Comin' in a mess, going out in style

Back in the summer of 1997, Oasis was the biggest band in the world. They did it. They bloody did it. To quote Noel Gallagher, "The funny thing is, that fucking mouthing off three years ago about how we were gonna be the biggest band in the world, we actually went and done it." And it was time for Oasis to come up big after their canonical (What's the Story) Morning Glory? sold 23 million copies two years earlier.

So Noel and brother Liam pumped up the synths, lyrics and vocals for Be Here Now, which Q Magazine called the most anticipated album of the '90s in the United Kingdom. The first single "D'You Know What I Mean?" was eight minutes of N.W.A. drum loops, Zeppelin riffs and Dylan lyrics about "comin' in a mess, going out in style." It was a song about starting with nothing but then walking the walk, and the video was just as ambitious. Before the song even began, the camera spent 45 seconds panning around a nameless, worn-down industrial plant on a cloudy day, with Liam's Beatles haircut and sunglasses posing up front. He had the look of someone who was now the master of all he surveyed.

Yeah, that one

I'd bet good money that's exactly how I looked before the Browns kicked off this season.

And why not? We had the talent. It was just a matter of managing expectations (oops), staying healthy (double oops), getting consistency from our top players (triple oops), and having a quarterback lead the way (a googolplex oops).

Six weeks later, the bye week couldn't have come at a better time. What a rough start. Being a Browns fan right now must feel like the morning after one of the Gallaghers' hedonistic nights of alcohol, nicotine and cocaine back in the '90s. I mean, woof. It's not enough that the team sucks, either. The media has gone back to treating us like the NFL's illegal immigrants, and guess what? These guaps still have four nationally televised appearances this season, including three on Monday Night Football.

Those primetime games start this Monday as we entertain the defending Super Bowl champion Giants, who have looked unbeatable through four games and mercied our first-teamers in the preseason at Giants Stadium. The entire focus of the game has been on the Giants. During last week's Monday night broadcast, Tirico, Jaws and Kornheiser said two things about us and 10 things about the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

You got it, B.E.

But who can blame them? We haven't given people much to talk about. Hell, I haven't posted about the Browns in two weeks because I haven't been able to find anything new to say about them. We suck, plain and simple. I've tried to explain why through four weeks of the alphabet, but it's the same regurgitated shit over and over again. So where do we go from here?

We go back to "D'You Know What I Mean?"

It's a song about coming in a mess and going out in style. If five Brits without a pot to piss in can do it, so can a team with seven Pro Bowlers and a ton of talent. I'm not worried about feeling any worse than I do right now. I don't think I can. If the Browns continue to play like this the rest of the year, then I'll just revert back to the way I feel most years, and that I can deal with.

On the flip side, we've had a couple weeks to regroup and figure out what the hell is going wrong. Our offensive line is almost back to 100 percent, and it looks like Donte Stallworth is finally going to play, so we can stop trotting out Syndric Steptoe and nullifying one half of the field in the process. Kellen Winslow is listed as doubtful for Monday night with a mysterious illness, but I have a sneaking suspicion he'll play. And the defense, which has quietly earned a top-10 ranking in the league, will have to look the part against Sheli, Plexiglass and company.

That's right, Shaun

Whether or not we manage to turn the season around, people will probably look at us 10 years down the road the same way people look at Be Here Now these days: not bad, but disappointing given the expectations. In any case, we haven't been on Monday Night Football since 2003, and haven't won on Monday Night Football since 1993, so I'm going to embrace our turn in the spotlight as long as it lasts.

It worked for Oasis, and hey, they're still breathing.