70-54. 20 and 17 for DeJuan the Destroyer.
It's North Carolina. One step down is Pitt. Then it's everyone else, several paces behind.
Believe it.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Statement.
70-54. 20 and 17 for DeJuan the Destroyer.
It's North Carolina. One step down is Pitt. Then it's everyone else, several paces behind.
Believe it.
And LT's 2009 Pusstastic Playoff Injury Is....
"...a detached tendon that connects one of his adductor (groin) muscles to his pubic bone, according to team sources."
Excuse me.......................WHAT?
You know, LT, while you continue to play a giant game of head-pubic-knees-and-toes once the playoffs roll around, some people would kill to be in the playoffs period. MURDER to be in the playoffs. COMMIT RELIGIOUS AND CULTURAL GENOCIDE TO BE IN THE PLAYOFFS. Someone who may even write for this blog. But I'm not gonna tell you who. That would ruin the surprise!
First a toe, then a knee, now it's your loins that will "allow" you to either perform at 50 percent or go camping in your team coat on the sidelines. Between a Rose Bowl obliteration at the hands of USC and a month-long injury to Big Z, the new year has already served me a big helping of "fuck you." The last thing I need is to watch you wuss away in another postseason when I WOULD WATCH THE BROWNS PLAY A PLAYOFF GAME EVEN IF MY EYES WERE BLEEDING SHIT!!!!
Oops, I ruined the surprise.
Excuse me.......................WHAT?
You know, LT, while you continue to play a giant game of head-pubic-knees-and-toes once the playoffs roll around, some people would kill to be in the playoffs period. MURDER to be in the playoffs. COMMIT RELIGIOUS AND CULTURAL GENOCIDE TO BE IN THE PLAYOFFS. Someone who may even write for this blog. But I'm not gonna tell you who. That would ruin the surprise!
First a toe, then a knee, now it's your loins that will "allow" you to either perform at 50 percent or go camping in your team coat on the sidelines. Between a Rose Bowl obliteration at the hands of USC and a month-long injury to Big Z, the new year has already served me a big helping of "fuck you." The last thing I need is to watch you wuss away in another postseason when I WOULD WATCH THE BROWNS PLAY A PLAYOFF GAME EVEN IF MY EYES WERE BLEEDING SHIT!!!!
Oops, I ruined the surprise.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Playoff Time--Rank 'Em
DJMJ has the next few posts off, as they deal with professional playoff football, and we don’t want him talking about something he isn’t familiar with.
The playoffs are a mere day away, and to the surprise of a few, there are four home underdogs--three if you don’t include San Diego hosting Indy, which my newspaper lists as a pick ‘em game. Honestly though, you’re going to pick Philip Rivers over Peyton Manning? Doubtful. Let’s go right ahead and rank all the remaining teams to definitively determine this year’s Super Bowl champion, because power rankings are never, ever wrong. As always, these rankings will make an effort to utilize as little football analysis as possible.
As a bonus, I’ll pick all the matchups at the end of these rankings, because god knows, you need more non-analysis from a guy that posts once a week on a blog. Grab that phone book and find your bookie!
12. Arizona Cardinals: I actually don’t want to put them this low, because I like a few of the players on their team. However, I can’t really get behind a God-fearing man as a team leader. This is silly, I know, because Kurt Warner has already won a Super Bowl and is a pretty damn good player, and because Matt Leinart has shown all the aptitude of a retarded chimp during his stints under center. Still, I have a hard time buying them winning against the Falcons when most of the fans will be Cowboys fans that got bored and wanted to see more football. Oh, and the allegations dogging Larry Legend don’t help either. Sorry boys, you’re in the basement.
11. Minnesota Vikings: Want poor clock management? A coach that looks like a NAMBLA officer? Indefensibly horrible quarterback play? The Vikings are the team for you, good friend. The only reason they might get out of the Metrodome with a win this weekend is because they’re playing the only team around that might have worse coaching, worse play-calling, and a stronger tendency to be maddeningly inconsistent on a regular basis. My game plan for the Vikes? 60 carries for Purple Jesus. There’s no other way.
