A Note To The Big Ten

Pictured above are two people that accurately represent the average Big 10 fans. By the looks of them, I'd say Iowa or Wisconsin fans. Certainly not debonair Northwestern fans, or fans with an infuriating sense of entitlement and self-satisfaction, like Penn State fans. Yes, they must be Iowa or Wisconsin fans. What do Iowa and Wisconsin fans have in common? They're both happy today, as their teams pulled off bowl victories against ranked teams from supposed "power conferences." Except, they both beat ACC teams, and this isn't basketball we're talking about (but we'll get to that soon enough).

You might have heard your favorite talking head blabbering on and on about how the Big Ten really made a statement in this bowl season. Iowa won the Orange Bowl. Ohio State won the Rose Bowl, Penn State won the Capital One Bowl. Wisconsin won the Champs Sports Bowl, which probably changed its name again in the time since I wrote that part of this sentence. Northwestern barely lost to Auburn, a team that plies its trade in gasp! the SEC.

"The Big Ten is back," they say. "All hail the Big Ten," the pundits laud.

Please. Give me a fucking break. One bowl season does not a reputation make. The Big Ten has taken flack for about the past decade for choking on a fat dong during bowl season, and just because they managed to turn around and give a little back for once shouldn't be a reason for everyone to toot their collective horns about a bunch of land grant schools that play boring, pointless possession football. The Big Ten still sucks, but this year's crop of bowl teams was lucky enough to face teams more fatally flawed than them, and more importantly, more fatally flawed than usual. Speed still kills in college football, and just because it didn't win out this once doesn't mean it won't next year. And don't forget, Minnesota and Michigan State both lost their bowl games, so it's not like the Big Ten was a whole crew of world beaters. They just happened to squeak by in the bigger games.

And as for basketball, any fan that wants to proclaim the Big Ten the best league in the country this year can just eat my shit and leave right now. I don't care that Purdue beat West Virginia, or that the Big Ten finally won the Big Ten/ACC Challenge. If ESPN makes a slate of inter-conference games into a made-for-TV event, they probably expect one of the conferences to show up more than once a decade. Get fucked, Big Ten defenders, your conference still blows in every sense of the word.

Sincerely,

Francois Leroux Speedskater

Doug the D-Bag presents: Boise Hate

'Sup jocksniffers? That's right. I said "sup." Of course I said sup. It's more d-baggy.

For those of you who don't know, I'm Doug Gottlieb, the only accurate analyst on ESPN. You may recognize me from College Basketball Live, when I disagree with everyone else just because they're on the same set as me. Or you may recognize me from my radio show, where I mention my wife every five minutes because she's the only chick hot enough and smart enough for a guy like me. Or you may recognize me from college basketball broadcasts, when I deliberately say dickish things and exude a dickish attitude as the color guy, messing up the nice dynamic the hack play-by-play guy is trying to establish.

Turns out I'm friends with DJMJ, co-blogger here on Creative Differences. He's really pissed about Boise State winning another Fiesta Bowl. But if he said what he really wanted to say about it, every race/religion/political affiliation/sexual preference would storm his apartment with pitchforks and pathos. So he passed it off to me, Doug the D-Bag.

Hey, Boise State, who the fuck do you think you are? That guy on Fox tonight said that you "solidified your status as a college football power." The only status you solidified is that of the erect schlort of every woefully ill-equipped male Boise State fan. You know, the same guys who taunted LeGarrette Blount from the stands and then hid behind each other faster than Byron Hout fell to the ground. Why the hell do you go to school in Idaho? Didn't we sell Idaho to Canada 20 years ago? Is that what you are now? Is that why your nerf turf at Bronco Stadium is Labatt Blue? Go slam a few more bottles and try to score with the butt-ugly band chicks who represent the hottest co-eds on BSU's campus. As for your football team, give me a fucking break. So you've won two BCS games against teams whose body language was silly putty. Okahoma and TCU clearly didn't give a shit about the game because they were playing you and not, I don't know, a program that doesn't treat chicken-shit trickery like it's fucking fundamental. The second-place team in your conference lost to Notre Dame 35-0. But hey, keep trumpeting the W(h)ac(k). Keep telling us you're getting tested week in and week out. Tested for STDs after sleeping with subpar competition, maybe. But not tested by real teams. And don't even try to throw that Oregon win at me. That Oregon team looks as much like the eventual Pac-10 champion as Rupaul looks like Zoe Saldana. Who's your most famous alumnus, Boise State? Kimo Von Oelhoffen? Ryan Clady? How's Diggity Dan Hawkins doing now that he's coaching a decent program in a BCS conference? Sucking shit? No, I don't think you should worry about him. I'm sure Colorado loves losing two out of every three games it plays. You'd be lucky to do that if you moved into a BCS conference. Until then, keep sweeping through the local Pop Warner league and neighing about how you deserve a shot at the national championship. Have fun watching Alabama and Texas like the rest of us, dickwads.

