Screw you guys, we're going to the playoffs

Hey you guys! Look what I have! A 2008-09 division championship!

Say, where's your 2008-09 division championship, Boston?


Ooooh, you don't have one yet? That's too bad.

And where's your 2008-09 division championship, Orlando?


Ooooh, you don't have one either? That sucks!

And where's your division championship, Detroit?


Oooh, you can't have one this year, can you? Hahahahaha!

And where's your division championship, Lakers?


Oh, you already have one. And you beat us twice.

Well screw you guys, we're going to the playoffs!

I look down and whisper...no

One of the most interesting elements of the graphic novel "Watchmen" is Dr. Manhattan's comprehension of the universe. A nuclear accident has redefined the parameters of his vision, how he sees time as a mostly unalterable spacial dimension, how his scientific knowledge now fuels his disinterest in mankind. Whereas human beings are confined by their relativity, he's able to experience the universe as it is. Imagine the Earth's entire population situated on a cliff in the Rocky Mountains, and then imagine Dr. Manhattan standing a couple miles away, able to see the whole range.

As both a hardcore fan of the graphic novel and a proponent of comic book movies, I feel very similar to Dr. Manhattan when discussing Zack Snyder's film version of "Watchmen." All my friends have talked about how cool it looks, and how it's going to be a more intellectual comic book movie, and how it's going to work on film in its own way. After seeing it in Burbank in glorious IMAX, I can't do anything more than shake my head.

So before I start my rant, I apologize. I'm sorry you aren't smart enough to see the totality of this film adaptation like I do. I'm equally sorry that I can't just chill the fuck out and enjoy the movie like you did. I truly am.

With that in mind, I'll begin at the end.

The truth is that most of the movie is incredibly faithful to the graphic novel, from the dialogue to the details of each shot. But the changes made to the ending tear down the fundamental nature of Ozymandias' plan. (By the way, if you want to avoid spoilers about both the book and the movie, you should get lost pronto. And if you haven't read the book or seen the movie, you won't have any clue what I'm talking about.)

While Ozymandias didn't necessarily embrace the Keene Act (the legislation that outlawed costumed heroes), he did embrace the opportunity it gave him to become a hero of a different sort. As a man who started out with nothing, Adrian Veidt trained his mind and body to become a remarkable human being. The mask and costume only helped him be louder about it. After the Keene Act, he became the ultimate philanthropist, helping people through the same honest, hard-working means that built his global company. There wasn't much bitterness in his crusade, except bitterness toward mankind's inevitably savage nature.

Well, the way the movie pins his plot to destroy several major cities on Dr. Manhattan seems fairly bitter to me. Shifting the blame -- along with some hostile words for Dan Dreiberg, aka Nite Owl II -- cuts the legs out from under the plan. In the novel, Veidt teleports a giant squid-like creature to New York City that explodes upon arrival, killing more than three million people. The Americans and Soviets are both tricked into thinking that aliens have attacked Earth, and they suspend their hostilities in order to work together to combat the new threat. The whole scenario is somewhat ridiculous, yes, but as Veidt notes, Hitler proved that people will believe a lie if it's big enough.

In the book, Veidt is a man who reveres ancient cultures and their leaders and believes he can transplant their ideology into conflicts of the atomic age. In the film, he's a ferocious dickhole whose far more dictatorial than benevolent. He seems less like the bravura and arrogantly altruistic figure created by Alan Moore and more like the spiteful Richard Nixon who's stayed in power for his own benefit.

As part of his reworked ending, Snyder also chooses to cut the brief exchange between Dr. Manhattan and Ozymandias, which contains Dr. Manhattan's immortal final line: "Nothing ends, Adrian. Nothing ever ends." It's one of the cruxes of the novel delivered in understated fashion. It's also the kind of subtler storytelling that Snyder apparently doesn't believe in.

The movie is loud, perversely violent and more than happy to wallow in its own excrement. Because the central plot is crammed into 163 minutes, there's no space for the fictional literature that follows each chapter and provides necessary depth to the characters and world of "Watchmen." There's no way to duplicate the 30-some pages of symmetrical panels in the chapter "Fearful Symmetry." There's no room to intersperse the irony of the "Black Freighter" comic. There's no time to ponder Dr. Manhattan's intriguing suppositions about time and space, or any of the characters' opposing viewpoints for that matter. There's no time to spend with the citizens of New York at the newstand, and that may be the worst omission of all. Their interactions in the novel remind us that humanity isn't entirely dishonest or irresponsible. Since the movie focuses solely on costumed adventurers in a fucked-up world, it feels like the people they're trying to save deserve to die, anyway.