10. Philadelphia Eagles: Barely got the nod above the Vikings for the coveted tenth spot. Rare is the team that can really dominate the Steelers early in the season, tie the Bengals later, and only make the playoffs because of the Oakland Raiders. Yes, it helped that the Eagles torched the Cowboys in what was a nearly orgasmic afternoon of schadenfreude for yours truly, but they still needed way too much outside help to get into the playoffs. That’s a bad sign for me. On the bright side, they’ve got Brian Westbrook going for them, which is nice.
9. Miami Dolphins: Hard team to figure out, really, which is why they could be in the 12 position on this list on a bad day, or the 5 spot on a good day. I probably put them a bit too low, but these rankings do reflect how long I expect each team’s post-season to last. If the Dolphins were getting either of the other teams in the AFC Wild Card games, I’d really like their chances. However, they’re playing the Ravens, the one team that matches up just dandy with them. Sorry Dolphins, ain’t happening. 1-15 to 11-5 is pretty damn nice though.
8. Atlanta Falcons: I would love them if 1. The Giants weren’t a cold-weather team and 2. The Panthers didn’t look like world-beaters right now. They could easily blow past the Cardinals and look like a house on fire, only to get smacked by either of the top 2 seeds in the next round. Plus, I don’t care how good he is, Matt Ryan is still a rookie and I suspect will play like one against one of the two big hitters in the NFC. Still, the Falcons are going to be really, REALLY good in another year or two. Like, Super Bowl good. You can thank me for that betting advice later.
7. San Diego Chargers: They’re a real sexy pick right now, and for at least the first round, I think the sexy pickers could be correct. They’re matchup hell for the Colts, they’ve got offensive firepower, and they’re not remotely intimidated by Pey-Pey. However, they do have Laserface Rivers, and Ouchie wouchie Tomlinson, both of whom are capable of forgetting to show up for a big game. Therefore, I can’t really put them above the Colts.
6. Indianapolis Colts: Just saw that Peyton won the MVP. Horse shit. That’s all I’ll say. I put them ahead of the Chargers, but they’re probably going to lose to them. Fuckers.
5. Baltimore Ravens: With a rookie QB they shouldn’t be anywhere near this high, but then again, they have about the most frightening defense this side of the Pittsburgh Steelers. I think Matt Ryan is a better quarterback than Joe Flacco, but I also think Flacco has a much better team around him, a team good enough to beat up the Dolphins and the Titans. By the way, I think this is what is going to happen.
4. Pittsburgh Steelers: If they’d beaten the Titans and done so in even remotely convincing fashion, they’d be the odds-on favorite in both leagues. As is, they got smoked, Big Pussy Ben got hurt again, and now they’re going to have to lean even more heavily on their defense. I STILL see them getting to at least the AFC Title game. It’s not even homerism, it’s just a weird vibe about these guys.
3. Carolina Panthers: The only team I don’t want to see my Stillers have to play. If you can somehow slow down their rush and force Jake Delhomme to throw to beat you, you have a chance. Not a great chance, but a chance. I can’t see anyone in the NFC beating them, but I won’t put them at number one, primarily because they just lost to the Giants (granted it was on the road and in OT, but a loss is a loss), and also because they aren’t the reigning Super Bowl champs.
2. Tennessee Titans: They scared the crap out of me until they started stomping on the Terrible Towel. It sounds stupid, I know, but hearing Keith Bulluck backtrack makes me think he realized belatedly how dumb of a move it was. The last thing you want to do as a Titans player is give the Steelers bulletin board material. Bulluck has been seen on camera going after Cortland Finnegan for his taunting penalties during games, and he should have done the same to LenDale White, the fat cow. Tennessee/Pittsburgh for the AFC Title would be delicious, but I doubt it happens.
