Stabbing westward

Creative Differences and Lucasfilm Ltd. present...

A DJMomJeans production...

KNIFE NIGHT 2008

So I was talking with my bro from Philly today, and we were both watching the French Open semi between maddening early bloomer Jelena Jankovic and deliciously cute assassin Ana Ivanovic. I looked away for a few seconds, and he told me the cameras spotted Monica Seles in the crowd. Just to show you how completely warped and tasteless this blog is, what you are reading now is exactly where my mind went after he mentioned that.

See, I thought about Seles, and instead of remembering all the great matches she played and the tournaments she won, I remembered when that crazy dude raced out of the stands and stabbed her in Hamburg 15 years ago.

But WHERE does that stabbing RANK in the PANTHEON of SPORTS-RELATED STABBINGS?!?!

To answer that cutting question, I’ve compiled a tournament championship, forever to be known as

KNIFE NIGHT 2008

The Early-to-Mid ‘90s Bracket

Monica Seles vs. O.J. Simpson

Seles was the victim. Juice was the victimizer (allegedly).

Hers happened in Germany. His happened in Los Angeles.

Hers interrupted the match. His interrupted the 1994 NBA Finals.

Weapon used against Seles: 5-inch serrated steak knife. Weapon used by Juice (allegedly): unknown.

Motivation against Seles: jealousy. Motivation for Juice (allegedly): jealousy.

The intrigue quotient is on Juice’s side, but Seles is a warrior, and she actually recovered from the wound and the trauma to play on tour again just two years later. If some lunatic from Canada had stabbed Juice during a game…well, that lunatic probably would have met the same fate as Ron and Nicole. (Allegedly).

WINNER: Monica Seles

The Post-2006 Bracket

Mitch Cozad vs. Rafer Alston

Let’s see…a football player is upset over no playing time, goes berserk and stabs the starter in the leg.

Quarterback? No. Running back? Nope. Receiver? Nah. Defensive player? Doubt it. Someone who actually contributes? Barely.

The Mitch Cozad story would have been a lot sexier if (a) he wasn’t a punter, and (b) it wasn’t at Northern Colorado. That said, Cozad advances to the finals, because hearing about Rafer Alston keep his street rep at a Manhattan club is like listening to Will Smith rap albums.

WINNER (term used loosely): Mitch Cozad

The Finals

Monica Seles vs. Mitch Cozad

It ain’t exactly Lakers-Celtics, but then again, this isn't basketball.

Seles is a fighter, Cozad is a douchebag. Seles needed to be stabbed to lose the top spot, Cozad needed to stab to get the top spot (at Northern Colorado). Seles took it out on her opponents, Cozad’s taking it up the ass from inmates.

But above all, Seles inspired this post. Cozad inspires vasectomies.

WINNER and CHAMPION: Monica Seles

Just like the French Open ... Sharapova will never win this one