All that can be summed up in one sentence: The storytelling of "Watchmen" doesn't translate to the screen. It's that simple. It's what Moore's been saying for two decades. It's what people who don't understand storytelling can't comprehend. Snyder was as faithful to the graphic novel as one could hope, and that's a big reason why the movie doesn't work.

That said, the movie isn't totally without merit. The title sequence is excellent, with Bob Dylan's "The Times They Are A-Changin'" playing as the events of the alternate timeline are detailed. Juxtaposing Billy Crudup's soft voice with Dr. Manhattan's towering figure is the only time the movie approaches the irony of the book. Jackie Earle Haley absolutely steals the show as Rorschach, who's probably one of the five greatest characters in comic book history. Haley is unrecognizable with his mask on, and somehow even less recognizable with his mask off. He fully inhabits the role and seems to channel a frequency separate from the proceedings. His performance isn't much different than the one that just landed Heath Ledger an Oscar.

But those are really the only things the movie carves out for itself. Of course these are great characters. Of course the dialogue is pulp-tastic. Of course the story is brilliant and relevant. It was written that way 20 years ago.

And please, don't be an idiot who claims I'd feel differently if I hadn't read the book. The film's ad campaigns have labeled Snyder as a "visionary" director, and the movie looks good. But it's also way too crowded and incoherent (I can't imagine how people who haven't read the book actually keep up with everything). The pacing is terrible, the atmosphere is one-note and some of the performances are incredibly amateurish (Malin Akerman, I'm talking to you). These are fundamental flaws that would be noticeable without ever reading a word of Moore's work.

These flaws exist because you can't film "Watchmen." Too bad Snyder didn't have the vision to see that.

I'd Say They've Made Their Case

Uh, yeah, regardless of what happens tonight in the UNC/Duke game, Pitt had better be the number one team in the land and the number one overall seed in the NCAA Tournament. I'm not sure what else they have to prove, at least in terms of the regular season.

That said, I'd like to see them play UConn two more times, and maybe have another bout with Louisville.

Awesome.

Mike Adams back for more fail

Looks like Cleveland has re-signed safety Mike Adams, seen here taking an interception away from another Brown and here trying to tackle Marion Barber with his pointer finger.

This gives us some clues about Eric Mangini's strategy in the secondary: be out of position, give 30-yard cushions in coverage, tackle like a pussy and be more afraid to go over the middle than the receiver. Wonderful.

In other news that's less likely to make me commit seppuku (don't look it up unless you're over 18)...


Cavs. Celtics. Live from Boston. 8 p.m. ET tonight.

Here's a handy little article from Chris Mannix over at Sports Illustrated that sizes up tonight's game and discusses why it's so important. My favorite quote:

"...the Cavs have been the stronger road team in the clubs' recent meetings. As one Celtics insider put it, 'When Cleveland plays in Boston, we win. When Boston plays in Cleveland, they win big.'"

Couldn't have said it better myself. We're a lot closer to winning in Boston than Boston is to winning at the Q.

Tell you what? Let's win tonight so it won't matter.

LET'S GO CAVS

Tell him somethin' Jooooe

After completing his buyout with the Thunder and clearing waivers, Joe Smith is a Cavalier again. His re-addition basically means Danny Ferry traded Damon Jones for Mo Williams last summer. *Cough cough GM of the Year cough cough*

A lot of Cleveland blogs are applauding the move but still being cautiously optimistic. Fuck that.