1. New York Giants: With or without Plax, they’re still the reigning champs until someone knocks them off, which should happen in the NFC Title Game, when their lack of offensive explosiveness gets exploited by the quick-strike, big-play Panthers. But hey, at least I ranked them number 1!
This weekend’s games:
San Diego 31 Indy 20—Hearing Philip Rivers talk trash will be slightly less annoying than hearing announcers and media members fellate Peyton Manning like he’s the new Brett Favre. I realize I've flip-flopped on this game at least twice since the beginning of this post. Does that put me on track to be a national columnist, or do I have to work on being more haughty and condescending? Chargers win.
Baltimore 23 Miami 7—Just an awful matchup for the Dolphins. Worse yet, if my suspicions come true, we’ll get to enjoy the Ravens and their mouths for at least another two weeks after this game.
Atlanta 45 Arizona 42—Most entertaining playoff game in years.
Philly 13 Minnesota 6—Yin to Atl/AZ’s yang.
Enjoy the games.
The playoffs are a mere day away, and to the surprise of a few, there are four home underdogs--three if you don’t include San Diego hosting Indy, which my newspaper lists as a pick ‘em game. Honestly though, you’re going to pick Philip Rivers over Peyton Manning? Doubtful. Let’s go right ahead and rank all the remaining teams to definitively determine this year’s Super Bowl champion, because power rankings are never, ever wrong. As always, these rankings will make an effort to utilize as little football analysis as possible.
As a bonus, I’ll pick all the matchups at the end of these rankings, because god knows, you need more non-analysis from a guy that posts once a week on a blog. Grab that phone book and find your bookie!
12. Arizona Cardinals: I actually don’t want to put them this low, because I like a few of the players on their team. However, I can’t really get behind a God-fearing man as a team leader. This is silly, I know, because Kurt Warner has already won a Super Bowl and is a pretty damn good player, and because Matt Leinart has shown all the aptitude of a retarded chimp during his stints under center. Still, I have a hard time buying them winning against the Falcons when most of the fans will be Cowboys fans that got bored and wanted to see more football. Oh, and the allegations dogging Larry Legend don’t help either. Sorry boys, you’re in the basement.
11. Minnesota Vikings: Want poor clock management? A coach that looks like a NAMBLA officer? Indefensibly horrible quarterback play? The Vikings are the team for you, good friend. The only reason they might get out of the Metrodome with a win this weekend is because they’re playing the only team around that might have worse coaching, worse play-calling, and a stronger tendency to be maddeningly inconsistent on a regular basis. My game plan for the Vikes? 60 carries for Purple Jesus. There’s no other way.
10. Philadelphia Eagles: Barely got the nod above the Vikings for the coveted tenth spot. Rare is the team that can really dominate the Steelers early in the season, tie the Bengals later, and only make the playoffs because of the Oakland Raiders. Yes, it helped that the Eagles torched the Cowboys in what was a nearly orgasmic afternoon of schadenfreude for yours truly, but they still needed way too much outside help to get into the playoffs. That’s a bad sign for me. On the bright side, they’ve got Brian Westbrook going for them, which is nice.
9. Miami Dolphins: Hard team to figure out, really, which is why they could be in the 12 position on this list on a bad day, or the 5 spot on a good day. I probably put them a bit too low, but these rankings do reflect how long I expect each team’s post-season to last. If the Dolphins were getting either of the other teams in the AFC Wild Card games, I’d really like their chances. However, they’re playing the Ravens, the one team that matches up just dandy with them. Sorry Dolphins, ain’t happening. 1-15 to 11-5 is pretty damn nice though.
8. Atlanta Falcons: I would love them if 1. The Giants weren’t a cold-weather team and 2. The Panthers didn’t look like world-beaters right now. They could easily blow past the Cardinals and look like a house on fire, only to get smacked by either of the top 2 seeds in the next round. Plus, I don’t care how good he is, Matt Ryan is still a rookie and I suspect will play like one against one of the two big hitters in the NFC. Still, the Falcons are going to be really, REALLY good in another year or two. Like, Super Bowl good. You can thank me for that betting advice later.
