Gus Johnson goes to the dentist

Sports journalism is a deteriorating medium. People who don't deserve jobs are getting hired, informal nonsense like Twitter is considered a legitimate source, and even the slightest events are stories amid 24/7 coverage. But there is beacon of light, a transcendent announcer with the power to turn the simplest chores into white-knuckle excitement. His name is Gus Johnson...



GUS: Honey, I'm heading off to the dentist for my tooth cleaning! I don't know if I'll be back by five but I'M GONNA TRY MY BEST!

WIFE: All right, sweetheart.

Gus drives over to the dentist's.

DENTIST: Well, Gus, good to see you again.

GUS: Good to see you too, Doc!

DENTIST: Ready to get started?

GUS: YES SIRRRR!

DENTIST: Go ahead and lie down in that chair.

Gus lies down.

DENTIST: First, we'll clean out your mouth. Here's a cup of water. Swish that around in your mouth a bit and then spit it out into the sink by the chair.

GUS: DOWN IT GOES! THIS WATER IS EXCELLENT!

DENTIST: All right, now I'm going to give you a local anesthetic.

GUS: THEY LOCALIZED ANESTHESIA? IMPOSSIBLE!

DENTIST: It's just to numb you so you don't feel any pain. You'll still be awake during the cleaning.

GUS: No need, Doc! I watched Allan Houston's runner to knock out the Heat before I came here! I CAN'T FEEL A THING!

DENTIST: Well, if you say so.

GUS: I gotta ask, Doc, WHICH TOOTH IS THE DIRTIEST? IS IT MY LATERAL INCISOR? TELL ME IT'S MY LATERAL INCISOR!

DENTIST: Uh, several of them could use a good cleaning. That's why you're here.

GUS: UNBELIEVABLE!

DENTIST: OK, just tilt your head back for me.

GUS: RISE AND FIRE, DOC!

DENTIST: Oh, looks like you've got some tartar buildup just under your gumline.

GUS: TARTAR STRIKES AGAIN! INCONCEIVABLE!

DENTIST: Let me just remove that for you. There we go.

GUS: DOCTOR YOU DEFINE CLUTCH!

DENTIST: Thank you.

GUS: Make sure you SPIFF UP MY MOLARS!

DENTIST: Your molars are fine. I'm almost finished. There.

GUS: How much is this appointment gonna cost me!

DENTIST: Check with my receptionist Linda up front, but it's usually around $135.

GUS: ONE-HUNDRED AND THIRTY-FIVE DOLLARS? UNFATHOMABLE!

DENTIST: It's not a cheap procedure, but it is worthwhile.

GUS: I'm not mad, Doc! I'm STUPEFIED BY OUR SKYROCKETING HEALTH CARE COSTS!

DENTIST: Yeah, it's pinching everybody right now. Anyway, have a good day and I'll see you again soon.

Gus walks out to the front desk.

GUS: MY APPOINTMENT IS ALL OVER!

LINDA: Why are you yelling?

GUS: Because I was a little nervous coming in! TREPIDATION! APPREHENSION! CONSTERNATION!

LINDA: Your bill is $134.67.

GUS: THAT'S THIRTY-THREE CENTS CHEAPER THAN WHAT DOC TOLD ME! DO YOU TAKE VISA?

LINDA: We sure do.

GUS: INCREDIBLE! IT TRULY IS EVERYWHERE I WANT TO BE!

LINDA: Thank you, Mr. Johnson. Here's your receipt. Have a nice day.

GUS: I SURE WILL!

Join us next time for more excitement with Gus Johnson.

I hate you, Chris Berman

Happy first day of the NFL season, folks! It's 8:30ish out on the West coast but I'm still up to watch the first bit of NFL coverage on ESPN. Oh, hey! It's Chris Berman! That reminds me!

I HATE YOU, CHRIS BERMAN. You're a fucking bigot, and there's no way around it. Your head is so far up the NFL's ass you're probably licking Roger Goodell's shit residue as we speak. When players fight in the NFL, you just brush it off and say it's a physical game. When players fight in hockey and baseball, they're just governing themselves. But when NBA players fight, they're gangbanging thugs who don't deserve our respect or attention. You're a piece of fucking work Berman, you know that? Everything about the NFL is awesome to you. Everyone in the NFL is awesome to you. Wake up asshole! Michael Vick went to jail for two years and aided in the murder of hundreds of dogs. Pacman Jones is a deplorable piece of shit who lives at strip clubs and treats the people around him like garbage. Chris Henry has been arrested more times than O.J. Simpson. Travis Henry has fathered so many children he might be your dad. FOOTBALL PLAYERS ARE JUST AS FLAWED AS OTHER ATHLETES. But it's OK because you have a million catch phrases that stupid people enjoy! And you give nicknames to players! And you've been with ESPN for all 30 years of its existence! Free pass! NOT FROM ME, JACKASS. YOU ARE THE FOREMOST PROPAGATOR OF THE NFL'S HEGEMONIC BULLSHIT. I HOPE I NEVER FEEL ABOUT ANYTHING THE WAY YOU FEEL ABOUT THE NFL, BECAUSE THAT WOULD MEAN I'M A NARROW-MINDED RACIST FUCKWAD WHO'LL PROBABLY DIE IN FIVE YEARS BECAUSE I WEIGH MORE THAN ANDRE SMITH. If I want to watch an amorphous blob pontificating about pro football, I'll wait for Peter King on NBC, thank you very much. I hate you, Chris Berman. Go fuck yourself with Tank Johnson's handgun.