Five reasons Boston should be pissing its pants:

1. Smith brings defense, rebounding, shooting and leadership to our frontcourt

2. The addition helps fill the hole left by Ben Wallace's injury

3. Now we can legitimately go 12 deep

4. He's a veteran who's hungry for a ring (like P.J. Brown last summer)

5. Joe Smith > Mikki Moore


Five reasons the Lakers should be pissing their pants:

1. Joe Smith won't forget to box out Lamar Odom

2. We now have five frontcourt regulars who are 6-foot-9 or taller

3. Smith gives us two bigs with 20-foot range

4. We're as deep as the Lakers without everybody healthy

5. The way the rest of the schedule sets up, L.A. will likely start in Cleveland if the two teams reach the Finals


Five reasons Orlando should be pissing its pants:

1. We've added another big man while the Magic continue to play only one

2. Six extra fouls to use on Dwight Howard

3. Smith has veteran savvy the Magic can barely match with their whole roster

4. He's another spot-up guy to respond to Orlando's inevitable stretches of hot shooting

5. Despite Wallace's injury, we won't fall back toward the Magic in the standings


Five reasons the Clippers should be pissing their pants:

1. You're the Clippers

2. You're the Clippers

3. You're the Clippers

4. You're the Clippers

5. You're the Clippers

Pittsburgh Pie-Rats Position Preview: First Base

The first of many exercises in self-flagellation, this is your look at the first basemen that will attempt to lead the Pittsburgh Pirates to the promised land that is 81-81. Like virtually every other position on the Pirates, first base is woefully manned. In theory, the Bucs have a competent starter in Adam LaRoche, but then again, in theory I'm a prestigious venture capitalist with a fleet of gold-plated Lamborghinis and a gaggle of specially bred Chinese fighting geese.

Typical

The Pirates don't really have anyone behind LaRoche. This actually isn't a huge problem from June 1 onward, as LaRoche straps on his spandex tights and mask that grant him powers of competency. April and May are a different story. You look at LaRoche’s stats overall and you see a guy hitting around .270 or .275, giving you about 22-25 homers, and knocking in 80-90 runs. You’d look at that and think, “Oh, this guy’s not so bad, he’s a decent first baseman.”

Wrong.

In April and May I’d rather have AIDS playing first base than Adam LaRoche. He hits in the low .100s with pretty much no power during these months. What’s worse, he usually doesn’t even make contact, and if he manages to not strike out, he rolls over a grounder to first base. The coaches say it’s all mental, and that they expect him to break through in the early season sooner or later. I say, “BULLSHIT.” Adam LaRoche is a major-league baseball player, and even resembles one for four months of the year, so I’m going to go ahead and remove “mental hurdles” as a possible cause of him being worse than a blind four-year-old for the other two months.

See me bitching like I just did? That’s the Pirates first base situation. What does it say about them that they don’t even have another player worth mentioning at this position?

Sigh.

Put out an APB for the No. 1 overall seed

There's still a quarter of the season left to play, but things are starting to look very good in Cavs land. Consider:

a. We just finished 3-1 on our toughest roadie of the year, and we had no business doing so (more on that in a second)

b. After playing four of our next six on the road, we finish the season with 12 of 17 games at home, where we're 26-1 this year

c. We've overtaken Boston by a full game for the Eastern Conference's best record, with a showdown in Beantown on Friday

d. There's no word on when Kevin Garnett will return for the Cs

e. While the Lakers still own the best overall record by a half-game, their ridiculously home-heavy first half is starting to give way to the weary, travel-laden second half

f. Numerous league sources say that Joe Smith will sign with us after his Thunder buyout clears on Wednesday, filling a huge need up front

All good harbingers for the Cavs. Now back to that roadie.

After getting dismantled in Houston last Thursday, we caught the Spurs without Tim Duncan and Manu Ginobili in San Antonio on Friday. That's not a game we should lose, and we didn't. No surprise there.

Rather, the surprise came the last two nights, when we won at Atlanta and at Miami. The first time we visited each venue this season, we lost both games. We crumbled in the fourth quarter in Atlanta, and the New Year and LeBron's birthday caused us to play sluggish in Miami.

Fast forward to this weekend. We rallied from five points down with less than two minutes left to finish off the Hawks, and then LeBron and Mo Williams outperformed the Heat by themselves down the stretch on Monday, despite the fact that the Cavs didn't arrive in Miami until 7 a.m. due to plane issues and spent the entire day sleeping.

That's two wins in two nights against the two teams currently on pace to battle in the East's 4/5 matchup. No crumbling on the road this time. No excuses about circumstances surrounding the game this time.

No reason to let the No. 1 overall seed go to anybody else, either.