7. San Diego Chargers: They’re a real sexy pick right now, and for at least the first round, I think the sexy pickers could be correct. They’re matchup hell for the Colts, they’ve got offensive firepower, and they’re not remotely intimidated by Pey-Pey. However, they do have Laserface Rivers, and Ouchie wouchie Tomlinson, both of whom are capable of forgetting to show up for a big game. Therefore, I can’t really put them above the Colts.
6. Indianapolis Colts: Just saw that Peyton won the MVP. Horse shit. That’s all I’ll say. I put them ahead of the Chargers, but they’re probably going to lose to them. Fuckers.
5. Baltimore Ravens: With a rookie QB they shouldn’t be anywhere near this high, but then again, they have about the most frightening defense this side of the Pittsburgh Steelers. I think Matt Ryan is a better quarterback than Joe Flacco, but I also think Flacco has a much better team around him, a team good enough to beat up the Dolphins and the Titans. By the way, I think this is what is going to happen.
4. Pittsburgh Steelers: If they’d beaten the Titans and done so in even remotely convincing fashion, they’d be the odds-on favorite in both leagues. As is, they got smoked, Big Pussy Ben got hurt again, and now they’re going to have to lean even more heavily on their defense. I STILL see them getting to at least the AFC Title game. It’s not even homerism, it’s just a weird vibe about these guys.
3. Carolina Panthers: The only team I don’t want to see my Stillers have to play. If you can somehow slow down their rush and force Jake Delhomme to throw to beat you, you have a chance. Not a great chance, but a chance. I can’t see anyone in the NFC beating them, but I won’t put them at number one, primarily because they just lost to the Giants (granted it was on the road and in OT, but a loss is a loss), and also because they aren’t the reigning Super Bowl champs.
2. Tennessee Titans: They scared the crap out of me until they started stomping on the Terrible Towel. It sounds stupid, I know, but hearing Keith Bulluck backtrack makes me think he realized belatedly how dumb of a move it was. The last thing you want to do as a Titans player is give the Steelers bulletin board material. Bulluck has been seen on camera going after Cortland Finnegan for his taunting penalties during games, and he should have done the same to LenDale White, the fat cow. Tennessee/Pittsburgh for the AFC Title would be delicious, but I doubt it happens.
1. New York Giants: With or without Plax, they’re still the reigning champs until someone knocks them off, which should happen in the NFC Title Game, when their lack of offensive explosiveness gets exploited by the quick-strike, big-play Panthers. But hey, at least I ranked them number 1!
This weekend’s games:
San Diego 31 Indy 20—Hearing Philip Rivers talk trash will be slightly less annoying than hearing announcers and media members fellate Peyton Manning like he’s the new Brett Favre. I realize I've flip-flopped on this game at least twice since the beginning of this post. Does that put me on track to be a national columnist, or do I have to work on being more haughty and condescending? Chargers win.
Baltimore 23 Miami 7—Just an awful matchup for the Dolphins. Worse yet, if my suspicions come true, we’ll get to enjoy the Ravens and their mouths for at least another two weeks after this game.
Atlanta 45 Arizona 42—Most entertaining playoff game in years.
Philly 13 Minnesota 6—Yin to Atl/AZ’s yang.
Enjoy the games.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Happy Birthday, Bron
Today, December 30, 2008, LeBron Raymone James turns 24 years old. It's also a Thanksgiving of sorts. Thank you, LeBron, for giving me and millions of other Cleveland fans a reason to go easy on the trigger of the shotgun stuffed in our mouths. Seemingly every year, the Browns redefine "debacle" and the Indians sordidly underachieve. But it's all good, because in the back of my mind, I know you'll be there to rape the virgin and poison the virtuous on our behalf. Some truly fine Cavs teams didn't win a title because of a dynamite talent who wore No. 23. Well, now there's a different No. 23 in the NBA, and hopefully you'll keep great teams and great players from winning titles just like the other one did. Yeah, today is also some golfer's birthday, but he plays for himself. You, LeBron, play for Cleveland, and that makes you my sunshine, my wonderwall, my Marshall Applewhite. You are my Liam, my Lennon, my own personal Jesus Christ. You are my brother, my captain, my king.
