Wednesday, September 9, 2009


Think about all the different Web sites on the Internet. Think about all the different pages each site has. Now think about the history of the Internet.

In all likelihood, there have been more than one duodecillion (that's 39 zeroes, kids!) pages created in the history of the Internet. And I have singled out the greatest page of them all.

I dare not even quote any of it. Where would I begin? There's too much to quote. It's all well-written, it's all funny, and most importantly, it's all true.

The tough reputation of Steelers fans is the biggest crock of shit in sports. You give Browns fans a team that wins 10 games a year and consistently challenges for a division crown and always plays hard and has more Super Bowls than anyone else, and yeah, we'll pack your fucking stadium.

Steelers fans shouldn't be ashamed to root for that kind of team. They should be ashamed of being douchebags, because by and large, that's what they are. Towel-waving, mouth-breathing, dimwitted douchebags. And don't pretend you know what suffering is like because of the Pirates. So your baseball team sucks shit. Bet it feels good to have the Steelers to look forward to every fall, and the Penguins on a fairly regular basis over the past couple decades.

Try rolling out of bed without a championship in your lifetime. Try getting excited about a football team that has two winning records and zero playoff wins in the last 10 years. Try supporting a baseball team that keeps inventing new ways to choke in the playoffs. Try cheering for a basketball team that's finally gotten a transcendent superstar, only to be bombarded with talk of how he'll never win in that city and he's leaving next year because of it.

It gets old. Real old. And there are plenty of other fan bases with their own shit to work through.

Meanwhile, you're whimpering about the Pirates, who in all reality you stopped supporting well before they hit the first five years of their 17-year streak. You've been well below the National League average for home attendance in 15 of those years. That's pathetic.

Is that what you'll do when the Steelers start to suck? Turn tail and stop supporting immediately? Only now are you starting to see the Indians' attendance figures come down (and we're still above the league average). Only now are you starting to see the Browns games struggle to sell out. Sure, there are bandwagoners following LeBron James, and that's because he finally gave the city a legitimate reason to give a shit about the NBA.

Fuck your team. Fuck your city. Most of all, fuck you, Steelers fans. You don't deserve your football team.

Let that serve as a welcome to the 2009 season.


1 comment:

Francois Leroux Speedskater said...

While you're busy hating on the Steelers, you can chew on this little tidbit from the estimable Mr. Magary's column on the Browns:

5. Readers dislike this team more than any other. Since we started this preview series, I've gotten more emails about why Cleveland sucks more than any other franchise

And lest you think I'm making it up...just looky here:

So, uh, yeah, the populace at large hates your favorite team. Suck it.