New Year, New You, I Still Hate The Big 10

So we haven't posted in awhile here at CD.

(Checks last post date. Sees it's over three months ago. Cares little.)

Sue us.

In the spirit of New Year's resolutions, we're going to start posting again. Or at least, I am, and we'll see if DJMJ gets back on the horse as well. Maybe we'll even try to get people to read it too, or not. Either way, the same idiotic humor, stereotyping and general lunacy you've come to expect will dominate the screen. So buckle up, strap in, take a cleansing dump and enjoy, Creative Differences is back and worse than ever.

Oh, and a hearty FUCK YOU to the Big 10. Thanks and have a great day.

The LOLBrownz are LOLBack

Because there's no other way to write about this heinous perversion of professional football.

Unreal

If you root for a good NFL team, I humbly request that you always keep in mind one thing:

You are really, really, really, really lucky.

That's it.

CD blogger teaches James Walker a lesson

So I got a little hammered Wednesday night and woke up still hammered the next morning, which is why I penned a little paragraph and sent it to ESPN.com AFC North blogger James Walker. Normally I'm not the type of person to write bitchy little e-mails or complain to my senator or shit like that, but it was the alcohol talking.

Anyway, Walker actually led off a post with my diatribe, which concerned the tissue-paper toughness of Steelers fans detailed here. He could have led off with any of the hundreds of messages he gets each day, but it took a well-penned paragraph with truth and justice as its foundation to bat leadoff in this Friday post.

Perhaps we're finally on our way to exposing Steelers fans as cold-blooded pussies! No longer will they be ranked as the best fans in the NFL by sports media outlets!

We can only hope!

Serena and Roger Go To Starbucks

Serena Williams: Boy Roger, it sure was a good idea you had to meet up and talk shop at Starbucks. We're both at the top of our games, and we have lots of good tennis still ahead of us. I think picking each other's brains and talking about the hardships of staying on top is really going to help both of us out.

Roger Federer: Absolutely, I think this is going to be great for both of us. And plus, who doesn't like a cup of overpriced swill?

SW: I know! I can taste my caramel macchiato and we haven't even walked in the door!

Cashier: Welcome to Starbucks, what can I get for you?

SW: I'll just have a grande caramel macchiato, please.

Cashier: Oh, I'm so sorry, we're out of caramel, and I was told by the manager not to offer them without caramel.

SW: You're not serious.

Cashier: I am. There's nothing I can do. It's not my fault.

SW: Fault? Did you say FAULT? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WATCHING BITCH? DID YOU SEE MY FOOT GO OVER THE LINE? NO! MY FOOT WAS BEHIND THE LINE!

Cashier: I'm sorry miss, but I don't have the slightest idea what you're talking about.

SW: I WILL FUCKING SHOW YOU THE MEANING OF PAIN! I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL TAKE THIS ESPRESSO MACHINE AND JAM IT UP YOUR ASS UNTIL YOU'RE THROWING UP EXCREMENT! I WILL SCRAPE OFF THE INSIDES OF YOUR INTESTINES WITH THE LOOSE STRINGS FROM THE TENNIS RACKET I'M ABOUT TO BREAK ON YOUR MISERABLE FACE!

Cashier: (Stares vacantly)

RF: Serena, Serena, calm down. It's not that big of a deal, there's plenty of other good stuff on the menu. Just get something else besides your usual. Branch out a little.

SW: You're right Roger, you're right. I'll have a grande iced latte.

Cashier: And for you, sir?

RF: I'll have the pumpkin latte with a shot of espresso.

Cashier: (Pauses 10 seconds) Oh sir, I don't mean to steer you away from your choice, but our lead barista said that that combination doesn't taste very well. In fact, it's made several people sick.

RF: I DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT HE SAID.

Cashier: (Shrugs)

RF: DON'T SHOW YOUR HANDS TO ME. I WILL TALK WHEN I WANT TO, AND I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT HE SAID! DON'T YOU PEOPLE HAVE RULES IN HERE? WHY DID YOU WAIT SO FUCKING LONG TO TELL ME? ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS CHALLENGE MY CHOICE OF CAFFEINATED BEVERAGE QUICKLY AND DECISIVELY! DON'T WAIT TEN SECONDS. THIS IS BULLSHIT!

Cashier: (Shits pants, runs away)

RF: I'll have a tall regular coffee, black.

Barista: Y-y-yes sir.

RF: So, about tennis--that Rafael Nadal is super lame, don't you think?

SW: Oh, absolutely. Say, off-topic for a minute...(Dons suit and tie) have you found God, Roger? I mean, really found him, because if not, I'd like to chat with you about the Jehovah's Witnesses and our mission for a few minutes.

RF: Shit.