EPIC STEELERS HATE

Think about all the different Web sites on the Internet. Think about all the different pages each site has. Now think about the history of the Internet.

In all likelihood, there have been more than one duodecillion (that's 39 zeroes, kids!) pages created in the history of the Internet. And I have singled out the greatest page of them all.

http://deadspin.com/5354828/why-your-team-sucks-pittsburgh-steelers

I dare not even quote any of it. Where would I begin? There's too much to quote. It's all well-written, it's all funny, and most importantly, it's all true.

The tough reputation of Steelers fans is the biggest crock of shit in sports. You give Browns fans a team that wins 10 games a year and consistently challenges for a division crown and always plays hard and has more Super Bowls than anyone else, and yeah, we'll pack your fucking stadium.

Steelers fans shouldn't be ashamed to root for that kind of team. They should be ashamed of being douchebags, because by and large, that's what they are. Towel-waving, mouth-breathing, dimwitted douchebags. And don't pretend you know what suffering is like because of the Pirates. So your baseball team sucks shit. Bet it feels good to have the Steelers to look forward to every fall, and the Penguins on a fairly regular basis over the past couple decades.

Try rolling out of bed without a championship in your lifetime. Try getting excited about a football team that has two winning records and zero playoff wins in the last 10 years. Try supporting a baseball team that keeps inventing new ways to choke in the playoffs. Try cheering for a basketball team that's finally gotten a transcendent superstar, only to be bombarded with talk of how he'll never win in that city and he's leaving next year because of it.

It gets old. Real old. And there are plenty of other fan bases with their own shit to work through.

Meanwhile, you're whimpering about the Pirates, who in all reality you stopped supporting well before they hit the first five years of their 17-year streak. You've been well below the National League average for home attendance in 15 of those years. That's pathetic.

Is that what you'll do when the Steelers start to suck? Turn tail and stop supporting immediately? Only now are you starting to see the Indians' attendance figures come down (and we're still above the league average). Only now are you starting to see the Browns games struggle to sell out. Sure, there are bandwagoners following LeBron James, and that's because he finally gave the city a legitimate reason to give a shit about the NBA.

Fuck your team. Fuck your city. Most of all, fuck you, Steelers fans. You don't deserve your football team.

Let that serve as a welcome to the 2009 season.

GO TITANS

Stroke of Genius: ESPN Hires Bruschi

ESPN's NFL coverage just got a whole lot more versatile, scrappier and whiter, as former New England Patriot Tedy Bruschi was picked up to join the already insufferable ESPN NFL crew.

Bruschi will no doubt offer a hard-nosed, cheater's perspective, and will more than likely be the most annoying member of the team within two weeks.

But There Was ONE SECOND LEFT

Miami 38, FSU 34.

K, that's good and all.

Why the fuck didn't the 'Noles challenge rather vociferously the ruling that time had expired after the third down incompletion when there was quite clearly one second left? The answer, of course, is that Bobby Bowden was too busy medicating his...

Oh Hey, We're Back

Why not boot this rust bucket back up in honor of the start of college football season. Let's do it the lazy, bullet-style way.

--BYU 14, Fuck you Stoops 13. BYU was on a mission tonight.

--The Papa John's commercial with Papa John and the Girl Scouts/Catholic School girls? And him delivering pizza out of a late model muscle car? What, was the windowless van unavailable?

--Iowa has to block two field goals to hold on against 1-AA Northern Iowa, Ohio State barely beats Navy, and Minnesota almost loses to a team with Greg Paulus at QB. Clearly, the Big Ten is the football conference most deserving of its own TV network.

--Pitt beats Youngstown State 38-3 and the fans boo lame-duck QB Bill Stull after his first incompletion. That's appalling behavior. At this point in his career, they should be throwing trash.

--Florida beats Charleston Southern like 800 to 3, but c'mon, Charleston Southern is the real winner here. They got to touch Tim Tebow in his house of worship. The fact that most of the touching was limited to futile swipes with fingertips is irrelevant.

--Penn State smashed Akron 31-7, but anyone that's seen a Penn State early season cupcake game could have told you the script before the game happened. Big first half, second half that cures insomnia.

--USC played San Jose St. and though it took them awhile, the Trojans caught fire and won in big. See what I did there? Fire? Because they play in L.A.? Yeah? Yeah? No? Okay.

--Brent Musberger appeared on TV in a racing helmet, and as one of my friends said, "Looked like one of the Nazis after they opened the Ark in Raiders of the Lost Ark."

--Big Ten Network receiver Kenny Jackson is my new favorite person on TV, even though he's too awkward to watch. While trying to interview Joe Paterno today, he basically screamed shit at Paterno and it barely made sense. This wouldn't be noteworthy save for the fact that he played for Paterno and was still that awkward. And his pregame report from the sideline, well, let's just never speak of it again.

Nothing important happened today

Yep, just another day in Cleveland sports. You know, a crappy team defeated the crappier Tribe. Fans are still talking about the recent Browns minicamp. Same old, same old.

But I'll probably have more about Wednesday's events later. Call it a hunch.