I love you.
Have a great one.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Oh Peyton, Sweet Sweet Peyton
I loathe Peter King and all he stands for. Sometimes, when I think about my distaste for him, I start to feel a little bad. I figure, “Man, this guy probably isn’t so bad, he’s a father, with children and a wife, and he’s got a lot of people that love his writing. I’m sure he gets plenty of nice letters every week and tries to cater to the masses that fidget until his Monday Morning Quarterback column goes up on SI.com. Maybe I shouldn’t hate him.”
Then I read a steaming pile of shit like this week’s edition.
You can go to Kissing Suzy Kolber and read the esteemed Big Daddy Drew’s authoritative piece-by-piece takedown of it (after you’ve read every fucking word of this post, you lazy Ritalin-addled punk), but I feel that not even that literary beating adequately attacks King.
If you’re Peter King, you’ve got almost unlimited access to players, and yet you abuse it and use it to favor your favorites. I’m looking, in no particular order, at Brett Favre, Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Bill Belichek, Tony Dungy, Tedy Bruschi, and basically anyone else King thinks he can use to spin a fucking horrid anecdote with a predictably sappy, preachy ending. Guess what Peter, just because Peyton Manning had a knee surgery and it was pretty difficult doesn’t make it a super special story worth sharing. Wow, we’ve never heard that Manning had to get lots of fluid drained and that he’s worked really hard to get back to form. Personally, I just assumed that he snapped his fingers, filmed a few Mastercard commercials to build up his strength, and poof, back to normal. Next time, use your “inside access” to tell us something useful.
King also used the Manning story to essentially make excuses for Manning’s early-season performance, which was less than spectacular, and to strengthen his ridiculous argument that Manning should be the MVP because he led the Colts to 9 straight wins against horse shit competition. If you were wondering, that horse shit competition included the Texans, Browns, Bengals, Lions and Jaguars, not to mention the playoff-bound, but 8-8, Whale’s Vagina Chargers. I’m not here to make an argument about the MVP, but Peyton Manning definitely shouldn’t win it. (Try Matt Ryan or James Harrison.)
PK also used his column to stroke Brett Favre’s
What troubles me most about this mocha-flavored windbag is the fact that he uses his column to blatantly pimp his personal favorite players, even if they suck. He was friends with the father of the Patriots’ Matthew Slater, so when Slater muffed a kickoff against the Steelers and looked like a real horse’s ass, King spared him a tongue-lashing because of nothing more than a meaningless, non-issue friendship that should have had no relevance whatsoever to his column.
I could go into more detail about his non-football thoughts, coffee nerdness and constant traffic-related bitching, but the thought of having to re-read some of those thoughts makes me want to gag. Great Peter, traffic angers you, you like coffee, and you occasionally pay a shred of attention to other sports, which clearly makes you think that you’re perfectly qualified to offer hard-hitting analysis on those sports. Stick with what you barely know, asswipe, and attempt to write about football.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Bye bye Savage, touchdoooooooown...no one
It's official. Hours after losing to Shittsburgh AGAIN, the Browns fired general manager Phil Savage.
Not entirely unexpected, and not entirely unwarranted. Savage began his career as an intern with the Browns in 1991, and during his time as a top scout for Buttlimore, he helped draft Ray Lewis, Ed Reed, Terrell Suggs, Adalius Thomas, Jamal Lewis, Chris McAlister, Peter Boulware, and Jonathan Ogden. His draft haul in Cleveland has been, shall we say, less sexy.
