see how anyone can get particularly excited about them scoring 41 points on a team with no defense, and managing to shut down an offense that hasn’t really played well since the first few games of the season. I will say, though, that Rodney Harrison’s season and possibly career-ending injury is something that makes me very, very happy. And no, I’m not ashamed to say that. If Mr. Cheap Shot makes it to the Hall of Fame, I’m going to chew shot glasses for breakfast for a week. (Last week, 14)

14. Philadelphia Eagles (3-3)—Got healthy during the bye week, and watched the sinking ship that is the Cowboys lose another game. Things are going pretty well for the Eagles, I’d say. 11-5, which isn’t unfathomable, probably gets them a playoff spot at this rate. However, if they can’t stay healthy, all bets are off, and more than likely placed on other, more stable teams. (Last week, 18)

15. San Diego Chargers (3-4)—They lost to a good team on the road, and it wasn’t necessarily a ridiculous blowout. I’m willing to go on the record as saying that 9-7 will win the AFC West, and that the Chargers will probably be the team posting that record. They need to saddle up and beat on the Saints this week, or I might have to rethink that. (Last week, 12)

16. Indianapolis Colts (3-3)—Atrocious performance in Green Bay. I wish I could put them lower, but we still have to consider the…(Last week, 10)

17. Denver Broncos (4-3)—Even more atrocious than the Colts, and by far the worst team in the league with a winning record. Really quite awful, but not as bad as the…(Last week, 11)

18. New York Jets (3-3)—A team that loses to the Raiders deserves to be down this far, but they don’t deserve to be down as far as a team that loses to the Rams like the…(Last week, 13)

19. Dallas Cowboys (4-3)—Remember what I just said about the Denver Broncos being the worst team with a winning record? Dallas won’t have a winning record much longer. What a fucking trainwreck. Couldn’t happen to, for the most part, a bigger bunch of jackasses. T.O. is proving to be, as usual, their undoing. (Last week, 6)

20. New Orleans Saints (3-4)—Monster underachievers, and I don’t see them getting a win in London either. Reggie Bush being banged up is just another thing to add to the list of woe in N.O. (Last week, 15)

21. Minnesota Vikings (3-4)—Remember when they were a trendy Super Bowl pick? Me neither. This should be a cautionary tale, kids—never trust your team’s future to an unproven quarterback who doesn’t seem to possess the ability to hit the broad side of a barn with any of his passes. (Last week, 21)

22. Baltimore Ravens (3-3)—Stuffed the Wildcat offense in Miami, still aren’t anything better than a middle of the road team. They do have some intrigue about them, though, as it seems like Joe Flacco has the tools to be a legitimate quarterback in this league. (Last week, 24)

23. St. Louis Rams (2-4)—Don’t call me crazy for saying this, but if someone gave me 10-1 odds on them winning the division today, I’d take them. Why not? Playing like a team with a new lease on their football lives right now, which might force me to put a moratorium on my Jim Haslett bashing. (Last week, 30)

24. Houston Texans (2-4)—With the Colts playing the Titans and the Texans getting the Bengals this week, it’s conceivable that the Texans could be one fourth-quarter collapse away from second place in the division all by themselves. (Last week, 25)

25. Cleveland Browns (2-4)—Paging Dr. Quinn, Medicine woman! (Last week, 22)

26. Miami Dolphins (2-4)—I still can’t help but think that this team is one year away from making some pretty serious noise in at least their division. Don’t ask me why, though, because I couldn’t give an answer that had any semblance of rational thought involved. (Last week, 23)

27-28. San Francisco 49ers/Seattle Seahawks (2-5, 1-5)—Playing each other this week, and you know what that means…PILLOW FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!! (This is funnier if you imagine a 13-year old girl with Jonas Brothers posters all over her walls saying it to her friends while they gossip viciously about those that aren’t present.) (Last week, 26, 27)

29. Oakland Raiders (2-4)—I know, I know, they won, they should be higher on this list, they shouldn’t have dropped a spot, whatever. Consider this another portion of my protest against Al Davis. (Last week, 28)

30. Kansas City Chiefs (1-5)—Quite possibly a worse team than either one that will follow it in these rankings—still, they’ve got a win. Larry Johnson, by the way, is a sack of shit and no one should root for him. If he and Rodney Harrison collided on a football field and were motionless, I’d root for heavy traffic for the ambulance to navigate. (Last week, 29)

31. Detroit Lions (0-6)—I don’t know, they’re at least sort of entertaining to watch in defeat. Not very, but sort of. (Last week, 32)

32. Cincinnati Bengals (0-7)—Played the Steelers tough for three quarters. Forgot that football games last 4. (Last week, 31)