Still, the talent pool on our roster has improved by leaps and bounds under Savage's watch, but he overpaid some free agents and had several very public slip-ups. He was also inextricably tied to Romeo Crennel, whose fate will likely be decided within 24 hours.
There are names flying around for both the GM position and head coaching job, so Randy Lerner has his work cut out for him. Here are some quick-hit grades on the 10 biggest candidates:
Bill Cowher
Former Pittsburgh Steelers head coach; current CBS analyst
Viability: C
The most popular name on several teams' lists, I'd rather not see him get the head coaching job. His coaching career began in Cleveland, and his run in the asshole of Pennsylvania is impressive, but he won't have great coordinators this time, and he'll want to be the general manager, too. Besides, he says he doesn't have any interest. You know what? Neither do I.
Scott Pioli
Vice President of Personnel, New England Patriots
Viability: B+
He didn't want the Browns' general manager position in 2005, and it's unlikely he'll want it much more now. Pioli is a frontrunner who'll want to take over a franchise with a sturdy foundation of recent success, not an NFL quagmire like Cleveland. That said, Pioli is the strongest available front office figure with football's model organization. If we somehow land him, we might become a model organization as well.
Josh McDaniels
New England Patriots offensive coordinator
Viability: A-
Amid this whole sordid debacle, the Browns have two things going for them: the northeast Ohio locale and ties to Bill Belichick. McDaniels fits both bills. This student of Belichick is a graduate of Canton McKinley High School and John Carroll University. He's only 32, but he's one of the hottest coaching candidates in the league, and unlike the others, he'd actually embrace the challenge of fixing the Browns. He did a great job with Matt Cassel this season. I salivate over what he could do with Brady Quinn.
Mike Holmgren
Former Green Bay Packers and Seattle Seahawks head coach
Viability: B-
He's already rescued one history-rich franchise from the doldrums. In order to do it in Cleveland, he might want the additional general manager tag like he had in Seattle, which is something we're all afraid to give anyone. Holmgren has brought a winning culture wherever he's gone, and he could return to football in the future. I'm just not sure his heart's in it right now.
Kirk Ferentz
Iowa Hawkeyes head coach
Viability: F
NO NO NO NO NO. His name is only in the conversation because he served as the offensive line coach for the Browns/Gayvens from 1993-1998. There's no tangible evidence he could succeed as an NFL head coach, and his stock has gone way down thanks to Iowa's tailspin the past few years. Besides, he signed a contract in 2004 to stay at Iowa through 2012, and he denied interest in the Steelers' job two years ago, which is (vomits all over keyboard) a much better job than the Browns right now.
Rex Ryan
Baltimore Ravens defensive coordinator
Viability: C+
Ryan has been fairly quiet on the possibility of coaching in Cleveland. He may not want the job, although given John Harbaugh's hiring last January, he won't get the Ravens job anytime soon, either. But he's authoritative, and he has a great mind for defense. Take it from a Browns fan, we need someone to fix that side of the ball first and foremost.
Jim Schwartz
Tennessee Titans defensive coordinator
Viability: B+
Remember how I said that Bill Belichick's time in Cleveland is an advantage? Here's another name from that tree. Schwartz got his start doing statistical analysis for Belichick's Browns regime, and he's carried his cost-effective brand of defense to Tennessee. He interviewed for three head coaching jobs last offseason, and he's considered one of the top coaches-in-waiting. Anyone who can hammer the Steelers like he did last week has my vote.
Brian Billick
Former Baltimore Ravens head coach
Viability: D
Sure, he's got a strong voice and a Super Bowl ring, but his last few years with the Ratbirds are less than encouraging. He spurned the expansion Browns in 1999 for our aborted fetus in Baltimore. He wants to get back into coaching, but I don't really want him, and the general consensus is he doesn't want the Browns, either.
Bill Parcells
Executive Vice President of Football Operations, Miami Dolphins
Viability: B
I left out Tuna's coaching stints in New York, New England and Dallas because if we end up hiring him, it'll most likely be as general manager. He has an unmatched track record of turning franchises around, and the Browns sure could use an ass-kick in the other direction. Parcells is the biggest wild card of the bunch because his availability hinges on Wayne Huizenga's sale of the Dolphins, for which Parcells has an out clause in his contract. Stay tuned.
Marty Schottenheimer
Former Cleveland Browns, Kansas City Chiefs, Washington Redskins and San Diego Chargers head coach
Viability: A-
Publicly, Marty says he has no interest in coaching the Browns again. Privately, nobody's buying it. And I mean nobody. The right price will almost certainly lure Schottenheimer back to Cleveland, and given his age (65) and success in San Diego, he hasn't lost a step. Sure, bringing back our only consistent winner since Blanton Collier would be a PR move to end all PR moves, and his playoff degenerations into Marty-ball are one of the NFL's most head-scratching happenstances. But I'll come clean: I will sell my football soul for this move if it legitimizes the Browns again.
As I finish up this post, I'm watching commercials for the Super Bowl on NBC, and it seems so far away I almost want to cry.
You've got a successful football team in England, Mr. Lerner. Let's fix your American football team right now.
Not entirely unexpected, and not entirely unwarranted. Savage began his career as an intern with the Browns in 1991, and during his time as a top scout for Buttlimore, he helped draft Ray Lewis, Ed Reed, Terrell Suggs, Adalius Thomas, Jamal Lewis, Chris McAlister, Peter Boulware, and Jonathan Ogden. His draft haul in Cleveland has been, shall we say, less sexy.
Still, the talent pool on our roster has improved by leaps and bounds under Savage's watch, but he overpaid some free agents and had several very public slip-ups. He was also inextricably tied to Romeo Crennel, whose fate will likely be decided within 24 hours.
There are names flying around for both the GM position and head coaching job, so Randy Lerner has his work cut out for him. Here are some quick-hit grades on the 10 biggest candidates:
Bill Cowher
Former Pittsburgh Steelers head coach; current CBS analyst
Viability: C
The most popular name on several teams' lists, I'd rather not see him get the head coaching job. His coaching career began in Cleveland, and his run in the asshole of Pennsylvania is impressive, but he won't have great coordinators this time, and he'll want to be the general manager, too. Besides, he says he doesn't have any interest. You know what? Neither do I.
Scott Pioli
Vice President of Personnel, New England Patriots
Viability: B+
He didn't want the Browns' general manager position in 2005, and it's unlikely he'll want it much more now. Pioli is a frontrunner who'll want to take over a franchise with a sturdy foundation of recent success, not an NFL quagmire like Cleveland. That said, Pioli is the strongest available front office figure with football's model organization. If we somehow land him, we might become a model organization as well.
Josh McDaniels
New England Patriots offensive coordinator
Viability: A-
Amid this whole sordid debacle, the Browns have two things going for them: the northeast Ohio locale and ties to Bill Belichick. McDaniels fits both bills. This student of Belichick is a graduate of Canton McKinley High School and John Carroll University. He's only 32, but he's one of the hottest coaching candidates in the league, and unlike the others, he'd actually embrace the challenge of fixing the Browns. He did a great job with Matt Cassel this season. I salivate over what he could do with Brady Quinn.
Mike Holmgren
Former Green Bay Packers and Seattle Seahawks head coach
Viability: B-
He's already rescued one history-rich franchise from the doldrums. In order to do it in Cleveland, he might want the additional general manager tag like he had in Seattle, which is something we're all afraid to give anyone. Holmgren has brought a winning culture wherever he's gone, and he could return to football in the future. I'm just not sure his heart's in it right now.
Kirk Ferentz
Iowa Hawkeyes head coach
Viability: F
NO NO NO NO NO. His name is only in the conversation because he served as the offensive line coach for the Browns/Gayvens from 1993-1998. There's no tangible evidence he could succeed as an NFL head coach, and his stock has gone way down thanks to Iowa's tailspin the past few years. Besides, he signed a contract in 2004 to stay at Iowa through 2012, and he denied interest in the Steelers' job two years ago, which is (vomits all over keyboard) a much better job than the Browns right now.
Rex Ryan
Baltimore Ravens defensive coordinator
Viability: C+
Ryan has been fairly quiet on the possibility of coaching in Cleveland. He may not want the job, although given John Harbaugh's hiring last January, he won't get the Ravens job anytime soon, either. But he's authoritative, and he has a great mind for defense. Take it from a Browns fan, we need someone to fix that side of the ball first and foremost.
Jim Schwartz
Tennessee Titans defensive coordinator
Viability: B+
Remember how I said that Bill Belichick's time in Cleveland is an advantage? Here's another name from that tree. Schwartz got his start doing statistical analysis for Belichick's Browns regime, and he's carried his cost-effective brand of defense to Tennessee. He interviewed for three head coaching jobs last offseason, and he's considered one of the top coaches-in-waiting. Anyone who can hammer the Steelers like he did last week has my vote.
Brian Billick
Former Baltimore Ravens head coach
Viability: D
Sure, he's got a strong voice and a Super Bowl ring, but his last few years with the Ratbirds are less than encouraging. He spurned the expansion Browns in 1999 for our aborted fetus in Baltimore. He wants to get back into coaching, but I don't really want him, and the general consensus is he doesn't want the Browns, either.
Bill Parcells
Executive Vice President of Football Operations, Miami Dolphins
Viability: B
I left out Tuna's coaching stints in New York, New England and Dallas because if we end up hiring him, it'll most likely be as general manager. He has an unmatched track record of turning franchises around, and the Browns sure could use an ass-kick in the other direction. Parcells is the biggest wild card of the bunch because his availability hinges on Wayne Huizenga's sale of the Dolphins, for which Parcells has an out clause in his contract. Stay tuned.
Marty Schottenheimer
Former Cleveland Browns, Kansas City Chiefs, Washington Redskins and San Diego Chargers head coach
Viability: A-
Publicly, Marty says he has no interest in coaching the Browns again. Privately, nobody's buying it. And I mean nobody. The right price will almost certainly lure Schottenheimer back to Cleveland, and given his age (65) and success in San Diego, he hasn't lost a step. Sure, bringing back our only consistent winner since Blanton Collier would be a PR move to end all PR moves, and his playoff degenerations into Marty-ball are one of the NFL's most head-scratching happenstances. But I'll come clean: I will sell my football soul for this move if it legitimizes the Browns again.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
As I finish up this post, I'm watching commercials for the Super Bowl on NBC, and it seems so far away I almost want to cry.
You've got a successful football team in England, Mr. Lerner. Let's fix your American football team right now.
Look like they made it
Forget Cleveland's futility for a second.
Five years ago, the Detroit Tigers had a brush with grimmortality but won their last game to avoid tying the Major League record for most losses in a season.
One of my buddies from college, a native of Detroit, was very upset by the Tigers deciding to give a shit and avoid the stigma of 120 losses. He felt that if you're going to suck that bad, why not go for it all?
Well, cheer up, man! The Lions HAVE DONE IT FOR YOU!!!!!
YOU DID IT DETROIT!! WELCOME TO SUCKTOWN!!!!
Five years ago, the Detroit Tigers had a brush with grimmortality but won their last game to avoid tying the Major League record for most losses in a season.
One of my buddies from college, a native of Detroit, was very upset by the Tigers deciding to give a shit and avoid the stigma of 120 losses. He felt that if you're going to suck that bad, why not go for it all?
Well, cheer up, man! The Lions HAVE DONE IT FOR YOU!!!!!
YOU DID IT DETROIT!! WELCOME TO SUCKTOWN!!!!
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